Dd (16) is pregnant and not sure who father is

[Papergirl1968]

Dd, nearly 17, has told me today she’s pregnant. She’s done a test that says 1-2 weeks which she’s been told means 3-4 weeks. She split up with her old boyfriend and at the same time started a new relationship about 17/18th July.
The week of 7-14 July we were on holiday and she appeared to have her period then. She was certainly bleeding as I had to wash the sheet. I later discovered she’d had her implant out just before we went away so maybe that made her bleed?
New boyfriend’s family think it is old boyfriend’s baby. Old boyfriend thinks it can’t be his as she had her period while away with us and they didn’t have sex after that as she more or less went straight off with the new lad.
She’s been living away from home for a few months, 100 or so miles away actually.
I haven’t a clue what will happen but she wants to keep it and I have said I’ll stand by her. I’d prefer her to come home actually even though we don’t get on a lot of the time. The new boyfriend's Ex girlfriend is also pregnant to complicate matters.
I guess a scan might help date the pregnancy but there’s no definite way to find out who the father until a dna test after the baby is born?

You should be encouraging her to think about a termination, she does not sound remotely ready to have a child.

No, you really shouldn't.

If it does turn out she is pregnant the only thing you should be doing is offering support and ensuring she knows what her options are, and most importantly, that it is her choice.

I feel really sorry for her. Early life experiences can really damage you regardless how much love and affection is given after.

I think she needs some kind of councilling. She is desperate for her own family unit and it’s something I felt at her age after having a dreadful early start in life.

I hope you have the strength to keep guiding her

Exactly what @burntofferings says above.

You sound amazing op, and I wish you and your dd all the best for the future whatever happens. x

If she's not convinced that she did this test properly, get her to pee in a pot and then you can dip the test in it. It's a lot less messy this way too!

It sounds like she might have dodged a bullet here, even if it's not the news she wanted.

FWIW you sound like a wonderful Mum to her

Good that it’s negative OP and she’s unlikely to be pregnant even if it’s a cheap test.

Problem is, I think it’s highly likely that she will get herself pregnant soon.
There’s only one reason she got her implant out and had unprotected sex.

Poor girl probably feels this is a way to guarantee love (not that you haven’t loved her!) especially with her early life.
I know people who have done the same.

Best of luck with the future.

The new test was positive.
She’s going back to where she’s currently living tomorrow to meet the council housing team and hopes to get somewhere due to being homeless and pregnant. I don’t think she’ll get anywhere right away and that in any case they might say she’s not homeless as she has a place right to live here.
She’s also refusing to come on holiday with us on Saturday as she now can’t horse ride. She and her sister were planning on riding while they were there.
Im annoyed with her not for getting pregnant (although I can’t say I’m thrilled) but for her attitude. She’s been vile to her sister and me, and I won’t be dropping everything to go and fetch her again.
I can’t take her to the meeting with social services but will see what they say.

Thank you everyone for your support and kind words x

She’s also refusing to come on holiday with us on Saturday as she now can’t horse ride. She and her sister were planning on riding while they were there.

Why can't she?

She’s delusional if she thinks getting pregnant will mean she gets her own place
That’s not going to happen at all. As if it’s that simple!

First of all, she has a place with you. She isn’t homeless in the slightest so they won’t touch her with a barge pole. Second of all, depending where you live, she won’t get a place until the baby is born and that can be a grotty, unsafe b@b or nasty drug addled half way house.
It can’t take years to get a secure place and that’s only for the genuine who don’t have a place to go.
She has a place with you.

She can ride, that isn’t a problem at this stage of pregnancy. So sorry op that the test was positive. When the other was neg I felt a glimmer of hope for you. Mid teens are so hard. Old enough to make choices yet not mature enough for them to be sensible.

I’d say a riding holiday is probably safer than whatever else she may well be getting up to, especially if the other young woman is threatening to kick her in the stomach. dressagetoday.com/rider-wellness/riding-pregnant-26790

I’d brace yourself for the council to tell her she isn’t homeless because she can live with you, and for her to blame you for this.

I wish you strength and or or

I am firmly of the opinion that there are worse things than a baby and that young women can make fantastic mothers...but, still, reading the test is positive is a bit of a blow.

Hang in there, it's going to be a difficult few weeks while she decides what to do. Does the boyfriend know?

