Got Married women pregnant:(

[Craig21]

Good evening, I know this mainly a women forum but I’m in a right mess physically and mentally and need some advice.

Right by the name of the title you will all probably judge me as I shouldn’t be going anywhere near a married women which I totally agree with now, so please hear me out.

I met a girl at my work place we clicked instantly, I knew she was taken and at the time I was in a relationship also. It became to much for us both so we started sneaking off together after work and meeting pretty regular. I really did fall for this girl she has a son who I haven’t met by the way and as I perviously stated she is married. Anyway cut the long story short, I broke up with my girlfriend as I didn’t wanna betray her anymore as she deserves so much better than me and to this day now I feel so so guilty and probably deserve what’s coming. Around March time she fell pregnant (married women) at first we didn’t know who the father was as she still was sleeping with her fella but she told him it was his child, and for 7 months he believed this was his. About 2-3 months ago we got a prenatal paternity test done and the results came back as I’m the biological father and at the time me and her was delighted. We started planning our future together and how she was gonna break up from him etc etc. They actually did separate and lived apart and this was my green light so I left the flat I was in, went back home to my parents to save money and clear some debts and also changed my job as it wasn’t paying enough .... so few months down the line she tells him the truth about everything the affair the pregnancy everything, and honestly I cannot believe this, after he took it all in he still wants to stay together with her after all the lies and cheating and carrying another mans baby and letting to think it’s his when he told his whole family just don’t understand. And now she is telling me she wants the same and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Also telling I cannot meet her for the MAT B1 form so I can give to work and this is from her words ... “I’m sick of the lying and I believe it’s not appropriate to meet” .... excuse me after everything we been through, all I asked for was a copy of the form so I can support you and baby. I cannot believe this and I’m in this mess this is what you get for crossing the line but still It’s pretty heartbreaking and disgusting by her, she led me on all this time for over one year we was seeing each other and now we are having a child and he will be bringing up my daughter and also he has told me I can’t go to the her house as he wants me no where near his son which I totally get but it’s still my child and I have every right to be there no matter the circumstances. To be honest I’m just so scared that they will move very far from me and I will not see her at all. The behaviour from this girl is absolutely mind blowing it’s like she is totally a different women but this is life I spouse, all my actions and decisions I made for nothing.

Hard for anyone to probably answer this but I’m really confused on what to do.

Do I go to labour with her? And support her which if I’m honest with you I don’t really want to as she is evil and doesn’t deserve nothing from me.

Should I speak to her husband? Even tho he probably wants to kick my head in.

I even thought if this is really what they both want maybe he can adopt her and then they can still have there “happy family” because the way I’m feeling right now I don’t want anything to do with this women anymore she has broken me completely.

Please don’t judge me on the last one but I thought deeply about it and yes it’s one hell of a decision to make but in a situation like this maybe it would be better for the child to brought up in the family and he to adopt her as I think things will get really messy and as i said I’m so scared to be not involved and it will kill me so if that’s the case then I’d prefer him to take full custody of her and let me live my life.

I have not made any decisions as of yet just wanted to hear some people’s opinions and thoughts.

Thanks for reading it’s a long one

Definitely don’t go to the birth. The mother can choose a birthing partner - probably her husband if they are reconciled. You have no right to be there.
After the baby has arrived, decide whether you want parental responsibility and then tell her. You may need to apply to the courts for this & for access.
But don’t expect to rekindle your relationship.

@Craig21

I think she knows she made a mistake sleeping with you and has decided she wants to stay with her husband not you. If you want visitation you will have to get legal advice. I personally think you should leave them alone and let your baby if it is yours have a happy life with his Mum and Dad. I know you want to be involved but are you thinking about what your child will be put through because of a mistake you made by not using protection?

@GiveHerHellFromUs Yes I have proof baby is mine, I got the results sent to me via email from the company we used. I would love to be dad but never in this way obviously but what is done is done. I agree that’s why I don’t think I need to attend really I just wanted to experience it as maybe will never happen again.

I agree, but I just don’t think he will want to sit down and speak that’s the issue, again I don’t blame him but I just hope for child's sake he can in near future.

The last time I spoke to her .. she told me her husband does not want to go labour that’s why I keep asking if I should go because he will not be there would be just me.

