My boyfriend wants me to have an abortion

[Frances19]

Hi,

I know this is a difficult one so I hope it's not a trigger for anyone. I have been in a relationship for two years and I've recently unexpectedly become pregnant. I was on medication that messed up the pill and didn't realise. We are both in our 30s but he had a bad childhood and doesn't have a good relationship with his family. He had previously said he didn't want children.

He is now asking me to have an abortion as he doesn't see a way forward if I have the baby. I have offered to raise the baby on my own and not involve him but he said that would break his heart and has begged me to have an abortion as he says he is not able to be a Dad. I went for counselling today but it just made my head unclear. I don't want to do this alone but it seems he's unable to be a father.

I hope you're ok OP.

I was pressured into having an abortion when I was 19. I regretted it for a long time but made my peace with it eventually. I'm not sure I'd feel the same in my 30s.

It sounds very much like your boyfriend is only thinking about himself and hasn't considered you in this at all. Unfortunately it will affect you more than him if you do go ahead with a termination. If you have any doubts I would suggest you talk to a counsellor about your options.

Do you have any real life support?

What a horrible situation ; made worse by the time pressure.
If you have the termination without really believing it is the best thing to do you will struggle to forgive your partner and compromise your relationship not to mention that you will have to grieve the loss of your potential child and maybe your chance to be a mother.please don't rush.
It is hard from an outsiders point of view to understand why your bf hasn't had a vasectomy if this issue was so crucial. All other methods of contraception are more fallible. At the very least he should have been using a condom to reduce the chance of a pregnancy. I realise it is an emotive issue for him but he can't really take no responsibility in this area and then blame you or indeed allow you to blame yourself.
Give yourself as much time and space as you can to make this decision.

If he was so serious about never having children, he would had the snip. He would taken contraception into his own hands.

Do not allow this man to pressure you into an abortion. You are in your 30s, I would not be taking this lightly. It is scary but you can parent on your own, million of women do it all over the world.

@Frances19
You realise he's just stringing you along about trying in the future don't you?! They all say that so you'll deal with the issue now

If you stay with him then you'll need to accept never having children. No man is worth willingly giving that up for (obviously if they can't have kids for medical issues thats different)

You'll wake up in 10 or 20 years when it's too late to have kids and when he's old and the physical attraction has waned or maybe your relationship fails for another reason - you grow apart or infidelity and you'll realise you sacrificed far more for him than he was ever prepared to do for you

OP I would say never make a decision on a pregnancy based on whether the man is saying it'll end the relationship if you go ahead. Time after time in these situations a few months later the relationship ends anyway, for issues not related as well as potential emotional fallout from an abortion.

If he doesn't want kids until his issues re his childhood are resolved that may never happen anyway?

It's your choice. It was an accident and these things happen.

Dump him and keep the baby. You most likely will not regret your child, you may regret terminating the pregnancy especially if your relationship breaks down regardless. I personally think the relationship is usually doomed in this circumstance. You will resent him if you terminate, he will resent you if you keep it. There are no real winners, you just need to consider whether you can deal with being a single parent.

By the sounds of it, he would want to be a part of the baby’s life so you have to consider whether you want a lifelong tie to him as well.

You're in your thirties. If you ever want to have children then don't wait and keep this one. And he will never want them and he sounds manipulative so maybe rethink this relationship.

He tells me he will get counselling for his issues once this is done and that one day we can try again when we are both ready,

If he genuinly felt that he needed counselling for his issues he wouldn't wait till you do whatever. They are his issues and he needs to seek help and it has nothing to do with you. Can you see how manipulative he is? He doesn't care if an abortion hurts you, he doesn't care if it might traumatise you. This relationship has no future.

Thanks for the comments everyone, they are hard to read as you can imagine. I feel very under pressure as you can imagine. I'm in Ireland where the time scale for abortion is much shorter so I only actually have a few more days to decide. I have been for counselling which didn't really help if I'm honest. Finance wise I would probably struggle as a single parent if I'm honest but I do have good friends and family around me. No one else knows about this apart from him, he asked me to keep it private between us

What are you going to do OP?
It sounds like a tough situation.
If you do decide to keep the baby, it won't be easy but you will make it work for yourself and the little one.

He's been away with work for the past few weeks and will be home early tomorrow morning (he's coming home early for my appointment). I'm hoping when he see each other face to face things will be clearer, but I can't imagine him changing his mind.

He says it's selfish of me to have a baby when he doesn't want it as he won't be involved and will be out there in the world knowing he has a child and it will break his heart. I am realising how manipulative that sounds

He's future faking you to get what he wants. HE is the one who is selfish. Break his heart, my fucking arse. Frances, this man is as tired as time with his script about his heart break, you are selfish, can't do this - this is all very classic bullying tactic to make YOU have a termination you do NOT want.

NO. You can tell him NO right now. You do not owe him face-to-face or to allow yourself to be alone with him to be coerced. You do not have to go to the appointment.

This is YOUR body, your choice and your pregnancy and you don't want to terminate.

