Visitors after birth

[Lacey31]

DH and I are expecting our first child and have in laws round the corner and my parents a 5 hour drive away. My parents are easy going and flexible and will do whatever so if I say come down straight away they will, or they'll happily wait a few days to visit. The in laws will want to be there as much as possible I fear.

Can anyone advise me how soon they felt ok for people to visit the baby? Even if just popping in for a few hours?

I honestly think it depends on the relationship you have with each set of parents. My parents were both deceased by the time I had my children, and truthfully my in laws weren't really bothered one way or another. My sisters were heavily involved and still are, but the inlaws are still fairly distant - by choice. Only you know what your comfort level is, go with that.

I thought I was happy to have visitors and allowed people to come on the first full day home and others came during the week. I then got really overwhelmed and felt like I'd done too much and was exhausted. Also a couple of times people would point out things about my daughter that I hadn't noticed yet and I got really upset by it all. Silly but I was hormonal and recovering from a c-section and trying to check breastfeeding!! Just try keep it to a minimal whatever you do..

Honestly take no notice of what anyone else thinks, including your DH. Birth is a huge big deal and recovery, bonding, feeding the baby afterwards are the number one. Mum and baby.

I get the impression you feel your in laws might be intrusive. In that case, let them have a quick visit as soon as you are able. But put them off for frequent visits after until you can cope with it.

You don’t know how you will feel. I was in hospital for a week and my baby in the icu, and yet family members were around so often and I’d have to come downstairs in my nighty mid feed, hardly able to move around, having relations pick the baby up and jiggle it like a can of fizzy pop. Looking back I wish I’d told them all to wait a few weeks. Yes they might be excited, but any person with any consideration will acknowledge that it’s okay for us to call the shots. But I felt ‘under pressure’ so I just gave in.

I loved having everyone (Both mine and DHs parents and my brother) around me for a short visit when DD1 was born. She was born in the morning and they came at visiting time (about 2?) for just under an hour. Everyone came to our house the next day when she came home and DH cooked food for everyone. I got to shower with lots of hands to hold her. DH has help putting the Moses basket together. We had lots of offers to pop to the shops for stuff we needed.

When DD2 was born at hom, my mum and dad we’re upstairs with DD1 and well, it was a small house, everyone was around at some point as the only loo was downstairs. Mum and DD1 saw DD2 briefly before the placenta was out and Dad came to watch her be weighed and held her as the midwives did paperwork and DH made tea and toast. It was a really special time for everyone. In laws came a couple of days later because of other stuff going on in the family and I asked to have a quiet day on the day that she was born as we had DD1 to look after too. I had straight forward births, so I can understand wanting some time if you’re not feeling well afterwards.

I loved having my family around and they loved meeting the newest members of the family so soon after being born. My brother cried when he held Dd1, I’ve never seen him cry as an adult. Everyone respected our space and understood that visits were short and that we needed help.

My circumstances are somewhat different in that my DD was born 14 weeks premature and spent the first 3 months of her life on a neonatal unit, her life hanging in the balance for much of that time.

My parents and my two closest friends visited the day after her birth and my in-laws visited the day after that.

It was hugely important to us to have their moral support and practical help at such a crucial time.

Grandparents visited in the afternoon after bubs was born (born at 11ish).
I didn't tell anyone except super close family and friends until bubs was 2 weeks old and anyone who had not had a whooping cough Vax was not allowed to visit until after bubs had the 1st vax at 6 weeks old.

Each to their own but I wasn't going to hand my bub over to people just because they have some of the same blood running through their veins as hubby and I until baby had some protection of their own.

I don’t think people should get negative comments for wanting to wait until they get visitors. Everyone is in a different situation and it’s important that you feel comfortable about it. You’re lucky if you have a set up where it’s easy to have visitors.

My parents live a 7 hour drive away. It’s not like they can pop in. We live in a 2 bedroom flat, so they would stay with us and be there all the time. My mum expects to be waited on hand and foot and causes a lot of arguments, so I am not comfortable with her staying.

I really wish it wasn’t the case and that i was more comfortable with it, but I’m not. It’s me and DH’s first baby and I am putting us three first!

With DS1, MIL met him at 2 hours old. She was away with work for 6 weeks from the following day so we wanted her to meet him. DM was at the birth. My dad, DB and GP met DS1 the next day, it was the only time I ever saw my frail granny run anywhere, charging down the ward with her face lit up it was wonderful.

With DS2, MIL again came the same day due to work. Again, happy to see her. DM was babysitting DS1, so brought him to meet his brother after he finished school. Rest of the family met DS2 within 2 weeks.

