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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Dd (16) is pregnant and not sure who father is

120 replies

Papergirl1968 · 05/08/2018 17:08

Dd, nearly 17, has told me today she’s pregnant. She’s done a test that says 1-2 weeks which she’s been told means 3-4 weeks. She split up with her old boyfriend and at the same time started a new relationship about 17/18th July.
The week of 7-14 July we were on holiday and she appeared to have her period then. She was certainly bleeding as I had to wash the sheet. I later discovered she’d had her implant out just before we went away so maybe that made her bleed?
New boyfriend’s family think it is old boyfriend’s baby. Old boyfriend thinks it can’t be his as she had her period while away with us and they didn’t have sex after that as she more or less went straight off with the new lad.
She’s been living away from home for a few months, 100 or so miles away actually.
I haven’t a clue what will happen but she wants to keep it and I have said I’ll stand by her. I’d prefer her to come home actually even though we don’t get on a lot of the time. The new boyfriend's Ex girlfriend is also pregnant to complicate matters.
I guess a scan might help date the pregnancy but there’s no definite way to find out who the father until a dna test after the baby is born?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

DextroDependant · 05/08/2018 18:16

I think it is almost definitely the new boyfriends baby.

I agree with those that are suggesting you could make sure she is aware of all her options including termination although don't push her on it.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 05/08/2018 18:27

Oh dear, what a terribly tough situation. It will be very hard for you and her.

Does she listen to you at all? Is she dead set on keeping the baby? She is obviously a vulnerable young woman. I suppose it's possible the baby could be the making of her, but at absolute best it's still going to make her life a lot more difficult and she has a lot of her own stuff to work out.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/08/2018 18:34

Given the circumstances you have described I would start giving a lot of thought to the possibility that you may end up being asked to care for this child. I am a SW and can see that if she keeps the baby she may be unable to care for it alone. I hope I am very wrong and she steps up and is a great mum, but I think you still need to consider what might happen should she be unable or unwilling to care for the child once it is here.

Tinkety · 05/08/2018 18:39

OP did your DD know her the bf’s ex was pregnant?

Your DD had her implant removed so knew she was having unprotected sex so is it possible she was actually hoping to get pregnant in some misguided way to try & keep him? It’s also odd that she tested so early, almost like she was expecting it.

If this is her motivation, then her reluctance to move 100 miles away from her bf to be near you or have a termination might have more to do with the bf rather than actually wanting to be a mother so you might have to approach the conversation a bit differently.

I’m not accusing her of anything by the way, I’m just asking the question because she might be having ideas of them playing happy families or something.

SisterNotCisTerf · 05/08/2018 18:42

poor girl. Is she definitely certain she wants to have the baby? Raise it? Most likely alone with no boyfriend? 100 miles away from her mum? And sacrifice her education and career prospects? I was a teen Mum, she can have babies later, when it’s not such a bad situation. My life was/is so unnecessarily hard. I wouldn’t wish that on any teenage girl if they could choose not to.

Original poster

Papergirl1968 · 05/08/2018 18:54

Seems likely from what you all say that it is the new boyfriend’s then.
I don’t know his family at all, other than that he lives quite a distance from his parents and is in some sort of supported accommodation for young people. No idea why.
Dd has nearly split up from him twice in the last few days due to jealousy over his ex coming round to discuss her own pregnancy.
Dd is terrified social services will make her have an abortion. I’ve briefly discussed abortion with her and she’s adamant she wants to keep it.
I have a pre arranged meeting with children’s services on Tuesday so will ask dd if I can tell them.
I’m concerned she wouldn’t be able to care for a child. She’s got no common sense, is very immature, and can be violent. She has several convictions for assault. I just can’t see her having patience with a screaming baby in the middle of the night. For the baby’s sake, I would hope any social worker would say she needs supervision, at least until she’s proved she can take care of it.
I’d be willing to help, of course - it would be my grandchild. I just don’t know if my dd and I can live together in harmony.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 05/08/2018 18:59

No one can force her to have a termination but they will probably want to talk through all the options with her and it is likely she will have to undergo an assessment of her ability and capacity to care for her child. She will have to be made to realise that she is now the adult and will have to face the responsibility that comes with being a parent. It will not be easy.

