Visitors after birth

[Lacey31]

DH and I are expecting our first child and have in laws round the corner and my parents a 5 hour drive away. My parents are easy going and flexible and will do whatever so if I say come down straight away they will, or they'll happily wait a few days to visit. The in laws will want to be there as much as possible I fear.

Can anyone advise me how soon they felt ok for people to visit the baby? Even if just popping in for a few hours?

DD was born around 9.30am, though obv placenta afterwards and then I had a lot of stitches as I had an episiotomy. I felt rough as fuck cos I had a ventouse delivery and had taken diamorphine and then found the stitching extremely painful, and my labour was like 30 hours long, I had been up since 4am the day before. I had tea and toast, had a shower etc before we called anyone to let them know. I think I called my parents around 12 or 1pm around the time our lunch arrived and we were still waiting to be moved to the ward. I told a white lie that I didn't know how soon we'd be moving to the ward and the next visiting time started at 2pm or something so deliberately put them off coming then as I wanted to have a nap first as was so tired and in pain etc. So they came to the next ward visiting hours which I think was 6-8pm but I think they stayed an hour? I had a side-room with DH had a camp bed too, but it was tiny so there was really nowhere to sit or anything, they had to stand or sit on the end of the beds. I was discharged around lunchtime the next day and my DB and DM came to pick us up and take us to our flat as neither of us drive, and they stayed with us in our flat a bit. Then we started telling everyone else as we hadn't told anyone else except them and BIL. And gradually got a stream of visitors over the coming weeks. Most people only stayed for a couple of hours max so it was nice to see people and we got loadssss of gifts. But I was adamant that I didn't want any hospital visitors other than my own parents, DB, DSis and BIL and his wife (although they showed no interest in coming to visit us in hospital, fair enough), because I was in skimpy PJs (middle of the heat wave), bleeding heavily, in severe pain so unable to walk properly or sit properly, exhausted, and trying to establish breastfeeding which I found painful and difficult to get comfy doing. DH's dad is NC with him and DH has a very difficult relationship with his DM btw so if I had decent in-laws I'm sure I wouldn't have minded them visiting in hospital too. I think a lot of it depends on the relationships you have with people and also what kind of visitors they are. DM and DB came almost every day in the early weeks and they watched the baby so we could nap for an hour, they emptied the dishwasher, brought us meals, etc, they were absolute lifesavers.

DS was born at 2.30am, my mum and auntie popped in when visiting started at 2pm, & then we had my mum again (bringing my husbands daughter to meet her brother) my Nan & my brother & his partner that evening. We were released the next day and arrived home about 4pm and had my parents and in-laws pop in. Though the next morning we were in the pub having breakfast as I was starving having not really eaten during our stay and was already climbing the walls being in. So we then had loads of friends family and so on. I loved it and am usually quite reserved and quiet. My husband went back to work when he was 5 days old and had to go overnight for 3 days when he was a week old so the daytime trickle of visitors was a godsend to be honest. Everyone was polite, no one outstayed their welcome & often came with food parcels! But as I said I get really fed up being in so we had lots of nice lunches out etc. I loved showing off my beautiful brand new baby & so many kind comments from the older generation who really loved seeing him when we were out

Both sets of parents saw my DC within 2 hours of their births. I couldn’t wait to show them off. That was normal and natural to me though. Yes I was tired but very very happy and proud to introduce my babies to the wider family x

Can anyone advise me how soon they felt ok for people to visit the baby? Even if just popping in for a few hours?

Quite often you don’t have a choice, unless you are ok with point blank telling people to go away.

I was in hospital 3 days. My mum practically set up camp outside the ward ready for visiting hours. She’d travelled 4 hours so couldn’t really tell her to fuck off. That meant mil and fil felt it was fine to pop in at visiting time too, they brought the other grandchildren who “wanted to see the baby”. Again, am i supposed to tell a 5 year old to go away?

Possibly if you’re at home it might be easier to manage- although mil still came round every day as she knew i’d be at home and brought a variety of friends to pass the baby round, but people seem to think “visiting hours” means that is when they can visit, permission is implicit.

