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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Got Married women pregnant:(

121 replies

Craig21 · 10/12/2019 04:13

Good evening, I know this mainly a women forum but I’m in a right mess physically and mentally and need some advice.

Right by the name of the title you will all probably judge me as I shouldn’t be going anywhere near a married women which I totally agree with now, so please hear me out.

I met a girl at my work place we clicked instantly, I knew she was taken and at the time I was in a relationship also. It became to much for us both so we started sneaking off together after work and meeting pretty regular. I really did fall for this girl she has a son who I haven’t met by the way and as I perviously stated she is married. Anyway cut the long story short, I broke up with my girlfriend as I didn’t wanna betray her anymore as she deserves so much better than me and to this day now I feel so so guilty and probably deserve what’s coming. Around March time she fell pregnant (married women) at first we didn’t know who the father was as she still was sleeping with her fella but she told him it was his child, and for 7 months he believed this was his. About 2-3 months ago we got a prenatal paternity test done and the results came back as I’m the biological father and at the time me and her was delighted. We started planning our future together and how she was gonna break up from him etc etc. They actually did separate and lived apart and this was my green light so I left the flat I was in, went back home to my parents to save money and clear some debts and also changed my job as it wasn’t paying enough .... so few months down the line she tells him the truth about everything the affair the pregnancy everything, and honestly I cannot believe this, after he took it all in he still wants to stay together with her after all the lies and cheating and carrying another mans baby and letting to think it’s his when he told his whole family just don’t understand. And now she is telling me she wants the same and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Also telling I cannot meet her for the MAT B1 form so I can give to work and this is from her words ... “I’m sick of the lying and I believe it’s not appropriate to meet” .... excuse me after everything we been through, all I asked for was a copy of the form so I can support you and baby. I cannot believe this and I’m in this mess this is what you get for crossing the line but still It’s pretty heartbreaking and disgusting by her, she led me on all this time for over one year we was seeing each other and now we are having a child and he will be bringing up my daughter and also he has told me I can’t go to the her house as he wants me no where near his son which I totally get but it’s still my child and I have every right to be there no matter the circumstances. To be honest I’m just so scared that they will move very far from me and I will not see her at all. The behaviour from this girl is absolutely mind blowing it’s like she is totally a different women but this is life I spouse, all my actions and decisions I made for nothing.

Hard for anyone to probably answer this but I’m really confused on what to do.

Do I go to labour with her? And support her which if I’m honest with you I don’t really want to as she is evil and doesn’t deserve nothing from me.

Should I speak to her husband? Even tho he probably wants to kick my head in.

I even thought if this is really what they both want maybe he can adopt her and then they can still have there “happy family” because the way I’m feeling right now I don’t want anything to do with this women anymore she has broken me completely.

Please don’t judge me on the last one but I thought deeply about it and yes it’s one hell of a decision to make but in a situation like this maybe it would be better for the child to brought up in the family and he to adopt her as I think things will get really messy and as i said I’m so scared to be not involved and it will kill me so if that’s the case then I’d prefer him to take full custody of her and let me live my life.

I have not made any decisions as of yet just wanted to hear some people’s opinions and thoughts.

Thanks for reading it’s a long one

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 10/12/2019 07:52

Stop being so pathetic.

Go see a lawyer, he will tell you your rights. If you want to be part of is child’s life you need to get your cat together. I don’t know whether a lawyer can write to her to prevent her putting someone else’s name on the birth certificate.

It’s your decision now whether to be part of the child’s life or not. Being part of the her life means probably fighting hard to see her and paying maintenance for at least the next 18 years.

Man up.

ItsNearlyMorning · 10/12/2019 07:52

@Craig21 the law in the UK is that if a woman is married and has a baby by another man , sperm donor or even surrogacy when still married when a baby is born, then the legal husbands name goes on the birth certificate and is the assumed father.
Her husband will have automatic parental responsibility, so no adoption needed but if you want contact and to financially contribute to this child you will need to go to court.
Otherwise because she is married you have no rights to the child.

FoamingAtTheUterus · 10/12/2019 07:54

It's illegal to put the non bio father on a birth certificate, there was a case in the media recently when a woman got prosecuted...........you've been an idiot. But I think you should take legal advice to push for contact.

DeathStare · 10/12/2019 07:56

I don’t know whether a lawyer can write to her to prevent her putting someone else’s name on the birth certificate

They could certainly write to her asking for a written copy of the DNA results (if the OP doesn't have a copy) and reminding her that it would be a criminal offence to put the wrong name on the birth certificate, and seeking clarification that she would be putting the OP's name on the birth certificate. (eg they could write expressing that because of the results of the DNA test he intends to be named on the birth certificate and requesting she informs him of when she will be going to register the birth)

If she doesn't put the OP's name on the birth certificate then a lawyer can advise him about how this can be rectified legally (and it can!) and his name added later.

