How to say no to second hand baby things?

[FeeFee832]

Exactly that...

My SIL is a lovely woman but she keeps trying to give me all her babies second and third hand me downs that her SILs and friends have given her. Everything from maternity clothes (size 14-16) - I'm an 8, 10 at an absolute push, to breast pumps!

I really don't know how to say no and she is quite pushy with it. I even bought a new Breast Pump, with all the bottles and she told me to take it back and use hers.

I'm sure I'm just overthinking it but I don't want to hurt her feelings... I don't want these things. I've managed to dodge taking anything so far but it's becoming uncomfortable now. I don't want to take things just for the sake of keeping her happy...
I know so many people are going to call me selfish and ungrateful now! But I just don't want these things that don't fit or have been used by her, her friends and back again.

You may not even use a breast pump and bottles so your SIL has a point. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot just because you don’t like her.

I think I’d just accept them gratefully, store them and then offer them back in a few months when you’re ‘finished’ with them.

What's your reason for declining everything? The clothes I get, as they won't fit, but other bits you might need and it'll save you money (and needless waste ending up in a landfill)

I felt like this but changed my mind a bit after we had the baby as it was so useful to have stuff there that I didn't have to research and buy.

You can be firm with her on the clothes - just tell her the size is wrong. With other stuff, try and ascertain whether she wants it back or not. Mine didn't so I thanked her gratefully, took it and put anything I didn't want on Freecycle. If she does want it back I'd take it and hang on to it until either you give it back unused or suddenly find you do actually need it.

I wouldn’t either tbh. Clothes are one thing but breast pump... no thanks. Everyone is ok to have their own ideas! if it’s your first dc then a lot of people would probably like new stuff ... as long as you can afford it. With the maternity clothes if they won’t fit then just say that, but with baby clothes I’d take them, put in a cupboard and chill. Sil is trying to be helpful..and is probably excited for you. i wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings tbh and I’d pick my fights. You’ll probably get loads of clothes bought when baby arrives so will have a reason the donated clothes weren’t worn!

If the clothes aren't your size then just give them back and say so. I don't see why you would buy a new breast pump if you've been given one already though. Where should baby things go if they still have plenty of life left in them? I would take them to save money and save them from going to landfill, then pass them on to someone else when you're done.

I had lots of things passed to me and some of it was really tatty stuff and I was annoyed at the time. I just shoved it all up in the loft because I couldn’t bring myself to say no and I don’t like conflict. Actually, I was grateful for most of it. Any clean and dry baby grow will do at 3am when the rest have been puked and pooped on. Reluctant to buy more because they’re in them for five minutes. The very worn toddler clothes have been perfect for nursery where they just get lost/ruined.

I was given second hand socks and knickers which I felt a weird about. I got over it with the socks - they’re nursery socks and we seem to loose a pair a week - would be annoyed if I’d bought them. Not sure about second hand knickers yet, my DD is still in nappies. They’ll be good for toilet training/accidents and I won’t mind throwing them away. But still not sure about second hand knickers, feels a bit eww and they’re cheap enough to buy new (and possibly part of the process of toilet training for DD to choose some)

Same as WindsweptEgret

@FenellaMaxwell don't like her? I love my SIL... why on earth would you say that I didn't like her?

I don't like her things. Not her!

It's my first baby and I want everything new because we plan to have 2 or 3 babies. We don't struggle for money (ready for the onslaught after saying that) and I just want everything new and fresh. I bought everything months ago... my parents have been so generous and have bought us loads from a new pram, car seat, and full silver cross nursery furniture set. So all I had to do was buy the 'bits' which I really enjoyed... I don't want all the second hand stuff (which has done the rounds!). Nothing fits and we don't know what we are having. I don't want second hand breast pumps, a broken baby monitor that bleeps because the temperature is wrong or a second hand car seat! I don't need them and wish she would give them to someone who does. I feel like she is just dumping her stuff on me and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I want a polite way of saying no...

She also does want everything back! So I feel like I'm storing it for her.

@WindsweptEgret she's already lent the breast pump to two friends. I don't want to use one that's done the rounds when I can buy a brand new one and use for years... and then donate to someone.

