Abortion - Heart and Head!!

[mads20]

Hello, new to this and been debating for days on whether or not to post on a forum. I am 20 years old and just found out on Monday i am about 4/5 weeks pregnant (my clear blue said 2-3 weeks but supposedly this would be 4-5 weeks medically). This was not planned and we really tried to prevent once myself and my partner had realised a mistake had happened (we tried to get the morning after pill from 3 places all out of stock!)

Anyway, i have just been on holiday with my mum and the whole time i knew i was pregnant - i didn't feel right (sickness and dizziness) and i just "knew". My instant reaction was not happy or angry but confused - i have been with my partner for 4 years and we speak all the time about wanting children but obviously not yet! we don't live together, have no savings (we first got together when we were only 16&18 and have been enjoying our freedom as young adults) and to make matters worse i got myself into debt big time last year. luckily my parents were able to consolidate this debt and i am currently paying my dad back around 567 a month - up until june 2019!!

my boyfriends insant reaction is to get rid, we have spoken to both of our mums who say the same - it is up to us but you don't have to be a genius to know that this is the wrong time. i can't however seem to draw the same conclusion and already feel emotionally attached to this baby, the thought of terminating is something that i am really struggling to come to terms with and something that i honestly feel i will never get over. i know that everyone is trying to suggest whats best but i don't feel like anyone understands what i am going through.

the biggest issue is finance and the fact we both live at home still, i am petrified to tell my dad as i feel he would be massively disappointed but i know the only way i would stand any chance in keeping this baby is if he can lower my monthly payments on the debt... alongside this we both have cars on finance - no idea how i would get out of mine - if it wasn't for the debt management i am doing each month i would have around 700 disposable income but whats done is done and i really don't know how i would get my dad to come around to this decision.

my boyfriend also refuses to rent a property as he is strongly against it, i said to him this is the price to pay for making this mistake with me but i cannot get him on board to keep it yet let alone to move into rented accommodation.

i am really torn as i wake up everyday thinking i am strong enough to go through with the termination for the sake of this baby future but as the day goes on i know i will not be able to go through with this.

we have an appointment tomorrow with my GP to discuss abortion, how it works and the process but i know all i will want to hear is the development of my baby and for a reason to convince my boyfriend we should keep this.

i feel like i am the only one that wants this baby and as much as my boyfriend is supportive i know he will never understand how i feel, if i go through with this abortion i don't know if i will cope :(

sorry for the mammoth post!! has anyone been in a similar situation and can provide any help/support? xx

you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Book in for an abortion asap.Without a second thought and be free. Otherwise you have . a noose around your neck.

Mountainsoutofmolehills
This is the worst information that anyone could ever give how cold hearted!

I felt attachment the first time round with a mix of scared and wonder. With hindsight for me it was the best decision but only because I went on to have two children under better circumstances with someone who wanted kids and realise now how hard it can be.

Under my circumstances I would have been a single Mum living with my mum on benefits, probably stuck in minimum wage jobs if I went back to work.

With my two dc I met someone where he already had a house I moved into, he was financially ok and it enabled me to be a SAHM for 6 years then go back to work in something I wanted to do. He is also a very hands on dad, even though we aren't together, and as I suffer from depression and anxiety I find motherhood harder than some so having that extra support helps a lot.

@mountainsoutofmolehills I find your response incredibly unhelpful and insulting. "without a second thought" - well I am a week after the pregnancy test and have thought of nothing else, I have passed second thought!!!! also, a noose around your neck? please explain

@liberation1 thanks so much for all your advice, in an ideal world that is how my partner is envisaging this - in a few years time we can start again in a better position... im so glad it worked out for the best for you I suppose it is the fear of the unknown that makes my decision even harder! xx

Please be assured a child is not a noose around your neck!

A good way to test how you feel is;

If you feel more dread than anything else then your mind is probably telling you it's not what you want.

If you feel a strong mix of excitement and fear then it will probably turn out to be something extremely rewarding for you.

Obviously if you just feel excitement then it's what you want.

But the things I have felt a strong mix of excitement and fear of in life have always turned out to be the most rewarding.

@thewhale2903 thanks for your support, no idea why someone would come on to say such a thing!!!

My daughter (18) fell pregnant last year, I was devastated. I so wanted her to have an abortion, though I never voiced that opinion to her - I didn't think she (we - she still lives at home) would cope. Prior to being pregnant she was out all the time partying, wasteful, irresponsible - the thought of her having a baby filled me with dread.

My grandson is a year old now and I couldn't be prouder of my daughter. She is an amazing mum, much better than I ever was and my DGS is a wonderful little boy, a blessing to our little family.

I'm just writing this to say, people change - however people around you feel right now might not be the way they feel when the baby arrives. When my daughter said she was keeping her baby I was secretly gutted; that feels bizarre to me now - I'm glad she followed her heart because it absolutely was the best decision for her. He has given her a new focus in life, she wants the very best for him and will do anything to achieve that - without him she just wasn't bothered about anything.

I had an abortion, instantly regretted it (felt I'd already bonded) but as time went on that regret left me and now I 100% know I made the right decision.

You have to make the right decision for you, whatever that is

I was in a position where I knew that it would be my only chance to have a child. I backed out initially, but ended up going through with surgical termination at 10 weeks. I had to go alone, in a foreign country, as my then fiance was overseas at the time. I wasn't sure until I went into surgery whether I was going through with it or not.

