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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

He wants me to have an abortion

76 replies

Curlywurly1983 · 19/01/2019 09:38

I'm 34 and have very recently been promoted to a top tier work position in a very demanding and stressful profession.

I have found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. This wasn't planned and came as a shock, particularly as I had concerns about my fertility due to medical advice given in the past. I was also on the pill and using it correctly, although I have recently been unwell which may be the reason it wasn't effective.

Initially, I was feeling very stressed due to work, was exhausted and felt unwell and my initial reaction was that I couldn't keep it. I had a very low mood at the time due to relationship issues and work stress.

I have since had an early scan and saw it's heart beating. This has made me waver. Now the shock has worn off I feel that I want the child and am capable of looking after it well, albeit it will not be easy.

The problem is the father. It wasn't planned and he always said he wasn't sure he wanted children. We had been together for just over a year and he cheated on me (a kiss) and we broke up. I decided to forgive him and when it was conceived and ever since, things have been rocky. He is very immature and selfish and it is entirely possible that, whatever his reaction now, I may well have to raise the baby alone if I keep it, which will be a challenge due to my job and the fact I have no family living nearby.

However, he has made it very clear that he doesn't want it. He has only once expressed anger towards me. Otherwise he has been very depressed and unhappy. He said he will support me if I have it but he may resent me for it because he doesn't want it. He isn't sure whether our relationship will work with or without a baby but he says he is now fully committed to making it work but he can't promise the same if I keep it. He has even expressed suicidal thoughts if I keep it. He is very worried about how it will look to his friends and family it I keep it, he is worried that he won't feel anything towards the baby when it's born and is worried that our relationship wouldn't work out and he would end up having difficulty as a dad. He is also terrified of losing his independence. I don't know what he will do if I keep it and it may be that that ruins our relationship once and for all, which I don't really want as I do still love him.

I know my feelings are paramount but, although I want the baby and if he even expressed that he was ok with it I would keep it, I don't want him to be unhappy. I also don't want his negativity to make the scary experience of pregnancy even worse for me and I'm not sure I want this man in my life forever.

I don't know what to do and I wondered if anyone else had been in this position before? It is possible things could work out between us and he has said, if so, he would be happy to have a baby once we have at least experienced living together. Currently, we live apart. On the other hand, it's possible I could meet someone else and have a baby with someone who wants it and treats me better. It isn't essential that I have a baby now but I know I want one and, although I'm now not overly worried about getting pregnant again, I know that I may well regret the decision not to keep it. I'm also not sure if I can actually go through the abortion process. I am speaking to a counsellor next week but would be grateful for any insights.

OP posts:
starzig · 23/01/2019 23:01

They sound awful. You need to ditch him and his family. Unfortunately if uou have the baby you will be tied to this horrible family forever. This is something that you need to consider too.

CoachBombay · 23/01/2019 23:09

My advice would be as follows;

At 34 I would keep the baby, even without fertility issues, naturally your fertility will begin to decline over the next few years.

I would ditch the boyfriend, he sounds like an absolute wanker. He's only interested in himself and what he wants. Fuck him.

I would change my.phone number if possible so nobody could contact me who I didn't want to, and change my social media settings so nobody could DM me.

Your mum seems to have offered you a great help, embrace it, embrace your baby and motherhood.

Fuck him, fuck his family and enjoy yours 😉

notapizzaeater · 23/01/2019 23:13

Woke what a lovely family. I'd ditch him and go it alone.

Consider though that his family could be in you and your child's life for the next 18 years

glitterfarts · 23/01/2019 23:23

I think I'd change my phone number, and possibly move house and never see the BF again. What a bunch of psycho's.

Do NOT name the father on the birth certificate - he'd be awful.

I think it sounds very clear that you wish to keep your baby - and that is a decision only you can make. But don't feel pressured by his family and him - take the time to decide what YOU want.

