Got Married women pregnant:(

[Craig21]

Good evening, I know this mainly a women forum but I’m in a right mess physically and mentally and need some advice.

Right by the name of the title you will all probably judge me as I shouldn’t be going anywhere near a married women which I totally agree with now, so please hear me out.

I met a girl at my work place we clicked instantly, I knew she was taken and at the time I was in a relationship also. It became to much for us both so we started sneaking off together after work and meeting pretty regular. I really did fall for this girl she has a son who I haven’t met by the way and as I perviously stated she is married. Anyway cut the long story short, I broke up with my girlfriend as I didn’t wanna betray her anymore as she deserves so much better than me and to this day now I feel so so guilty and probably deserve what’s coming. Around March time she fell pregnant (married women) at first we didn’t know who the father was as she still was sleeping with her fella but she told him it was his child, and for 7 months he believed this was his. About 2-3 months ago we got a prenatal paternity test done and the results came back as I’m the biological father and at the time me and her was delighted. We started planning our future together and how she was gonna break up from him etc etc. They actually did separate and lived apart and this was my green light so I left the flat I was in, went back home to my parents to save money and clear some debts and also changed my job as it wasn’t paying enough .... so few months down the line she tells him the truth about everything the affair the pregnancy everything, and honestly I cannot believe this, after he took it all in he still wants to stay together with her after all the lies and cheating and carrying another mans baby and letting to think it’s his when he told his whole family just don’t understand. And now she is telling me she wants the same and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Also telling I cannot meet her for the MAT B1 form so I can give to work and this is from her words ... “I’m sick of the lying and I believe it’s not appropriate to meet” .... excuse me after everything we been through, all I asked for was a copy of the form so I can support you and baby. I cannot believe this and I’m in this mess this is what you get for crossing the line but still It’s pretty heartbreaking and disgusting by her, she led me on all this time for over one year we was seeing each other and now we are having a child and he will be bringing up my daughter and also he has told me I can’t go to the her house as he wants me no where near his son which I totally get but it’s still my child and I have every right to be there no matter the circumstances. To be honest I’m just so scared that they will move very far from me and I will not see her at all. The behaviour from this girl is absolutely mind blowing it’s like she is totally a different women but this is life I spouse, all my actions and decisions I made for nothing.

Hard for anyone to probably answer this but I’m really confused on what to do.

Do I go to labour with her? And support her which if I’m honest with you I don’t really want to as she is evil and doesn’t deserve nothing from me.

Should I speak to her husband? Even tho he probably wants to kick my head in.

I even thought if this is really what they both want maybe he can adopt her and then they can still have there “happy family” because the way I’m feeling right now I don’t want anything to do with this women anymore she has broken me completely.

Please don’t judge me on the last one but I thought deeply about it and yes it’s one hell of a decision to make but in a situation like this maybe it would be better for the child to brought up in the family and he to adopt her as I think things will get really messy and as i said I’m so scared to be not involved and it will kill me so if that’s the case then I’d prefer him to take full custody of her and let me live my life.

I have not made any decisions as of yet just wanted to hear some people’s opinions and thoughts.

Thanks for reading it’s a long one

Only you, your baby's mother & her husband can decide what is best.
I think you have to be guided by what they want.

Go to a solicitor, get legal advise on what your rights are.
I would even get them to write a letter to the mother (and husband) saying you will abide by their decision.

If they want you not involved, make sure they have your contact details at all times in case of medical needs and write your child a letter that they can give to her when they want her to know the truth. Start a savings scheme for her, that she can have at a later date.

If they want you to be involved be the best dad you can be.
You are in a very difficult p[position but you need to do what is best for your child.

This is a lesson for any young man, how easy it is to lose control of your rights as a parent.

Good luck with everything.

The obsession with 'labour' and watching reminds me of the baby Jesus and all the folk in the stable...and the birth date will be the same too.

If it was me, I wouldn't walk away. That's your kid. When the baby is born file for a declaration of parentage to the court, get named on the birth certificate through the courts then do a c100 and get to see your child.

I'm surprised at posters saying to leave them to it. Fuck that. Yes you both fucked up, but you're that kids biological father. Your kid has a right to know and have a relationship with you.

I found out I had a different dad when I was 7 or 8 and it ain't nice. He's now dead and I wish I had more of a relationship with him.

I've also just had a baby and wish the dad was more interested.

Do the right fucking thing.