I know many people like to wait weeks before family meets baby, and I respect that, but it's just not our way.

It's certainly up to you and how you and baby are feeling. I hope you have the confidence and courage to do what is right for you and your baby. I fall in to the category of "not wanting to appear rude" and "eager to please" which meant I had a steady stream of visitors when, in retrospect, I shouldn't have had.

If I did this again I would have the grandparents and that's probably it. All others to stay clear for a few weeks and certainly no unannounced visitors. I couldn't establish breastfeeding with the unannounced visitors landing at the door. 4 months later I still find it quite upsetting the audacity and ignorance of some of our visitors. My fault for not wanting to offend. I read a good blog which I wish I'd have found beforehand. But lots of good advice.

Link below, wishing you all the very best xxx

www.lifewithmylittles.com/visitors-after-birth/

Just be conscious of getting rest and get other people to fit in with what you need, particularly if you have your own health issues to attend to. I had an emergency section and was glad of the help in hospital, however I felt very crowded in after I got home. My mum would NOT stop texting/ ringing me, and kept waking me up... My husband asked her to cool it a bit, so she started sending emails instead and messaging every half hour to ask what I was doing.. it was very stressful when I'd had little sleep.

Being immobile, I also found people would come and take the baby off me, or say things like 'oh dear, is mummy too tired to look after you?' etc etc. I didn't have the strength to say or do anything about it. That was very hard. And my MIL made a comment about my baby's appearance as a newborn which was made in passing but still upsets me now.

This time, my son will come to the hospital before everyone else, and grandparents will then have to pre-book time with baby rather than ringing and turning up on a whim all the time.

If you have a close relationship with your family, you will probably be more comfortable putting them in their place than I am!

The absolute priority is you bonding with the baby, establishing feeding and recovering from the birth. If you can see people as well as doing that, then that's great.
I wouldn't have wanted people coming to see me in hospital after labour and c-section any more than I would have wanted a stripper to visit my bedside! Just not the time and the place.

well with 2 of my births my DM was at the delivery, in fact I think she was the first to hold my DS so she saw them as soon as they entered the world! My DPs parents were deceased but his family were very soon to visit. With my DD she was 8 weeks premature, again my DM was at the delivery as I was induced with preeclampsia, I stayed in hospital 3 weeks with my DD in special care. My DPs family were told not to visit until we were home, so imagine my horror to walk into special care unit and there was my SIL coughing and spluttering with my 3 pound baby girl in her arms! I was furious with the nurses as they allowed this without checking. I was very overprotective because of her size but also because my SIL was unwell and infectious. TBF my DP wasnt pleased either, this was in 1995 and the hospital has closed, so I hope things are more secure now.

A lot of people (big family) came the day I came out of hospital. Of course it’s exciting for them and they all were dying to see the baby. But it can be quite overwhelming. The whole experience of both is surreal anyway and your still recovering. I remember that I was very irritable and didn’t appreciate it when my mum told me to do something s certain way. I think I was in that kind of mood for a couple of weeks after. But once I had settled a bit I didn’t mind so much. Its a personal thing and to be honest I didn’t even realise I would have felt like that until it happened.

I had No 1 in a Navy hospital, at one point on the day after there were 12 people in my 'cabin', all friends not family except OH, lots of bottles of the alcohol variety, great afternoon.

“A few hours”? Wow! Tell your in laws, they can visit at a time to suit you (the day after you come home or when ever suits) they can bring dinner, they can brew their own cuppa and wash the cups and they can stop for 45 minutes or 30 minutes.

Dc born on Sunday night, after a 48 hour labour. My parents were chomping on the bit to come and visit, but they lived 3 hours from the hospital and I didn’t want visitors in the hospital. I was a terrible patient, I didn’t want to be there, I was tired, grumpy and wanted to go home, so dc and I could be with dh. Having my parents there would not have helped those feelings. I was finally discharged on the Wednesday and my parents came that day. They were really helpful, bought food, cooked, tidied, washed up, made tea and we’re generally helpful.

In laws came on the Friday, bringing sil and 2 small nieces to our tiny house. Within half an hour of them arriving, it was clear they were not bothered about visiting dh and I (I knew this would be the case) and only wanted to pass the baby between themselves. They did nothing to help, dh waited on them all day, because they were holding the baby and so couldn’t do anything else.

And then they wondered why we held them off visiting fro a few extra days when we had dc2 and 3. When you visit a family with a new baby, you should be pleased to see the parents too and do as much as you can to help them out (chores wise), not just to hold the baby.