Help. My husband wants a termination for number 4

[Jennywren2018]

Hi all

I need some advice. My husband and I have three young children, 6 year old twins and a 4 year old. It’s very tough and we have no support as my mum and his mum died 3 years ago. Marriage not in great shape as a result!

We were absolute irresponsible fools and had unprotected sex less than two weeks ago, I did t think I’d even ovulated but about a week after I took my BBT and I had. I loudly chart so I know where I am in my irregular PCOS cycle (periods every 3-6 months!). After feeling funny I did a test and boom BFP. So guessing 11- 12 dpo. I just know my body and knew something felt different.

We had half joked that IF our idiocy resulted in pregnancy there would be no option other than to march me to the doctors for the abortion pill. I agreed but it was light hearted fun poking. In reality it’s very different. I had a termination at 20 years old I’ve never got over so emotional scars are resurfacing. I’ll always look at my three at the dinner table and see the ghost of the fourth!

My husband naturally wants me to terminate, reminding me of the agreement but I don’t think I can ! I don’t know what to do. Any advice is much appreciated.

Harsh reality is we are screwed either way and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Yes we were fools and we did know the risks and we have to live with the consequences now.

If I have to terminate we may as well sign the divorce papers at the same time. If I keep the baby, we sign them maybe a Year or two later. There is no answer to this and either way we’ve made the biggest mess of our lives. We can be judged and called idiots but it doesn’t change the fact of what is happening now.

If your relationship was so doomed why were you having unprotected sex with him?

I think you need to end your relationship and make your mind up about the baby although seems like you already have.

What sort of man ejaculates in a women, when he knows categorically that he'll insist she have an abortion.

I think the termination is the manifestation of the actual problem. The actual problem is the man you're with.

A school mum friend is like this, a 4th would break her (physically and mentally) but she keeps having unprotected sex with her husband and would never have an abortion.

I think there’s every chance the pregnancy might not work out anyway. At your age I had a bunch of miscarriages due to abnormalities. So my first piece of advice would be not to walk out on a marriage to keep a pregnancy that might not be viable.

I think you need to discuss it without screaming at each other. Say this is your last chance at pregnancy and completely support him having a vasectomy if he can support you seeing if the pregnancy is viable. If he forces you to have an abortion the marriage is over. If you can explain the possibilities and the definites I think he’ll calm down.

Whisky2014, our relationship was in trouble due to the strain of three young kids, money pressures and grieving over the loss of our mother/ loss of support network. We still love each other and we’re trying to make it work for the kids.

It feels so doomed now as in this pregnancy, as it’s like a nail in the coffin of an already struggling relationship. Either way is not going to end well as we can’t have the baby and not have the baby.

In the moment passion has a lot to answer for. Yes, we should have known better. Had I realised I’d ovulated I would have taken the MAP. Humans make mistakes, terrible and foolish ones. If I could bottle good judgment at all times, I’d sell it.

Come on Jenny - you don't need to 'bottle good judgment'.

You're a grown woman with three kids. You know how it works. You're not a rutting teenager.

You just need to sort out some decent contraception.

This isn't news. We all have to. Every one of us.

You don't sound like someone who wants an abortion. Don't let him push you into it because he thinks it's nothing. The abortion pills are not an easy option. If he can't support you he should leave.

I knew this thread would open the door for criticism, which is why I have held my hands up to the mistake that has been made. I am a grown woman yes, so I take it on the chin. My actions have been poor.

I have a 20% chance of miscarriage at my age so time will tell.

Thank you for all of the kind, considerate and constructive advice I have received. It is really appreciated.

If I have to terminate we may as well sign the divorce papers at the same time. If I keep the baby, we sign them maybe a Year or two later.

Please don’t think like this. I k is it feels that away right now but there is every opportunity for either of you to shift position. You’re not stuck in entrenched positions unless you allow yourselves to be.

Please keep an open mind and book some counselling ASAP.