I can guarantee their relationship will fall to shit. He's already said he doesn't want to be at the birth... great start that is 🧐

ItsNearlyMorning
thank you for sharing that.
It is (probably) not relevant to me but, just in case...
I am glad you got it sorted eventually and it is kind of you to share that experience on here as I for one had NO CLUE x

I’m amazed her husband is being so understanding (if you could call it that), it wouldn’t surprise me if she lied to him and said it was his baby tbh. I just can’t see any man wanting to raise another man’s newborn baby, under these circumstances anyway.

You really have fucked up. Best shot you have is seeking legal advice pronto and taking her to court when the baby is born if it comes to that.

1)lawyer
2)No attending birth. There is no need to stress mum as it will impact whole process. Whole concept of birth 'experience' is just wrong. People die during birth. It's done mostly in hospital because it is serious event.
3)A child needs to be supported for a long time and people's circumstances change. People divorce. Husband might feel resentment and it could show later on. There are too many children who don't have a father because he 'vanished', 'can't be contacted'. I don't think it is right just to vanish even if you are asked to do so.
www.childbereavementuk.org/death-bereavement-statistics
Around 111 children being bereaved of a parent every day.some end up in care because their other parent/relative can't be found.
4) Don't harass, visit or call randomly.
5) Think 'What's best for my child' . Not 'What's best for me and my child's.
6) Start paying child maintenance. 12% of your gross income. Start treating it as tax, something what is just done and forget about it. Don't treat it as extra money you are spending, something to resent as some parents do. It is for benefit of your child. To help with heating house, buying nappies, food, clothes, everything. On plus side in about 20 years when you will stop paying child maintenance you'll feel rich suddenly having so much money.
Having child might make you richer as it could motivate you.
7) Don't expect having a baby by yourself for a while. For a new mum it is very hard to be away from a baby. And for a baby away from mum. If you can hold your baby for half an hour while very carefully being watched, be glad and say thank you. It will change with time.
8) If you will make it for mum easier she will WANT you to be involved.

I think you should tell her that you respect that labour is an intense time and that give you are now broken up you won't attend unless she asks you to come. However you would like to be informed the baby is coming and to be able to visit the baby soon after birth as the father.

I would, in your mind, consider a relationship with your child as a teenager. What would they want you to do. I would argue they want you to 1) avoid at all costs conflict with their mum and 2) remain fully invested in their life regardless of what their mum and step dad want.

Don't abandon your child AND try to respect that your ex is now back with her husband who is rightly angry with you and may well (understandably but ultimately not reasonably) be very unsupportive of you having any role. Respect that feeling, but politely insist that your child is your child and will always be even if they celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary and your child has a great relationship with their step dad.

Agree you need to see a lawyer

If they want you to be involved be the best dad you can be.

It’s not their decision. He’s the father of this baby. He is entitled to be in the baby’s life.

I’m getting a lot of people telling me to walk away and let them be? Is this really the right thing to do?

That's impossible for a stranger on the internet to tell you. It may be, it may not.

You need to get a legal opinion and you need to have a conversation with the mother of your child and her husband.

Whattodoabout Tue 10-Dec-19 09:38:41
I’m amazed her husband is being so understanding (if you could call it that), it wouldn’t surprise me if she lied to him and said it was his baby tbh. I just can’t see any man wanting to raise another man’s newborn baby, under these circumstances anyway.
.......
I know my husband would have forgiven me and brought up the child as his own. It didn't happen thankfully but he would have done it because he loved me. He's not the only one, there are men everywhere who have done the same.

Problems arise when natural fathers want to muscle in on the parenting later on out of pure selfishness.

Start paying child maintenance. 12% of your gross income.

I would be very surprised if the baby's mother and her husband accepted child maintenance from the OP, if they are bringing the baby up together with their other child.

I posted already but want to add that I think her marriage won't last because if her h doesn't want to support her at the birth, he's already marking out the difference between this child and his child. A good mother will out her baby first and leave such a relationship.
But she might turn out to be one of those women who puts the man first, in which case you have to advocate for your daughter. You can't do that if you've left them to it.
I think a person would have to be amazing to love a child that was the result of their partner's affair, as much as their own child. Frankly, I wouldn't trust him to be that amazing. Be there for your daughter.

I think you are in a very difficult and sad situation.

I think the only advice I can give is to see a solicitor and go from there. Try not to complicate things any more.. forget about her and what happened there.. it sounds like she’s made her decision and she’s playing you both like a fool.

