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Original poster

Help. My husband wants a termination for number 4

79 replies

Jennywren2018 · 04/07/2019 19:02

Hi all

I need some advice. My husband and I have three young children, 6 year old twins and a 4 year old. It’s very tough and we have no support as my mum and his mum died 3 years ago. Marriage not in great shape as a result!

We were absolute irresponsible fools and had unprotected sex less than two weeks ago, I did t think I’d even ovulated but about a week after I took my BBT and I had. I loudly chart so I know where I am in my irregular PCOS cycle (periods every 3-6 months!). After feeling funny I did a test and boom BFP. So guessing 11- 12 dpo. I just know my body and knew something felt different.

We had half joked that IF our idiocy resulted in pregnancy there would be no option other than to march me to the doctors for the abortion pill. I agreed but it was light hearted fun poking. In reality it’s very different. I had a termination at 20 years old I’ve never got over so emotional scars are resurfacing. I’ll always look at my three at the dinner table and see the ghost of the fourth!

My husband naturally wants me to terminate, reminding me of the agreement but I don’t think I can ! I don’t know what to do. Any advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 04/07/2019 19:04

Don't have a termination you don't want. It's your body. It's your mind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2019 19:07

Did he suggest you get the MAP?

It’s your choice, don’t do anything you don’t want to. Do you feel happy to be pregnant?

endofthelinefinally · 04/07/2019 19:08

You and your DH are the only people who can make this decision. Perhaps with the help of a counsellor.
It is a very, very difficult time.
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant in my early 40s.
I was angry, scared, conflicted.
20 years on that baby turned out to be a wonderful blessing.
But DH and I had to come to terms with it together.

Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 04/07/2019 22:23

As my periods are so irregular (3-6 months apart) I loosing track my cycles. With signs of ovulation and temps, we use the pull out method but this time we’re fools and didn’t. I know how stupid that is. As I wasn’t showing any ovulation signs I thought it was fine. I started to have signs 5 days later, took my temp and realised I had so too late for MAP or I would have considered that.

I’ll be 39 when I have the baby so it’s a bit daunting, especially with the other three still in Infant school.

I feel as though if asked a month ago I’d say no, I don’t want another one. I’m only just getting a life of my own with my youngest starting school.

Wanting and actively doing something to end the pregnancy feel very different. I read about taking the abortion pill, process etc and I felt sick. My husband will have to sit me down and talk me into putting it in my mouth!! As I won’t want to.

It’s like we are doomed either way.

I also, on my own. Feel capable, happy, good, not worried. My grandma had 4 kids in a two bed terrace and I have a 4 bed detached. I got this .... just need bunk beds!

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 04/07/2019 22:50

It sounds Iike you really do not want an abortion, which is absolutely fine. Your husband does want one, and his views are also valid. However, this isn't a democratic decision - you need to discuss it together but ultimately only you can make the final decision.
The suggestion for counselling is very wise. It could be useful to have a neutral person help you both navigate this without blame or resentment.

Good luck whatever you do

TwistyTop · 05/07/2019 03:06

Don't terminate the pregnancy unless you are absolutely certain that you want to. It's a big deal. You are the one who will suffer the most with the consequences of this decision.

Pol16 · 05/07/2019 04:20

Please don’t have a termination unless it’s what YOU want. You will regret it and be resentful towards your husband for pushing you into this decision. Your comment about seeing the ‘ghost’ of the child you lost is a strong indication that terminating will bring you endless guilt and sadness. Follow your heart, stay strong.

BlackCatSleeping · 05/07/2019 04:24

It doesn't matter what you said at the time, it's how you feel now that matters. No one forced him to have unprotected sex. No one can force you to terminate your pregnancy. Take some time and make a decision when you are ready.

floraloctopus · 05/07/2019 04:38

It's not his decision to make. You should listen to what he is saying and consider it but at the end of the day this is your body and your decision. If you think you will regret it then don't do it, he has to take the responsibility for having unprotected sex as much as you do and if he was prepared to take the chance that you'd get pregnant then he needs to support you and not 'march you to the doctors'

Bernifal · 05/07/2019 06:20

I don’t know that I can offer any advice but I just wanted to say that my OH and I had an argument about this exact same possibility recently. We’re pregnant with our first and I want a big family but he doesn’t want to go over 3 (which might be fine for me, but he’s said in the case of a 4th he’d want a termination). My mum raised 4 kids in 2 bedrooms, but my OH grew up in a bigger house where he never remembers sharing a room, and can you believe it, THIS is the part where he puts his foot down. He thinks it’s not right to make children share a room. So if our house has 3 rooms, we’re having 3 children. I feel exactly the same as you regarding termination, I know I would always see ‘the ghost’ as you put it, and my OH doesn't understand this at all.

At the end of the day I don’t know what this conflict would do to our relationship in either outcome. So I think the best thing to do would be to see a counsellor/therapist together ASAP. Find a good one.

