He wants me to have an abortion

[Curlywurly1983]

I'm 34 and have very recently been promoted to a top tier work position in a very demanding and stressful profession.

I have found out I am 6 weeks pregnant. This wasn't planned and came as a shock, particularly as I had concerns about my fertility due to medical advice given in the past. I was also on the pill and using it correctly, although I have recently been unwell which may be the reason it wasn't effective.

Initially, I was feeling very stressed due to work, was exhausted and felt unwell and my initial reaction was that I couldn't keep it. I had a very low mood at the time due to relationship issues and work stress.

I have since had an early scan and saw it's heart beating. This has made me waver. Now the shock has worn off I feel that I want the child and am capable of looking after it well, albeit it will not be easy.

The problem is the father. It wasn't planned and he always said he wasn't sure he wanted children. We had been together for just over a year and he cheated on me (a kiss) and we broke up. I decided to forgive him and when it was conceived and ever since, things have been rocky. He is very immature and selfish and it is entirely possible that, whatever his reaction now, I may well have to raise the baby alone if I keep it, which will be a challenge due to my job and the fact I have no family living nearby.

However, he has made it very clear that he doesn't want it. He has only once expressed anger towards me. Otherwise he has been very depressed and unhappy. He said he will support me if I have it but he may resent me for it because he doesn't want it. He isn't sure whether our relationship will work with or without a baby but he says he is now fully committed to making it work but he can't promise the same if I keep it. He has even expressed suicidal thoughts if I keep it. He is very worried about how it will look to his friends and family it I keep it, he is worried that he won't feel anything towards the baby when it's born and is worried that our relationship wouldn't work out and he would end up having difficulty as a dad. He is also terrified of losing his independence. I don't know what he will do if I keep it and it may be that that ruins our relationship once and for all, which I don't really want as I do still love him.

I know my feelings are paramount but, although I want the baby and if he even expressed that he was ok with it I would keep it, I don't want him to be unhappy. I also don't want his negativity to make the scary experience of pregnancy even worse for me and I'm not sure I want this man in my life forever.

I don't know what to do and I wondered if anyone else had been in this position before? It is possible things could work out between us and he has said, if so, he would be happy to have a baby once we have at least experienced living together. Currently, we live apart. On the other hand, it's possible I could meet someone else and have a baby with someone who wants it and treats me better. It isn't essential that I have a baby now but I know I want one and, although I'm now not overly worried about getting pregnant again, I know that I may well regret the decision not to keep it. I'm also not sure if I can actually go through the abortion process. I am speaking to a counsellor next week but would be grateful for any insights.

Hi everyone, baby is now here so thought I would give an update and get your thoughts. Baby’s dad was hostile regarding the baby all throughout my pregnancy but on occasion could be nice to me and there was a bit of a limbo situation where he was staying over and we were going out fairly regularly but weren’t back together, which was total shit for me but I was lonely and was holding out hope that we could eventually be a family.

He came to the birth at my insistence and was crying and seemed fairly besotted with the baby from then on. He sees her twice a week when we basically act like a family but we still are not back together. We haven’t slept together since she was born and he has point blank refused to stay overnight to help me at any point, saying he “didn’t think it was appropriate”, although it seemed perfectly fine to him when I was pregnant and there were no night feeds to be had...

He is still trying to hang that golden carrot of being a family in front of me and keeps saying he isn’t ready for things “at the moment”.

Throughout, I have sent him photos of the baby daily. He has now gone on a three week holiday with his mates which he booked while I was pregnant. Baby had her first jabs the morning of his flight and he knew about this. Four days later, he still hasn’t been in contact to check how she is.

I refused to put his name on the birth certificate but said I may be willing to put his name on at a later date if I feel he can be trusted to put her best interests first. As a result he has refused to make any further financial contribution until she is registered in his name.

I’m going to have to formally go through the child support service, which I think will be the final nail in the coffin for any chance of us reconciling. Honestly, I don’t feel like he genuinely loves the baby. I’m sure he thinks she is cute and he is proud of how beautiful and lovely she is but whenever he isn’t physically in the room with her he just forgets about her. He has asked how she is twice in the 11 weeks she has been here.

I’ve decided that I’m no longer sending him his daily updates as I want to see what effort he actually makes when they are taken away.

Honestly, I have no idea what to do. I’m trying to keep things nice. I had suggested we do lots of nice things over Christmas and said he could come to see her over Christmas while I’m at my parents, but he has no interest at all. He said “it doesn’t matter, I’ll see her when she gets back”.

I can’t do 18 years of this I’m afraid. All along I thought it was going to be all or nothing and sadly I am still of that view. He is breadcrumbing his newborn daughter and it’s gross. If I hadn’t insisted otherwise, he wouldn’t have been at the birth and he would have seen her once every week or two weeks. He has never had her on her own, never changed her clothes, refuses to change her nappy. Just has a cuddle with her and sometimes gives her a bath at my request. That’s it. I would rather meet a nice man to be her step dad, even though that would be tough short term.