It was absolutely the right decision. I didn't have your debts, but neither did I have much in the way of savings. I had a postgraduate degree to finish. I didn't have the financial resources, even with my fiancé's support, to raise our child without needing to rely on someone else, whether welfare, friends or family. I felt that, if I was to have a child, it wasn't responsible to go ahead unless we were able to manage alone, and to me, it felt immoral to bring a child into the world knowing that I'd have to rely on outside resources or that the child would suffer.

The day of the operation was tough and I did cry once I'd left the clinic and was alone. I had complications and needed a hysteroscopy and then another d and c in the weeks after. I have not been able to have children of my own, and now it's too late: but it was still absolutely the correct decision, for us and for the potential child. I don't regret the termination, and I didn't have issues arising from it, despite not being sure-and being told I could back out-upstairs to being knocked out by the anaesthetic.

I am actually quite proud of myself for sticking to my principles and putting the potential child first, however difficult it was at the time: which is perhaps why I don't have lasting regrets at potentially having lost my only chance at children.

You should do what is right for you, op - my story is just to show you that even someone with doubts about the termination and a connection to the cells, right up until the las moment, can come through unscathed and without regrets.

I'm not sure being proud of a termination is the right way to feel maybe. Sorry if that is it but I think that's a strange way to look at it.

*blunt

In making your decision it’d be sensible to assume that by far the most likely scenario would be that in the relatively near future you would be a single parent and, unless you would get significant financial and practical help from family, in difficult financial circumstances.

Many fathers sadly take no role in parenting and pay no maintenance.

Your personal financial situation is also difficult because of your existing big debts.

Your partner hasn't shown much impetus to buy rather than rent if he spent all bis savings. His income is high, if he is living at home and not paying for his keep.

You sound as if you are getting a grip on things - good for you! It is mad that you had such high finance for a car at your age and income, and when saving for a home, ...but you know now and can make realistic decisions in future. Good for you - and hopefully your DP will step up iin yturn.

I really hope so for all your sakes - best of luck, OP! Good luck with your dad.

However tough it is to begin with, it is true babies change people!

You poor love. Your posts scream that you totally want and love this baby already!

Yes you're dad's reaction might not be initially great (but it might!) but this really is your decision at the end of the day.

Life isn't perfect and ideal but I think I can tell that you'd hate to have an abortion. Please don't regret it

Mountainsoutofmolehills what a dreadfully cold post.
I would hope from that, that you are either a troll or you don't have children.
Disgusting

You can hope that your boyfriend steps up, but be clear that the odds are far higher that he won’t and you’ll be parenting alone with very little money. Lots of women do, and are fine, but it’s not easy.

Good luck tonight OP, only you can make this choice regardless of anyone else's opinions including people on the internet who will have their own beliefs and experiences that will impact their views. The people you talk to tonight are the people who can actually support you through this which ever way you choose to go, so I hope you're ok and they listen to you, I do agree with PPs that it's these people you will have to look to as bf will run a mile, his behaviour thus far has been awful.

Yes, a more succinct version of what I was trying to say - proceed if you are ok with doing it on your own. If the dad steps up, that’s great but I wouldn’t count on it, even if he was supportive of you having the baby.

You may never have heard of someone saying they regret having a child but that is a big taboo that takes an immense amount of bravery to disclose. There are threads on here on occasion where women quietly discuss their feelings around this. Motherly love is not some sort of salve that makes everything better- for many it's as close as there is in this world to magic, but it's not like that for everyone. As others have said you can be sad about being in a situation where you needed an abortion, but know that it was the right thing to do and not feel regret.

If I were your mum and dad I would be very concerned. You've got into a considerable amount of debt quite young and still got the car (rather than for example handed it back and put the monthly repayments towards the debt), but your dad thankfully bailed you out. Now at 20 you're pregnant and not in a position to leave home and raise the child independently; they may well consider that the much of the responsibility and costs of having the baby will be foisted on them. It's quite clear that your boyfriend isn't going to go the distance whether you have the baby or terminate, so again they will either have to help practically or see their own much loved daughter struggle.

I don't say these things to be horrible but rather help you see where they might be coming from if they are not as positive as you should wish. Forewarned is forearmed. But I do think you should drop the idea of having a little house and the baby with your boyfriend. It's unlikely to happen that way- whilst some men "come round", there are many more that do a runner. Any man that doesn't pull out of a holiday under these circumstances is not capable or putting his partner before himself.

If you imagine yourself doing all the night feeds, juggling work with childcare (or having to give up work completely), studying for professional qualifications whilst baby wrangling singlehandedly, sharing a room with your baby for however long it takes to get your own place, no car, and all the other stuff that happens to every new parent then of course you should go for it. Neither choice is easy.

Hi everyone, i done it! i told my dad and i have never been more overwhelmed in my life...

the response was amazing and really touching, in fact - i'd say he took it better than my mum who is super laid back!

they said they would never force me to do something as they would never live with the guilt, that being said it is quite clearly not the right time.... they said whatever i choose they will stand by and support me no matter what!

with that being said, i have made the decision to KEEP my baby! i haven't told anyone yet as i need some time to process this, next port of call will be my partner i hope he will step up but either way this is happening :)

thanks so much to all you lovely ladies for the support it has been the most amazing thing i ever done signing up to this site - i never would've told my parents and been here today if i didn't!

loads of love xxxx

Omg I'm so happy for you. Congratulations. Please keep us updated with your pregnancy etc. All the best xx

My very best wishes for your future happiness

All the best OP

That’s lovely of your dad. Best wishes!