I’d have like another baby but I genuinely believed my marriage would not have survived at that time. Luckily I did not get pregnant so did not have to face the decision but if I was in your place I would try very very hard to make sure we could both be heard and come to a decision together.

It's all very well coming to a decision together, it's not him that has to undergo the termination, is it?

It really is your decision, OP. A man who loves you will know and respect that. Does he?

I can see why he would feel betrayed if you both went into this with the understanding that a fourth pregnancy together would be terminated. Yes, he takes responsibility for ejaculating inside you. But at the same time maybe he wouldn’t have made that decision had he known you were against terminating.

It’s a tough situation and either way one or both of you are going to end up hurt. It’s your decision of course and your body. But you would do well to think carefully about the consequences of both options. It sounds like your marriage might not survive you going ahead with this pregnancy, and I can’t say I’d blame him if he feels like you’ve misled him. It might not survive if you do have a termination due to how you feel. So either way, would you rather keep your family together for your existing kids or end up a single mother of four? You have to take into consideration the impact of this on your existing kids who didn’t ask to be born, a fourth child would mean less time, resources and energy for each of them, plus potentially a broken home.

Before having sex with someone new, even with contraception, I always brought up what would happen if I got pregnant accidentally. When I was younger it was that I’d abort. When I got older into my late twenties I knew I wouldn’t make that decision any longer and felt I owed it to the guy I was seeing to tell him so he could make an informed decision re whether to have sex with me or not. I’d expect them to be devastated and furious if I’d said beforehand I would terminate but then said I wasn’t and I was only joking. Doesn’t stop it being my choice but it does mean that choice comes with a range of consequences.

I hate to ask, but even though you had unprotected sex you know the morning after pill exists. Why on Earth didn’t you go and take it? You’re grown ups who’ve done this three times already, you know sex comes with the chance of pregnancy and unprotected sex is playing with fire. Was there a part of you, either of you, that deep down wanted a fourth child? I can’t fathom why you’d take that risk otherwise of bringing a new baby into a strained married or having a termination with the emotional consequences that come along with that.

@Jennywren2018
I don't and aren't going to judge or criticise you in any way. In all honesty I genuinely feel for you in this situation. Having read the comments I do feel some are a little harsh but everyone is entitled their opinion so that's that. I also agree with some. In my opinion I want to ask, if your hubby agreed would you both seek some councilling?

I had a termination with my ex and it ruined everything. And now looking back I wish I hadn't been railroaded. I should have stood my ground.

Kids and money are always the main causes of relationship strains it's up to us as adults in a relationship to work through them.

Ultimately what you do with the baby is your choice. Just don't make a hasty angry decision as you know you'll likely end up regretting it.

I would be tempted to try the councilling however but again that's up to you two to decide.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do hun. Sending you a big hug x

Mrsbertbibby and mommato3 thank you so much.

I’ve booked us in for a counselling session a week on Monday. A mediator I suppose, so we can both be heard.

Emeraldrubyshark. I appreciate the time you took to write you post. I’ve addressed several of your points already.

I definitely think it's worth you attending the counselling session try and think practically not emotionally about a cute little baby being in your house what will the impact of this be on your existing children what are the risks involved with you having another baby at this age? Do you have space for another child what about finances ? You have already said you have limited family support so how will you cope?

Whatever happens please sort out some contraception in the future this is a very harsh lesson whayever you decide

I know, I’ve read the thread :) I hear what you’re saying re you’d have taken the pill with signs of ovulation but with such irregular periods and sperm being able to survive 5-7 days inside the reproductive tract, wasn’t it a bit risky to wait for signs of ovulation and not take the MAP? It seems like if he ejaculated on a Monday, you could not start showing signs of ovulation until Weds but even then the sperm is still in there as a risk and you’ve left the efficacy window for the MAP.