Original poster
Curlywurly1983 · 29/01/2019 20:00

Thank you all for your advice and support. You have been amazing! I reported the sister to the police and she is getting a harassment notice. Have booked a medical abortion in a few days and my mum is coming to stay. Still undecided. I've written a list of reasons to keep it and not keep it and it's pretty 50/50. The main factor against is that it will mean I will potentially have him and his awful family in my life forever. It's such an impossible decision. I really don't know what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curlywurly1983 · 09/02/2019 19:33

Update: it looks like fate has played a hand! I went for a medical abortion but bottled it on the day and the midwife told me to take more time. I then panicked about having a baby on my own and rebooked. However, they couldn’t do the abortion because my pulse was far over 100. My pulse has continued to be over 100. I was secretly pleased as I wanted anything to stop me from doing it. I’m still panicking, and all the stress - particularly dealing with the behaviour of him and his family - has made me unwell and is ironically probably responsible for my high pulse. However, I’ve decided that at 9 weeks I’m not willing to have an abortion even if my pulse goes below 100. So the baby is staying. Now trying to feel better so I can get back to work and get my life on track. In the meantime, I’ve told him I’m keeping it. He has gone into meltdown. Not sure what will happen on that front but I’m expecting the absolute worst. Really need to focus on myself now and I’ve told him that, if I’m keeping it, it’s in his interests and the baby’s interests that I keep stress to a minimum and am as happy and healthy as possible for the next 7 months.

OP posts:
myotherbagisgucci · 09/02/2019 19:40

Thank you for updating OP! I'm glad you've decided not to go through with the abortion, and by the sounds of it, baby wants to stay too!

Maybe if the "dad" doesn't want the baby, you can cut contact and just focus on you, your baby and your health! Xx

Sonicknuckles · 09/02/2019 19:52

Jesus you poor thing. I think your boyfriend and his family are being unbelievable selfish and out of order. Yes it wasn't planned but the reality is having sex can cause pregnancy and he knows that as well as you do. I believe things happen for a reason and baby is meant to be here. Good luck

WhiteWashGails · 09/02/2019 19:55

Glad your keeping your baby!!!!!! I’m so happy for you. Cake

GabbyGal · 09/02/2019 20:10

You sound incredibly strong with all you’ve had to deal with. I’m really happy that you’ve made the right decision for you, you can do this! x

Petitprince · 09/02/2019 20:52

Congratulations! I'd have done the same thing.
Well done for resisting such pressure.
You don't have to have anything to do with him or his family. They are panicking because they realise he will have a financial responsibility for 18 years.
But they don't have the connection to the baby you have.
You will be a great mum and you don't need him.

Hevz2121 · 09/02/2019 21:01

Congratulations! And what a terrible situation to be in mentally I have been there when I found I was pregnant my partner at the time demanded I abort her and I very nearly did with the emotional and hormonal in balance I was a mess but I couldn’t go through with it as soon as i saw her on the scan it just wasn’t an option and luckily he came round and begged me not to do it ! Maybe that’s what he needs a little time to get used to it or fall in love with it like you on the other hand it’s not his body ! And it’s completely up to you and no one else if he’s really not down for it and isn’t going to change or be supportive you can do it alone ! It really doesn’t make a difference I have for 5 years now and I wouldn’t have it any other way (anyway men Make it harder too haha )

stroppyemotionalmess · 09/02/2019 21:36

Congratulations!

It’s fate. And fuck him. You can do this. Mumsnet has your back Grin

Angelmiracle · 09/02/2019 23:44

Congratulations @Curlywurly1983 to you and your little baby!! Well done staying strong 💕

Helsvamp · 10/02/2019 08:00

I would keep it and end it with him he is blackmailing you so that means he don't love you. My first bf blackmailed me into taking morning after pill. As condom broke , and was our first time. Now I wish I never listened As dumped me after any way

cushioncuddle · 10/02/2019 09:29

Congratulations.
I'm so pleased Faye helped play a part on a decision I think you wanted to take.
All the best to you and your baby.

Rainbowbabyc · 14/02/2019 01:42

My partner was the same he said it was him or the baby and wouldn't speak to me for a few weeks, he was in shock and was certain he didn't want the baby..