Both boyfriends know and each say they’ll stand by her and support the baby if it’s theirs.
Dd is leaving shortly, to head back to new boyfriend. She now says she doesn’t know if she’ll cone on holiday with us. I have told her she could ride if she wanted to, with very minimal risk. She’s being her usual difficult self, flaring up over everything, screaming, swearing, raising a fist to her sister. This is typical of her behaviour. We walk on eggshells around her so in some ways it will be a relief when she’s gone.
She’s utterly convinced the council will provide her with a place to live, even if it means a b&b for a while first.

She’s utterly convinced the council will provide her with a place to live, even if it means a b&b for a while first.

Depending on where she is, that may be very unlikely, but do let her find that on her own. So the new boyfriend has two girls pregnant at the same time? He sounds a real peach.

She sounds like a nightmare tbh
Leave her to it!

She has got herself in to a mess. She is probably enjoying the attention tbh.

Due to the aggression shown to her younger sister I’d actually tell her not to come back and to manage by herself now.

There is a line that you have to keep for yourself and your other children when one family member is being abusive. She is controling your home which is supposed to be every ones safe space.

I feel sorry for her, I genuinely do as I can empathise due to my background but you really do have to draw a boundary now. She is spiralling out of control and you need to be the steady force. Showing her you can’t be pushed around and your house is a safe zone will actually be a positive thing for her. There also maybe a time when the baby comes, she maybe try and be aggressive around the baby to use it to dominate you. You really do need to put your boundaries in place so that even SS Know your house is safe in case the baby gets taken off her.

Hope you have a nice holiday OP , it’s very difficult but there is only so much you can do for people who don’t want to be helped .

Bless you OP. What a nightmare.

A woman I used to work with - her daughter was 16 and pregnant, again convinced they'd house her.

They did in a grotty old hotel in town bought by the council as a halfway house also homing offenders just released from prison and drug addicts.

She got her room there 2 weeks before the baby was due and then realised how awful it was. The baby was 2 weeks old someone smashed her door down in the middle of the night thinking she was the previous occupant who owed money to a dealer and she had a terrifying ordeal. She pressed the emergency buzzer and staff came up and got these people out and the police cane and her Mum had to go and pick her up in the middle of the night.

So yes they may house her but it might not be very nice.

Wow sorry that the test was positive. I was kinda hoping that she was lying the first time.

Maybe,just Maybe,This will be the making of her. I mean having a baby is a big change and she will have to buck her ideas up. She sounds so immatute though especially regarding the housing. Council b&b are not nice from professional experience and I certainly wouldn't want to raise a child in one.

I do worry that all the hassle is going to be dumped on grandmas lap. I mean she will be able to come and go and do exactly what she wants and you,as a loving parent, will want the best for your grandchild so you will pick up the pieces.

Why did she have her implant removed?
Hope you enjoy your holiday as I have a feeling you are going to be running her life with arranging Dr appointments etc.

As long as she has a place with you, she isn’t homeless and the council have absolutely no obligation to house her. Even in a grotty b&b.

Well, she’s gone. She’s been very volatile today. The social worker came to see her and I think even she was shocked by her temper.
I think she’s fled back to the boyfriend because she doesn’t trust him.
She’s going to see the housing team tomorrow but has been told they won’t consider her to be homeless while she has a home here.
She’s at least considering her options now. She’s told the boyfriend that maybe they should abort this one and get pregnant again and then at least they’d know it was definitely his. I despair at her attitude.
Social services are very concerned about her ability to raise a child, especially mikes away with no support. New boyfriend's family are geographically closer but totally dysfunctional, and then of course there’s the pregnant ex (who will be getting a dna test on her child too to make sure it is definitely his!). Yes Left!
Dd came off the implant because it was making her periods heavy, Pandora.

Hopefully after this baby arrives she can find a contraception that suits her.

As I said earlier, hopefully having this baby will make her grow up.

This is a total car crash and she cannot manage herself let alone a baby.
I’d be discussing a termination. It isn’t fair on her nor the child. She doesn’t even sound like she wants it.

I think she needs to know that SS will very likely take her child (I think even my SW friends who are very experienced at managing risk and keeping families together would be having kittens at this scenario). I know in reality you may well step in, but she doesn’t need to know that yet. And maybe you couldn’t anyhow- who knows what life is going to throw at us?