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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

83 replies

Frances19 · 19/11/2019 23:24

Hi,

I know this is a difficult one so I hope it's not a trigger for anyone. I have been in a relationship for two years and I've recently unexpectedly become pregnant. I was on medication that messed up the pill and didn't realise. We are both in our 30s but he had a bad childhood and doesn't have a good relationship with his family. He had previously said he didn't want children.

He is now asking me to have an abortion as he doesn't see a way forward if I have the baby. I have offered to raise the baby on my own and not involve him but he said that would break his heart and has begged me to have an abortion as he says he is not able to be a Dad. I went for counselling today but it just made my head unclear. I don't want to do this alone but it seems he's unable to be a father.

OP posts:
AmyMaria2 · 20/11/2019 01:50

It's your choice, he's given you his opinion and that's fine but if after hearing his opinion you still want to keep your baby then that's what you need to do, don't feel pressured or guilted into anything. He doesn't feel like he can be a father, ok but if you feel like you can be a mother and that's what you want to do then do it! And when you have the baby and he meets the baby everything could change, good luck xx

OhMyDarling · 20/11/2019 01:58

My goodness, these men!
They make babies then can’t be fathers, honestly when will they take responsibility?!!

He’s clearly a waste of time, put yourself first.
Your body, your choice.
But never make such a big decision based on what he thinks he wants one minute when he can’t even be bothered to wear a condom.

He shouldn’t be “asking you to have an abortion” let alone “begging you”.
What a joke.
Ditch him and live the life you want without a man child dragging you down.

Notsurehowtofixit · 20/11/2019 02:04

If you can't count on the father, you need to consider your other supports - relatives and friends. And think about your financial situation. That is my advice.

I'm not surprised your head is spinning, it's a big deal, but you will make a good decision, I am sure.

thr33andme · 20/11/2019 02:26

Your body, your choice.

He's made his opinion clear but regardless of whether it would break his heart for him for you to raise the baby alone, how would it make you feel?

This is your baby too. If you think you can do it alone and want to (in the long run - I don't think anyone absolutely wants to be a single parent and would rather have a family) then you should.

Mintjulia · 20/11/2019 02:43

At this point, it is your choice not his.
I’m a single mum and, while it can be tiring, it is also the best thing I have ever done.
Go with your instincts. He may come round to the idea but if not, you will cope fine. You are a grown woman with skills and experience to draw on. Congratulations.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 20/11/2019 02:51

It’s your body your choice. If you feel forced into this every so slightly, or it isn’t a joint decision the relationship will break down eventually.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 20/11/2019 07:21

Do you want children? If so and since you're in your 30s I'd be inclined to keep it. If it was me I'd always resent him - lots of people have bad childhoods doesn't mean they can let it impact YOUR life as well as his own.

MrsAgassi · 20/11/2019 07:28

He's adamant he doesn't want to be a father yet his concerns weren't strong enough to take some responsibility for contraception?

Your body, your choice. Don't have a termination simply to suit him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 20/11/2019 07:39

You said you've offered to do it alone. If you want to, do it.

He doesn't need to be a dad - you've given him an out.

It's up to you OP, not him.

Lolacat1234 · 20/11/2019 08:06

It's your choice simple as that, he doesn't come into the equation unfortunately. You can listen to his views but in the end it's up to you. If you decide to go ahead at least you know you are going in with eyes wide open that he will not be involved. I had the same issue with my son who's now 8. I knew the father would not be a good one and went into the pregnancy knowing I would be a single parent and it was OK. Don't let him dictate your decision it's a recipe for disaster. Good luck x

NWQM · 20/11/2019 08:55

Please give yourself a little time. Counselling will always start by helping you clarify the questions that you have first. That's normal.

I assume you were asked how you felt as you don't say much of that in your OP.

It's literally heartbreaking - it is hard to see how as a couple you can go forward together now I'm sure - so please be gentle with yourself.

Ilovethekitties · 20/11/2019 09:07

Your body, your choice OP. Make the decision for you! If you feel you can and you want to raise this baby alone then do it.

I recently had a similar conversation with my partner upon discovering our accidental pregnancy, he was ADAMANT that we should consider abortion and it's something I gave real thought to as I didn't want children until later in life (I wanted my first at 35). I am 100% pro choice, but as I had already had an abortion when I was 17 and remembered how my mental health suffered (as I was pressured into doing it by my parents - good choice now I look back!) I couldn't do it again.

I told my partner that I would not be terminating the pregnancy, I understood that he did not want children and he was free to leave our home if he wanted and I would buy him out of the property. He cried, we cried and guess what, he never left. Each day he slowly started to become more involved, asking questions and when we went to the 20 week scan his whole outlook changed. Currently 37 weeks and my partner is more excited than I am and has been here for me 100% of the way.

