How to say no to second hand baby things?

[FeeFee832]

Exactly that...

My SIL is a lovely woman but she keeps trying to give me all her babies second and third hand me downs that her SILs and friends have given her. Everything from maternity clothes (size 14-16) - I'm an 8, 10 at an absolute push, to breast pumps!

I really don't know how to say no and she is quite pushy with it. I even bought a new Breast Pump, with all the bottles and she told me to take it back and use hers.

I'm sure I'm just overthinking it but I don't want to hurt her feelings... I don't want these things. I've managed to dodge taking anything so far but it's becoming uncomfortable now. I don't want to take things just for the sake of keeping her happy...
I know so many people are going to call me selfish and ungrateful now! But I just don't want these things that don't fit or have been used by her, her friends and back again.

OP, you are obviously a very kind, sweet soul and don’t want to hurt SIL’s feelings, but I think you need some assertiveness training!
Simply state, calmly and firmly that you prefer to have all new stuff, thank her for the offer, and suggest she offers it to the charity shop or advertises it locally.
If she persists, she is being rude and pushy. You need to stick firmly but politely to your original statement.
“SIL, I’ve already said I prefer new. I’m not going to change my mind. Would you like another cup of tea/isn’t this lovely weather/what are you doing this weekend...”
She will give up eventually as long as you don’t waver and give mixed messages out of embarrassment or politeness.

Op didn't ask for advice on second hand items. She doesn't want them. She's allowed to purchase her own items. Someone at some point had to buy things new.

Honestly I'd just say I really have no need, but thanks anyway, maybe just save them for your next one.

You need to be honest with her. She won't stop at baby items. She will be passing on things for years! It will be difficult to keep telling her no but she will eventually get the message. I think it's rude of her to tell you to take things back. It should be enough when you tell her thank you but I've already got one of those.

Just keep saying no and either don't take anything or if you already have give it back. Once you've told her thanks but no thanks she's the rude one trying to foist things on you. If she keeps on trying to give you stuff you might want to try, 'sorry SIL we really don't have the space to store all your baby stuff for you'

Think of it as an opportunity to practise being assertive for all the unwanted 'advice' you'll get once the baby's born :-)

I'd tell her she's taking all the fun and excitement out of having a baby, for you. That you want the fun of going shopping for baby things, getting them already used isn't the same thing.

As PP said, if you're not assertive now you'll be getting unwanted hand-me-downs for years. Fine if that's what you want (it was for me, as I hate shopping) but not if you want to enjoy choosing your own things.

Just say politely thank you but no thank you. As a society we struggle to say no without justification. But I would say if she has baby clothes to have a look because they could really come in handy. We were given second hand stuff and to be honest have been a god send, he is a big boy (nearly 5 months) and is in 6-9 month clothes, so if you were to buy everything new you'll need a good range of sizes because trust me they dont stay in them long, especially newborn! And think of all the poop and puke its handy having soared babygrows because I found if a baby grow was dirty and I could get stain out I binned it. I know you're not worried about money but when they're babies I dont see the point in turning down second hand stuff if it's in good nick. But personally second hand brest pump? No thanks

I get how you feel OP. We got given loads of stuff my a couple of friends - some of it was amazing (barely used gorgeous outfits and blankets) some of it from another couple was largely unhelpful and has been a hassle to then get rid off. So if you’re sure you don’t want it you need to be polite but firm @boomboom1234 had a great way of putting it to SiL.

Oops *spare not soared

It's not ungrateful OP. I got given cases full of tatty clothes (which they wanted back) we used as much as we could but I got given so much I did actually want to choose a couple of baby things for myself - there's only so much they can wear! And quite a lot of the stuff I did buy second- hand, but I got to choose what i wanted and needed.
Be firm but polite!

Just be polite but firm and say "Thanks for thinking of me but I'm already sorted and don't have the space, I'd just have to take it all to the charity shop if you leave it here". That put my SIL off for a bit as she was prone to giving us bags of toys which were broken or had parts missing (and then ask for them to be returned when we were done). We would end up just dumping them as they weren't even fit for the charity shop.

To be honest, you will probably change your mind on second hand. Everyone wants shiny and new to begin with and then you realise it can be a waste of money (for some things), especially when your baby starts playing with toys for two minutes then getting bored you will be pleased with some (good quality) hand me downs so you have a good rotation of toys. If your SIL if offering rubbish though just threaten to throw it away.

I was going to say YABU but then you said SIL "wants her stuff back"!!!

That is batshit! Has she set up a lending library?

I am happy with 2nd 3/4 hand and I like to pass stuff on...

But once it's out of my hands it's "gone". If the other person uses/redonates/bins/sells on fb - it's not my concern

I'd tell her that you cannot deal with having to separate out what is hers to give back at some point (what if you broke or ruined something )

I love hand me downs and me and my sister have been sharing and swopping for each of ours and I've passed over some of her things to my friends etc. But I completely understand if that's not for you, everyone is different.
I think you need to bite the bullet and be totally honest.
Say that you are really grateful for all the offers, but you just don't need anything and have everything you need already. Say that if you think of anything you don't have you will check with her but it would be better use for her to keep it and offer it to someone else when they need it as you don't.
You just need to keep reiterating this and hope that she gets the idea. Maybe she is just using it as an excuse to clear space in her house, who knows, but just stay firm and outline that you don't need her to offer anything going forward, but appreciate it and will let her know if it changes.

