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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Now that I’m pregnant, partner has decided he doesn’t want this baby

100 replies

MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 09:30

Actually I’m not sure if he does / doesn’t want it.

At first he was so happy telling me it’s amazing news and telling me he’ll do anything to look after me and the baby. He put me on his private health insurance, arranged a holiday for us. We don’t live together yet but have been together for 2 years.

Now all of a sudden he’s saying how ridiculous it is. That it’s going to spoil his hopes and dreams and he needs ‘space’ from me. That his family will think badly of him for having a baby at 49. Hes being really nasty. And when I told him it’s not on for him to do a 180 like this on me, he gets pompous and says he can change his mind if he wants to and he doesn’t have to explain himself.

We both have full time jobs and neither of us is poor. I just feel completely in a spin about his reaction. What I do know now is that I could never live with him. As it seems that his way of dealing with stress is to lash out at me He has a 22 year old son and I have two children at home with me who are nearly 16 and 10.

At my age (39) I could easily have a miscarriage. It’s so early days. I asked him if he wants me to have a termination and he said he doesn’t know.

I don’t know what to do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 14:12

Last week he was phoning me up saying 'you won't get the baby vaccinated will you?'

So yes I see what you all mean. Especially as he is so changeable. If I needed him to sign something he'd make it hard wouldn't he.

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WeeMadArthur · 11/05/2019 14:15

He has parental responsibility if he is named on the birth certificate, which means he can have a level of control over your child, for example, you may need his permission to leave the country on holiday. It seems unlikely at the moment that he will end up on the birth certificate though, as he would have to attend the registrars appointment with you to do so.

Sounds like he has history in mucking you about, please don’t give him any further means to do this to you or your baby, if you decide to proceed.

ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 14:16

Gees, I wouldn't want to have a child and be tied to this controlling git forever, but be prepared for him to be adversarial in all this during the pregnancy and after.

PatriciaHolm · 11/05/2019 14:17

Even if you don't put him on the BC to start with, if he does decide he wants to be involved he is unlikely to have any trouble persuading a court to put him on it later, though.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 14:23

Oh dear. 🙈

He gets on ok with his son. But I have seen him lash out at him too just because he's stressed. Whatever is going on, it's always someone else's fault and he looks to blame others.

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AnotherEmma · 11/05/2019 14:25

"If I needed him to sign something he'd make it hard wouldn't he."

Well yes.

ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 14:53

I'd think long and hard about having a child with this man Sad He sounds like really bad news.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 15:42

I think he is a nightmare. All of a sudden I can see exactly how it would be living with him. Day after day, him up, down all over the place. Him taking his stress out on me. My daughters and this child caught up in the middle. Absolute nightmare.

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PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/05/2019 15:56

Is termination an option @moominmantra ?

I’m sorry to ask such a blunt and harsh question.

If you want to keep this baby then of course that’s your wish and it’s also your right to tell this guy he can GTF with his controlling shit.

My rationale for asking is that the heartbreak of a split and a termination may impact you long term less intensely than raising a child solo with another two children in the mix and a controlling arsehole in the background trying to make everything much harder.

I am in no way minimising the heartbreaking decision of ending a pregnancy btw. I really am not and I feel for you lots right now.

ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 16:00

Really glad you never moved in with him.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 16:07

I don't think I could bring myself to have a termination. But I certainly do agree with what you say.

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ItalianEarthernware · 11/05/2019 16:09

Really hope his controlling behaviour doesn't affect your children who are already here after this new baby arrives Sad. He could make your lives really hard.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 11/05/2019 16:10

That’s ok, as PPs have said you just have to have to make sure you have a sound support network round you and basically start to seperated from him now. You’ve seen how damaging he can be so best extricate now x

Original poster
MoominMantra · 11/05/2019 20:06

Yes. My daughters and I live together in a very calm household most of the time and voices are hardly ever raised. Imagine him crashing into our lives with his tempestuous mood swings, tantrums and navel gazing on a daily basis?!! He's so selfish that he won't care about my daughters or even his own child in the midst of this. I am so glad I didn't live with him.

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slipperywhensparticus · 11/05/2019 22:28

Dont let him on the birth certificate especially if he is trying to stop you from vaccinating you would need to get the courts permission for every medical procedure can you live with THAT? can you move Confused

Stiffasaboard · 11/05/2019 22:38

If you have this baby he will be forever in your life and that of your other daughters whether you like it or not

I think that would be a very foolish thing to do for the sake of your other children.

Walk away and seriously give thought to not proceeding with the pregnancy. You need a total break away from him.

Starlight456 · 11/05/2019 22:56

well forstly as you know he can't make you have an abortion .. You want baby so this is where we are.

Do give baby your surname .. it makes life easier.
Do not put him on BC.. like others said it is simple enough if he is bothered to get on bc.. He will then have pr.

Pr means he can stop holidays, stop you moving, have a say in schools.

to be clear you can apply for a passport without dads consent. My DS hasn't seen his dad in 8 years. so I have complete freedom from him interfering but some things are more complicated without his consent.. some crazy anti vaxer I would use every delay tactic going.

I would say you are done with him regardless. so I wouldn't waste my breath texting..

Original poster
MoominMantra · 12/05/2019 20:00

He keeps saying over and over again that this will affect ‘everyone around him’ but his children are both grown up. If I ask him
What he means he says ‘I’m not explaining myself’. He did say ‘sorry I was a bit harsh but I have fluctuating emotions’

So I’m getting nowhere. He won’t tell me what he thinks I should do. I told him that this will mainly affect me and my children and he apparently doesn’t agree.

I feel as though I’m talking to an alien.

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IncrediblySadToo · 12/05/2019 20:04

Hmm. It’s making me wonder if there’s another woman involved who thinks he’s her boyfriend.

Can I ask why you haven’t broken up with him this weekend?

Original poster
MoominMantra · 12/05/2019 20:12

I have broken up with him, yes. I’ve told him there is no way were ever living together. He said ‘that’s your choice’ as though I’m unreasonable.

Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps there is another woman. Nothing would surprise me tbh.

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RandomMess · 12/05/2019 20:13

What an idiot you are well rid!

IncrediblySadToo · 12/05/2019 20:26

Have you just said you’re not going to live with him or have you told him the relationship is completely over?

You need to be very clear the relationship is over (if you’ve come to your senses and made that decision), get anything back you have at his, then stop talking to him. You don’t need to be having conversations about how it’s going to affect him the most...deluded fuckwit.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 12/05/2019 20:32

Yeah he’s all ‘I need space to process this’ meanwhile for me morning sickness is kicking in.

Yes I said I don’t want to be in a relationship with him any more.

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IncrediblySadToo · 12/05/2019 20:40

Get your stuff back if you have anything at his, then tell him you don’t want to hear from him anymore - he can have all the space in the world to get his head around the fact that sex often ends in pregnancy. Twat.

Original poster
MoominMantra · 12/05/2019 21:12

Yeah. He keeps going on about his age but you’d never think he was nearly 50 🙄

He’s going on holiday with his son this week so hopefully I won’t get any mean messages.

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