Am I being stupid?

[gemmaaaxxx]

I'm pregnant, i live with my mother in law and partner, my partner is 22. I'm 20. He doesn't work. And I'm not at work due to a broken arm. I'm on universal credit. So only get a little bit a month to live on, I'm assuming his mum claims housing benefits for me. She must do. Yet she wants my money from universal credit, leaving me with £40 to live on, buy myself baby bits, and maternity clothes, and food, and other bits. Am I being stupid by arguing against this? Or does she have a right? Surely she would be saying her son needs to work and help provide (I'm looking for a small job) before I go on maternity leave. Ladies am I being overthinking about this? Because it's starting to bring me down.

Over a year now.

Yes it was planned.

You WANTED a baby knowing your DP has no job and is on benefits ? Sounds great

Get yourself to the council they will put you in a woman's shelter and on the housing list... she has the right to charge you to live in her home, are you using her gas electric water ? Is she feeding you ??

If you partner is on PIP he must be on ESA to ? And disabled ???? So he must be on a good amount of cash. Sounds like she's using him.

You can apply for a grant from the government it's £500 FOR the baby, don't tell your partner or anyone actually and just buy everything for the baby when it comes through !!

Yes he's on esa, he's got adhd.

Sounds like financial abuse, does your partner's disability make him more vulnerable to financial abuse?

Good god woman why on earth did you think this was a good idea?

Anyway it might not be fair of her to ask but the world doesn't have to be fair does it?

She's asking for money, you can say no and either she kicks you out or makes your life miserable or you say yes and have no money. If he is giving her the money through allowing her to use his cards then he is doing it willingly and that is also legal.

Possibly if you go to the council they may help but you will be voluntarily homeless as you are choosing to leave so they may not.

You need to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau. He is being a lazy man-child because he wants him mums comfy house and can't be arsed to stand up to her or get a job....

What do you want us to tell you?

She tells him he can't work more than 16 hours a week. Cause he's I'll... but he's fine to me?

Well there’s little point us questioning why you thought having a baby with a jobless bloke who lets his mum run his life was a good idea, as the baby is on the way. Time for the three of you to sit down and have an adult conversation about money. If you still think she’s asking too much you can approach your local council and go on the housing list, or maybe move back in with family?

When did you stop working and what were you giving her for your board then?

When you moved in, you and your DP must have discussed money with his mum, how much, how often, what it would cover.

When you planned to have this baby, you and your DP must have discussed how you’d pay for it, where the three of you would live?

I was paying 400 rent. Before I broke my arm

@gemmaaaxxx THAT is ridiculous ! You would be better of getting your own council flat! You will get the rent paid and you bills and food would be less than that a month ! (Depending were you live)

Okay, so she was probably relying on that money.

When will you be earning again?

I mean there's not much we can tell you.

You planned a pregnancy with someone who doesn't work, has no income to support a child (or any intention of doing so), and while living with his mother. I can't imagine the current state of affairs comes as a surprise.

You have two options: try to sort this mess out and forget about him and his mother, or stay living in this weird dysfunctional relationship/situation with your unemployed partner and survive on whatever you have left after you pay his mother.

You seem hung up on this issue of his mum having/taking his money, but that's totally irrelevant. The issue is that he has no interest in supporting you or standing up for you or his child. It's unlikely that he was partner of the year material before you got pregnant, so you shouldn't be too surprised by the way things are turning out. But you have to help yourself and not blame his mother for the fact you've done a rather silly thing and got into a pretty dire situation. You have to take things into your own hands and sort them, because no one else is going to do that for you. You aren't just responsible for yourself now: you have to get down to CAB and see how you can get out of this mess.

I really can't get my head around why you would plan to have a baby but not plan how you would support the baby and yourselves financially first. Never mind things like a house and all that.

And I can't get my head around why you don't have a plan now?
Me and my OH had a rough plan, and then when we found out I was pregnant we started putting things into place. I'm only 9 weeks... And we have everything sorted apart from actually buying the things...and we wasn't even properly trying.

Does he have any other diagnoses? I understand esa/pip would be unusual for a primary dx of ad he.

You do understand that he is claiming fraudulently, as are you, because as a couple you should be putting on a joint claim. At some stage the dwp will tie this together.

It was planned? I’m sorry but what the actual fuck were you thinking? This is such a bizarre and unhealthy situation and I can’t believe you planned to bring a baby in to it when you have nowhere to live and no money.

This poor, poor baby.

The fact that you thought this was a perfectly fine situation to bring a baby into surely shows how un ready you are. THIS is the best you can do for a father and role model for your child?

Heart breaks for this baby and the life YOU have chosen for it.

Can't you go and live with your mum, this sounds like a ridiculous situation and if it were me I'd be trying to leave that house ASAP!
You have a man who doesn't have a backbone and his mum who's asking for money (which is fair enough) but leaving you with 40 quid is unreasonable.

Refuse to pay her, she will then ask you to leave and then you'll have grounds to go to the council and say you're being made unintentionally homeless and are pregnant.

Seriously honey, this family doesn't sound like a family you want to join. Get out. They are trash.

Starting to think this is a fake posy

@mama1DC either that or a very one sided account of what's going on. Very selective on which questions get answered.

Don’t make excuses for him by blaming his mum for why he doesn’t do this, that or the other.

He’s an adult and needs to start acting like one, his mother may well be a nightmare but she’s putting a roof over your head, I could never live somewhere and expect not to contribute.

It’s probably best to see if you can get yourself on to a waiting list for a council house, would probably do your partner some good to let go of the apron strings and for you both to live independently.

Good luck OP.

My brother has ADHD, dyspraxia and dyslexia.

He works 60 hours a week at least to provide for his little girl, pay bills, run a car and pay rent and he still has to pay a good proportion of his earnings in tax to fund people like your boyfriend. Get shot of him, no excuses!

Some people just really make me believe in forced sterilisation.

Op you really do need to face your responsibilities here for your baby's sake or things will only get worse.

People with adhd are known to make impulsive decisions so although your baby was planned it does not mean that he was ready to face up to the responsibility of being a family.

People aren't trying to be mean but you don't sound like you can see the wood from the trees and you need to make decisions to make things easier for you and baby.