Your priority should be access to your child.. that is all and the only way that can be dealt with is legally if she and her husband are going to be obstructive.

Good luck

I spoke with her today, we met and had a talk. We both putting child first, and we agreed that I will be in labour, she wants me to go and thinks as I’m the father she wants me to be there. She didn’t grow up with her father as he passed away when she was at a young age, so she said she will never not let me not have access to my baby which is fantastic. We spoke about birth registration and again agreed that I’m registered as her father she wants this also. I told her I’m not gonna get in there relationship I will let them be but just wanna build a bond a be the best father I can. He obviously isn’t happy at all with it all she said he doesn’t want me involved at all but she doesn’t agree and believes I should be involved as much as possible. So definitely some steps.

Poor kid.

Even though it's a messy situation seems like it is going in the right direction. Glad she wants you to be involved.
I agree you should be there for her labour.

That’s good news @Craig21

@Craig21

I feel so sorry for her husband what horrible predicament to be in. She seems like she is calling all the shots and he has to go along with whatever she wants. I hope you keep a respectful distance from him because you have caused all this mess and she is not blameless either.

Wow what a horrible situation you're in, my heads battered just reading it so god knows what your feeling, her husband has no right to tell you what to do with your child, as a father you have rights and she also got herself into this situation so you both suffer the consequences, the people saying let her, her husband and baby just be left alone no that's not right you're not in the situation so it's easy for you to say, fathers have feelings also, god forbid but what if one day this child needed medical procedures that the father is only a match for etc, you need to fight for your child and be there for the baby you have every right, if she doesn't want you at the birth then you must accept this as it's very painful and it's about her, don't just turn up at the home as this isn't good for you or the baby as it will cause problems, seek legal advice.

@Craig21..

The married woman...she is not evil....you are just hurt & feeling rejected as she has gone back to her husband....does not make her a bad person (or you one for sleeping with her).

I think you need to take the relationship out of it and think of the baby & whats best for her. Do you want to be in the babys life and support her? If so, then you can be and have every right to be! Like I said, your not a bad person; just made some questionable choices...you totally deserve a chance at being a good dad.

Not sure on time frames so cant really say 'wait for the dust to settle'. Maybe you could speak to both of them...maybe an email/message addressed to them both explaining what it is you want and outlining you are no longer interested in her...just the baby.

Hope you get sorted

This thread is a great example why even married but also single people all need to be mindful of the pitfalls because it does in fact affect ALL parties and it does NOT usually work out the way we might think it will.

I am single like you and here is my experience:

When you violate a commandment, one of many possible consequences is insanity, this would answer the question why you feel so torn, scared, confused and unable to decide... Adultery is the 6th of the 10 commandments, these are not a joke. Commandments should be taken very seriously and remember, adultery applies to both parties involved.
Unfortunately you will feel the effects of this for some time and it will not go away soon but if you should chose the path of meekness and live a life of chastity and repent for your actions there is a chance that in time you may be able to return to some state of normalcy.
Here is more:
patient.info/news-and-features/how-an-affair-affects-your-sexual-and-mental-health

The child's parents by law:
www.karplawfirm.com/when-a-woman-is-married-and-pregnant-from-another-man/

As to why "she" did what she did?
First off she did not "lead you on" even thou it may seem that way, more likely she falsely believed some nonsense that allowed her to enter into this affair with you... Today (and after much trial and tribulation with her husband, possibly done quite a bit of soul searching as well) she sees the error in her ways and has decided she no longer wishes to go down that path.
It is now up to you to make the correct choice, this can be very confusing but one of many side-effects of having an affair is that it can actually strengthen the marriage of the one who is married. Sounds crazy but that is how it is, maybe they were having problems before... Now she's had to fess up to her husband and likely everything has been or is being worked out, the affair actually helped stir and speed up the process.

Insofar as having an actual relationship, there is truly no such thing as a healthy relationship coming out of this and I don't mean that for the married partners although that side suffers as well. First and foremost neither of you are strangers to living a lie, that in itself will affect the relationship from angles that are hard to put into words but lets just say once a cheat always a cheat, if the two of you were to get together it would usually be only a matter of time before this repeats itself.

Here is another good article:
www.divorcedgirlsmiling.com/having-an-affair-hows-that-working-out-for-you/

I'm going to conclude with this:
Thinking of having an affair?
Don't do it!