I'm now 15 weeks and we are stronger than ever and he is so excited to meet the baby and he's a completely different person.

Sometimes it's shock making them selfish but the main thing is make the decision on what you want! I was fully prepared to go through this single and I am so glad I didn't get a abortion x

Karigan195 · 14/02/2019 09:48

1)You clearly want this baby.
2) At 34 who is to say that you will meet the right person in time to try again in the future.
3) bearing in mind you obviously want the baby if he forces an abortion on you can you realistically see your relationship surviving anyway?? Not sure I’d forgive him myself.
4) you’ve got a good job and your mums going to help. You can do this
5) it’s your body!!!!

Against:

Manchild is worried about his independence and is trying to emotionally manipulate you into it...

Um easy calculation really.

madcatladyforever · 14/02/2019 09:53

If you really want the baby then have it, you don't necessarily need the father if you don't think he will be a good role model for your child.
My friend recently had a baby on her own at 40 and intends going back to work. She always wanted a baby but not the husband.
I brought up my son alone as well and worked full time in the medical profession.
You can do whatever you want these days.

Original poster
Curlywurly1983 · 02/08/2019 22:22

Hi ladies, thanks for all your support. Just thought I would give an update. I’m now 35 weeks and baby is being induced early for health reasons so will be here imminently. Pregnancy has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. The dad decided initially he was going to disappear and told me not to contact him. Then he reappeared. It’s been up and down since. We are not back together and I’ve had a tough few months dealing with intermittent crap from him as he still clearly resents me. On the plus side his family have steered totally clear and I’ve only had contact with one of his friends. We still see each other regularly, go to dinner together etc, and he is usually very affectionate but is insisting he doesn’t want to be a family and wants to keep his involvement limited as he is worried he won’t bond with baby, he won’t enjoy spending time with a newborn and she will cry when he picks her up. And he makes the point repeatedly that he doesn’t want to be pushed into anything 🙄 He is coming to the birth, which is fine as I’ve organised an amazing doula. I’m really hoping he realises that she is lovely when she is here and loves her but I know I need to have no hopes or expectations there. Just finished work today so looking forward to getting everything ready for baby and having a rest! My mum will come to stay when she is born and the doula will help out so I won’t be reliant on him for much, so he can hopefully just deal with his emotions over it all his own way. My life would be a million times easier if he fell in love with her quickly! But I’ve tried my best to give her a real dad and have had to deal with a lot of crap as a result but at least I have nothing to regret. He has had every chance and I will give him the chance to bond with her and change his attitude regarding the whole thing when she is here. Should add that he understands that his sister will never meet his daughter.

OP posts:
Ginmonkey84 · 02/08/2019 22:35

Good luck hope everything goes well x

Starlight84 · 02/08/2019 22:51

@Curlywurly1983 my partner wanted me to abort and I said I wouldn’t and couldn’t! He since made it clear he wants no part and I’m now 17+3 with a baby boy!

He’s not been in touch with me at all and I haven’t him! I took the decision to go it alone and that is what I’ll be doing!

Life is full of what ifs but I think you do want this baby and you should go with how you feel and what you want. I thought my relationship is over either way because I couldn’t have aborted and stayed with him because I’d feel hate and resent towards him!

While I am slowly coming to terms I know I’ve got a tough journey ahead. I’ve got to have another section and be on my own and I have children aged 11 and nearly 14 to consider! I’m hoping he will complete us and be the only man I ever needed in my life haha!! Xx

Starlight84 · 02/08/2019 22:53

@Curlywurly1983 sorry I didn’t realise this post was from so long ago! Sorry! I’m glad to see you continued with the pregnancy! Wow! 35 weeks! I hope everything goes really well for you xx

julensaor · 02/08/2019 23:48

Really wish you well OP and no matter happens the love of your life will be in your arms soon. Fair play to you for keeping the door open for him to have a relationship with his child and I think you know, don't carry him any further at this point.

julensaor · 02/08/2019 23:49

Do give us an update when she is born!

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