DeathStare · 10/12/2019 07:57

the law in the UK is that if a woman is married and has a baby by another man , sperm donor or even surrogacy when still married when a baby is born, then the legal husbands name goes on the birth certificate and is the assumed father

OP ignore this. This is not correct. Get legal advice.

Surfskatefamily · 10/12/2019 07:58

If she has said to come to the labour then do. But check a again that shes 100% when she tells you shes in labour. No one needs two men fighting when they're pushing out a baby

The rest honestly your gonna have to go to court. When a baby is newborn they dont need to be around stress or arguing and mother cannot either. She will have no sleep, almost none at all.

It's best for you, ex and child to have a court agreement in place. Its unrealistic for a newborn to be having overnight or 5050. Normally your starting with an hour here and there and when they are able to be away from mother a little longer a whole morning or afternoon. Working up to a whole day. All gradual and in the best interest of the child so please as much as you will feel wronged by this woman at times try to focus on your daughters best interests.

OldEvilOwl · 10/12/2019 07:58

Don't go to the labour
Get legal advice

Morgan12 · 10/12/2019 08:08

Honestly I think she will be hoping that you walk away and let her husband raise the baby as his.

I would get a lawyer asap. I can't see this going well for you.

Think how much easier their lives will be if you aren't in it. That's what they will want.

ysmaem · 10/12/2019 08:17

This happened to my friend. Had an affair with a married woman, she fell pregnant, left her husband (whom she already had 3 sons by) and lived with the other man for a few months. Husband decided to forgive wife and wife left the other man and went back to her husband and decided her husband would raise the baby not the biological father. My friend was absolutely heartbroken and had every intention to fight for joint custody at first but in the end he didn't because, and I quote, "it felt like too much hard work" and I'm assuming the baby who is now has to be around high school age hasn't a clue who the true father is. Don't be my friend and let it slide. You both need to take responsibility for the life you created. This is your child as well as hers. Good luck OP

Amber2019 · 10/12/2019 08:19

Seek legal advice, if you want to be in the babies life. Go now and get advice and see where you stand. I wouldn't have any letters sent until after the baby is born though. You can go through the proper legal channels and get parental responsibility.
Have a long hard think about the future, if you are going to 100% be in the childs life forever, if you have any doubt then walk away. Your child needs stability. Forget about the labour, that's the womans choice and you have to put any anger/resentment to the mother away, it wont help.
At the end of the day the child is yours and you have every right to be involved in your own kids life but do it the proper way from the start and dont muddy the waters any further.

Farahilda · 10/12/2019 08:24

"OP ignore this. This is not correct. Get legal advice"

Actually, it is correct. A married woman's child is assumed to be that of the husband unless/until proven otherwise. So the initial legal position it is not the end of the story, and that is why OP needs legal advice.

And as a matter of priority, he needs to start maying for his child from birth.

ItsNearlyMorning · 10/12/2019 08:32

I do consultancy work for a US based surrogacy attorney, dealing with UK commissioning parents.
The husband of the woman IS considered the legal parent if married at the time of birth.
If a surrogate is married and the baby is born in the UK, then the husband and surrogate mother go on the babies birth certificate by law .
The same applies to married women who use sperm donors or who have affairs.
In surrogacy cases the parents go for a parental order and a new birth certificate is issued with the names of commissioning parents.
You need a lawyer if you want contact and the sooner the better.
Even though you won't have PR unless a court awards it , you may still be liable for CM.
I personally know of a case I was involved in, in the UK where the surrogate decided to keep the baby ( not her biological child) and the surrogate and her husband went onto the birth certificate.
After a year of legal fighting the commissioning fathers were given custody ( surrogate mother and her husband were given generous contact ) and the child had 4 adults with parental responsibility.
They were not able to have the surrogates husband removed from the birth certificate and he did not lose PR because of the assumption that as the husband of the woman giving birth he was the legal father.
Personally I was still married to my ex husband when my first DC was born ( had been separated for 3 years, divorce ongoing) and my now husband and I had to go to court to get him PR even though he is the biological father and my ex asked for his PR to be withdrawn.
We did this within the 6 week time frame for registration of birth and took the paperwork along so my now husband could go onto the birth certificate.
But I don't have a clue what I'm talking about, so ignore me !

Got Married women pregnant:(
Littlemeadow123 · 10/12/2019 08:37

If she has told you that you can be at the birth then be prepared for her to change her mind about that. She sounds quite contrary. If she does change her mind then there is nothing you can do. Fathers do NOT have a god given right to be at the birth. If she doesnt want you there, she will have you kicked out by medical staff.

