Got Married women pregnant:(

[Craig21]

Good evening, I know this mainly a women forum but I’m in a right mess physically and mentally and need some advice.

Right by the name of the title you will all probably judge me as I shouldn’t be going anywhere near a married women which I totally agree with now, so please hear me out.

I met a girl at my work place we clicked instantly, I knew she was taken and at the time I was in a relationship also. It became to much for us both so we started sneaking off together after work and meeting pretty regular. I really did fall for this girl she has a son who I haven’t met by the way and as I perviously stated she is married. Anyway cut the long story short, I broke up with my girlfriend as I didn’t wanna betray her anymore as she deserves so much better than me and to this day now I feel so so guilty and probably deserve what’s coming. Around March time she fell pregnant (married women) at first we didn’t know who the father was as she still was sleeping with her fella but she told him it was his child, and for 7 months he believed this was his. About 2-3 months ago we got a prenatal paternity test done and the results came back as I’m the biological father and at the time me and her was delighted. We started planning our future together and how she was gonna break up from him etc etc. They actually did separate and lived apart and this was my green light so I left the flat I was in, went back home to my parents to save money and clear some debts and also changed my job as it wasn’t paying enough .... so few months down the line she tells him the truth about everything the affair the pregnancy everything, and honestly I cannot believe this, after he took it all in he still wants to stay together with her after all the lies and cheating and carrying another mans baby and letting to think it’s his when he told his whole family just don’t understand. And now she is telling me she wants the same and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Also telling I cannot meet her for the MAT B1 form so I can give to work and this is from her words ... “I’m sick of the lying and I believe it’s not appropriate to meet” .... excuse me after everything we been through, all I asked for was a copy of the form so I can support you and baby. I cannot believe this and I’m in this mess this is what you get for crossing the line but still It’s pretty heartbreaking and disgusting by her, she led me on all this time for over one year we was seeing each other and now we are having a child and he will be bringing up my daughter and also he has told me I can’t go to the her house as he wants me no where near his son which I totally get but it’s still my child and I have every right to be there no matter the circumstances. To be honest I’m just so scared that they will move very far from me and I will not see her at all. The behaviour from this girl is absolutely mind blowing it’s like she is totally a different women but this is life I spouse, all my actions and decisions I made for nothing.

Hard for anyone to probably answer this but I’m really confused on what to do.

Do I go to labour with her? And support her which if I’m honest with you I don’t really want to as she is evil and doesn’t deserve nothing from me.

Should I speak to her husband? Even tho he probably wants to kick my head in.

I even thought if this is really what they both want maybe he can adopt her and then they can still have there “happy family” because the way I’m feeling right now I don’t want anything to do with this women anymore she has broken me completely.

Please don’t judge me on the last one but I thought deeply about it and yes it’s one hell of a decision to make but in a situation like this maybe it would be better for the child to brought up in the family and he to adopt her as I think things will get really messy and as i said I’m so scared to be not involved and it will kill me so if that’s the case then I’d prefer him to take full custody of her and let me live my life.

I have not made any decisions as of yet just wanted to hear some people’s opinions and thoughts.

Thanks for reading it’s a long one

I have seen messages from him to her what she sent me but that is all no proof. This has crossed my mind also that maybe she has told me a different story ... who knows only her.

I want to go as it’s my child and it’s a one in a lifetime experience but at the same time she will need support from me while delivering and I don’t think she deserves that from me honestly, yes it’s about the child but still and then after labour she is gonna take my daughter home and live a happy life with her husband, bloody hurts man but my own stupid fault

Labour is not Disneyland you know.

It's not some thrilling viewer participation spectacle that you deserve a front row ticket to.

Your 'girl' will be in immense pain and will not need anything but the full attention of her husband.

Stay home.

Get over yourself.

DO NOT send a solicitor's letter or any other aggressive communication to this woman.

She has your number for whenever things come unglued in her marriage.