You’re knackered, you have no clue what’s normal, and you don’t want to start ww3 with well meaning people who bring presents by telling them no, they can’t see the baby, they have to go away. I just didn’t have the energy.

I found visits a bit awkward in the first few days and even weeks as I was in pain, breastfeeding wasn't coming easy and I was really tired after pregnancy, delivery and sleepless nights after the delivery. DD fed at random times and for 40 minutes at a time, and it was really painful which made me cry during feeds and after. So I wasn't very keen on visitors at all also because it was impossible to say when would a good time for them to visit. If I have another baby, I will tell people before the baby arrives they are welcome to visit at least 2 weeks after.

Dd was born at 10am by elective caesarean and was whisked away for a couple of hours. After a couple of hours together I was texting immediate family to ask them to visit. They were a bit reluctant and telling me to rest but I was desperate for them to meet dd.

I had people come and visit me at the hospital and the day after I came home. I’ve been pretty inundated with visitors which has been lovely but a little exhausting too. I’m moving away from home in the next few months and will miss having people around me.

My first baby was a very traumatic delivery - I had a crash c-section and was in hospital for a week. I came home on the Saturday and my mil (without checking with me first) came down with my fil for the whole of Sunday. We had a dog, so they decided we would all walk the dog. I agreed, it was nice to get fresh air. My mil then took the pram and walked super fast (I couldn’t walk fast then due to recovery) for 2 miles. I remember just wanting the pram (and baby obv!) back with me, but she was too far away to call. It was an awful strain, actually, and entirely egocentric. We are polite to each other (10 years on) but I have never really seen her in a positive light since. She should have asked me first, and then during the visit helped ME out. With a newborn it’s very exciting for grandparents, but it’s the new mother (and father) who need the attention, nurturing, and care.

I had twins naturally at 7.30 am - 8 am; due to a very fast labour. DC and MIL came to visit that evening (and I was breastfeeding)

I really don’t understand all this on MN about not having visitors for days? Older women can help with the baby!

DGD was born around 4 am, and I went to see DS, DDIL and DGD that afternoon. I looked after the baby all afternoon while DDIL and DS were asleep.

Baby born at 3am on Saturday morning (straight forward as births go!) kept in hospital overnight due to blood loss (mine) and had no visitors at the hospital (bar a friend who had also given birth ). My parents were a long drive away and unable to visit until the Sunday, when we were discharged, and my in laws were happy to wait till we were home as they're generally quite chilled and lovely.

Then we had one "set" of visitors each day for the next few weeks so we could get through everyone. It was really lovely to do it like this and meant each day had a happy part. Those early weeks are shit but having happy visitors was lovely.

Someone up thread said this Throughout pregnancy DH and I were clear (but not rude!) that we would let people know when we were ready and that although we had some visitors first week, we mainly wanted to adapt to being a family of three.

I think this ^ is spot on.

Older women can help with the baby!

They can help but not all will.

Older women can help with the baby!

Yeah. My experience of older women is that they were obsessed with holding the baby. They’d grab her as soon as they arrived, even if i’d just got her down for a nap, and stubbornly cling on for dear life. If she cried they’d spend ages trying to settle her despite me standing there insisting they gave her to me to feed. Then they’d start with couldn’t she have a bottle so they can feed her.

All the time leaving it to me, post surgery, to make cups of tea and wait on them while they held the baby and “gave me a break”....

Surely the point is that it is up to the parents, you may choose to have visitors immediately and be happy to do so, you may want to hole up for a week or so and get used to the new baby. Either way it is your choice and no one else's.

It’s only on mumsnet that everyone seems to hide away for weeks. In the real world, everyone I know had people (mainly grandparents) come to visit either at the hospital or at home (depending on how long you were in hospital for) within the first 24 hours of the birth.

And it's on MN that I learned that some people have really inconsiderate twats for relatives, who expect new parents to wait on them and feed and water them whilst they manhandle the baby and even refuse to give the child back to its mother when it's screaming for a feed, ensconce themselves on the most comfortable pieces of furniture whilst a sore new mum is expected to sit on a hard chair or the floor or announce they're staying over and the new parents need to give up their bed for them and basically treat their own family like nothing more than incubators for a baby.

