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Original poster

Pregnant and not sure who the dad is :-(

91 replies

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:24

I need to get this out cos its eating me alive. First up been with my husband for [redacted] years have [redacted] dc already, we have been trying to conceive baby number [redacted] for over a year so i'm not on any form of contraception.

Recently our relationship has come under strain due to the stress of trying for a baby and we have both been unhappy I stupidly have gotten close to someone I work with and opened my heart slightly to him, we had a works night out around [redacted] days ago and you guessed it something happened between us we didn't use anything fast forward to now and i'm pregnant :-( I feel utterly ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have no idea what to do next.

My last period was the 4th August and my cycles are generally 24 days although I've stopped doing the ovulation tests as it was getting too much, me and hubby had sex on the 14th August which based on my cycle is when I would have ovulated, then I had this unforgivable stupid drunken thing with my colleague on the 18th August. Period was due yesterday I took a test on a clearblue digital and its showing Pregnant 1-2 weeks I feel sick to my stomach.

I have discussed with my colleague but no on else, he also has a family :-( he has told me that he had a vasectomy last year as they don't want anymore children and even had a check on this as recently as a month ago which was clear, he also didn't finish in me as I kind of came out of my drunken state half way through and realised what was happening and we stopped.

I want advice I have no clue where to turn I actually quite honestly feel like I want to end my life over this - I feel if I keep the baby I have 9 months of worry to get through even though everything points to it being my husbands over my colleagues, or I get rid of it and have a fresh start and try to put this behind me but im not sure how my mind will cope with getting rid of a much wanted baby that could be completely needless if it is my husbands.

Please please no judgement, i'm judging myself enough this isn't me or something I have ever even come close to doing I cant get my head around it myself. Has anyone been in this situation what did you do or what would you do if you were me given that everything points to it being my husbands?

Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 29/08/2018 12:26

I would say the baby is very likely to be your husband’s child as the colleague has had a vasectomy.

PurpleFlower1983 · 29/08/2018 12:27

What you do now is up to you, if this whole experience has sobered you up to the fact that the thing with a colleague was a huge mistake then you need to decide whether or not you need to be honest with your husband.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 29/08/2018 12:27

If your colleague has a vasectomy then it must be your husband's

Prettysureitsnotok · 29/08/2018 12:30

Tell your husband the truth, it will be best for all of you in the long run.

Whitney168 · 29/08/2018 12:30

Surely that depends on whether the colleague actually has had a vasectomy and has now tested clear, or whether he has just told her this in a panic? No idea which is true here, but either is possible.

pumpkinpie01 · 29/08/2018 12:31

Oh my god, dont really have words to help but dont want to read and run. You poor thing you must be going through hell, there is much more of a chance that this baby is your husbands the chance of it being your colleagues are virtually zero for the 2 very obvious reasons. You are just going to have to convince yourself that it is your husbands baby and keep telling yourself that. Sorry I know I havent been much use xx

Original poster
STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:33

Whitney168 exactly my concern he is someone I have known for over 5 years and so I do trust him but I feel I need proof somehow. But how can I give me proof of this?! I feel he would try if I asked though there is a mutual feeling of care on both parts although we are both mortified at what we have done, he says he's not worried because he feels certain it cant be him.

OP posts:
Original poster
STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:35

purpleflower1983 thank you for your messages I know there is just a part of my brain that isn't sure whether to believe this vasectomy thing or even if it is true there could be a small chance still I don't know?

OP posts:
Original poster
STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:36

Prettysureitsnotok I cant tell my husband even though a part of me wants to, the result would change everyone's lives im thinking of my little boy more than myself I just cannot ruin his life like that. I know I've already made the mistake but I want to try and protect the situation as much as I can for his sake.

OP posts:
dinosaurkisses · 29/08/2018 12:39

I wouldn’t take for granted about the vasectomy thing- that would be a very easy lie to tell, despite how tempting it must be to take him at face value.

Can you look at getting an antenatal DNA test done?

Original poster
STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:40

pumpkinpie01 Thank you for your message, I don't want sympathy honestly I know I've done wrong, really wrong. I just cant believe I am pregnant and now in this awful situation where whatever decision I make feels like it will be the wrong one.

OP posts:
JessBradleyTheBusStopWanker · 29/08/2018 12:40

You can ask loverboy for proof from his medical records. It may cost him a couple of quid if photocopying fees but thats it.

WhirlingTurkey · 29/08/2018 12:43

What JessBradleyTheBusStopWanker - as him for proof!

WhirlingTurkey · 29/08/2018 12:43

*ask not as

pcrumbs · 29/08/2018 12:46

Agee with pp. He could be lying about the vasectomy. I would be asking for proof too but I'd be careful with what 'proof' you accept. He could try to forge something.
I don't think in your situation that I would tell my husband. But learn from your mistake, you risked everything. I would distance myself from this man.

OurMiracle1106 · 29/08/2018 12:47

If he has had a vasectomy it would be on his medical records. I can access mine online and would be able to print it out. This is how mine looks but where it’s blacked out would be the persons name. This might give you some indication as to whether he has had a vasectomy or not but he may not have online access.

Pregnant and not sure who the dad is :-(
Original poster
STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:50

I know I risked everything I am fully fully aware of that, I constantly have a deep pit of fear inside my stomach right now, I cant sleep and I cant eat. I need proof I would feel less upset to get rid if I know there is more chance it could be my colleagues. But to get rid of my husbands child needlessly well the though of that is breaking me. What kind of proof can I ask for though I have no idea how vasectomy's work I'm googling it now. I have already mentioned it to him and he said to me that the last check he had a phone call to tell him all was ok so how could he show me? I don't see why he would lie about this in one way but another part of my brain is sick with worry as well.

OP posts:
onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 12:53

God. Be rational and have an abortion. This sounds like chaos and will not benefit your family and ultimately your son. You can try again.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 29/08/2018 12:56

You can buy home sperm tests. Buy him one and check if he is fertile.
Def don't have an abortion and assume you can get pregnant again.

crazycatgal · 29/08/2018 12:56

You need to tell your DH because if the baby isn't his or this all comes out years down the line then there is going to be a lot more upset than if you told him now.

Original poster
STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:57

Onetimeposter My rational mind kicks in and says that, but then my emotional mind takes over again. Ive obviously known the risk ive taken for over a week now and all along was thinking if im pregnant I get rid of it simple as that but now its real its a little harder to think of it so straightforward. Im also worried about how on earth I will arrange and have an abortion without my husband finding out

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 29/08/2018 13:01

I am totally in the other camp. There is a very good chance this is your husband's. Say nothing & celebrate the new life within, get on with your life, keep your family intact. The guilt will die down, go to your grave with your secrete. Never cheat again.

juneau · 29/08/2018 13:07

Do the bloke from work and your DH look alike? Just thinking that if your DH is blond and 5'10" and the other guy is, say, dark and 6'4", you could have a big problem if the baby is OM's.

Poptart4 · 29/08/2018 13:07

If he had a vasectomy last year then why was he tested to see if it worked last month? I know they retest after 3 months but I've never heard of them testing after a year.

Now i could be wrong but that just doesn't add up to me.

I wouldnt have an abortion as it most probably is your husbands.

Ask for his medical records

pcrumbs · 29/08/2018 13:07

If he has genuinely had a vasectomy though there is no need for an abortion. She was trying for a baby with her husband - they both want this baby.