I’m guess it’s a moot point now all is said and done, sorry. I hope you find a solution that works for you, your partner and kids. Have you had any further discussions since the argument?

The MAP would have been an easy solution to this, also your DH should have got a vasectomy. Obviously the horse has already bolted there but I’d strongly suggest to him that he gets himself on the waiting list for one ASAP whatever you choose to do...

Sorry you are in this situation. I would personally contact either BPAS or Marie Stopes for some free non-biased advice. An abortion at this stage would be relatively straightforward physically, obviously your emotions are another story...

I think you are right though with regards to your marriage, it sounds fairly doomed at this point. Your decision going forward should be with you regarding yourself as a single parent. Remove him from the situation, do you want to be a single Mother of four including a newborn? Could you cope with that?

Me and my husband have had the same conversation where we said if I got accidentally pregnant we would have an abortion as we could not cope with another child.

From the other side, if I got pregnant and he said he wanted the baby I would feel tricked. To him you said you would take the pill if you got pregnant. He may have been more careful if you had said 'just joking by the way if you ever get me pregnant I'm keeping the baby'.

Also saying he should have known you wouldn't terminate a pregnancy due to your regret 20 years ago isn't fair as in your own admission you talked about having an abortion with him.

I honestly really feel for you and it must be so hard, I can't imagine how you are feeling choosing between your husband and your pregnancy, but I don't think your husband is fully in the wrong for expecting you to do something you had agreed you would. Yes he should support your decision but with three young children and no help I am sure he is overwhelmed and not thinking straight. Try not to blame him and hopefully councelling will help you understand eachother better

I struggle to have sympathy for a 38 woman who doesn’t know what the pull out method is not effective and that peeing after sex doesn’t count as contraception.

Whatever decision you make it is up to you and you only. Do consider what another baby will do to ur other young children and to you financially/being a single older mom etc.

We still love each other and we’re trying to make it work for the kids.

That doesn't ever work. It really doesn't. It doesn't do the kids any good emotionally; either.

Do you love each other? Before this baby, did you want to be together because you want to be together; or just because there's a lot of water under the bridge and you have kids?

If the former; you've got some tough conversations to have on whether either of you have changed positions now there is another child.

If the latter; you were on borrowed time anyway. Someone would make an appearance at some point that made one of you not want to keep up appearances for your kids - in this case, it's another baby.

I won't comment on conception, its too late to change it. You are where you are. You're decision now is about what condition your relationship was in, what it will be in and whether you can live with any of those options.

To him you said you would take the pill if you got pregnant. He may have been more careful if you had said 'just joking by the way if you ever get me pregnant I'm keeping the baby' I got the impression the abortion conversation was after he went "oops I just ejaculated inside you" not part of a long term pre agreed plan

Hey @Jennywren2018. Take a deep breath. So much shoulda would coulda on here like we never made mistakes. I feel for you. You got a big decision to make and you need a clear head to do that. Remember nothing stays the same... children especially... they grow up. And what ever decision you make you can choose to be ok if you want yo be. With three kids being looked after and raised by you..you are already strong. Take time and decide then commit and have no regrets. Sending hugs

Thank you. Just to be clear on the MAP issue. We had unprotected sex on the Saturday. I had signs of ovulation on the Thursday and confirmed with BBT on the Friday. Too late for MAP. I can go up to 6 months without ovulating with my PCOS. Appreciate still foolish and high risk. I would have taken the MAP.

I agreed I’d go to the doctors in the event of pregnancy yes. My husband knows my history, that I struggle with the guilt of my termination from my youth. In reality, it’s very different. If you had asked if I wanted a baby a month ago.... absolutely not. Wanting one and being pregnant feels very different. I see all of your points, I do and perhaps outside looking in I’d say the same.

I’m honestly not thinking if the cute baby. I’m thinking of the man or woman sat next to me in 30 years. Would I ever regret them? ...

I just don't understand why you didn't take the MAP. Or use actual contraception.