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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Now that I’m pregnant, partner has decided he doesn’t want this baby

100 replies

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:30

Actually I’m not sure if he does / doesn’t want it.

At first he was so happy telling me it’s amazing news and telling me he’ll do anything to look after me and the baby. He put me on his private health insurance, arranged a holiday for us. We don’t live together yet but have been together for 2 years.

Now all of a sudden he’s saying how ridiculous it is. That it’s going to spoil his hopes and dreams and he needs ‘space’ from me. That his family will think badly of him for having a baby at 49. Hes being really nasty. And when I told him it’s not on for him to do a 180 like this on me, he gets pompous and says he can change his mind if he wants to and he doesn’t have to explain himself.

We both have full time jobs and neither of us is poor. I just feel completely in a spin about his reaction. What I do know now is that I could never live with him. As it seems that his way of dealing with stress is to lash out at me He has a 22 year old son and I have two children at home with me who are nearly 16 and 10.

At my age (39) I could easily have a miscarriage. It’s so early days. I asked him if he wants me to have a termination and he said he doesn’t know.

I don’t know what to do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoominMantra · 13/05/2019 22:11

I feel quite negative about it at the moment. It's hard when there's no one I can talk to about it.

I just feel that I'm going to be tied to him in some way forever and he's so unreasonable it will be awful.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 13/05/2019 22:28

He’s only 49, not 79 AND he said he wanted a baby.

Anyway, it’s all beside the point. Just tell him you don’t want to hear from him. It’s OVER.

Remind me how many weeks you are?

Only you can decide which is worse, having a termination or being tied to this dicksplash for the rest of your life. It’s really, really not as easy decision. But it’s YOURS, not his.

GarnierBBCream · 13/05/2019 22:30

He's going to make your life and your children's lives awful Sad.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 13/05/2019 22:54

I'm only 6 weeks. I just can't understand how he's so convinced that this will affect him more than me. The worst thing that could happen to him is he has to give me about 10% of his income. For me I have to deal with the outcome of having the baby, having a termination of having a miscarriage.

I am afraid how I will cope if I have a miscarriage at work and nobody to even ask if im ok.

Sorry if this makes no sense. I'm confused

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 14/05/2019 08:52

It’s difficult & he’s a twat, I’m still not convinced he realises he’s been completely dumped? He might need telling again

You have to be strong. If you have a miscarriage you will deal with it. Unless you have a history of them it’s really not worth focusing on...unless you think your thoughts in that direction are suggesting a termination.

Put him out of your mind.

Previously you were considering sterilisation, you’re only 6 weeks and you’d be tied to him for the rest of your life. Yes it eases off after 20 years, but there are still things like weddings, grandchildren etc

Your DC are a lot older, you’re on the road to the next part of your life, do you really want to start over with babies again, on your own? Having previously planned sterilisation, only being 6 weeks and this guy being such a twat, I’d seriously consider a termination.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 14/05/2019 09:51

I know. He's got a profound lack of self awareness. He likes to see himself as some kind of spiritually gifted guru who spends his days meditating, reading wanky books like 'Spiritual DNA' and reflecting on what an old soul he has 😂 which is ironic.

OP posts:
ReganSomerset · 14/05/2019 11:24

go alone to register birth. Do not give him pr. if you need money and he won't give it go to csa. Give the child your name.

This confuses me. If you're claiming csa, aren't you declaring that he's the father and thus giving him evidence of parental responsibility?

Original poster
MoominMantra · 14/05/2019 11:38

The father doesn't need to be on the birth certificate to claim child support. But if on the BC it probably makes the process quicker.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoominMantra · 14/05/2019 11:39

He would have a legal right to PR, but I think people are saying don't just let him have it by default.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 14/05/2019 13:20

Exactly.

If he contests paternity with the CSA they will assume he is the father unless/until he can provide evidence that he's NOT the father.

So it won't slow down the child maintenance claim if his name is not on the birth certificate.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 14/05/2019 19:57

Apparently he had told his son who is a grown adult. The son is crying and wants to 'have a word with me' about it. I'm beginning to think this man has more of a bizarre background than I imagined.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoominMantra · 14/05/2019 19:57

I really do not want anyone bullying me at this point.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 14/05/2019 20:02

You need to disengage, OP. Stop contact or at the very least reduce it completely.

Are you willing to do that or are you drawn to the drama?

Original poster
MoominMantra · 14/05/2019 20:17

I think the problem is he's the only person I can discuss it with right now. Ok I'll try really hard not to respond.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/05/2019 20:39

Complete emotional blackmail quite possibly complete bollocks and he's not even told him.

Please just block him on everything give yourself space to work out what you want.

AnotherEmma · 14/05/2019 21:18

He's the only person? Counselling would be your best bet. And there is also Mumsnet!

Have you told any family or friends about the pregnancy?

ReganSomerset · 14/05/2019 21:28

I'd respond that just because he so clearly failed to parent his first child correctly, that doesn't mean he gets to veto this one. I might also point out that 'have a word' could be construed as a threat.

A grown man crying and wanting to 'have a word'! What word would that be then? 'Excuse me, could we please talk about what's in your uterus?'

Either the son is a weirdo with boundary issues or the dad is a liar.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 14/05/2019 21:49

I have only told one friend and he's being really supportive. And I've also told my oldest daughter because she's very mature for her age and she's really happy about it (and she's the one who it will affect more because her GCSEs are coming up)

What I said though was that it's very early days yet.

I did manage to have a chat with him today without him being nasty. It's clear to me that his 'normal' is a family who argues a lot because it 'clears the air' And he thinks that everyone says horrible things to each other when they're upset and it's just normal.

So since the above is an alien concept to me, it's so clear that we'll never work as a couple living together.

He going away now for a while so perhaps I'll get some peace.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 15/05/2019 00:25

I would simply block him for now . He is in no way supportive to you.

Leave him to it till you want to talk to him but give yourself a break from his bullshit

BackToDecember · 15/05/2019 09:51

I would give the baby the same last name as you and your other children or maybe a hyphenated surname that includes your maiden name.

I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate or include him in any scans or your birth plan.

If you block his number and on social media then you won't get anymore nasty messages off him.

If you can afford to you might want to contact a solicitor later on. He sounds capable of going 180 again and insisting he'll get full custody of a newborn or something equally ridiculous. 🙄

Original poster
MoominMantra · 15/05/2019 10:08

He won't be able to get full custody of a newborn. I really think he'd have zero chance.

OP posts:
MindfulBear · 15/05/2019 20:57

Why do you say he would have zero chance of getting custody rights OP?

Starlight456 · 15/05/2019 21:56

Unless the baby is at risk no court will give residency to a dad.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 15/05/2019 22:52

The only time a baby is ever taken away from its mother is if the mother has something really serious like a heroin addiction and / or can be demonstrably unable to put the child's needs above their own. I think arguably he's not dad of the year since his own daughter won't speak to or see him and has blocked him on everything.

OP posts:
misssmorgan82 · 15/05/2019 23:01

I had this with my partner, he was so undecided, we spoke about termination too which was upsetting. However after a couple of weeks, he decided that this is what he wanted what we both wanted. Sometimes men are scared about what's to come, as long as you are certain or as certain as you can be it will all work out the way it's meant to be. My advice just give him some time he's probably scared. I was scared, but deep down I knew what I wanted and I just held on to that. I hope this helps Smile

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