In terms of access to the child, I agree with what others have said about seeking legal advice. Your baby has a right to know the truth about her father.

Littlemeadow123 · 10/12/2019 08:41

And for what its worth, I think you are both to blame for this. She chose ot cheat on her husband and it takes two to make a baby. And now she is being immature and cruel.

pinboard · 10/12/2019 08:45

ItsNearlyMorning

Is that the case if the woman is still technically married but has been living separately from the husband eg for some time though?

OP, I'd not attend the birth unless you are invited in some provable way (ie by text / msg)

the main thing is to see a lawyer and think of the long term contact that might be possible. The child deserves to know who her bio father is - its the adults that have made the mess, not the child

Mamabear88 · 10/12/2019 08:49

Absolutely DO NOT go to the labour. Do not try and speak to her husband. Do not go near their home and tbh I wouldn't go near her either. Be very careful what you say in messages to her - this could be used against you at a later date. You really need to make a decision sharpish as to whether you want to be in your babies life. If so you need to get yourself a good lawyer to draw up child support payments and access issues. I hope you've earned your lesson the hard way and won't get yourself in such a messy situation again.

pinboard · 10/12/2019 08:49

sorry, x post itsNearlyMorning

  • so even after 3 years separation, a baby would still be considered legally to be the husbands even if it could be proved that he was NOT the bio Dad? And even if that Dad was happy to relinquish PR, you and bio Dad would still have to go to court to establish PR for bio Dad.

Crikey!!!

ShippingNews · 10/12/2019 08:52

Keep in mind that if you insist on being named as the father on the birth certificate, you'll be paying child support for the next 16 years, at least. Even if the child is being brought up by the woman and her husband, you'll be paying about 10% of your wages for a really long time.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 10/12/2019 08:54

@ShippingNews are you serious? He needs to be paying that money anyway. And for 18 years, not 16.

It's his baby regardless of whose name is on the birth certificate and paying child maintenance is part and parcel.

dottiedodah · 10/12/2019 08:55

Firstly to say Im sorry you are in a bad place right now .Yes you shouldnt have got involved with her ,but these things happen .You sound quite young still .Im guessing here but is she older than you by quite a bit? I think if you rock up when she is in Labour ,she will get stressed out and you will not be in a good place either.Sometimes you may have to accept that for her own reasons ,she has decided to stay within her marriage it seems.Even if you try to get visiting rights ,it will be beyond awkward and emotionally very tough to see your DD for you ,when you see them as a family with your Child.Many people who are married and having problems ,think an affair is a way out ,and she probably did love you.However she has decided to stay within her marriage and thats her decision .Maybe take a break from relationships right now ,and see if you could maybe book a holiday ,stay with friends ? .If you are with your family they will be behind you as well .Theres a saying with Affairs that someone always gets hurt which as you have found out is very true!

MangoesAreMyFavourite · 10/12/2019 08:57

You've had some good advice. Only thing I would like to add is -
remember that thing on puppies... a dog is for life - not just for Christmas?

Well, a child is the same - only a million times more. Don't mess the baby/child around.

If you do decide to go legal and get access, contact whatever - remember to be consistent even when one day you will meet someone else and have another family, other kids.

ItsNearlyMorning · 10/12/2019 08:59

@pinboard my ex was a horrible narc CF and had dragged his feet for the whole 3 years and refused to divorce me.
It wasn't even a financial issue, it was pure control.
Thank goodness we had no DC.
He was very clued up legally and we had no choice.
Once we got married we had to go back to the registry office and have the marriage recognition thing done too.
Bloody nightmare.

NotAPoshTelevision · 10/12/2019 09:04

Let me get this straight.

In the world of MN, in a few years time when the woman posts saying the real father of the baby didn't "try hard enough" and abandoned his child after her marriage inevitably fails, the man would be vilified as a piece of shit and dragged though a forum like filth.

And we have women here actively telling this man he is only a sperm donor and to basically write a cheque and move on?

What is wrong with you people?

Aderyn19 · 10/12/2019 09:05

If her husband doesn't want to be at the birth, how can he be relied upon to treat this baby as if she were really his daughter? That's the thing which should concern you most.
I think the child is entitled to her own father, who will make sure she is safe and fairly treated. I'd be getting legal advice right now.

SexlessBoulderBelly · 10/12/2019 09:10

Oh hello, Karma.

Will people please stop home wrecking.
If you both had an interest in each other is the first place why were both of your current relationships not broken off straight away to minimise the amount of deceit and hurt you have both caused?