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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Pregnant and not sure who the dad is :-(

91 replies

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 12:24

I need to get this out cos its eating me alive. First up been with my husband for [redacted] years have [redacted] dc already, we have been trying to conceive baby number [redacted] for over a year so i'm not on any form of contraception.

Recently our relationship has come under strain due to the stress of trying for a baby and we have both been unhappy I stupidly have gotten close to someone I work with and opened my heart slightly to him, we had a works night out around [redacted] days ago and you guessed it something happened between us we didn't use anything fast forward to now and i'm pregnant :-( I feel utterly ashamed and disgusted with myself. I have no idea what to do next.

My last period was the 4th August and my cycles are generally 24 days although I've stopped doing the ovulation tests as it was getting too much, me and hubby had sex on the 14th August which based on my cycle is when I would have ovulated, then I had this unforgivable stupid drunken thing with my colleague on the 18th August. Period was due yesterday I took a test on a clearblue digital and its showing Pregnant 1-2 weeks I feel sick to my stomach.

I have discussed with my colleague but no on else, he also has a family :-( he has told me that he had a vasectomy last year as they don't want anymore children and even had a check on this as recently as a month ago which was clear, he also didn't finish in me as I kind of came out of my drunken state half way through and realised what was happening and we stopped.

I want advice I have no clue where to turn I actually quite honestly feel like I want to end my life over this - I feel if I keep the baby I have 9 months of worry to get through even though everything points to it being my husbands over my colleagues, or I get rid of it and have a fresh start and try to put this behind me but im not sure how my mind will cope with getting rid of a much wanted baby that could be completely needless if it is my husbands.

Please please no judgement, i'm judging myself enough this isn't me or something I have ever even come close to doing I cant get my head around it myself. Has anyone been in this situation what did you do or what would you do if you were me given that everything points to it being my husbands?

Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request

OP posts:

juneau · 29/08/2018 13:10

I agree - ask for proof of the vasectomy - if you can get that then it should set your mind at rest. If he's no longer producing semen then this baby is your DH's. And get an STD test while you're at it.

DC2018 · 29/08/2018 13:10

If your colleague had a vasectomy then it's very unlikely the baby is his. However, there's always a very slim chance so you need to think if you are able to live with this huge secret from your husband and child?

zzzzz · 29/08/2018 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 13:19

To keep the baby and not tell the dh would mean OP always looking over her shoulder.
At this stage it is literally dividing cells. I really would not continue the pregnancy. Think of your son.

Sunflowerr · 29/08/2018 13:20

I can't believe there's people telling her to have an abortion. Both from the dates and the fact OM a)didn't cum inside her and b)even if he did he claims he's had a vasectomy suggest her husband is the father, and the OP has told us they're trying for this baby. I'm with @mydietstartsmonday on this one.

onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 13:20

I guarantee the husband wont want this baby if he knows theres a chance it isnt his. Seriously cant believe people are suggesting not saying anything.

Original poster

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 13:28

Ok to answer some of the q's that have come up - I never get 'bladdered' it was the first night ive had out at all since Christmas and probably the most drunk I have ever been when you're in a bit of a low place a drink seems like a good idea at the time. Im well aware getting drunk doesn't go hand in hand with trying to conceive I live a healthy life 99% of the time.
Colleague had a vasectomy check a month ago because his partner was 10 days late and they were panicked she was pregnant. I know this is true because he actually told me of this as it was happening in July so its not something hes just made up on the spot, I obviously still do want some kind of proof though.
Im not surprised at the split response on this given that my mind is split on it as well. Im scared to involve anyone else - mum/friend etc for fear of the judgment and risk of it coming out but im not coping well with this on my own. Colleague is taking the brunt of my emotions and being supportive but still he cant make it go away or make a decision for me.

OP posts:

beccii161016 · 29/08/2018 13:34

I think you need to be honest with your husband and talk this out with him. It's the right thing to do. You're married and have a family - show him some respect. I also honestly think that it would kill you to try and keep the secret.

It's unlikely to be your colleagues from the information you've given but you had sex 4 days apart so even a dating scan isn't going to clear things up for you. It would be a case of a DNA test when baby is born if you continue with the pregnancy which should not be done behind your husbands back.

