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Pregnancy

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Original poster

Taking DH to first midwife appointment?

81 replies

tacosplease · 13/09/2019 07:59

I have my first appointment with the midwife booked at my local doctors’ surgery the week after next, by which time, all being well I’ll be eight weeks pregnant.

DH is really excited about everything and has asked if he can come with me - but is this normal or should I be attending on my own?

Also, does anyone know what I can expect in general from the first meeting with the midwife?

Thanks!

OP posts:

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SamStephens · 13/09/2019 08:05

My DH attended my first midwife appointment, it was good as we both didn’t know what to expect and helped him feel part of the whole process.

If I recall correctly a lot of it is your family history - so again good to have DH there if you’re not familiar with his family history. Things like smoking, drinking, medical conditions, etc.

If he’s keen take him along.

joblotbubble · 13/09/2019 08:08

Some do, some don't. Either way is fine. Mine never did because he was always working and it didn't justify a days leave.

melissa1215 · 13/09/2019 08:09

My DH came with me but there wasn't much need for him there, they didn't ask him anything and I would've been fine by myself (but was nice to have him there)

Tractorgirlz · 13/09/2019 08:14

The first one would be fine but after that the midwife tends to ask if there is any domestic abuse or anything you want to discuss. Obviously they can’t ask you that if your DH is there every time. I assume it’s just something they have to ask you.

Tableclothing · 13/09/2019 08:16

Totally fine to take DH. They will make you go and do a urine sample and briefly follow you and ask if he hits you, but that is completely normal.

Different trusts do things differently. This is what happened at mine:

Basically it's a risk assessment appointment - so they will take a medical history and ask lots of lifestyle questions (is this your first pregnancy? Are you employed? Does your partner have children? Are they employed? do you smoke? Have you ever smoked?.... ) They weighed me and calculated BMI.

I was also asked to say which hospital I wanted to give birth at (was a bit at this because I didn't even know what hospitals were available to me....) so you might want to look for the CQC reports on the maternity departments before you go (although you can change your mind later if you want).

Expect to be given leaflets.

My booking in midwife spoke so fast that I couldn't understand what she was saying, half the time.

She'll ask about some tests /screenings you may or may not want done. Eg they do bloods, do you want screened for chlamydia/syphilis at the same time? Do you want the combined test for trisomies doing? Would you consent to blood transfusion if required later?

Midwife also told (blameless) DH in no uncertain terms that it is very important to be nice to pregnant women and to feed them lots of carbs We were then given strict instructions to go for a cup of tea and a cake, so we did.

joblotbubble · 13/09/2019 08:18

I have never been asked about domestic abuse!

I often read on here that the midwife always asks about this but through 5 pregnancies I have never been asked.

EscapeTheOrdinary · 13/09/2019 08:18

My dh has attended most midwife appointments with me including the first as his shifts meant he was off. They took blood, tested urine, asked questions on family history and gave me my notes. They are exactly what you expect at a medical check up but I appreciated dh being with me as I struggle to give blood. It’s not essential to have dh thee but I would say if his off, you don’t mind him being there and his enthusiastic take him along but I wouldn’t book any appointments off except the scans

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 08:22

@joblotbubble the midwife only asked me when DP wasn't there and HV asked when he went upstairs to change baby's nappy.

OP it's completely ok for him to be with you or you to go alone. Do whatever makes you both happy.

DameSylvieKrin · 13/09/2019 08:22

Some people on here are sniffy about it but there’s no reason why not and for the first baby it’s nice to share the excitement and have coffee (and more importantly, cake) afterwards. If you have a second, he‘ll be with the toddler so you can’t do it then.
He can always ask the midwife if she would like him to step out before the end of the appointment in cases there’s something she wants to ask you on your own.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 13/09/2019 08:26

I’ve never brought DH to anything but scans and antenatal classes with dc1.

The first appointment is fine for you as you’re the one being asked questions etc, but I’d imagine it would be very dull for a partner.

My first appointment with dc2 was immediately after the first scan and they preferred that DH stayed in the waiting room. I’m guessing they feel most women are more open and honest when it’s just them and the mw, and they did ask about domestic violence. That took 40 minutes, so it would have been a total waste of time for DH to get out of work to sit in a waiting room for three quarters of an hour.

OfDragonsDeep · 13/09/2019 08:28

Take him, it’s nice for men to experience something ‘real’ at this stage in the pregnancy. It’s lovely that he’s keen to come. Hope it all goes well for you.

PotteringAlong · 13/09/2019 08:30

DH went to my booking in appointment for DC1 but didn’t bother with the other 2!

