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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant and not sure who the dad is :-(

91 replies

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:24

I need to get this out cos its eating me alive. First up been with my husband for [redacted] years have [redacted] dc already, we have been trying to conceive baby number [redacted] for over a year so i'm not on any form of contraception.

Recently our relationship has come under strain due to the stress of trying for a baby and we have both been unhappy I stupidly have gotten close to someone I work with and opened my heart slightly to him, we had a works night out around [redacted] days ago and you guessed it something happened between us we didn't use anything fast forward to now and i'm pregnant :-( I feel utterly ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have no idea what to do next.

My last period was the 4th August and my cycles are generally 24 days although I've stopped doing the ovulation tests as it was getting too much, me and hubby had sex on the 14th August which based on my cycle is when I would have ovulated, then I had this unforgivable stupid drunken thing with my colleague on the 18th August. Period was due yesterday I took a test on a clearblue digital and its showing Pregnant 1-2 weeks I feel sick to my stomach.

I have discussed with my colleague but no on else, he also has a family :-( he has told me that he had a vasectomy last year as they don't want anymore children and even had a check on this as recently as a month ago which was clear, he also didn't finish in me as I kind of came out of my drunken state half way through and realised what was happening and we stopped.

I want advice I have no clue where to turn I actually quite honestly feel like I want to end my life over this - I feel if I keep the baby I have 9 months of worry to get through even though everything points to it being my husbands over my colleagues, or I get rid of it and have a fresh start and try to put this behind me but im not sure how my mind will cope with getting rid of a much wanted baby that could be completely needless if it is my husbands.

Please please no judgement, i'm judging myself enough this isn't me or something I have ever even come close to doing I cant get my head around it myself. Has anyone been in this situation what did you do or what would you do if you were me given that everything points to it being my husbands?

Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request

OP posts:

beccii161016 · 29/08/2018 14:16

This isn't just anyone, this is the man your married and had a child with. He deserves the respect of knowing the truth and making a decision based on that Your little boy wouldn't have to stop a relationship with his dad. I understand that you made a mistake but you do have the choice to at least be honest about it rather than continue to lie. As previous poster said, these things rarely stay buried forever and the guilt will weigh you down. I'm sure your husband would be more furious if he found out in a few years and knew you'd lied to him about it.

onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 14:16

No. Not better to hide it. Dont use your son as an excuse. If the relationship breaks down that is your fault, not your partners should he choose to leave. By not telling him you are making a fool of him. It is unfair. How the hell would you feel? You cannot have been that happy or you wouldnt have gone elsewhere.

Zofloramummy · 29/08/2018 14:19

What is going on on your marriage? You must have been having problems otherwise you wouldn’t have a) got bladdered b) slept with another man?

ThirdChildFourthPile · 29/08/2018 14:22

He had a vasectomy and he didn't ejaculate.

The baby is not his, it's your husbands.

The problem is no longer who's the baby is, the problem is that you cheated on your husband and whether you can live with that.

DeeplyDippy76 · 29/08/2018 14:37

All the evidence seems to be pointing to the baby being your husbands.

And in my opinion telling your husband you cheated isn't always the right thing to do- as long as you know you'd never cheat again and sincerely regret it!? confessing only means causing misery for both your husband and your son in the long run, yes your guilt will make you suffer but they don't deserve to.
Hope you can learn to forgive yourself and concentrate on your family and being happy with them. 💐

MrsJackman10 · 29/08/2018 14:38

I think you should tell your husband, he has a right to know and to make a decision based on the facts. I would be fairly sure the baby is your husband's but that's not really the issue here... The issue is you had unprotected sex with another man. Before your DH has sex with you again he has a right to know. My partner cheated and hid it and after I found out I felt completely violated that I had been intimate with him afterwards, I wouldn't have had I known and this made me feel completely disgusting and violated.

OctaviaOctober · 29/08/2018 14:41

Good god cwn you imagine if a bloke posted that he might have got another woman pregnant?

I'd typed a longer comment but lost it, so "ugh, you suck" will have to do.

I kind of came out of my drunken state half way through and realised what was happening and we stopped

This sounds alarming. OK, he stopped, but if you were that drunk he is a very questionable person (to put it politely) to start having sex with you...

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2018 14:42

in my opinion telling your husband you cheated isn't always the right thing to do

How on Earth is it not the right thing to do? Would you advise a Man the same way if he posted on here?

"Yeah it's fine to sleep with someone else potentially risk getting someone pregnant and catching STIs which you could pass on to you wife mate as long as your sorry and you don't do it again?? You wouldn't want to upset her would you??"

I'm bloody horrified people actually admit to thinking this way. Fuck what your partner might think as long as it keeps you happy that's fine...

Original poster

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 14:52

Quite honestly if my husband made a one off mistake and still loved me and wanted to be with me then no I wouldn't want to know. Different If it was a full blown affair and ongoing but no for a mistake I don't see how it would benefit sharing the misery. I think the guilt im feeling now is punishment enough. If it wasn't for my son im not sure id even be able to get through this at all.

OP posts:

oldbirdy · 29/08/2018 15:01

I might be morally questionable but for a one off mistake I would keep quiet. What benefit, other than unburdening yourself of guilt, comes from confessing? Your dh will think the baby isn't his when it very probably is. Your relationship will be destroyed. His relationship with the child will never be the same. I would take that secret to my grave and never put myself in that situation again.

