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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

He wants an abortion

103 replies

Delta8319 · 29/12/2019 22:46

I found out I am 6 weeks pregnant.... very unexpected...

I have been with my partner 10 years and he's always made it clear he didn't want more kids (has a child to a previous relationship)

However I came off my pill and was honest and told him...

Low and behold.. after 14 months I'm pregnant! I'm
So confused... I don't know what to do.... my husband is 100% clear he does not want this pregnancy to continue... I'm uncertain and emotional. I'm so scared this will be my one and only chance and if I don't do this now then in later life it will come back to haunt me with huge regret...

Advise please...... do I terminate and continue with my life or do I choose to continue and ultimately end up doing this alone..... 😔

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 30/12/2019 09:43

The answer, based on your title alone, is 'men cannot have abortions'.

Your post doesn't change that.

If you want the / a baby, you will always resent him if you don't have one. This will get worse with age and will destroy your marriage. Probably by the time that process is concluded, you will be too old to have a baby.

Theoretically you could get out immediately, find someone else and conceieve. Or use a donor. But if you would contemplate the latter, why not keep this pregnancy and risk the marriage?

Medicaltextbook · 30/12/2019 09:47

Definitely your choice. Do you want to be a (likely single) parent to a baby, toddler, primary age child and teenager? Only you know the answer to at least the first, a baby.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 30/12/2019 09:49

He can have as many abortions as he wants.

What do you want? You are the one that gets to choose this.

Lalla525 · 30/12/2019 09:49

Interesting that the OP seems to have vanished. I honestly think he is an idiot (in so far as he failed to look after his own desires of having no more children) but the OP is far from being the victim here. Again, unless there was a medical reason to stop the pill and she/him/both were using a different form of contraception, she is jointly responsible of this situation by stopping the pill. No confusion to be had here. She knew what she was doing, she got her baby, now the only question is whether he will- maybe in time - decide to accept the baby. No guarantee here, but at 36 the OP should have known better.

CherryPavlova · 30/12/2019 09:51

Too late now but should contraceptive choices and responsibilities be shared rather than his alone? You came off the pill, assumedly to get pregnant, if possible but hadn’t had a proper adult conversation about it - or had and didn’t like the answer he gave.
You are the pregnant one so it has to be your choice but I think you need a proper and honest conversation before it’s too late and he’s left.

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 09:51

I don't get it, were you having unprotected sex after you came off the pill? Or using another method? I know neither is 100% but wondering how on earth he could possibly be even a tiny but surprised if you were having unprotected sex with no contraception at all.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/12/2019 09:52

And yes, it is possible to have this baby as a single mother, then find another partner later. Maybe in time to have a baby, maybe not but you'll have your child.

Lorddenning1 · 30/12/2019 09:54

I don't understand why you would come off the pill, you say it was a last try to have a baby, but did u not have a conversation with him about wanting a baby and coming off the pill before hand?

MumofTinies · 30/12/2019 09:57

That was bad behaviour to come off the pill when he’d expressly told you he didn’t want more kids

By all means keep the baby, it’s your body after all but you tricked him.

God the misogyny is strong on this thread. OP took hormonal contraception for nearly a decade to prevent pregnancy. She's given her body a break from it and told him, it was then his turn to take some responsibility, either by correctly using condoms or getting a vesectomy.

OP if you don't want an abortion, please don't get one

lottiegarbanzo · 30/12/2019 10:02

Yes, 14 months is hardly a one night stand. Why he didn't have a vasectomy is impossible to understand.

One could surmise that either he is actually happy to have another baby, or is content to 'give you what you want' while bitching about it and using it as a stick to beat you with / means to control you.

Lalla525 · 30/12/2019 10:09

Don't think is about misogyny here. Re-read the OP.

Claims pregnancy unexpected when they were using no contraception (????)

He used no contraception and was 100% clear he did not want children (????)

Claims to be confused when he was very clear he did not want children and the unprotected sex led to a pregnancy (????)

Unless they are 15yo (the OP confirmed she is over double that age) there is no way the above makes sense for two sensible adults. He is stupid/naive/an idiot/whatever. She is playing victim while she is not. "It's her uterus" is a very true statement now she is pregnant. However, she has 50% of responsibility of not sticking to the marriage agreement (not by coming off the pill, but by not arranging a different form of contraception, whether for her or for him). The agreement was clear there. She decided to stop. She informed him. He (no idea why) was ok with it. She decided to try her luck in conceiving. They did. He does not want the baby, she does. No victims here and no misogyny here.

