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Original poster

Help. My husband wants a termination for number 4

79 replies

Jennywren2018 · 04/07/2019 19:02

Hi all

I need some advice. My husband and I have three young children, 6 year old twins and a 4 year old. It’s very tough and we have no support as my mum and his mum died 3 years ago. Marriage not in great shape as a result!

We were absolute irresponsible fools and had unprotected sex less than two weeks ago, I did t think I’d even ovulated but about a week after I took my BBT and I had. I loudly chart so I know where I am in my irregular PCOS cycle (periods every 3-6 months!). After feeling funny I did a test and boom BFP. So guessing 11- 12 dpo. I just know my body and knew something felt different.

We had half joked that IF our idiocy resulted in pregnancy there would be no option other than to march me to the doctors for the abortion pill. I agreed but it was light hearted fun poking. In reality it’s very different. I had a termination at 20 years old I’ve never got over so emotional scars are resurfacing. I’ll always look at my three at the dinner table and see the ghost of the fourth!

My husband naturally wants me to terminate, reminding me of the agreement but I don’t think I can ! I don’t know what to do. Any advice is much appreciated.

OP posts:
Pinkmalinky · 05/07/2019 14:24

No, you wouldn’t regret them. What you may regret, however, is putting yourself in a tricky position where you struggle physically, emotionally and financially to cope alone with four children.

I have four children, it isn’t a massive leap from three in terms of coping emotionally but there are some things that no longer work with four as opposed to three such as car size...

Of course your marriage may work out but it doesn’t sound as though it’s currently in the best place. A baby will only weaken its foundations, not strengthen. What if it’s another twin pregnancy as well?

Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 05/07/2019 14:25

Dionn, that’s lovely. Thank you. I do deserve a slapped hand on this.

Sincethereis I didn’t get pregnant using the pull out pregnant, we went the whole hog this time...

In general that’s our chosen method. We have both done extensive research on it and are both comfortable with it. Had our chosen method been condoms we were in the moment and that probably wouldn’t have happened either.

My pee comment was in jest. As in I wasn’t lying on my back for 30 minutes with my legs in the air. I should have been clearer it was a joke.

I do love him and he loves me, we’ve just been through a heck of a lot these last few years and it’s put a lot of strain on us. I actually feel closer to him now, ironically. I see hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 05/07/2019 14:27

Underoverunder please see my post before yours.

OP posts:
EmeraldRubyShark · 05/07/2019 15:01

No, you wouldn’t regret them

You can’t possibly know this, Pink. Many people sadly regret having children or their child. It’s a taboo to acknowledge so rarely discussed (which is why statements like this propagate I guess). But it’s really not the case universally that ‘you’ll never regret a child’.

MrFlibblesEyes · 05/07/2019 15:18

I realise this isn't very helpful as it's too late in your case but I thought I would post this link for future reference or for other readers on how the MAP actually works

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/emergency-contraception/

It actually works by suppressing ovulation so if you thought you hadn't ovulated yet when you had sex (as you said in your original post) it would have been the perfect time to take it as it would have ensured that you didn't ovulate in the next few days and there would have been no egg for the sperm to fertilse.

Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 05/07/2019 15:42

Thank you. I guess when we realised there could be a potential issue we were 6 days after the event. So too late. I get your point though, should have taken it anyway. As a precaution.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 05/07/2019 15:49

You can’t change the past, so I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time about it. You need to focus on the now and the future,

BlackCatSleeping · 05/07/2019 15:50

That wasn’t aimed at MrFlibbleEyes by the way.

MrFlibblesEyes · 05/07/2019 15:58

Sorry, I wasn't trying to sound like an arsehole, I just didn't want anyone who was reading this post who was thinking about taking the MAP to misinterpret how it works and miss their window. Hope it all works out for you somehow x

IncrediblySadToo · 05/07/2019 16:57

Given he knows how you’re still suffering after your first termination, he’s being unutterably cruel expecting you to have another.

You love him, he loves you I guess now you’re going to have to put that to the test aren’t you

Tell him that whilst you might wish you weren’t pregnant, you are and you cannot out yourself through another termination and he’s beung cruel trying to bully you into it (threatening to leave IS bullying).
Threatening to leave (even if retracted) is not a loving thing to do...

You need to talk about your relationship as much as the pregnancy

I think, if you’re ‘tigrther’ You can cope with almost anything, it’s when you’re pulling in different directions that it’s tough yes another child will add to the ‘shit that needs doing here’ list, but if you both accept that and both just agree to stick together and deal with all the work 4 kids brings instead of arguing about who is doing what and who is more tired etc you’ll cope
Best wishes xx

thethoughtfox · 05/07/2019 17:00

It's pretty unfair for him to blame the baby for trying to ruin your family. He was the one who ejaculated.