WhirlingTurkey · 29/08/2018 15:03

I agree with posters saying you need to tell him. It's really unfair otherwise - your family's future will be tarnished and the guilt will weigh on you forever. Although I would still want to get proof of the vasectomy beforehand, so I would be able to tell my husband, with confidence that it was his baby.

I have cheated in the past when I was having a very troubled time (although not sex!) and it's something I'm not proud of. I came clean to my (now) husband and he forgave me and we moved on, so it is possible.

louise5754 · 29/08/2018 15:06

I don't know how you could keep it quiet. Hasn't your DH noticed you've been a bit "off" had things on your mind? Been on your phone a lot more than usual? (Presumably texting the other man).

I hope the mans wife isn't on here. A few details seem a little outing eg timeline of vasectomy. He recently went out on a night out. Maybe he's even spoken to his wife about a work colleague trying for a baby? The recent scare etc.

Also what do you think will happen with your colleague? Are you still going to work together? Maybe this would bring you even closer?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2018 15:06

Different If it was a full blown affair and ongoing but no for a mistake

I'm not trying to kick you whilst your down but to me it sounds like you and this man from work were having an emotional affair which led to having sex. Just because you only had sex once doesn't make it less of an affair. You have over time got close to this person and that makes it an affair, its hardly a one night stand with a stranger. I assume you are going to continue working with this person and that there will be other work events during which this might happen again.

I think you need to be honest with your Husband, its one thing saying you wouldn't want to know but it's entirely different saying that as the one who has cheated. You don't get to make that decision and regardless of what you say or think this will eventually come out.

MaryandMichael · 29/08/2018 15:06

Abandon all blame and shame.
Abandon all fear and worry.
Think, "I'll deal with that if it happens."

Have the baby if you want to.
Then get everyone DNA tested from Ancestry or somewhere. It's very clear... mine came back with "X Y is your father." Which was good because I've been calling XY 'Dad' for the last sixty years.

If your husband is the dad, great. If not, there's plenty of time for confessions after the results come in.

Bluntness100 · 29/08/2018 15:07

Op he's clearly had a vasectomy and he didn't even finish.

Congrats you and your husband are having a baby!

Ignore those trying to get you to ruin your marriage by telling him. There is nothing to gain. It was a drunken mistake. Put it behind you and look forward to your new baby.

MaryandMichael · 29/08/2018 15:09

And don't engage with the posters who want to give you a hard time for making a mistake/having an affair/whatever. We're all socialised into behaving and even thinking in ways that make us supportive to men and their aims. Women are oppressed... but that's another thread altogether. Just cease to accept the crap and make decisions that are good for you and the people you love.

Blahdeblah123 · 29/08/2018 15:16

OP lots of hollier than thou posters on here telling you what to do. For what its worth i dont think you should tell your husband now.
The likelihood is that hubby is the dad. But you need to make sure the vasectomy story is true.
If not, then clearly hubby needs to know.
You must be so scared, please go easy on yourself, try be rational.
It sounds to me that tjis could be the wake up call that saves your marriage.

Ihavethepower · 29/08/2018 15:43

You're not the person your DH thinks you are and your relationship is not what he thinks it is.

He deserves to know the truth.

funinthesun18 · 29/08/2018 15:55

I think your husband has a right to know.
There was a thread on relationships recently where the wife was cheated on by her husband and the OW is pregnant. The OP on that thread has left her husband obviously. I think your husband deserves that chance to decide what to do.
Your situation is basically the other way around, the only difference is that the baby may or may not be the OM’s. But I don’t think it’s any less bad and I think you’ve had some very supportive responses on here that a man would NEVER get.

TheMonkeyMummy · 29/08/2018 15:57

I am another one who wouldn't say anything. If you were having a full blown affair, or intended too, then that's different BUT a drunken mistake that has never happened before, and will never happen again? What is there to gain?
But you will have to live with the guilt of what you have done forever.

I also think it's unlikely that it's the OM, but I would be asking for proof of vasectomy to be sure.

Sunflowerr · 29/08/2018 16:07

I'm the same as you OP and I've said the same to both men on women on here. If it was genuinely a one off and you are genuinely completely devastated and would never do it again, I wouldn't tell and neither would I want to know about it. I think you should stop talking to the other fella though.

Good luck OP whatever you decide to do. As PP said, don't let the holier than thou, never put a foot wrong in their lives brigade get to you too much.

onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 16:09

I hope all the women on here supporting op dont make comments on the OW threads.
Women being oppressed doesnt make it ok to have sex and possibly get pregnant to another man.
Its clear you wont tell him. You have justified your dirty little act in your head and used your son as an excuse not to tell your poor husband.
I suppose the panic you will feel during labour not knowing if the baby will come out looking nothing like your dh will be manageable, as will the worry of aomeobe guessing-people arent stupid and pick up on these so called mistakes.
The women on here are disgusting. Youd all be the first to start a thread whinging if your husbands had acted in such a way.

funinthesun18 · 29/08/2018 16:22

The women on here are disgusting. Youd all be the first to start a thread whinging if your husbands had acted in such a way.

Just goes to show that women’s behaviour is treated with more leniency than men’s. That’s true for many things really though.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2018 16:26

Just goes to show that women’s behaviour is treated with more leniency than men’s.

^^ This in spades. There is no way anyone would have come on here and said its ok not to tell your other half if this thread was started by a man. If he had cheated and potentially got another women pregnant he would have been crucified.

Pippylou · 29/08/2018 16:29

There is actually a page on the Gov.uk website with the officially sanctioned DNA companies.

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