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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Now that I’m pregnant, partner has decided he doesn’t want this baby

100 replies

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:30

Actually I’m not sure if he does / doesn’t want it.

At first he was so happy telling me it’s amazing news and telling me he’ll do anything to look after me and the baby. He put me on his private health insurance, arranged a holiday for us. We don’t live together yet but have been together for 2 years.

Now all of a sudden he’s saying how ridiculous it is. That it’s going to spoil his hopes and dreams and he needs ‘space’ from me. That his family will think badly of him for having a baby at 49. Hes being really nasty. And when I told him it’s not on for him to do a 180 like this on me, he gets pompous and says he can change his mind if he wants to and he doesn’t have to explain himself.

We both have full time jobs and neither of us is poor. I just feel completely in a spin about his reaction. What I do know now is that I could never live with him. As it seems that his way of dealing with stress is to lash out at me He has a 22 year old son and I have two children at home with me who are nearly 16 and 10.

At my age (39) I could easily have a miscarriage. It’s so early days. I asked him if he wants me to have a termination and he said he doesn’t know.

I don’t know what to do next.

OP posts:

LilliesMummyx · 11/05/2019 11:01

Hi OP

I'm sorry your in this situation too! Im going through a similar thing! My DP soon to be ex, has told me he wants me to have an abortion, however he knows how strongly I feel against them! I have absolutely no judgment or opinion on people who do go with that option but for me it's not something I'm willing to consider!

I'm feeling under so much pressure to have an abortion because my DP is putting on me how I'm ruining his life and his DC2 lives with me going through with my pregnancy! I've told him from day 1 I would never get an abortion under any circumstances as i just know I wouldn't be able to cope mentally after the procedure! I know in my heart my relationship is over now and it's tough, but my baby means more to me already. He just doesn't get that we start to bond as soon as we see those double lines on the test!

My advice honestly would be to not have an abortion because it suits him and his lifestyle. It's not fair for him to be careless in getting you pregnant and then turning saying he's not prepared to be a dad again he can't expect u to go through the heartache of a termination and expect things to carry on as they are! Men just don't consider the mental affect a termination would have on a women if she wasn't 110% certain she wanted to do it! I'm sure your baby will be loved endlessly by you and your DC, get ready to do it alone! I definitely am! Wishing you lots of luck xx

Mamabear12 · 11/05/2019 11:37

I am sorry to say this, but what the heck were you thinking?? Unless, you had a discussion about the possibility of getting pregnant and him being happy with that, you should have been using protection. I do not understand how some people can be so careless about something so serious. Both of you are at fault here, as he is stupid to take the risk, but also, you should definitely not be so careless with out making sure he would actually be happy and support having another child.

That being said, too late for that now. Do not listen to him if he is pushing for an abortion. Do what you think is right for you, after all you are the one who will have to live with it. But do not expect him to be supportive etc after the baby is born. Only have this baby if you are able to cope with out any support from him. He might surprise you and actually step up, but I would not expect it.

Mamabear12 · 11/05/2019 11:38

Oops, I am so sorry! This was meant for another post!!! Not your post.

Mamabear12 · 11/05/2019 11:46

So now that I read your post, I realised I had meant to post this on someone else's thread that I read earlier, in a similar situation, but that poster wrote how it was not planned and basically they were just being careless and not using protection, which is why I wrote what I wrote.

I do not know your whole situation, on whether it was planned or not, but from the way you wrote, it sounds like it was planned and then he changed his mind. Do you know why he suddenly changed his mind? Some men do get cold feet, but at his age, maybe he just thinks he is too old. At your age, if you really want this baby then go for it, as you do not know if later you will be able to have a baby etc... Do not let him pressure you in to anything, but I would not expect anything from him, so only do it if you understand he might not be involved at all emotionally or financially. It could go either way. But in any case, a baby is a blessing. So hopefully he will change his mind again.

LonelyTiredandLow · 11/05/2019 12:03

Second Lilliesmum - I have a friend who's ex begged her to have an abortion and she refused - she knew this was her last chance to have a child and although they hadn't been dating very long she decided to keep the baby. Since then he has really tried to step up to the plate - granted sporadically and they have volatile drop offs - but in mediation he admitted he is now terrified she will one day tell the dc that he didn't want them. Like so many men, the abstract is far worse than the reality when it comes to children as it can be hard to see any benefits.

