He wants me to have an abortion

[Curlywurly1983]

I'm 34 and have very recently been promoted to a top tier work position in a very demanding and stressful profession.

I have found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. This wasn't planned and came as a shock, particularly as I had concerns about my fertility due to medical advice given in the past. I was also on the pill and using it correctly, although I have recently been unwell which may be the reason it wasn't effective.

Initially, I was feeling very stressed due to work, was exhausted and felt unwell and my initial reaction was that I couldn't keep it. I had a very low mood at the time due to relationship issues and work stress.

I have since had an early scan and saw it's heart beating. This has made me waver. Now the shock has worn off I feel that I want the child and am capable of looking after it well, albeit it will not be easy.

The problem is the father. It wasn't planned and he always said he wasn't sure he wanted children. We had been together for just over a year and he cheated on me (a kiss) and we broke up. I decided to forgive him and when it was conceived and ever since, things have been rocky. He is very immature and selfish and it is entirely possible that, whatever his reaction now, I may well have to raise the baby alone if I keep it, which will be a challenge due to my job and the fact I have no family living nearby.

However, he has made it very clear that he doesn't want it. He has only once expressed anger towards me. Otherwise he has been very depressed and unhappy. He said he will support me if I have it but he may resent me for it because he doesn't want it. He isn't sure whether our relationship will work with or without a baby but he says he is now fully committed to making it work but he can't promise the same if I keep it. He has even expressed suicidal thoughts if I keep it. He is very worried about how it will look to his friends and family it I keep it, he is worried that he won't feel anything towards the baby when it's born and is worried that our relationship wouldn't work out and he would end up having difficulty as a dad. He is also terrified of losing his independence. I don't know what he will do if I keep it and it may be that that ruins our relationship once and for all, which I don't really want as I do still love him.

I know my feelings are paramount but, although I want the baby and if he even expressed that he was ok with it I would keep it, I don't want him to be unhappy. I also don't want his negativity to make the scary experience of pregnancy even worse for me and I'm not sure I want this man in my life forever.

I don't know what to do and I wondered if anyone else had been in this position before? It is possible things could work out between us and he has said, if so, he would be happy to have a baby once we have at least experienced living together. Currently, we live apart. On the other hand, it's possible I could meet someone else and have a baby with someone who wants it and treats me better. It isn't essential that I have a baby now but I know I want one and, although I'm now not overly worried about getting pregnant again, I know that I may well regret the decision not to keep it. I'm also not sure if I can actually go through the abortion process. I am speaking to a counsellor next week but would be grateful for any insights.

Well your partner seems very selfish, and by the sounds of your post, has little regard to your wellbeing or what you want.

Would you resent him if he persuaded you to have an abortion? Could you even continue your relationship afterwards? Do you want this baby? I think these are things you need to ask yourself OP.

Xx

Personally at 34 I wouldn't abort a baby if I wanted children. How would you feel if you never manage to get pregnant again? He is so out of order trying to blackmail you into aborting with threats of suicide, that's a seriously shit thing to do.
I would continue but plan for being a single parent.

Ultimately, this decision has to be made by you. One thing that concerned me is you saying you aren't sure if you want this man in your life forever. Having a baby with him means in some way you are tied to him forever as he will always be your child's father and you will have to have contact with him in some way.

This is such a hard decision, have you spoken with friends about it? Xx

With regard to the suicide, has basically saying it's my life or the childs. I know who I would chose in that situation. You can make work and a baby work if you want it to. All the technicalities can be worked out later. Congratulations.

