He wants me to have an abortion

[Curlywurly1983]

I'm 34 and have very recently been promoted to a top tier work position in a very demanding and stressful profession.

I have found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. This wasn't planned and came as a shock, particularly as I had concerns about my fertility due to medical advice given in the past. I was also on the pill and using it correctly, although I have recently been unwell which may be the reason it wasn't effective.

Initially, I was feeling very stressed due to work, was exhausted and felt unwell and my initial reaction was that I couldn't keep it. I had a very low mood at the time due to relationship issues and work stress.

I have since had an early scan and saw it's heart beating. This has made me waver. Now the shock has worn off I feel that I want the child and am capable of looking after it well, albeit it will not be easy.

The problem is the father. It wasn't planned and he always said he wasn't sure he wanted children. We had been together for just over a year and he cheated on me (a kiss) and we broke up. I decided to forgive him and when it was conceived and ever since, things have been rocky. He is very immature and selfish and it is entirely possible that, whatever his reaction now, I may well have to raise the baby alone if I keep it, which will be a challenge due to my job and the fact I have no family living nearby.

However, he has made it very clear that he doesn't want it. He has only once expressed anger towards me. Otherwise he has been very depressed and unhappy. He said he will support me if I have it but he may resent me for it because he doesn't want it. He isn't sure whether our relationship will work with or without a baby but he says he is now fully committed to making it work but he can't promise the same if I keep it. He has even expressed suicidal thoughts if I keep it. He is very worried about how it will look to his friends and family it I keep it, he is worried that he won't feel anything towards the baby when it's born and is worried that our relationship wouldn't work out and he would end up having difficulty as a dad. He is also terrified of losing his independence. I don't know what he will do if I keep it and it may be that that ruins our relationship once and for all, which I don't really want as I do still love him.

I know my feelings are paramount but, although I want the baby and if he even expressed that he was ok with it I would keep it, I don't want him to be unhappy. I also don't want his negativity to make the scary experience of pregnancy even worse for me and I'm not sure I want this man in my life forever.

I don't know what to do and I wondered if anyone else had been in this position before? It is possible things could work out between us and he has said, if so, he would be happy to have a baby once we have at least experienced living together. Currently, we live apart. On the other hand, it's possible I could meet someone else and have a baby with someone who wants it and treats me better. It isn't essential that I have a baby now but I know I want one and, although I'm now not overly worried about getting pregnant again, I know that I may well regret the decision not to keep it. I'm also not sure if I can actually go through the abortion process. I am speaking to a counsellor next week but would be grateful for any insights.

The title of your post says it all.

Your comments are clear you want your baby. You've got this OP have confidence in yourself!!

Congratulations.
Becoming a mother is a wonderful thing.
Your career is clearly important to you and you have many years ahead to continue growing in your role and career. It's a juggling act for sure, but you can do both and be successful.

Your partner is not on the same wavelength as you, it might be best to end things now and simplify things for yourself and your child. It would be much harder to do it all ~plus~ support him while he is in a 'suicidal thoughts' place.

You'll meet someone at some point, when the time is right. Put yourself and the baby first, pregnancy is precious. Allow yourself to be happy about it if you want to be

Update - the "boyfriend's" family are now contacting me and pushing me to abort as he doesn't want it. The stress is just wearing me out and has made me so unwell. I don't think I can cope with 8 months of this.

I'm sorry to hear what you're being put through but (a) be grateful that you are now seeing his true colours and can make a decision about you and the baby without considering him; (b) it won't go on for 8 more months as you can't have an abortion after week 24 which is 6 months in - minor consolation; (c) you can always change your number or block their numbers on your phone and their contact on your media etc.

Honestly, I would block their numbers and prevent them from contacting you and have your baby. And I am fiercely pro choice and don't believe that 34 is an age to be over the hill in terms of having babies. I do believe though in reading your posts that this is something you want and that you are capable of looking after this child well given your mum's support and capable of providing for this child given your work. Congratulations on work promotion and baby. And sod him and his loony family.

Oh goodness, dump the man and keep the baby. And get someone to tell his family to get fucked! You can do this! He sounds like a selfish prick anyway, you will be better off without him and with your beautiful baby and great job.

Its your body and your choice. If he didnt want a baby he should have refrained from sex.