She says you can go to the birth but wants nothing to do with you. Not sure I believe this

I’m getting a lot of people telling me to walk away and let them be? Is this really the right thing to do?

Yes, I think it probably is. All of the adults involved appear to inderstand the situation, so now it's time to think about what's best for the family(ies) in general, and the children in particular.

If things don't work out between her and her husband - I'd be surprised if they did - then perhaps in a few years' time you could revisit the situation, once the entire rest of her family isn't embroiled in this. Until then, IMO you've got to chalk this up to shitty things happen when an affair is involved.

She'll eventually have to tell the baby he truth, surely, and that will be when she feels it's not emotionally traumatic for your child, how ever that ends up coming about. If that somehow never happens, then you just be grateful to God that your child has a stable family life.

100% DO NOT go to the labour. I think the best thing for everyone, legal rights entirely aside, is for you to let her family be and wait for her to eventually contact you.

I actually feel sorry for you even though you've been a complete idiot.

How sad that people think biology is so meaningless. Of course the baby has the right to know who her father is but her husband will go on the birth certificate unless you are there.

This obsession with “attending” labour as though it’s a fucking spectacle is bizarre OP. It’s the most private experience imaginable and suddenly I’m getting these images of queens giving birth with the Home Secretary squirming behind an inadequate curtain. “Attend labour” just sets my teeth on edge.!

It's not that biology is 'so meaningless'.

It's the fact that this is not primarily about whose name goes on the birth cert.

It's about affording a woman time and space and peace of mind to go through labour and childbirth and recovery, and giving her and her husband and the other child, who is the ultimate innocent victim of all of this shit, the chance to cobble their lives back together.

@movingdilemma1234 yeah you're wrong. If her husband was the father he wouldn't need to attend the registration of birth and she could still register him as the father.

However he doesn't automatically go onto the birth certificate.

It's also an offence to register someone as a biological parent if they're not

@Craig21 I don't think you should just walk away. I wouldn't want to be with a man who abandoned his baby because it was the easy option.

I don't see why you believe you have the right to call this woman "evil" when you were a willing, if not eager, participant in making this child.

You have both undoubtedly caused immense hurt and humiliation to her husband, who is also the father of her first child, and to my mind it doesn't bode well if he's not willing to support his wife in labour when she gives birth to her second child.

As it is, he's going to have to watch her nurse and nurture a child that is not his, and my fear is that if he's not the forgiving type he may treat your child differently to his own.

It's an unholy mess in which there are no winners, and most certainly not the innocent child who doesn't deserve to be brought into this highly unsatisfactory situation.

It remains to be seen whether you can forge a relationship with your child in the face of the husband's apparent obduracy. The baby will need to bond with its mother and if, as seems likely, you're not welcome at her home it wouldn't be fair to expect her to meet you in some pubic place or other with a newborn.

Setting aside the all-important question of the birth certificate for which you must seek legal advice - and please NOT from justice 4 fathers who are guaranteed to turn a drama into crisis - if you're unable to see your child in the maternity unit shortly after birth, I suggest you ask the mother to send you a photo and, going forward, to send you weekly photos so that you can keep some track of her development.

It may be that you should content yourself with weekly updates of this nature until the baby begins to engage with strangers, at which time passions may have cooled and you may be able to set up a visitation schedule whereby you can see your child regularly, even if it isn't as frequently as you like.

Wherever possible, I am an advocate of every child having access to/knowledge of the circumstances of their birth and their biological parents. Maybe you would be satisfied with an assurance from your ex-lover and her husband that your child won't be raised in ignorance of your existence?

What a load of crap.

The people who say you need legal advice are correct.

For what it is worth, I know someone this happened to, although the paternity was realised after the birth not before.

I am not sure of the legal process, but if you are biologically the father, you can have this recognised in court and ask for contact with the baby. This should be in line with the best interests of the baby - so short amounts at first. It is considered in the best interests of a child to know they biological parents if this is safe (ie no abuse).