@FeeFee832 honestly this is another post I see where the poster gets attacked! People seem to miss the question you asked? It's not for them to give opinion on you not accepting but how can you do without hurting sil feelings!
Personally I am the same it's no offence to my Friedan and family who I love dearly but I don't want (most) second hand things! It's a personal choice and one your well in your rights to make without explaining yourself!
Personally I would accept the things you can eg clothes and just say oh thanks I'll try them then give back and explain they don't fit but thanks for offer(you never know there might be things you can use) them as for breast pump I agree no thanks would I want to use someone else's yuk! Now if I was in a position where I couldn't afford yes maybe I would look differently on it but I'm lucky that I'm not! With these items I would say again oh great thanks I'll try take it back then say that you couldn't and make a excuse it say a family memenver has already gifted the money to buy?
My ex mil loved charity shops and used to buy my two kids lots of teddy's and toys from such which I hated because I could t stand the thought of another kids throwing up etc on the toys plus you have no idea what the house is like where it's come from! She wasn't short of money by any means but loved charity shop bargains in the end my ex had to have a word with her and say as much as it's appreciated we did t need so much and please don't waste money on such it is very hard though as they believe they are doing good xx

Hope this isn't stating the obvious but are saying you don't want any second hand things ....ever? Children are so seriously expensive. I don't know anyone who - despite having great incomes - hasn't at some points been grateful.

Appreciate that you haven't asked for advise but she is being kind. Can't you just say - 'how exciting it this I'm all sorted for baby and their first 12 months Auntie SIL' and start refusing baby stuff.

You need to consider the long term - yours and the environment.

That said I also got a huge bag of very useful stuff from a recent mum. Sling, room thermometer, towels, cotbed sheets, giant muslins... So that was much appreciated!

I can relate here. Yes, some second hand stuff is helpful when your child starts nursery because they will get scruffy. I found that I didn't care so much about what they wore there, and it meant I could save nicer outfits for weekends.

What I would keep is babygros, socks and vests - they don't tend to age like normal clothes do, and sometimes you get through a lot or may need to throw some out if they're stained.

People also kept trying to give us plug socket covers too which are apparently dangerous anyway.

Could you say you're waiting for your baby shower before you buy things? And that you think you'll just buy new clothes incase you have another and don't want to have to go through loads of things? Such an awkward situation for you xx

This is tricky - I had similar from my SILs. I think you or your DH (is it his sister or your brother's wife?) just need to say 'thanks for the offer but we're sorted. Can I let you know if I need anything once the baby is here.' Then repeat as often as needed. Don't accept anything you don't want as sorting and storing baby stuff is a pain especially if they want it back again you have to remember what they have you etc.

I didn’t want second hand things for my dd. I get it. Looking back now I see that was wasteful of me and dd would have been fine in / with x. Your sil is out the other side so she sees things differently.

Perhaps you could explain to her you know it’s maybe coming across as irrational or ungrateful. However you just want everything new. You’re sure she has some lovely stuff but you want the pleasure of choosing everything for yourself. Thank her for thinking of you and tell her you’d rather not take things and just to give them back some months later unused. If there is anything specific you want to borrow, you’ll ask.

I feel the same OP. First baby and I want everything to be new and clean. Not that anyone has offered me anything secondhand haha but we could buy secondhand and we have chosen not to.

I'd say store it so as not to upset her and then never use any of it and then hand it back when baby is born and say you have been inundated with gifts and you no longer need her stuff but thanks anyway

@FeeFee832 I am the same, I don’t want any hand me downs. Not because of any snobbery but because I want to choose and buy my own things.
Almost everyone I know with babies tried to pass things to me. I’m expecting baby no4 so am very well set up but people still want to give me things.
I just say no thank you and explain that I’m keen to choose and buy things for myself.

Just say what youve posted here- thank you so much, it is really thoughtful and I really appreciate you thinking of us, but I've enjoyed shopping for a lot of our stuff and it would be much better for someone who needs it to have your things. I really don't see why she would be offended, if you stick your nose up saying ew second hand junk then maybe, but just be honest and say you won't use it as you already have it. I love getting second hand stuff though, especially as you don't know if you'll actually use it or like it; I think the only thing I bought new was the mattress for the cot and the car seat :D

Thank you SIL but I've already got x y z and don't need anything else. I'm really enjoying picking stuff myself. Thank you for generous offers but we really don't want anything for the baby. You keep it for one of your friends or if you have another dc.

I accepted lots of baby hand me downs clothes and most of it went unused. Did borrow a junperoo, cot (bought own mattress) baby chairs etc. I just loved picking out things for dd so most of the lent stuff just took up valuable storage space! It's been the same with toddler toys. My sister keeps asking if I want toys - I used to say yes but they often arrived dirty and were in reality things I wouldn't have picked myself so just took up space. I've started saying no more. It's lovely people want to share and help, but if you don't want the stuff just say 'no thanks' on repeat.

Hi i would just say that she should keep her things incase she has anymore babies & that you have everything you need but thank her for the kind offer. Im a fan of buying new aswell its part of the enjoyment of being pregnant, but i have had a few hand me down bits from other people that i will use as its handy to have extra bits.