Depending on the nature of the messages from his family I would screenshot them, tell them not to contact me again. If they do go to the police.

Good luck

Oh my goodness OP, what a horrible bunch your 'bf' and his family are. Keep the messages but block them, if the harassment continues please consider reporting to the police. It sounds like you want this baby so keep it

@Curlywurly1983 keep YOUR baby and go no contact with him and his family... he and they don't love you if they think its acceptable to push you into something so drastic and heart breaking, there is no better feeling in this world than holding your own baby knowing this person will love you for the rest of your life!!!

Your relationship wont survive an abortion, trust me.... and this could be your only chance to have a baby.

Do what YOU want to do, do NOT let anyone else talk you into anything.

Oh & trust me, when you have the baby his family will all want to see the baby.. I would personally tell them all to go f*ck themselves 😁😁😁😁

Honestly. Break up with so called partner. Call the shots. Block his family, focus on your own.

You say you have decided to keep the baby so I won’t advise agains it.

However, bear in mind that, regardless of your (hopefully now) ex’s and his family's attitude NOW, they may change their mind and want to get involved in the baby’s life at some stage in the future.

Having a baby ties you to this man and this family, and doesn’t let you walk away with a clean break. Even if you accept no money and don’t put him on bc, it is his child and you may feel obliged to allow access. It’s a huge complication that you should steel yourself for.

Please cut contact with him and his family for a month.
You need time to think clearly about what you want.
Your relationship with him cannot survive this whatever decision you make.
There are so many children brought up in single families and they bring such joy and love. It will be hard but if you have your mum it will be made easier.
There are no wrong or rights here but make the decision on what is right for you.

@Curlywurly1983 how old is this guy? .. its crazy that his family are getting involved and speaking on his behalf, wth .. who does. t Definetly do as suggested .. screenshot texts and keep aside in case needed and then message both family and this "man" asking them to leave you alone now, screenshot this also then leave it, DONT BLOCK AT FIRST .. wait to see if they send messages after you have asked them to leave you alone, if they call/txt after asking to be left alone then screenshot that contact too THEN block because then you have proof of them trying to contact you even after having asked to be left alone which is what you would need if you wanted to file for harassment.

I know this can cause so much doubt in your mind as i had that pressure too but you really need to make YOUR choice from a clear peaceful mind, so as someone already mentioned give yourself that time first once you are being left alone, to gather your thoughts although it did seem you had your mind made up so just dont let anyone sway you as only you will be the one that has to go through with the process physically and mentally either way.

I was in your shoes 6 years ago. My boyfriend was clear he did not want children at that point; he was happy enjoying the freedoms of adulthood with me, and I have to admit I was too. He was not against having children ever, but felt it was just not yet time.

We both had good jobs, and it was not so much a financial concern, merely just a desire to get a bit more out of life before starting a next chapter (and children are certainly a next chapter; worse in some ways, better in others, but most certainly different).

I loved him. However somehow I felt I just had to have a child. This caused a lot of strain in our relationship, and on one of our better periods I accidentally on purpose overlooked adhering to my pill, whilst telling him I was taking it religiously.

The inevitable happened, and he was very upset that I had been economical with the truth. At the time I passed it off as his fault; he should have used a condom. However I was quite insistent he did not need to, assured him I was on my pill (and it had been only a few days since I took the last tablet). In hindsight I would probably have been reluctant to have had sex with him if he had insisted on protection, and I was certainly keen on having sex.

We tried to work through the news, but the acrimony was too much; the relationship broke down. I wavered but decided to keep it; very much a factor in the relationship ultimately failing.

To this day I cannot help but feel I made a more imperfect decision amongst imperfect options. One very much separates the feelings of love one has for ones child from ones objective feelings in hindsight, so my sentiments in no way undermine the love I feel for my daughter now and forever. However bringing her up as a single mum has been a struggle, and even at not-quite-five I can sense that she feels different, misses the father she hardly knows, and seeks a fatherly figure.

It is not as if I could never have had a family if I had waited a few years; fertility does decline after 35 on average, but there is great variability between individuals, and obviously solutions exist. What I would probably have however is a child with two parents who love it. Having no dad is not a barrier to a happy childhood, and having a bad dad is probably worse than having none at all. However having two loving parents is certainly the preferred situation, and if that is an option then it is not to be ignored.