Hello,

yep, .. I was here in this same position in june last year .. although i dont have a good job so money was an issue for myself but everything else was the same ... I aborted it .. i thought i was doing the right thing ,, i put him first and i just thought id be fine because i felt i was doing the right thing ... i sobbed so hard .. i grieved so much and still if feeling sensitive will still cry for the loss even though i made the choice and i physically was then one that took the tablet etc. i would have been due march the 11th this year .. i was inlove with it as soon as i found out .. this is the crazy thing .. we were actually actively trying for 4 months .. so it was the happyiest moment when i found out but when i told him, the first thing he said is that it cant happen .. even though he said he really wanted a family (he is bi polar .. so it kind of accounts for/explains why he can be this way) .. anyway my heart crushed in to a thousand pieces .. but like i say .. i got over it and made a choice to get on with my life instead because like you i didnt want the child to have a dad that did not want it. Ultimately though i know i made the wrong choice .. and thats a very hard thing to live, always wondering what if.

i think age has a lot to do with it, as in why i found it so hard, i think my body and mind was so so ready and i just didnt realise how ready until i no longer was pregnant .. is good age to have a child and possibly close to being a last chance obviously there is always time but we are deteriorating and it becomes harder and harder to concieve but you should never makes choices from fear!

In summary do not make your final choice based on anyone else .. honestly 100% only consider how it may effect you, if the child would be well looked after and loved then really all you need to consider is what is best for yourself .. obviously as i said i did think about the dad and worried about the child not having a dad but im not sure those are reasons enough to potentially live with potentially what feels like a big mistake. as long as you are confident in your choice and its not made through feeling pressured by someone else then what ever you decide is at least 100% what you are "happy" with so then no regrets at least.

i am 33, 34 in march so similar age.

Hes a cock of the highest order. If YOU want the baby then continue but prepare for single motherhood. You got this.
Contraception wasnt just your responsibility, he should have been using condoms if he really didnt want a baby instead of leaving it to you and blaming you. Put yourself and your baby first. Screw him.

Your relationship is over.

Make any choice based on that. There is no way you should try to make a relationship work with him, he has shown himself to be unpleasant and manipulative.

He is entirely unsuited to be a father.

Only have the termination if you dump him immediately and start looking for someone better. This man will never give you anything. Ever. No baby, no future. Write him off. Waste of your fertile years.

If your job is stressful, there will never be a good or right time to have a baby. Be wary of putting it off too many years because of your workload. You have a few years yet at 34, but it needs to be a definite goal all the same in order for you to get there and that has to be as much a priority as your career goals if you want to be a parent.

I don't think 34 = never have a termination. I had children much much older than that so that influences my thinking whereas someone who for example had IVF at 34 would feel strongly there was no time to waste.

So if you don't want to be shackled to this man or have a baby with him, then consider it. But get rid of him and don't look back.

And start Plan B.

I would also add though that if you keep it, then going it alone would be the way forward. Pregnancy and birth. You get a doula, you get a Nanny or childminder.

No name on the BC. It doesn't sound like he'd handle parental responsibility very well.

Ok, if you keep the baby he might not take on the role of "Daddy" and have caring responsibilities that are part of being in a couple with a child, but he will always be the biological father and he cannot escape from that fact (even if he denies it and refuses to contribute to it's welfare).

If want to be a mother: you're 34, possibly have fertility problems, and are about to be single again- you should consider the very real possibility that this will be the last baby you ever conceive.

If I was you, I would keep the baby and ditch the boyfriend.

But no one can answer for you. Do what feels right to you.

I agree with PP who said you need to make this decision on the basis that the relationship is over either way. Because he is a waste of your time and energy. And threatening suicide is an outrageously shitty, selfish thing to do. He’s a knob.

Your relationship has already broken up once and threatening suicide is just disgusting. It's all about him isn't it? But it's you that will have to go through the procedure if that's what you end up deciding. I would make a decision based solely on you and the baby, if you want it, if you feel ready for it, then you have it. He will either get on board or he won't.

Your relationship is over. It’s not workable. Please, please, please take him out the equation.

Do you want this child? That’s all that matters. He may be a shit or absent dad, he might get his shit together. Shit or absent dads can occur even when they are in happy relationships and the baby was planned.