GoldfishRampage · 30/12/2019 10:20

I don't think the OP 'tricked' her husband but she did purposefully get pregnant with someone who expressly said he didn't want anymore children.

She says she is scared, emotional and uncertain and yet she chose to get pregnant by someone who didn't want kids.
Yes He is an idiot but I think the OP has to accept that she is in the position she is in because of her own choices.

Women that do this are not thinking of what is best for their future child. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent but to purposefully chose someone to be the father of your child who has repeatedly said they don't want kids is really unfair to the child.

Both parties in this have put their own needs before that of any child.

oobieloo · 30/12/2019 10:39

Have the baby and be prepared that he will turn his back on both of you.
Just because he has kids already doesn't mean he won't shun this one child (I've seen it enough times).
He had sex with you knowingly and shouldn't be shocked. He should have taken responsibility for his own birth control.

Don't worry about him though, worry about yourself and your child. You sound like you want this baby and nobody can stop you going through with the pregnancy. Nobody can force you to have an abortion. Just be aware that with or without him you can do this

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 30/12/2019 10:54

In your shoes op i would continue with the pregnancy, but plan to go at being a single parent. At 36 you are towards the end of your natural fertility.

I am and with his responce, he has 100% control over his own fertility, he chose to ignore it.

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 11:31

I’m considering patenting a device whereby men can manage their own contraception. Some sort of sheath for the penis would probably work well.

New and exciting advances for men in pursuit of managing their own reproductive health.

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 30/12/2019 11:33

I don't think the OP 'tricked' her husband but she did purposefully get pregnant with someone who expressly said he didn't want anymore children.

This is true but where is the partners responsibility in all this? If you know your partner isnt taking contraceptives, and you don’t want a baby, the partner then has a choice to make.

It sounds like the OPs intentions were clear -there is a reason she came off contraception and started having unprotected sex. She wanted a baby.

And most people over 15 know that you run a chance of pregnancy, so the partner made a choice too.

Amichelle84 · 30/12/2019 11:44

If you want the baby I would say keep it. Having an abortion isnt something you should do lightly, I had one when I was very young and it still haunts me and that's knowing it was the right thing to do. You both knew the risks of coming off the pill. Men come and go and you will likely end up resenting him if you feel pressured in to it.

bettybattenburg · 30/12/2019 11:53

It's not his choice, it's yours.

JustASmallTownCurl · 30/12/2019 11:57

I found out I am 6 weeks pregnant... very unexpected

And

I came off my pill and was honest and told him...

How on earth was it very unexpected then?

You knew he didn't want a child with you.

You came off the pill regardless.

If he knew this and still didn't want a child then he absolutely should have used another form of contraception, obviously.

But that doesnt change the fact you've known all along he didn't want a child with you.

But you've still tried to and succeeded in getting pregnant with his child.

So it really can't be a surprise that he isn't supportive of the pregnancy.

Lalla525 · 30/12/2019 11:58

This is true but where is the partners responsibility in all this?

It's in the poster's third sentence, which reads

Yes He is an idiot but I think the OP (original post/poster) has to accept that she is in the position she is in because of her own choices

It really does not sit well with me when responsibility is not equally shared (usually trying to over-protecting the woman from blame). And this includes accepting the OP has 50% responsibility of the situation she is in, and 100% responsibility of marrying somebody not aligned with her family desires.

SuperMeerkat · 30/12/2019 12:15

Fine, i’ll take back the part about being tricked. However, the OP HAD been told that her DH didn’t want a baby so it was wrong to come off the pill. I won’t take that part back. The DH should probably have had the snip though, wrong on both sides.

Bluepeace · 30/12/2019 12:20

There's no way once the baby is here he will turn his back on the child.

Yeah because no man has ever walked out on his child

JacquesHammer · 30/12/2019 12:20

However, the OP HAD been told that her DH didn’t want a baby so it was wrong to come off the pill

A woman is never wrong to come off invasive hormonal contraception especially when she makes it clear to her partner.

The DH should probably have had the snip though, wrong on both sides

Absolutely. Or used condoms. It’s a bit rich having unprotected sex then tantrumming when a pregnancy occurs isn’t it?

MumofTinies · 30/12/2019 12:22

Why was she wrong to come of the pill? She was on the pill for nearly a decade before that, with all the side effects that come with it. Her DP is the one who didn't want a baby, he had enough time to make other arrangements for contraception. Why should OP pump hormones into her body for another decade to ensure her husband gets his own way?

LittleBearPad · 30/12/2019 12:24

He should have bought himself some condoms - they aren’t exactly hard to find!

Do what you want to do OP but don’t assume he’ll stay.

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