I know this is best case scenario and I dont want to give you any false hope BUT if you decide to keep the baby (which it sounds like you have thought about doing) then your options are you have and raise your child alone and you'll have a beautiful son or daughter and your partner leaves, or your partner perhaps steps up and helps raise the child he created.

Also, your partner sounds like he needs some counselling.

icannotremember · 20/11/2019 09:12

Your body, your choice. Don't have an abortion because someone else wants you to. Don't have a baby because someone else wants you to. Make the choice entirely based on your own wishes.

WorldEndingFire · 20/11/2019 09:19

As others have said, your body, your choice. You can get pregnancy and abortion counselling to weigh up what options are right for you via BPAS:

www.bpas.org/abortion-care/considering-abortion/advice-and-counselling/

From what you've said (offering to do it alone) it sounds like you want this pregnancy to continue. That is your choice and yours alone.

It sounds like this man needs counselling to deal with his childhood traumas but that should have no bearing on your future no matter which path you take.

Good luck.

pumpkinpie01 · 20/11/2019 09:26

You have got to be a 100% sure about an abortion and you really sound like you aren't. Do you really feel if you have an abortion the relationship will carry on just like before ? Most likely not.

cakeandchampagne · 20/11/2019 09:27

Your body, your choice.

Original poster
Frances19 · 21/11/2019 01:01

I feel it's my fault as I always looked after contraception and then when I went on antibiotics it didn't even occur to me that I would get pregnant until I started having symptoms and realised my period was late. He tells me he hates himself for not wanting it but he has to be true to himself, and he will do anything to make us work, but he wants us back to normal. I have it scheduled in for Friday morning.

He tells me he will get counselling for his issues once this is done and that one day we can try again when we are both ready, he just says it's too much pressure now.

In terms of being a single parent, being honest it's scary. I work with kids everyday so it's very hard in work at the moment as I'm surrounded by children and trying to switch off the instinct in my brain telling me to keep it. But yes I'll admit I am scared about losing my relationship and doing it alone

OP posts:
Wonderland18 · 21/11/2019 01:09

Do not abort your baby if it’s mainly in fear of losing him.
A friend I used to have aborted her baby because her boyfriend played the I’m not ready don’t do this to me card and split with her a month later. She was left broken mourning her child and her relationship.

If your heads saying keep it then keep it, I’m sure your heart won’t make the wrong choice. Good luck Flowers

plantainchips · 21/11/2019 01:11

If you want the baby, go ahead. Just do it fully knowing you would be a single parent. It’s hard but people do it.

If you’d rather have a baby and a family unit with a willing father or to not be a single mother then an abortion might be better

viques · 21/11/2019 01:49

You say you have booked an abortion for Friday. From what I have read in your posts you don't sound very sure of your decision. I know it will be hard but I think you need to give yourself another couple of weeks thinking time if you are wavering. I think it is your right to decide, and it needs to be your decision, but you must be sure either way.

If you do go ahead with the abortion then I hope you and your partner can take the opportunity to assess your position re contraception , if you both decide not to have children then it would make more sense for him to have a vasectomy rather than you having to subject your body to chemicals or coils.

viques · 21/11/2019 01:52

PS I made the last comment because I think his promise of counselling and possibly having a child in the future sounds like it could be a way of persuading you to do what he wants. I wonder if really he has no intention of ever changing his mind.

PixieDustt · 21/11/2019 01:53

He tells me he hates himself for not wanting it but he has to be true to himself, and he will do anything to make us work, but he wants us back to normal.

It is a lot about your DP and HIS feelings isn't it?
True to himself, how?
He wants 'normal' you really sound like you are unsure of the abortion but he has managed to talk you into to it...
Being a lone parent is hard and daunting but people do it.
Please take your own feelings into consideration and remember if you don't want the abortion YOU DON'T have to have it. It's okay to change your mind. It's okay to put your feelings first. Thanks

PixieDustt · 21/11/2019 01:55

I made the last comment because I think his promise of counselling and possibly having a child in the future sounds like it could be a way of persuading you to do what he wants. I wonder if really he has no intention of ever changing his mind.

This.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/11/2019 05:46

'He'll get counselling when this is done'

Erm no. He's saying that to get you to do what he wants.
The relationship will never get back to normal now.

It's not your fault. It takes two to tango.

Starlight456 · 21/11/2019 05:53

There have been quite a few posts saying the same thing lately.

I would advise as I have on the other threads.

Take him out the picture do you want this baby?

If yes you can find a way for it to work.

I seriously doubt even if you had an abortion you would recover because it is all about him .

You have CS aid you will do it alone . That isn’t good enough , he wants it his way .

He has not shown any care towards you .

As for counselling why has he not gone before . He will not have a baby with you in the future

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