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 13:18

Mamabear - men have to pay child support. It’s the law. But I would be happy for him not to give me money if he just bought things for the child now and then.

OP posts:

PregnantSea · 11/05/2019 13:23

He sounds like a total tosser. I wouldn't want to raise a child with someone like that. You've been a single mum before, you'll be fine OP. Tell him he can have all the space he needs because you don't want to be with him anymore and start preparing for your beautiful new baby. Good luck with it all xx

RandomMess · 11/05/2019 13:24

Please just go via the CMS recommendation level of support, that is the minimum requirement!

You don't know the future the financial impact of raising another child does mean less for your other two, not to mention childcare costs. If you don't want to use it stick it in a savings account in case you get made redundant, too ill to work etc.

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 13:27

Thanks for your kind posts. I cannot get my head around how he could have been gushing and almost in tears of happiness about this last weekend. And now he doesn't even want to talk to me. And if I text me he says he's busy(!)

OP posts:

ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 13:33

Prepare to go it alone.

PJMasksAreOnTheirWay · 11/05/2019 13:35

If you want to keep the baby then keep it, he can’t make you have a termination. But be prepared to go it alone.

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 13:37

Well, I'm already a single parent. I am not sure that he could do anything much to help raise a child with his capricious nature. I mean, what child wants yo bear witness to that level of instability on a daily basis?

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 11/05/2019 13:40

Was it a planned pregnancy?

I can't quite get my ahead around planning a baby with someone you don't live with, especially when you both have older children.

I think you need to end the relationship, that's a no brainer really, and then decide whether or not you want to terminate the pregnancy or continue with it and be a single mum. If you do continue with it you absolutely must give the baby your own surname and I'd think twice before even putting his name on the birth certificate tbh.

I'm detecting some red flags for abuse based on what you've said about him. What were your previous relationships like?

averythinline · 11/05/2019 13:45

your right the inconsistency would not be good for the future ... and that would be a reason for you to not have it....
he can make you and teh possible childs life absolutley miserable and damaging ....which will also affect your current children...

I would think about the impact it is going to have on them to have the rest of their childhood impacted by him... then decide what you think is best for you all..

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 13:54

'Was it a planned pregnancy?'

Yes but I suppose for him the idea was different to the reality.

I've had one or two wrong 'uns in my life. But he can be really lovely, supportive and caring and then can just turn on me. It has happened before but I forgot.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 13:57

One of his children doesn't speak to him. And I'm beginning to see why.

OP posts:

ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 14:00

If you carry on this pregnancy I would not put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname.

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 14:03

What could happen if his name goes on the birth certificate? After I got divorced I kept my old married name because I wanted to have the same name as my children.

Argh what a mess. I really thought he would be a good dad, especially after the mess he made with his daughter I thought he would want to get things right this time. I told him that his relationship with his daughter is entirely his responsibility and he agreed.

I wouldn't have expected him to get up and do night feeds at his age and we did discuss this before.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 11/05/2019 14:05

You decided to have a baby with him even though his daughter doesn't talk to him?!

You need to start making better choices, starting by ending the relationship.

ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 14:06

What could happen if his name goes on the birth certificate?

You cannot so much as get a passport for your child without his permission.

Children are not experiments you keep on repeating until you get it right.

You made a really big mistake procreating with him. It sounds like you may have been motivated most of all by a desire for a third child and he was a handy sperm donor.

He's a total fuckwit.

AnotherEmma · 11/05/2019 14:08

If you put him on the birth certificate, he will automatically have parental responsibility.
If you don't, he'll have to apply to court to get it (and might not bother).

Parental responsibility gives him some control over the child's life and therefore yours too.

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 14:08

You're wrong. I could really see myself being with him and getting married etc

Before I met him I was going to be sterilised.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 14:09

I mean before all this happened obvs - that was in response to the person who said I wanted a baby and he was just there.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 14:11

Ok, thank you for letting me know this re: parental responsibility.

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 11/05/2019 14:11

Go alone to register birth. Do not give him pr. if you need money and he won't give it go to csa. Give the child your name.
Take some time to think about it. Good luck

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