Furthermore in a secure relationship I could give that child opportunities borne of financial means that I cannot give my daughter now, despite being on a high salary by national standards (full time day care still takes its toll). We do not starve; nonetheless, whatever we like to think in our more principled moments, life is hard if money is even somewhat tight. I won’t lie either; it has held me back professionally and financially.

Obviously there is always the question of “how do you know you would have found a new and loving relationship quickly enough with a man who wants children, if your boyfriend had decided he did not want kids after all once a few years had passed?”. Well at some point you have to trust yourself, your attractiveness to the opposite sex, and your control over fate. And of course, it is perfectly possible to find closure and happiness in childlessness, if that is the hand life eventually deals you (we have all met people who have).

It was a very difficult situation with no perfect solution, just options. I do feel today however that there was a better option available to me, and I took the more suboptimal of the choices.

All situations are different however.

If you want thr child you must have the child. But it's not selfish for him not to want the child. Just as it wouldn't be selfish for you not to want thr child.

His family shouldn't be contacting you, but because he is going to become a father against his strong wishes, they are likely concerned. Being a parent gives a lot of responsibility, physical, emotional, financial.

The relationship is over bar the co parenting. You will need to decide and tell him he will be a parent. You will also need to raise the child yourself. He's going to have to accept that in this scenario you get to call it. He then needs to decide to what extent he will be in the child's life, if it's just financial or will he attempt more. And he will need to do it without resenting you for it.

It's tough all round, but in this scenario, it is indeed your choice.

I would dump him and go no contact with him or his family. You don't need the stress x

I've reported his sister to the police. The abuse has turned into direct threats and when I block it I get a message from another number or another fake Facebook account. I think I'm going to wait to speak to the police and an abortion counsellor. I was sure I didn't want an abortion and I know his revolting family are now influencing me and I will hate myself if I have an abortion because of that. I think if I keep it I am probably going to have to keep the child a secret to keep it safe at this rate!!

Absolutely disgusting, they are awful :( .. it sounds as though you are doing all you can though, how are you feeling?

What awful people! I think there is a setting on FB that only allows messages from your friends, might be worth a look. I hope you're ok and that the police and councillors can offer some support. Xx

Oh sweetheart. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Please please do not force yourself through the abortion because of them, it sounds like something you will regret. Do keep it secret from them, if his family try to go through the courts to see the child you will have evidence if their unhinged behaviour. Did the police seem to take it seriously? I wish I could give you a very unmumsnetty hug

Oh lovely I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be so hard. No real advice here but follow your gut and don't be bullied into it. I was on the pill and also fell pregnant unexpectedly, we planned to abort as neither me or my partner were ready for a baby but I changed my mind as the date got closer. I had also been told I would struggle to get pregnant and I decided I couldn't risk this being my only chance of having a baby however unplanned. Luckily my partner has been supportive but I am so glad I didn't go through with the abortion because I would have always regretted it and now have a wonderful little boy who is my world. As long as you want this baby if the father isn't or doesn't have much involvement and you can cope with his family then I say keep. It's such a hard life changing decision to make.

@Curlywurly1983 keep all of the messages and tell them you are having an abortion... if they ever find out about the baby you have the messages to prove how abusive they were....

what horrific evil people! I'm so glad you've reported them to the police. Keep screenshots and records of everything you are sent. Block as much as you can and dont respond. Give anything they send you to the police. They will probably issue an harrassment warning and hopefully they will leave you alone. Focus on you and your baby. You can do this! Good to hear your mum is going to help you.

Op you clearly want this baby and can do it on your own, you are lucky to have your mother I had nobody when I found myself in the exact same situation at 36.

I cut all contact he made it clear he did not want it wanted me to abort my dd. She is the best thing that could have happened to me. He is not involved at all, I have met the best replacement ever who is a good father and partner.

I am not going to lie once I forgot about him and his family life was easy and stress free, did not go for child support or have him on the birth certificate. Never discussed him with dd and she has never asked.

Do not let them get to you, I wish I had more than 1 but fortunately she is my 1 blessing.

I had a baby on my own when I was young and very skint. You'll do great!!

Please don't put him in the birth certificate. Even if he does have a change of heart a few months from now just keep him at arms length and keep screenshooting and blocking all abusive messages.

His family are dicks what has he been telling them I can't think Of any adults who would find that behaviour acceptable.