MyOtherProfile · 05/07/2019 06:25

we use the pull out method but this time we’re fools and didn’t

While your DH is pushing for an abortion I hope he is taking full responsibility for this pregnancy. This is further proof, if it was ever needed, that withdrawal is not a means of contraception, plus HE didn't pull out. So if he didn't want you to get pregnant with a 4th baby he should have put a condom on it or kept it in his pants.

NoSquirrels · 05/07/2019 06:30

Please go and get some counselling together. Neither one of you should feel coerced and you both need to talk it through with professional help. Act as soon as you can because it will be easier on both of you.

Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 05/07/2019 06:46

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and reply, it offers me lots of comfort.

We erupted into a fight last night. My DH considers the pregnancy no more than a bunch of cells trying to ruin our already fragile and stretched family. Saying yes the cells could be a baby if we let them, but so could every time he masturbates and discard the tissue!!!!!!

Admitting he was very naive to think our back up plan of me taking the abortion pill was a plan! Knowing how sensitive and easily upset I am when I talk about my termination from 20 years ago. I went to sleep crying and he went to sleep grumpy! Even alluding to the fact he may have to leave but then quickly saying he wouldn’t! Not nice to hear or reassuring.

We were both fools.

It goes to show though, it takes just one time! All the odds against me. My age, my lifestyle (I like wine), irregular sex, after sex going straight to the loo etc. I did everything you’re not supposed to and I’m still pregnant. I think a doctor would have given me less than a 20% chance of being pregnant. Less even as I seemed to ovulate later in the week! Crazy! But a miracle and everything happens for a reason. Thank you all xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 05/07/2019 06:48
  • apologies for typos and spelling errors. Typing was rushed
OP posts:
SushiForAmateurs · 05/07/2019 06:52

Why on earth has he not gone for a vasectomy long before you'd even got to this point...?

I assume he's booked in for one now??

daisyboocantoo · 05/07/2019 07:23

@Jennywren2018 , I don't know whether to give you a hug or a shake. All of those things (pull out method, going to the toilet afterwards) are not contraception methods. But you know that now.

I also had four kids in 6 years, and the last one was a surprise. I cried throughout the entire pregnancy as I was so scared and upset, and exhausted. It has been tiring but DC4 goes off to school after this summer and is so very loved.
I also have a friend who terminated her fourth pregnancy because she felt she just couldn't do it.

Anyway, you have to do what is right for you. As women, we bear all the consequences of pregnancy and contraception issues, and as you know, it isn't as clinical as taking a pill to get rid of a few extra cells. He is BVU to say that to you.

Good luck, this won't be an easy path for you, whatever you decide. Thanks

daisyboocantoo · 05/07/2019 07:24

Ps: I was sterilized after the fourth delivery and it has been liberating. We both feel much more relaxed now.

Whisky2014 · 05/07/2019 07:28

Well, it really is down to you and if your heart is against a termination then you have your answer.

For me, I think the same way as your husband. It is just a matter of cells at the moment. And with 3 other kids, your age etc are you sure you want to go through all that again? Plus risk your relationship. Maybe you need to think about where you think your relationship will go regardless of this pregnancy? Tough one but I'm sure you will make the correct decision for you.

Oomph · 05/07/2019 07:30

You had an agreement. It feels like your hormones are doing the thinking.

tomtom1999xx · 05/07/2019 07:34

Marriage not in great shape, no support, 3 young children already. I think your dh has a point.

But ultimately your call.

KatherineJaneway · 05/07/2019 07:37

Marriage not in great shape, no support, 3 young children already. I think your dh has a point.

But ultimately your call.

Totally agree.

Littletabbyocelot · 05/07/2019 08:05

The 'agreement' is irrelevant - it was after conception, so didn't impact his behaviour and its too emotive a subject for a hypothetical discussion or any discussion to be binding. It is your choice only and you can change your mind. He does get to decide how he reacts though.

Windygate · 05/07/2019 08:08

Your body your choice. Can you cope with four on your own?

aliensprig · 05/07/2019 08:44

I agree with above posters - your body, your choice.

However, on the other hand - are you sure you're not letting your heart rule your head? Think about how a new baby will affect your life and your children's lives. Can you give them the attention they deserve with a new baby? Yes you'll be distraught after a termination, but ultimately you might find yourself thinking "it was for the best", rather than seeing the ghost at the table. You just don't know how the future will unfold. I think counselling would really help you in this scenario, especially since your other half is refusing to be reasonable (threatening to leave if he doesn't get his way is just awful). Hope you can find the support you need x

HandsOffMyRights · 05/07/2019 09:01

Please don't be pressured. Ultimately, it is your call. I can see both sides.

I know you were 'joking', but when you talked about 'marching you' down to get the abortion pill, but your choice of words made me wonder if that was led by your husband.

I had a termination at 18 so I understand the scars. My boyfriend and I were pretty blase about what we'd do if I was pregnant. He didn't have to go through it, though.

Looking back, it was the right decision at that time. But I do wonder how much I was led by my ex being very clear that the very idea of keeping it was ridiculous in our situation.

I also have twins and understand the stress (let alone with one and possibly two other younger children). I'm in my 40s so not sure how I'd cope.

Good luck as I would be feeling the same in your shoes.