How to say no to second hand baby things?

[FeeFee832]

Exactly that...

My SIL is a lovely woman but she keeps trying to give me all her babies second and third hand me downs that her SILs and friends have given her. Everything from maternity clothes (size 14-16) - I'm an 8, 10 at an absolute push, to breast pumps!

I really don't know how to say no and she is quite pushy with it. I even bought a new Breast Pump, with all the bottles and she told me to take it back and use hers.

I'm sure I'm just overthinking it but I don't want to hurt her feelings... I don't want these things. I've managed to dodge taking anything so far but it's becoming uncomfortable now. I don't want to take things just for the sake of keeping her happy...
I know so many people are going to call me selfish and ungrateful now! But I just don't want these things that don't fit or have been used by her, her friends and back again.

If she wants everything back just say you don't want to be responsible for it! What on earth is wrong with wanting everything new for a first baby??

A quick note on breast pumps op...I know everyone passes them round but it really does depend on whether they are a ‘closed’ or ‘open’ system. A closed system, which what hospital grade pumps are just needs new/sterilised tubes, shields etc. An open system isn’t sterile, even if you replace parts. I had no idea about this until recently but read a report on Which about it. It helped me make the call to buy a new breast pump. A quick google will tell you which makes fall into which category.

FWIW to pp’s talking about waste, this is baby #2 and pretty much everything else is secondhand so it’s not about newness for me, but like I’d wish to use sterile bottles if bottle feeding i’d rather not pump with an unsterile machine and mingle others bodily fluid with a newborn.

As for the rest of it, just say no thanks, we’ve got it sorted.

@boomboom1234 this is excellent advice and defo the way forward. Thank you!

She's such a lovely SIL, I don't want to hurt her feelings.

@Babdoc very true... I could definitely do with some assertiveness training. My husband always says this is my downfall!

I want a polite way of saying no...

You just need to keep saying “It’s so kind of you to offer, but I’ve got everything we need - I’ve been enjoying buying things new. I know we’re lucky to have so many options. So thank you but we’re all sorted.”

And repeat.

If she says “you can take X back” then you can say “I’d just rather have the one I picked than save the money right now - I know that’s not everyone’s choice but I’m lucky enough to be able to not worry too much. Thanks, though, it’s really kind of you to offer.”

And repeat.

OP, it's a rite of passage when you have a child. You buy a load of shite brand new that you don't need and will never use with your first. Then you will spend the next few years trying to palm it off onto everyone you know who is having kids.

I think after you have more than one, and everything is old and puked and shat on by the time have them you don't care so much.

If she keeps pushing after you've explained you don't want/need it, just keep repeating "No thanks, I don't want it".

If she's thick-skinned/socially awkward enough to keep trying to force stuff on to you that you've clearly said you don't want, you're just going to have to be blunt with her!

I have tried that but she gets pushy and insists I take my things back
"No thanks, I'm happy with the one we've bought"
"No thanks, I don't want second hand"

Or just be completely upfront with her and say "Please stop trying to give me your things after I've said no. I know you are only being kind but it is making me feel uncomfortable"

What on earth is wrong with wanting everything new for a first baby??
The baby's new, the rest is just stuff. There's no need to buy new if there are suitable second hand things available to you. Think of the planet.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting new things especially, but having a blanket rule for EVERYTHING new seems a bit daft to me. Like all things with a new baby, being flexible helps, plus it is hard to know what will work for you and your baby in advance, so trying things out before you buy can really help otherwise you risk having a home full of things that you never use

It is a bit precious to refuse perfectly serviceable equipment BUT there are quite a few electric models (including the Medela Swing mentioned upthread) which have open systems and cannot therefore be fully sterilised between users, even if you replace the tubing etc. Only manual pumps and electric pumps with a ‘closed’ system should be passed on to multiple users.

If she wants the things back. Why not say you don't want the responsibility of taking care of someone else's things if it's on loan. I can understand how you feel, but I wouldn't turn my nose up at everything as something's come in handy and you can even try before you buy like the breat pump. I had 3 different breast pumps before I found the one that worked well for me. Very expensive I would of bit someone's hand off to try theirs first before buying. It can be washed and sterilised so it's not going to have their germs on it if you don't like her breast pump you can say it doesn't work for you. You could just take the clothes and try them on and tell her the truth they don't fit sorry but thanks.

Can you just make a big joke out of it being your PFB and you being one of those mothers who wants everything new. Sorry to be such a saddo or is that too embarrassing?

It's nice she wants to feel useful but I can understand it's putting you in a difficult position. Could you say something like 'I think we're all sorted for baby stuff now but I'm really glad I'll be able to call on your experience when the time comes!' she'll be able to feel like she's able to be useful without you having to take stuff you don't want

Omg I need to know how to say no too!
I've had 3 other babies so I have plenty of my own stuff, I don't need or want more.

So hard to say thanks but no thanks.