"Thanks for thinking of us but we already have (a car seat) but I heard the local women's shelter/ charity shop/ neonatal unit are looking for donations if baby stuff so you could try taking it there"

@BeanBag7 thank you! I have tried that but she gets pushy and insists I take my things back. Maternity clothes are so awkward because she is so much bigger and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I'm totally overthinking it but I really love my SIL and don't want to hurt her. I just want to be a bit more forceful and shut this down without having bags dumped on me of broken things or things that don't fit... that she has passed around over and over. She definitely wants these things back!
Plus I read you should replace your breast pump every 12-18 months.

is there anything you wouldn't mind second hand? maybe tell her you are sorted for x y and z but you could really use a ..... if she has one. maybe something like a bouncer chair or door bouncer or jumperoo that gets v little use but is expensive!

get used to saying no and asserting yourself when it comes to your baby, people like to try and make decisions for you or think they know best!

I’ve never really understood wanting everything new, though I know lots of people are like this - it’s so wasteful when most things are only used for a short time. We don’t struggle for money but I bought second hand cots (new mattresses) and lots of well-cared-for clothes second hand. There are some things you don’t want second-hand - car seat being one because of safety. Also if people are offering you clothes in wrong sizes that haven’t been looked after very well. But you just need to say “no thank you” here if that is your choice

Just say you’ve already bought it all, thanks though!

I’ll echo PP though, you should take the breast pump - if you end up using it you can always go and buy a different one if you want to. I spent over £100 on a breast pump with my first, who I breast fed for 3 days. I’m still feeding my daughter at 10 months, hate pumping so have only used the pump on the two overnights I haven’t had her just to relieve the discomfort.

I get wanting new Prams, clothes etc, especially if you want more children, but a breast pump is hardly a nice new thing to buy, and it really is a waste because you’re so unlikely to actually use it much.

Just read your update, there is no reason to replace a breast pump every 18 months

Honestly, once you have a baby you will be grateful for second hand bits. I remember passing on some rather tatty muslins my friend tried to lend me - oh how I wish I'd taken them now!

And I borrowed my friend's breast pump - they're very expensive and you might not use it. I only used hers twice as I switched to mainly formula at three weeks (not my intention at all).

Definitely ask her for the stuff that doesn't get used for long - jumperoo, bouncer, plastic toys baby will get bored with quickly.

You can replace the removable parts of a breast pump (the flanges, bottle and tubing) - any bit that actually contacts the breast or milk. Maybe these are the bits that should be replaced every 18 months and obviously between users.
I borrowed a medela swing from an acquaintance and replaced everything except the pump and mains plug for about £15 so it was basically brand new.

It’s just the tubing and nipple covers that need to be replaced/new for each user. The bits you have to clean and sterilise. The actual pump itself...the motor does not need to be replaced unless it breaks and cannot be repaired.

I understand you have everything already and I would tell her that. I would say, something like “hey I’ve looked through everything and unfortunately for me, Ive already been given these items at my baby showers and by the grandparents as gifts!” Then give them back with a thank you note for being so generous and thoughtful.

Sounds like you have everything so I would be inclined to be honest-ish. I would text and say 'I just wanted to send a note to thank you for the offer of the loan of your baby stuff. I have had a look now through everything I have got and I think I'm completely sorted but will let you know if I'm missing anything. I've probably gone a bit mad with buying stuff but I'm so excited and parents have helped me get a load of stuff too - exciting! It's so so kind of you to offer to loan to me but I've just really enjoyed buying and choosing my own stuff - any excuse to go shopping lol'
Good luck!! I had a friend doing similar to me and I wanted new stuff too so I 100% know how you are feeling!!

Just tell her what you've told us. You appreciate everything she's offering but as it's your first baby part of the experience is buying everything you want.

Also explain that you want more children and want to use the things you buy for all of them.

Don't feel bad.

Clothes you say you can't take back as you e taken the tags off or washed.
Other stuff again not in new resaleable condition or were gifts.

If you don't want to say now that you only want new then this is going to carry on forever.

I used to be a bit like this because...well it’s your first time as a mum and you want to experience it all yourself!

I’m a wimp and would probably take the stuff and then buy my own if I really didn’t want it 😂 I did do this with a travel cot my SIL gave me!

After having a baby I relaxed a lot more though and now share a lot of my stuff with other mums, we all swap and share, it’s weird but my attitude just changed. I appreciate second hand stuff now! Ive also got a friend who had her babies about 7 months ahead of me so we share maternity clothes and even nursing bras! She is a very good friend though and we are the same size. We both bought things equally and just didn’t see the point in not sharing it as we were never using them at the same time.