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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Now that I’m pregnant, partner has decided he doesn’t want this baby

100 replies

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:30

Actually I’m not sure if he does / doesn’t want it.

At first he was so happy telling me it’s amazing news and telling me he’ll do anything to look after me and the baby. He put me on his private health insurance, arranged a holiday for us. We don’t live together yet but have been together for 2 years.

Now all of a sudden he’s saying how ridiculous it is. That it’s going to spoil his hopes and dreams and he needs ‘space’ from me. That his family will think badly of him for having a baby at 49. Hes being really nasty. And when I told him it’s not on for him to do a 180 like this on me, he gets pompous and says he can change his mind if he wants to and he doesn’t have to explain himself.

We both have full time jobs and neither of us is poor. I just feel completely in a spin about his reaction. What I do know now is that I could never live with him. As it seems that his way of dealing with stress is to lash out at me He has a 22 year old son and I have two children at home with me who are nearly 16 and 10.

At my age (39) I could easily have a miscarriage. It’s so early days. I asked him if he wants me to have a termination and he said he doesn’t know.

I don’t know what to do next.

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 11/05/2019 09:31

Prepare for life as a single parent

Hollowvictory · 11/05/2019 09:32

Personally I'd definitely dump him. Whether you keep the na u is another question, I probably would not in this situation. I do think it's odd you started a family without ever living together.
He sounds dreadful this must be incredibly stressful 💐💐

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 11/05/2019 09:34

Oh dear. I would step away from him no matter what the outcome. He hasn’t covered himself in glory.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:37

We both like living on our own so had decided to live separately but be together iyswim. Unconventional I know but some people suit this.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 11/05/2019 09:37

He sounds like an arsehole. Was he aware a pregnancy might happen, did he want a baby?

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/05/2019 09:37

Split up with him. Decide whether you want to keep this baby knowing that you will be a single parent.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:38

I feel a bit stupid because I’ve seen behaviour like this from him before but then he seemed to change and was much more consistent with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:39

Yes, he said he did want a baby. I don’t mind bring a single parent. But he will want to be involved which will mean him getting angry with me at other times if my parenting doesn’t match his.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/05/2019 09:40

To be frank if you are living apart then that’s going to make what sounds like the inevitable conclusion to your relationship much much less traumatic.

I will be very blunt here; how much do you want this baby? Your OP speaks of his reaction but not much of yours.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:42

I want the baby very much. And this is probably my last chance as my mum went through the menopause at 44. I feel I can do this. My other children will be happy about it as well I think. Though I haven’t told them yet.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/05/2019 09:42

Do you want to be tied to him and his awful behaviour for the next 18 years? You already have concerns about him lashing out at you if your parenting styles don't match...

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/05/2019 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 11/05/2019 09:45

If you want the baby keep it. It is not his decision.

He had a choice before you were pregnant now it's not up to him.

If he decides he doesn't want to be a father at 49 then get in with your life as a single parent.

He will regret it as many older fathers realise it is their last chance to have their own children and so are more hands on.

Weenurse · 11/05/2019 09:45

Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/05/2019 09:47

Posted in wrong place, have reported x

Hollowvictory · 11/05/2019 09:47

If you have the baby this man is in your life forever

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:49

Why is it the wrong place?

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/05/2019 09:54

I posted a message meant for the June ante natal club in here @moominmantra because I’m a wally, so have asked MNHQ to move it away from your thread.
Sorry!

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:54

Oh sorry a post - no worries :)

He’s unbelievable. I don’t think his response is adult.

OP posts:
cheesewitheverything · 11/05/2019 10:12

You sound strong enough and calm enough to do this by yourself if you want to, so make that decision first. Then decide what you want to do about him.

firstimemamma · 11/05/2019 10:14

"We both like living on our own so had decided to live separately but be together iyswim. Unconventional I know but some people suit this."

That may be what you prefer but it should be about the child. The child might prefer a family unit.

Your partner might be feeling nervous, a baby is a massive life change

Hope it all works out for you op

firstimemamma · 11/05/2019 10:16

Not that I think the things your partner are saying are justified mind you

IncrediblySadToo · 11/05/2019 10:23

Break up with him, he’s a twat.

You don’t need to include him in YOUR pregnancy or YOUR birth. You can inform him when the baby is here. Allow him to visit if he initiates it, breastfeed if you can, fit as long as you can and and ALL contact needs to be instigated by him, but controlled by you. I know it sounds harsh, but he needs to prove himself before your baby is a child and is let down by him time after time.

You don’t have to take any notice of his opinion about raising your baby. You’ve done it twice already, you can do it again.

Enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy your new baby 🌷

LonelyTiredandLow · 11/05/2019 10:30

It is entirely possible that he is freaking out (which seems to happen very regularly if MN is anything to go by). I think perhaps you need to give him time. Keep the baby but make it clear that to you the baby comes before his 'crisis' or whatever he is having. It sounds as though the two of you are stable and already have kids, so you have been here before. It's hardly new territory but maybe the gap for him is an issue. I have a friend who's DH didn't want the first child let alone the 3rd as he thought he would be too old to be a dad. He is now going to get his tubes tied.

Either way the worst case scenario is that he decides to up and leave and have a mid-life crisis elsewhere. It's not ideal for you but it sounds as though you would cope. It doesn't need to get to that though, if you can talk about it calmly and discover his fears.

MrsHormonal2019 · 11/05/2019 10:45

This pregnancy was planned but it happened so quick I did have a few weeks of being a twat and panicking had we made right decision. My husband, bless him, knows what a stress head I can be and just let me have my moment but made sure I was aware he wasn't worried in slightest.
Maybe your partner is going through this also.
A baby seems a lovely idea when it's an idea but when it's actually happened it's then you start thinking about the reality and how life will change.
It is not just your baby so what ever decision is made needs to be made by both. Goodluck