There is a legal forum on here, so I would ask over there. Forget going to the labour unless you are explicitly and clearly invited (ie Not you using strong words to coerce your way in!) and focus on what kind of relationship you would like with your child as they grow up. The primary bond will be with the mother when the baby is small but this does not mean you should have no contact. You need to take legal advice, though, and have things properly regulated.

'Got married women pregnant'.

Do you mean 'woman'? because 'women' means multiple females. How many people did you impregnate?

You need to back the fuck off and stop behaving in an entitled manner.

Her birth, her baby in a legal marriage, not your business.

So....she wants 'nothing to do with you' but has also said you are 'welcome at the labour'. Hmmmmm.

Her birth, her baby in a legal marriage, not your business.

The baby isn't her husbands though. It's OP's baby so is 100% his business

I really can’t believe she wants you at the birth but doesn’t want anything to do with you. It doesn’t add up

Also stop calls me the woman who is about to have her second DC a 'girl'. She's a grown woman, and you should be respecting her as such.

You only visit someine during their labour if they explicitly invite you. Caving to 'forceful words' is not an acceptable invitation, and is an utterly shameful thing to to someone ever, let alone in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy. Whether her DH is there is none of your business.

More importantly you need to arrange how you are going to support your child. Have you got bank account details so you can transfer CM - will you be paying weekly or monthly?

You do need to arrange access - expect little and often with a newborn (especially if breastfed, where there is no routine, and baby cannot be away from mother for long). Also birth certificate stuff: the child of a married woman is legally assumed to be a child of the marriage unless repudiated/proven otherwise. You will need a further (court recognised) paternity test to demonstrate this.

This is where mums net confuses me, we have a man who wants to be in his child's life and he is been told to stay away and yet we have countless posts the other way round and the women are told to go for everything.

If you want to be in your daughters life forever then go to a solicitor and do things properly. If you do this though it needs to be a consistent forever thing. You can't just come and go and you need to be prepared for the financial side too. If they don't want child maintenance then you put the money you would have paid into a savings account for the child for when she is older.
You can only be at the birth if she lets you. I don't think she will want you there so accept that now. No anger or aggression as it won't help your case in future.
Whenever you speak to them you remain calm and considerate. Yes the man is going to hate you but he is trying to keep his family together and you have to respect that.
You can all make this work but right now emotions are high and you need to be the better person right now.

It isn’t really all that confusing strawberry, it is about respecting a woman’s choice.

You should not "go labour". Birth partners are there to help and support the woman, not for a "once in a lifetime experience". You being there will make her stressed, make it more likely for something to go wrong and be a very negative start to your relationship with your child.

If you decide you want to have parental responsibilities (you dont have to) then you need to have your name put on the birth certificate. I would ask her (gently) about what her plans are for this, speak to a lawyer and go from there.

Remember if you have parental responsibility you will have to pay child maintenance but you will not get much say over how often you see the child, this would be decided by the courts.

I may be going against the grain here but you are the father, you have as many rights as she has and you should enforce them. Personally I don't think her husband should be at the birth but I do appreciate she.might not want you there
Go and see a lawyer do everything via family court, shes sounds just the type to use child against you. You do sound quite young but you are a dad so do everything by the law and be daddy to your daughter. Always be there and don't let anyone tell you different.

This is where mums net confuses me, we have a man who wants to be in his child's life and he is been told to stay away

Hardly anyone is telling him to stay away from the child. Almost everyone is telling him to get legal advice about how to see the child.

People are telling him to stay away from an ex when she is in labour if she does not want him to be there (and by "want", it is meant without being forced into it). Ie they are telling him not to harass her.

Death I am reading as you are!

you are the father, you have as many rights as she has and you should enforce them

He is not the father until the baby has actually been born. Until that moment he has zero rights.

By your logic do all fathers get to be there when the baby is born even if the mother doesn't want them to be there? Abusive (ex) partners? Rapists?

Is this some kind of weird labour troll very odd.....