Youvegotafriendinme · 13/09/2019 08:34

My first pregnancy, my appointment was in my doctors surgeryand my husband came with me and I was glad to have him their for support and he was glad to be there to feel apart of everything more. No domestic abuse was mentioned at all. When I did my urine test I went to the bathroom myself and no one followed me.

My second pregnancy my appointment was in the hospital and my letter stated that I was to come alone and my partner would not be allowed in the room.

I didn’t move between the 2 and nothing for me changed so was obviously procedures within the trust.

Your appointment will be lots of family history questions, any previous pregnancies, Wright and height as well as urine and possibly blood tests. They last about 45/1 hr

icannotremember · 13/09/2019 08:34

DH came to booking in with our first, but not with the subsequent DC. In fact other than the scans I don't think he came to any of my antenatal appointments with ds3. Both bringing them and not is normal and fine.

Monkeymilkshake · 13/09/2019 08:37

DH came with me for first app. Was quite handy as the MW asked questions about our medical background.
For the following apps i went by myself as it was just for the standard 20mins check up.
Totally normal to take DH if he's excited and wants to be part of it all

DameSylvieKrin · 13/09/2019 08:53

It’s sad that it’s considered ‚dull for a partner‘ who is the equal parent of the baby.
I‘ve been the non-pregnant partner and the pregnant one with the second child and was interested both times.

satsumasaturday · 13/09/2019 09:41

My first was in the evening so I took DH along, didn't feel odd for him to be there and you get asked a lot of questions and have a lot of questions so it was handy for him to be there to help remember stuff. It was much longer than I thought and you get a lot of information. The midwife offered us tea at the beginning and we said no, 45 minutes in and not seeing the end in sight I really regretted that!

She said that one of the appointments they ask that you are alone (I guess so they can check DH isn't abusive) but equally she said that they like to meet the father at at least one appointment too. My next is middle of the day so glad he came to the evening as he didn't need time off. If he wants to go then definitely get him involved! 😊

Frizzy1986 · 13/09/2019 11:03

Dh has only been to the scans for mine. I'm sure if he had been off for the first booking appointment he may have wanted to come, but to be honest I probably would have advised him against it and recommend that he go to a later appointment ie 25 weeks where you hear the heartbeat.

My booking was with the community midwives at a local children's centre. It lasted almost 2 hours and was a paperwork exercise. I'd filled out as much of the info in my forms as I could (they get posted out with the appointment details)
Then we just went through everything. Medical history, partners medical history, family history, mental health issues, contact numbers for various support, urine sample, prior pregnancies and births, scan options, testing options, bloods.

My dh would've found it hell on earth and beyond boring which is why I'd have tried to encourage him not to attend, but yours might find it nice being involved and going through all the paperwork as it really depends on what they are like.

user1493413286 · 13/09/2019 11:04

My DH came the first time as he wanted to be part of it all; he didn’t say much as all the questions were for me but for him he appreciated it.

MyDcAreMarvel · 13/09/2019 11:07

They will make you go and do a urine sample and briefly follow you and ask if he hits you, but that is completely normal.
In seven pregnancies I have never been asked if my dh has hit me.

AmIThough · 13/09/2019 11:22

@MyDcAreMarvel they've been a bit more diplomatic with me and asked if there's been any history of DV

McHelenz · 13/09/2019 11:43

Mine comes to all appointments because he can and wants to. It's nice he wants to be so involved, even when it's boring for him.

PotteringAlong · 13/09/2019 13:28

I have had the DV question in all 3 of my pregnancies. Also, when DH was there for the first booking in appointment, he left for a bit (it was at home) and they asked again about previous pregnancies in case there was an abortion I hadn’t told him about.

Original poster

tacosplease · 13/09/2019 13:38

Thanks for all the replies. I will let DH know he can come along!

OP posts:

Tableclothing · 13/09/2019 13:45

In seven pregnancies I have never been asked if my dh has hit me.

Tbf, my midwife probably didn't phrase it exactly like that, but that is what she was getting at. Having seen your answer though, I wondered if it was just my midwife, just my NHS Trust, or what. I've just had a look at the NICE guidelines re: domestic abuse. Anyone presenting with any indicators of potential DA should be (sensitively) asked. The NICE list of indicators is quite broad, see here : www.nice.org.uk/guidance/qs116/chapter/Quality-statement-1-Asking-about-domestic-violence-and-abuse

I had been under the impression that everyone was supposed to be asked* - clearly I was mistaken, but I think the majority of people probably meet one of the criteria. And I could understand a midwife wanting to err on the side of caution.

*I work in a bit of the NHS that deals with a fairly vulnerable client group, and we have to ask every person we see, every time we meet them, if they're safe. So the DA question did not seem unexpected to me.

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