Do you have some place you can go? People like this are highly manipulative, coercive but they have to be given opportunity to do so and literally chisel away at their target.

You can tell him NO, there will be NO termination. I'll go it alone. It is not selfish. I don't have to listen to you put me down by message or text.

Men like this truly fuck me off because if you read the pregnancy/choices board (and please do, there are actually a couple of threads active right now from others in the same boat) you will see men like him are a dime a dozen.

This relationship will die sooner rather than later if you abort and try to “return to normal”.

Imagine how you would feel if you aborted this baby;
And never got pregnant again,
if you manage stay together but he actually never ever wants kids,
if you reach your late 30’s and realise he never had any intention of it and you have to leave and start again,
If you left it late and didn’t find some who wants kids with you until you are too old?

How would you feel? These aren’t scare stories, they’re reality for some women.

Take him out of the equation, you can’t rely on him to do anything (neither condoms nor counselling).
What do you want in life?

Oh, yes, that's the other thing about men like him, Frances, once he gets what he wants and you terminate, he will expect you to completely forget about it, as if it never happened (because of course, it didn't to him) and any emotion you express about it will be met with stropiness and resentment.

Plenty of people go it alone because the other parent is a dick who refuses responsibility. It's not selfish at all.

Don't have an abortion you do not want or be talked into one by a dick head like this.

I have been where you are now. I had the abortion even though I wasn’t sure. I did it because he wanted me to. If he’d been overjoyed at the fact I was pregnant, I’d have been overjoyed too and kept the baby. I WISH ID THOUGHT ABOUT THAT MORE as that would have given me my true answer. He kept telling me he just wanted us to be as we were before, how much better it would be, how we’d have babies together one day in the future etc etc. Well, I had the termination and surprise surprise, it was never like it had been before. He carried on all relieved whereas my mental health which had never been a problem, started to deteriorate as I couldn’t move on. I also came to resent the man I’d loved. Anger that he’d effectively forced me to abort my baby (not being emotive, just how I felt). We split up 1yr later. This was 20yrs ago and I still struggle when I think about it.

Just to be clear, for some women an abortion is absolutely the right decision. But it has to be her decision and it’s got to be because she doesn’t want to be pregnant. Doing it to please someone else is never ever going to work out.

So ask yourself, would you be considering an abortion if his reaction had be joyous? Would that have made you joyous about the pregnancy? If so, then you have your answer.

Contraception is not just your responsibility therefore it’s not your “fault” that you became pregnant.

If you have an urge to me a mother why have you stayed with someone for 3 years who doesn’t want to be a father? Had you hoped he would change his mind one day?

He’s always been very honest about where he stands so it wouldn’t be very fair of you to force fatherhood on him. You say you’re happy to do this on your own but that’s not in the best interests of the child. Imagine growing up with a father that doesn’t want you. Also, he will be legally bound to support a baby that he didn’t want which isn’t fair.

If you’re so desperate to have kids then leave this man and find a partner who shares your desire for a family. Wait until you are with someone who wants kids before you bring one into the world.

You sound very passive in this.

Do think about what you want . I believe he is coming with you to ensure you do what he wants.

Do not do anything you are not sure of . This is not a decision that can be reversed and I think much harder to get over if it’s not what you want.

user1480880826

Some mixed messages for the OP there. Get down off the fence before you get splinters in your bum.

OP, you have some hard choices to make. I wish you well.

FFS, no one forced fatherhood on this guy! He didn't want kids he should have had the snip or used a condom every single time. Honest my fucking arse! 'I never want children' but now he's switched to 'we'll have them later after you do what I want'.

You don't want the termination, OP, so don't have one.

Your body, your choice.

It sounds like you're being forced into an abortion that deep down you don't want.

There is no guarantee you'll get pregnant again when the time is right for him - nothing in life is guaranteed really.

Don't do something you could regret forever.

No one else knows about this apart from him, he asked me to keep it private between us

Because he wants to influence you into an abortion. If he wanted whatever is best for you he would want you to speak to your parents and friends. Please, please stop listening to him. Go away for a week if you have to but you really need to decide for yourself. It sounds like you are aborting your child for him and that is the wrong decision. It is only right to abort if that is what YOU want to do. He is trying in every way to stop you from discovering what you want. It's not all anout his baby and his fatherhood and hus issues, it is your baby and your motherhood that you need to be thinking of.

Reading your posts OP, I feel like you care more about how he's feeling than how you're feeling.

Please do not abort your baby, because I feel like you'll likely regret it.

I was a single mum with my son. It's not the end of the world and I have a good support system. Which is important.
Expecting DD with DP who truthfully isn't fully prepared but we are still having her.

You need to really think about how YOU feel. Baby's are a blessing, and I can tell you now you will never regret having your baby regardless of the situation.

I've just read your most recent post on this OP, and I can tell you he is trying to guilt-trip you into having an abortion.

No one else knows about this apart from him, he asked me to keep it private between us

Because he wants to isolate you from any support to which he is not privy. This is controlling and coercive behaviour. He doesn't get to tell you what to do with your body.