Pregnant and not sure who the dad is :-(

[STLW23]

I need to get this out cos its eating me alive. First up been with my husband for [redacted] years have [redacted] dc already, we have been trying to conceive baby number [redacted] for over a year so i'm not on any form of contraception.

Recently our relationship has come under strain due to the stress of trying for a baby and we have both been unhappy I stupidly have gotten close to someone I work with and opened my heart slightly to him, we had a works night out around [redacted] days ago and you guessed it something happened between us we didn't use anything fast forward to now and i'm pregnant :-( I feel utterly ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have no idea what to do next.

My last period was the 4th August and my cycles are generally 24 days although I've stopped doing the ovulation tests as it was getting too much, me and hubby had sex on the 14th August which based on my cycle is when I would have ovulated, then I had this unforgivable stupid drunken thing with my colleague on the 18th August. Period was due yesterday I took a test on a clearblue digital and its showing Pregnant 1-2 weeks I feel sick to my stomach.

I have discussed with my colleague but no on else, he also has a family :-( he has told me that he had a vasectomy last year as they don't want anymore children and even had a check on this as recently as a month ago which was clear, he also didn't finish in me as I kind of came out of my drunken state half way through and realised what was happening and we stopped.

I want advice I have no clue where to turn I actually quite honestly feel like I want to end my life over this - I feel if I keep the baby I have 9 months of worry to get through even though everything points to it being my husbands over my colleagues, or I get rid of it and have a fresh start and try to put this behind me but im not sure how my mind will cope with getting rid of a much wanted baby that could be completely needless if it is my husbands.

Please please no judgement, i'm judging myself enough this isn't me or something I have ever even come close to doing I cant get my head around it myself. Has anyone been in this situation what did you do or what would you do if you were me given that everything points to it being my husbands?

Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request

What done is done, you can’t change anything. You are not the first nor the last that will be in this situation.

1. tell colleague that you need a copy of his medical records to prove he’s had it done. Emphasis you need it for peace of mind to be able to continue this pregnancy.

2. hopefully he’s telling the truth and all will be well.

3. if he isn’t, then you have a decision to make. A) terminate b) keep the baby and have a DNA test whilst pregnant. Tell or not tell dh. C) wait until the baby is born and have a DNA test.

4. decide if you are going to tell dh.

The bottom line is-you NEED that proof before making any other decisions.

good luck

With all the lies mumsnet is helping you tell, what reason can everyone come up with for her avoiding all sexual contact until she is tested clear of STI's.

These things always come out, rip the bandaid off and tell him everything now.

My friends baby was born 4 years after the snip, she even did a dna test just so he never had doubts. It can and does happen.

I really cannot believe people are suggesting you don't even mention this to your husband

Of course you can believe it. Women have been doing the same for milennia.

@JessBradleyTheBusStopWanker my friends husband was told several times from the dr that he was completely sterile and he has since fathered 2 children who are 100% definitely his!

To be honest I think the question is, what sort of marriage do you want to have? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I genuinely believe that if you enter into marriage with someone, respect and honesty is a massive part of that.

As others have said, get yourself tested for STI's just in case as that is a risk to not just you and your husband but to your unborn baby.

Also, I understand this was a one off but, this man is not a stranger, he is a colleague. Someone who will continue to be in your life at least for the duration of your pregnancy. I agree with a PP about the emotional affair aspect and also, your husband is the person who should be a support NOT the colleague you slept with.

You made a mistake. If your marriage is made of strong stuff, there is a chance he may want to save your marriage.

It does sound like you're just trying to justify your actions in your own mind to unburden yourself of the guilt but the right way to do that is to be honest. It feels scary but honestly unless you're the type of person who has little conscience, the weight of this guilt could seriously affect you and lead to you telling your husband anyway.

You made a mistake fine but you're making a further mistake by continuing to deceive.

I’d also suggest looking for another job tbh. Staying in close contact with the OM is only going to bring trouble.

Only you know if you can live with being unfaithful.

OP, if you're planning to continue with the pregnancy, you need to be honest with your husband. If a woman tells her husband that she's pregnant, he should be able to trust that the baby is definitely his unless she says otherwise. Not that there's a 90% chance that it's his. Not even that there's a 99% chance that it's his.

If you can't face telling him, then I agree that you should get an abortion. And absolutely do NOT have sex with your husband until you've had an STI test.

I wouldn’t tell him. No good will come from it. Although I would want proof that the other guy has definitely had a vasectomy!!

Agreed that ancestry dna could be your undoing. And if in 30 years this comes out, it will be a hell of a lot worse than it is now.

I think you need proof of this vasectomy. A hospital letter will do, texts re his appts, the name of his consultant etc

Will he give you proof, OP?

So he didn't come inside you and he claims he had a vasectomy?

Chances are it's yours.

I wouldn't be having an abortion and I wouldn't mention it to your H.

op, you poor thing.

Chances are it's yours

Your H 's, obviously

He’s had a vasectomy so it’s your husbands! You’ve made a huge mistake and you realise this. Move on and enjoy your pregnancy with your husband no need to tell anyone xx

Hey hun, so sorry about your situation. If your colleague told you the truth about the vasectomy, then the child is most definitely your husband's. But for your peace of mind I would ask him to show you his medical records.

There are also some tests you can buy online: www.easydna.co.uk/prenatal-paternity-test/

As to whether you should talk to DH, it is up to you. I don't think I could keep this much of a secret but I understand the consequences involved in telling the truth.

Regardless of what you decide to do with your baby, you need to seriously consider whether a marriage and a family that is based on a lie and deception is the way to protect your boy's childhood. Your husband deserves to know. Likewise, you need to consider whether your relationship is in a state to have a baby together, after your troubles and your behaviour. I know it must be a difficult situation, but your marriage is equally your husband's, and lying to him affects him as much as it does you.

My dad had a vasectomy. They were very surprised when I couple of years later I came along....