I was the same I didn't want any thing second hand as I planned on buying new hen handing down to my own children because I want more than one
A few people did try to give me things but o just explained that as a new mum I was enjoying buying and researching things for myself
If they wan to help someone out there are plenty of charity stores they can donate to or pit things on websites to give away free or sell to less fortunate mums to be that would be grateful

Sorry for the typos I really should of checked before I posted lol

What blackcat said. Why not be honest? Make a joke out if it to relieve tension, let her laugh (both at the fact you are admitting to being precious and at the PFB thing) and then you can both laugh together later when you realise that good quality second hand baby clothes are actually softer, and super useful when you have to change them for the seventh time in three hours
I used to run a thrift store that was over-run by yummy mummies who had no need to save money at all. Reducing waste and building bonds with community is way classier than having a blanket consumerist rule for no reason other than pride.
I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming once the pfb is done with, that you’ll realise you were being a bit OTT.
Of course it’s fine to have some lovely new things for a baby. It’s also fine to realise how very wasteful that is, and how lovely it is to see other babies wearing something yours did, even lovelier to see it on multiple babies in turn, and brilliant to receive it back again for another of yours to wear.
I still see some of the outfits that mine wore, and when I ask, we can often trace the loans back through several friends. (Sometimes this is stuff I bought new, but not always - some of my favourite things that went through all three of mine with loans in between were given to me second-hand).
Babies are lovely, but they aren’t dolls. They are going to grow up as part of a community. It’s lovely to see parents embracing that community by sharing clothing that is used for such a short period of time. It isn’t about the money at all - it’s about mutual support and connection and understanding that building family happens outside your house walls as well as within them.

@ornery

There is alot of wasteful clothing when it comes to babies it's usually bought from grandparents that buy stupid doll like clothes for the babies
Then u feel like u have to put the babies in them otherwise the GP just get upset

I didn't want any second hand stuff because I didn't want to dress my kid up like alot of parents do i was happy to keep them in sleep suits for the first 6 months only time they wore dresses was when I had to take a photo for whoever had bought it for them
Now that's wasteful
Also her sil wants it back but she's planning more children so why not have her own stuff that she has picked ?
I washed all my babies clothes before she wore them so they were lovely and soft

I also got given a lovely blanket that was handmade by a family Member it really was lovely! But I felt I couldn't use it as everyone kept saying about passing it down and keeping it in the family! I thought ok so my child is bf and has very runny poos that can be of the bright variety and this is a handwash only blanket ! Ok I will put it in the attic and never use it apart form of course the one photo for the family lol

I’d be the same op. I would just say it’s so generous of you but we have bought most things and are really enjoying buying everything we need. Thank you anyway

Since you plan on also donating, the best way to figure out how to say no without offending your SIL is what would you like to hear if she or anyone else declines your used donation.

I do understand OP. First baby you just want everything new. It’s a tough one I’d be inclined to just say I’ve already got so much ready but I’ll let you know if we need anything

If you want new stuff is your choice. Just cos other people don't want, or can't afford to, they shouldn't moralise.

I have bought most stuff new when it comes to clothes apart from a pile of new born stuff. My trouble is i hate baby pinks and blues and unfortunately all the second head stuff is just this generic baby stuff.

Anyway, i think the sil is being very kind but a little rude to suggest you just take stuff back. I would never dream of doing that. I'd offer but never insist.

Maybe you could agree to a few things but at no to the rest. And just be firm!

@FeeFee832 hi I totally understand your situation. I'm a first time mum and my SIL has tried to pass on everything to me which she got second hand for her baby.

I told her that as a first time mum a lot of the fun and excitement came from selecting and buying things myself for my baby as I'd always dreamed of this. I also reminded her that it was my parents first grandchild and they also got a lot of joy from buying gifts. All of this is the truth. Having your first child is a family experience and we wanted to share the getting ready for baby experience which involved choosing simple things like what bottles we wanted to use and trying out different prams. She gracefully accepted that her hand me downs took away from that. It didn't mean I didn't want anything of hers. She has a diaper disposal bin i had wanted and planned to buy and she offered me hers and I gladly took it. It's the choice of what you want that is being taken away from you.

Now I realise that for a lot of people buying new seems silly if someone else can give it to you for free but if money isn't an issue no one should be made to feel bad for wanting new things, especially if they plan on using it for future children. There are mothers out there who will benefit from all these things more than OP and she shouldn't feel bad about that.

It occurs to me that the whole “browsing and selecting and buying” thing is not something that brings me pleasure in itself or something I had looked forward to as part of being pregnant. I did research and then waited for the particular thing I liked to become available on local facebook selling, or if not I bought new, but even better if someone else had taken the decision before me. I had bloody decision fatigue by the end of it. I was happy to feel “ready” for the baby’s arrival (as much as you can be) in terms of having the essentials. But choosing and shopping in itself does not give me much pleasure. I do get that if you enjoy it then you would see hand-me-downs as someone “taking the joy out of it”. For me in many cases it was ticking things off my list so it was useful. I do a lot of knitting and sewing clothes so I did spend lots of time choosing lovely patterns, fabrics and wools and making things for my baby

She is clearly trying to help out because she has had children already so knows how it goes. Everyone wants to buy new and often pointless shit for their first, trouble is a lot of it doesn’t get used or is only used very briefly so it’s a waste. It’s sometimes worthwhile to use the second hand stuff and save yourself a few bucks.

Obviously you can’t wear maternity clothes that are three sizes too big though so just be honest and say they’re not your size.