Of course I would not go there if he was there.

@Craig21

My Dad left before I was born and my mother had to bring me up alone. He then decided to return when I was about 1 years of age my mother was having none of it and I have never met him since. He has not bothered to contact me and I have not bothered to contact him even though I know where he is in Ireland. I consider my step-dad to be my real Dad because he raised me. I hope you can be a good Dad and try not to disrupt your child's life too much.

@Craig21
Hi, so sorry to hear that this is going to be a difficult road for you.

Attending the labour .... I will be surprised if she lets you know please manage your expectations on this one, as tension and stress during labour is something to
Avoid for health of mum and baby ... if her husband is there is not a recipe for peace and tranquility . Although the labour would be amazing for you to be there I would
Personally settle For knowing when she is in labour and then when daughter is born and what weight is etc ... and
Seeing your daughter going forward / not antagonising the husband too much more would be my top priority one day vs a lifetime

Lawyer :- there is no time like the present ... you may not get your wish of being a birth and yes it takes time ... but any delay could be a delay in meeting your daughter why wait? As if only 2 weeks till the birth feels too late why would 2 weeks after she is born feel any better?

It’s hard going and you have the split to make things feel worse but try to be a carefully thought out as possible in your requests , try not to let them see your hurt over the woman you had the affair with .. it’s all about your daughter now and you have a right to see her it’s just you need to fight for it as I think the husband is closing his eyes and trying to pretend you never exsisted

To be honest I think your only role in this unhappy little threesome from now on will be Writer of Monthly Cheque.

You had a pre-natal paternity test done 2-3 months ago which is not generally advised as can cause early labour. Which lab did the test, how much did it cost and who paid?

If this woman has told you she wants nothing to do with you, I suspect you can safely assume that she doesn't want you present when she gives birth.

As she is a married woman, when the child's birth is registered the law will assume that s/he is child of the marriage and it's entirely possible that her husband will be named as father on the birth certificate thus obviating any need for him to adopt what is, allegedly, your child.

If you wish to play any part in this child's life I would suggest you consult a solicitor sooner rather than later to ascertain what can be done to prevent the child being registered as a child of the marriage.

@DonKeyShot

My step-dad adopted me and I had a new birth certificate. My real Dad was never on my birth certificate because my Mother thought he was no good and she did not love him. They were both very young at the time (19) and probably made a mistake by sleeping together.

@DonKeyshot it was an non invasive prenatal test which had no harm to her or the baby. We went through DDC and it cost £990 which we went half’s on.

She has not actually said the words she wants nothing to do with me, she has always said she will always let me be there but how can I trust these words. I don’t trust anything from her mouth. After reading through all the comments I think maybe is best I don’t attend labour because it will be stressful enough for her and I only want the best for baby.

Yes your right so I will need to discuss this with her ASAP as I want to know which name is being registered.

@Craig21 the name is irrelevant. It doesn't matter whose name the baby has.
What matters is who has parental responsibility.

As you're not married, you'd need to be there when she registers the birth.

You do need to see a lawyer.

As she is married she can register the child as her husband's (I think) and that may be what she and her husband are planning to do.

You also need to think about what is best for the baby. And this is the hard bit, you need to think about all options including walking away and leaving them to be a happy family. Think about what you want, but think about what your child needs now and in the future.

Would you be happy to take on the role of 'uncle'?

@Craig21

You need to see this from her perspective.

1. She has another child and a good husband (it's not easy to abandon all this)
2. Her husband is probably much more stable financially compared to you . A woman with children needs security.
3. It sounds like she could have not moved out earlier this year and now she's obviously had to choose between security for her soon to be two children and you (no house, no savings, living with mom and dad)
4. What was the plan for her son if you two were to proceed with your plan and move in together?
5. The prospect of divorce has made her realize that maybe she's better off staying with her husband

Also. Contrary on what other people say, you don't have rights over her baby. In this situation you are the sperm donor. Please do not try to bully this woman and let her be. If she adds your name to the birth certificate then you have more of a case to demand to see this child.

I think you deserve better future, too. You should not have guilty conscience over this.
You won't be able to move on for quite some time but it will be better for everyone if you stepped back I'm afraid.