He’s being a complete selfish man child. Threatening suicide just to manipulate you into having an abortion, how charming! Get rid of the man and consider yourself entirely. If you want that baby you have it! It sounds like you are pretty self sufficient anyway. Like PP said, if you have a stressful job you’ll never feel a ‘right time’ to have a baby. If it was me I’d have the baby and ditch the bloke. But I’m a complete stranger so please just judge the situation (taking your partner out of the question).

I agree with p.p

What ever you decide base it totally on you.

I presume he is early/mid 30s as well - old enough to have his shit tigether.

This man has shown his true colours, he isn't someone you want to build a life with, how can you trust him to look after you in sickness & health etc.

Also I relate to you on the career stuff. But if your work is like mine- there is no good time to have a baby, therefore any time is a good time to have a baby.

If you're going to be a single mum, my advice is to just get through the first 2-3 years and try not to worry about accumulating wealth or climbing the ladder. Hire a nanny, cleaner, whoever. Pay to work. Network on Mat leave. Keep your career alive.

Before you know it, your baby will be in school and you're career will have be waiting for you to conquer the world again.

I support the advice to take your partner out of the equation

Assume that the relationship is over (it sounds very precarious, even without the recent pregnancy issue)

Assume that he will have nothing to do with the baby

Be pleasantly surprised if in fact the three of you all come through as a happy family unit

Make the decision that is right for you, and you alone

The positives of work are you have just been promoted so now get a higher wage and with the same company so presumably you will be entitled to enhanced maternity leave/pay.

I agree with a PP to assume the relationship is over either way.

Hey OP - congratulations!

I think the most important thing is that whatever you decide, it is you who makes the decision. Don’t let his silly immature behaviour affect your decision. I agree with others who say this relationship is over, now you know you can get pregnant (even when trying not to!) you might decide to terminate this pregnancy and start a new relationship and get pregnant with someone else.

I’m 34, I had an abortion last year and am now happily pregnant. Abortions are not that bad. You are early and can take the early medical abortion route - I believe up to 8 weeks. It is not traumatic for most people and you have essentially a heavy period in your own home.

Whatever you decide, it should be your choice and not because of what he says.

Now the shock has worn off I feel that I want the child and am capable of looking after it well, albeit it will not be easy.

This jumped out at me from your post.

As others have said, take this bloke out of the equation. Do you want this baby or not on those terms? You’re 34. Not last chance saloon by any means, but approaching the point of declining fertility. In your shoes, if I thought that children were definitely something I wanted at some point, then I think I’d grasp the nettle now.

@NataliaOsipova ...... congratulations on your new journey :D eek

I’ve not read any replies but your OP and fuck him.

If you want this baby and don’t know if he will be on your life forever, keep it.

In fact if you did I’d say the same thing.

I was told I wouldn’t have them and just gave birth so that’s how I’m biased.

The things that spring out was th suicide thoughts.
Typical manipulation behaviour at its highest.

It’s the most shocking thing you can say, ‘if you do that I may/will kill myself.

And ex said that to me and by that stage I said ‘bye then don’t make a mess’

Sorry JMO

Thanks everyone. I'm fairly sure I want to keep it. And it has helped that my mum has offered to move in with me when I go back to work to help with it. I managed to have what I hope was a more reasonable discussion with my "partner" and he at least seems to recognise that having an abortion is not an easy process and I am likely going to have regrets if I don't keep this baby. I'm speaking to a counsellor tomorrow which will hopefully help me. My friends and family have all been very balanced and follow the consensus here that, if I want to keep it, keep it. I'm keeping away from him for a while to clear my thoughts as the pressure from him is affecting my ability to think straight and it's such a huge decision either way.

I was you at 35yo. I kept the baby and she's now a bouncing, gorgeous 7yo. I wil admit I am tired but happy with her and we have a good life. She's never met her Dad but she doesn't seem unduly affected at this stage. I explained that not everyone is ready to be a parent but I was and I love her to the moon and back. She is top of her class, kind and quirky and a wonderful daughter and definitely the best thing I've ever done.