Stillme1 · 05/08/2018 19:24

Apollo - Surely no SW would have a very young mum who already has convictions for violence, a bad temper and no common sense alone with a baby. That is a dreadful decision. If anything were to happen the chances are that it would be too late!
I don't want to scare OP. I have watched something similar and I was not impressed with how many chances were given by SW. The result was just short of the worst case scenario
I need to see SW as having the highest care possible

Original poster

Papergirl1968 · 05/08/2018 19:28

She says she was using a condom with the new boyfriend but she’s a compulsive liar so it’s hard to know what the truth is.
I know she was trying to persuade the old boyfriend to have a baby, but he was reluctant.
I suspect she has been jealous of the ex girlfriend’s claim on the new boyfriend due to being pregnant but I think they only found out about that pregnancy a week or so ago so she probably didn’t have chance to plan a pregnancy - it just happened.
First step will be to ask her to do another pregnancy test in front of me, just in case this whole thing is a fabrication. Unfortunately I do think she is probably pregnant though. She sounded shell shocked. And the new boyfriend's aunt confirmed she’d seen her do a pregnancy test.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 05/08/2018 19:41

Stillme1. Where did I say SW would leave her alone with a baby? They will assess her throughout the pregnancy and make a decision on what should happen at the time of birth. This all depends on many factors and could be anything from leaving the baby alone with her to removing the baby at birth with many different options in between. That's why I suggested OP thinks about whether she would be willing to raise the child should her DD be unable to do so.

violets17 · 05/08/2018 19:43

OP - this sounds harsh but I am not judging you or her honestly. How about just - save yourself.

Social Services will have dealt with this situation thousands of times before, they are the professionals. Perhaps you could leave the situation in their hands?

She doesn't sound amenable to your help/support/suggestions so what are you supposed to do?

titchy · 05/08/2018 19:54

Can you still get those fake baby dolls that scream in the middle of the night till you've fed them for an hour? Might make her realise the reality and rethink her no abortion stance.

Original poster

Papergirl1968 · 05/08/2018 19:55

We have a difficult relationship. We love each other but we spark off each other too.
When we discussed pregnancy hypothetically a few weeks ago, and I was trying to put her off, I said children’s services might not allow her to raise a child, especially with no support, and she said she’d rather me raise it than Foster carers. She was abused and neglected by birth family and a poor experience in the care system herself for years and is very damaged. She rushes into relationships and friendships at about 100 mph but can’t maintain them. I doubt this latest lad will last more than a few weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Papergirl1968 · 05/08/2018 20:14

She’s just rung in tears asking me to get her. Five hour round trip so will update tomorrow. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 05/08/2018 20:18

OP do you want to have a baby? Because you bet your life it will all be left to you.

Kid wants a puppy. Promises to look after it. Mum ends up with a dog.

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely see your concerns for the innocent potential child in this and how it cannot be allowed to be neglected. And clearly your DD needs support, too, whatever happens with the pregnancy.

What a terrible position for you, caught between a rock and a hard place.

LeftRightCentre · 05/08/2018 20:31

Dd has nearly split up from him twice in the last few days due to jealousy over his ex coming round to discuss her own pregnancy.

So the new boyfriend has already another girl who is pregnant to him? I think what your DD sees as ideal is that you deal with her baby entirely and she lives in your house doing exactly as she pleases. If that's something that can work for you, then by all means offer that type of support. Of course she doesn't want a termination, she wants to keep the baby whilst doing none of the work and parenting and continuing her life as pleases her.

WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 05/08/2018 20:44

Oh man.

This girl needs help in so many different ways.
If I was that boys mother, I would be painfully and bitterly disappointed in him.
Two girls pregnant just weeks apart.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/08/2018 20:54

Make sure you take care of yourself as well as your DD. You may be in for a long and bumpy journey.

makingmiracles · 05/08/2018 21:20

Pre birth dna tests are available, I know because I’ve had one, it’s a blood test in which potential father(s) and mother has blood taken, the result took about two weeks(sent to America) it’s not cheap though, cost £1k.

Sounds like she needs a lot of support, if she’s keeps the baby at bare minimum I’d expect ss to place her at a mother and baby assessment unit given her previous convictions for violence/assault to see if she is capable of caring for the child.

Can you get her speaking to a teenage pregnancy midwife or a proffesssional of some kind who can go through her options with her and explain the pros and cons etc? not saying you are not able but may come better from a neutral person. Luckily she is so early in the pregnancy so has quite a few options right now.

Stillme1 · 05/08/2018 22:12

Apollo I stand corrected. I an over worrying due to other matters not connected to this OP or thread.

Notevilstepmother · 05/08/2018 23:07

I’m pleased she has called you, that is a good sign. Not much to say, thinking of you.

Notevilstepmother · 05/08/2018 23:10

If OP is able to look after her then there should be no need for her to go to a mum and baby flat. I’m sure OP is quite able to work with SW during assessment.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/08/2018 23:17

She needs to know that SW can’t make her have a termination but she could have the child removed.

She really doesn’t sound as if she is going to be able to look after a baby. I hope tonight goes well and I hope SS can be supportive, whatever happens.

lapenguin · 05/08/2018 23:17

Hopefully it all works out in the end. I know a lot of women see babies as someone that will love them unconditionally when they can't find love somewhere else.
If she goes through with it then I hope she matures and handles it well

Fruitbatdancer · 05/08/2018 23:20

Christ. No words, just for you. Sounds like You are being a great support to her and being an awesome mum in extremely difficult circumstances.

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