I may be wrong but I thought that if two people are married and the woman has a baby that the husbands name would automatically go on the birth certificate.
If I was you I'd back off now and see what happens in the future. No doubt if they split up eventually the woman will inform CSA that you are the biological father. In the meantime I'd let this couple see if they can work their marriage out without you complicating it further.

I know it’s only 2 weeks til the baby is born, but it only takes 30 minutes to see a solicitor.

I think you should persevere with the process, if only because it is important for the child to know their genetics - and I’m certain genetic information will become a huge thing in the next 20-30 years.

ALL you need to do right now, is make a list of questions and go and see a solicitor. You do not need to have any further contact with the mother, or anyone else. You will not get a clear answer at this stage. They have no idea how they will get on once the baby is born, and they have to just do their own thing to try and get back on track.

You getting involved might push them together, pull them apart..just leave them to it, and get to that one appt in the next few days. That’s ALL. The rest can wait.

Given your language about her you’re obviously very upset, very bitter, so you do not want to go near any of them until you can present a calm and organised front, and know what you plan to do. Good luck.

Assuming that your dm was not married to your biological father, it would seem she chose to leave his name off of your birth certificate and, that being the case, had no need to seek his approval when your stepfather adopted you and became your father in the eyes of the law, JolieOBrien.

If you look closely at your full birth certificate it's likely to be that of an adopted child as the law at that time required your mother to adopt you together with your (adoptive) father.

OP
She has changed her mind. She behaved in exactly the same standard you have, but she changed her mind.
It doesn't make her evil, any less than the whole thing makes you evil.

If you genuinely want to be in the baby's life, then tread carefully. By that I mean put the relationship with your ex well and truly behind you, and behave in a mature, dignified fashion.
What you do now will set the tone for the future.

@Craig21
You messed up and tried to do right by your former girlfriend and the married woman who is now pregnant. But I see you are trying to do the right thing by the baby.
Given your user name; are you only 21 years old?
As pps have said, go and see a solicitor.
The mother may well do a second dna test once the child is born.
Unfortunately I don’t think you are going to have a lot of contact with this child, but you can try to have some access.
There’s prêtty tight security on Labour / Maternity wards, so you won’t be able to get in unless you have permission.
Good luck and I hope you can come to some sort of amiable solution with the woman and her husband.

I’m getting a lot of people telling me to walk away and let them be? Is this really the right thing to do? I thought for baby to know her biological father is huge but seems maybe not so, as many are saying let him bring her up and be the dad which is surprising.

I know this whole situation is messed up and if I want to be involved in the child’s life then it’s gonna be one hell of a rollercoaster and if I’m honest I don’t think them two will last, I’m not saying this is what I want I’m just saying if she does put my name on the birth certificate and let’s me be involved I will see him and her weekly and not sure what kind of impact that will have on them 2.

@Craig21

Seek the help of a professional and also ask what happens when you/if you are named as father on the birth certificate.

Being "the father" comes with a lot of implications too. You might end up having to write monthly checks till the rest of your life. You are also depriving your future children from some of their inheritance which will go to your biological daughter. Also, you are going to deprive your daughter from inheritance from her "step dad" unless they have a will set in place.

I don’t know whether this will be of any help to you but I have googled Fathers4justice
www.fathers-4-justice.org/our-campaign/fathers-rights-help-advice-support/

It’s not really your situation, as your future Dd actually has 2 fathers.
At least they could point you in the direction of legal advice and how you can have access.

I think for now, you need to take practical steps and get some legal advice and work through your feelings. It’s not going to help relations in the future if you think of this child’s mother as evil. ( the angry feelings will pass).
She needs some space now to deliver this child safely.
Your turn will come, but at the moment everything is very raw.

hoping it works out well for all concerned craig, difficult times for someone your age, but do take advice from pp and get some legal.

Who goes to the labour is completely and utterly up to her and nobody else. This is about supporting HER not about witnessing an event. Nobody should put her under any pressure about who she has there and who she doesn't (though I could completely understand if her DH said their marriage would be over if you were there).

Stop focusing on the labour and go to see a lawyer so that you can establish a relationship with your baby. She should also be aware that she will be committing a criminal offence if she registers the baby in her DH's name`. Even if she doesn't put your name on the birth certificate your lawyer can advise you on how to have it added.

Do you have any actual proof that she has told her husband?