Petitprince · 05/07/2019 17:07

So his preferred method of contraception is abortion?

zenasfuck · 05/07/2019 17:15

Your husband is a twat. Happy to have unprotected sex but not deal with the consequences.
'half joking' about terminating a pregnancy is not contraception

Have the baby if you want it, your dh will have to decide what he wants to do but the decision is yours

PregnantWithThird · 05/07/2019 17:16

Hi op, I'm in this situation right now. Even down to pcos and not ovulating for months. I only have 2 dc though. Its so hard and I can't go through with an abortion even though it's what DH wants. I wish I could just do it guilt free but I can't. I think I'm 7 weeks. Feel free to pm me of you want to chat privately.

Aquiver · 06/07/2019 09:54

Agree with @Oomph - you had an agreement not to have another child. You already say your marriage is challenged. Why bring another life into this situation? Utterly selfish.

MrsMiggins37 · 06/07/2019 09:58

*Marriage not in great shape, no support, 3 young children already. I think your dh has a point.

But ultimately your call*

This. We’d be the other way round in this house, I’d want to abort and he’d want to keep it. Ultimately though you do hold all the cards if you can’t agree x

redastherose · 06/07/2019 11:25

This is always a heated debate but ultimately you were both taking a huge risk not going for the MAP the next day. Regardless of PCOS the withdrawal method is not proper contraception. No method is foolproof but that was used at a time when religion and science didn't provide safe alternatives. They do now.

It takes two to tango but it is irresponsible to take the risk when you don't want the consequences and he has every right to feel upset if you said you'd go to the doctors if anything happened. Had you been honest and said there's no way you'd actually abort he'd probably have said let's go to the nearest pharmacist now.

I'm in my late 40's so very unlikely to conceive, had an accident with a condom splitting earlier this year, wasn't at a risky time in my cycle but still went to get the MAP the next day as I wouldn't want another at my age.

Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 06/07/2019 12:06

I do find it frustrating when people don’t read the thread properly and have a go at me!!! I agreed I’d go to the doctors 6 days after we had unprotected sex, when it was already too late for the MAP. I could not have anticipated how I’d have actually have felt! Only what I felt at that moment.

Thank you again to all of the people who offer none judgmental support, insight & advice.

OP posts:
redastherose · 06/07/2019 14:15

I had read the full thread. Having unprotected sex put you at risk of being pregnant. It's as simple as that. You should have gone for the morning after pill if you didn't want another child regardless of your pcos. It's not unlucky it's carelessness. You have said your relationship is strained and you already have 3 young children. What would happen if this pregnancy was twins again given that the risks of having twins increases with age. If you definitely didn't want this to happen you'd have tried to make sure it couldn't.

TheVanguardSix · 06/07/2019 14:18

Your marriage isn't good.
You're on totally unsteady ground here now with number 4. I would want to keep the baby.
Why is your marriage not good?

TheVanguardSix · 06/07/2019 14:22

That wasn't a typo (just reading my post). I really would want to keep the baby. I think abortion just doesn't feel right for any woman. We may choose to have one, but we never 'want' one. Oh I feel for you. This is tough. Will this be the final nail in the coffin? Talk about your marriage problems? What's going on there? Are they big or manageable? Do you argue a lot?

Original poster
Jennywren2018 · 06/07/2019 14:38

Redastherose if you really consider your response to be appropriate when somebody is appealing for advice on a way to move forward in a difficult situation then fine. I’m sure you never make mistakes and you’re perfect.

My PCOS made me have fertility issues, my twins were IVF. It was having IVF that kicked started my system again. Irregular periods, fertility, cycles can be very difficult to manage with PCOS. I suppose having been through IVF and wanting a baby so much, may be another reason I’m struggling to terminate the pregnancy. I have also said I’m struggling to make the decision, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I have been with my DH for 12 years and since the loss of our mums we’ve drifted due to the stress and strain we’ve been under. It has not felt like we’ve been in love for the last year. Loss of attraction etc. Simply being co parents and lots of fighting (not around the kids). We were planning on counselling so there was/is hope. Obviously still having sex.

I know I should terminate the pregnancy as my husband doesn’t want another child. I feel very capable of managing though and can see how it could work. So I simply am torn!

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 06/07/2019 14:43

I guess what it boils down to is are you ok as a single parent of four, rather than three?

2eternities · 06/07/2019 14:51

I've just had a similar dilemma where I'm pregnant with my third, I had a termination at 8/9 weeks when my second was a few months old and it looked like a baby even then, I just couldn't do that again so have decided to keep this baby and have asked to be sterilised again and have been told I can this time. It will be a push financially and for me emotionally and practically but I couldn't face another termination. My DP wanted to keep it though so my situation is a bit different to yours. I feel another abortion would destroy me with the guilt, don't do it if you don't want to if dh was so bothered he should have had a vasectomy or wrapped up. It's such a hard time I hope you come to a decision you are happy with.

2eternities · 06/07/2019 14:54

Redasarose things happen not a very helpful comment and a bit late for that now isn't it. Their marriage has been on the rocks maybe they got caught in the moment it happens it's called life. No one's perfect!

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