Whitney168 · 29/08/2018 13:34

Colleague had a vasectomy check a month ago because his partner was 10 days late and they were panicked she was pregnant.

Would it not have been much quicker and easier for her to take a pregnancy test in that situation?

zzzzz · 29/08/2018 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 13:40

Whitney168 I know it sounds odd I said the same and he said she took tests they were negative but still she hadn't had her period and they wanted peace of mind so he went to get checked again. If he was only telling me this now I would be very suspicious but the fact he was telling me this nearly 2 months ago when it was happening to them makes me inclined to believe that. We work together closely and have become open to each other about certain struggles in our private lives I know even this is crossing a line really.

OP posts:

OutPinked · 29/08/2018 13:40

Very easy for a guy to claim he has had the snip in this scenario but since he told you way before the pregnancy, I would imagine it is the truth. Alongside the fact he didn’t even finish, it’s doubtful it is his but I wouldn’t take his word as absolute gospel.

Ask him for evidence of his vasectomy before making a decision. If you obtain that, then assume it is definitely your husband’s and carry on as normal. If you have any doubts once the baby is born, have a DNA test.

Original poster

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 13:41

zzzzz the 2 kind of go hand in hand probably because I rarely drink to excess is why it affected me so badly to make an awful decision. I don't cheat I never have before. Im shocked and ashamed myself.

OP posts:

DearMrDilkington · 29/08/2018 13:42

Get proof of the vasectomy before you do anything else.

onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 13:43

Good god cwn you imagine if a bloke posted that he might have got another woman pregnant? Doubt the advice would be well if its negative keep ypur gob shut and move on.

Original poster

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 13:45

Thank you everyone, I think the next step is to ask him for some proof this is serious stuff and if he has any level of respect for me which I feel he does then he will get me some kind of proof. I cant bear the thought of getting rid of a baby that is mine and my husbands. I have never ever been in a situation like this before and quite honestly I am so so scared of the abortion has anyone had one? Feels like my life has been turned on its head and its all my own doing.

OP posts:

lhmand · 29/08/2018 13:49

I think you should be honest with your husband. Tell him everything. It can't get worse than what you've been (and will be) feeling lately...

It all started with a mistake. Be strong and do the right thing is the first step to have peace of mind...

Good luck!

SaturdaySauv · 29/08/2018 13:52

It sounds like it’s incredibly likely to be DH’s but if it’s going to eat you up inside I think telling him is the best approach.

I don’t think it’s a secret that’s fair to keep- it’s important to know the father’s genetic/family medical history to get the best antenatal (and post natal) care for your baby so I think establishing who the father is will he essential.

At the least, I’d want concrete proof of your work colleagues vasectomy.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2018 13:55

I really cannot believe people are suggesting you don't even mention this to your husband. He has the right to know that you have cheated and this baby might not be his. Yes it's likely that it will end your relationship but its a damn sight better than lying to him for the next few years until the truth comes out, and trust me the truth always comes out about these issues.

bluetrampolines · 29/08/2018 13:56

Yeah. Keeping this lie forever is a long time. I personally would just get over telling the truth.

onetimeposter · 29/08/2018 13:56

But the husband deserves to know then he can leave if he wants. This is a massive deception. He must be given that choice.

Original poster

STLW23 · 29/08/2018 13:59

I know, I know its not fair on him. That's eating me up as well the guilt but I just know it will blow my amazing family apart - what have I done?! I cant face it my little boy loves his Dad and to rip our family apart im not sure I can live through that. I know he deserves the truth but given that it was a mistake and I love him and want to be with him isn't it better to hide it?

OP posts:

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 29/08/2018 14:02

to rip our family apart im not sure I can live through that. I know he deserves the truth but given that it was a mistake and I love him and want to be with him isn't it better to hide it?

It's a pretty self centred viewpoint and very telling that you cant live with the guilt and that you want to be with him.

Honestly if my Husband had cheated I wouldn't want to be with him, its not a mistake its a conscious decision to cheat on the person you married. A mistake is leaving the milk out of the fridge so it gets hot in the sun. It is not about what you want, you need to tell him so he can decide what he wants to do.

DearMrDilkington · 29/08/2018 14:08

Also get an STI test done asap, I doubt your the only one his been having unprotected sex with.

zzzzz · 29/08/2018 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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