If you know your relatives behave like that, please do yourself a favour and put your foot down because they don't give a toss about you or how you're feeling.

Older women can help with the baby!

Tell my MIL that!

Yup, relatives DON’T help in my opinion, their visit just gives you another person to look after. And my b-in-l visited with his two toddlers to give his wife a break because she had food poisoning (which I didn’t believe) and I had to entertain them all, all day, plus look after a newborn. Like weddings and funerals, a newborn baby brings out the best and also the most self-centred in people.

And my b-in-l visited with his two toddlers to give his wife a break because she had food poisoning (which I didn’t believe) and I had to entertain them all, all day, plus look after a newborn.

Where was your h in all this, though? See, if my BIL tried to pull that stunt I'd have had no problem withdrawing to the bedroom with the baby after he'd had a look in and leaving it all to my h. 'Well, that's all a real pity, but I'm sure you can understand baby and I are just shattered and not up to entertaining, think we're away for a kip,' and then leave.

'Where's our cup of tea?' 'Oh, well, I'm very sore and tired now, really not up to hosting, but the kettle's there and milk and sugar are here, think we need a lie down now.'

Wait and see how you feel. Set boundaries/ expectations before and say you’ll call when ready. And then if you’re ready hours later great, if you need a week to hole up and recover no problem :). First time round I didn’t set boundaries and it was a nightmare (didn’t really want to explain to my mil about my fanjito being a war zone after what was admittedly a lot of bad luck in the birth process). Second time round set boundaries. Elective c section quicker recovery and visitors welcome within 24 hours (within limits, I did walk out when one set of family hadn’t left after 24hrs after waiting for them to leave when they said they would, they got the hint and left for a few days 🤣) So really do let them know you’ll say when you are ready. Xx

I'm having a planned section on Monday afternoon. Not having visitors in the hospital as, all being well, there won't be much point. Visiting is 3-6pm and by the time I'm out of recovery it'll be too late for visitors on Monday and should be discharged around that time on Tuesday.

Tuesday evening will be at home just me, DH and baby and then the madness can begin Wednesday when the kids return from my parents and MIL visits and anyone else that wants to wants to visit. Just being quite open from Wednesday onwards really.

Well having breastfed three myself, I was hardly going to grab the baby off her mum!

My MIL was great at rocking a baby to sleep, and we showed DS and DDIL how to get DGD off to sleep in 5 minutes by walking round with her!

But you do realise that not all mothers/MIL’s/relatives ade exactly the same as you, don’t you Luangwa?

I was so adamant before giving birth that I wanted privacy to bond with DD for a few weeks before having guests. In reality I was so grateful for everybody in the family who totally ignored what utter shite I had said during the pregnancy and came over and gave a hand after birth as was stuck in hospital for 5 days and was totally shattered - it was amazing to have in laws offer to do the dishes, make dinner, or watch her for a few hours in our house while we collapsed on the bed for a nap. If anything it helped us bond more with baby as we weren't total walking zombies (maybe like 2/3). Also the feeling of coming home from hospital to a fridge full of home cooked meals with microwave instructions made baby blues me break down in tears on the kitchen floor. Don't overthink it, most grandparents are overjoyed on your behalf and remember how much they struggled with their first. Anytime we chatted and they would ask what we were up to for the week if we mentioned anything like laundry they were immediately putting our laundry basket in the car with a promise to return it within 2 days.

I’m sure I’d have felt the same if my IL’s had done the dishes, made dinner, stocked the freezer etc too. But they didn’t.

Yeah if in laws turned up and made me food and did my laundry I’d be bloody ecstatic and welcome them with open arms.

As it turns out I hosted them for 3 weeks, bought all the food, cooked it all and then struggled to do my own bloody laundry as either my machine was full of their stuff or the dryer was.

They made a mess and generally treated my house like shit.

And that was without me having a newborn to take care of, I don’t think they’re going to be magically more helpful when the baby is here.

They were quite happy having me cook for 9 every night for 3 weeks.

I can see how it would be difficult if you're expected to cater for guests! How ridiculous!

My mum and MIL always get stuck in and happy to clean, do dishes, make coffee/tea etc m. So I have no objections to them being here really.