Abortion - Heart and Head!!

[mads20]

Hello, new to this and been debating for days on whether or not to post on a forum. I am 20 years old and just found out on Monday i am about 4/5 weeks pregnant (my clear blue said 2-3 weeks but supposedly this would be 4-5 weeks medically). This was not planned and we really tried to prevent once myself and my partner had realised a mistake had happened (we tried to get the morning after pill from 3 places all out of stock!)

Anyway, i have just been on holiday with my mum and the whole time i knew i was pregnant - i didn't feel right (sickness and dizziness) and i just "knew". My instant reaction was not happy or angry but confused - i have been with my partner for 4 years and we speak all the time about wanting children but obviously not yet! we don't live together, have no savings (we first got together when we were only 16&18 and have been enjoying our freedom as young adults) and to make matters worse i got myself into debt big time last year. luckily my parents were able to consolidate this debt and i am currently paying my dad back around 567 a month - up until june 2019!!

my boyfriends insant reaction is to get rid, we have spoken to both of our mums who say the same - it is up to us but you don't have to be a genius to know that this is the wrong time. i can't however seem to draw the same conclusion and already feel emotionally attached to this baby, the thought of terminating is something that i am really struggling to come to terms with and something that i honestly feel i will never get over. i know that everyone is trying to suggest whats best but i don't feel like anyone understands what i am going through.

the biggest issue is finance and the fact we both live at home still, i am petrified to tell my dad as i feel he would be massively disappointed but i know the only way i would stand any chance in keeping this baby is if he can lower my monthly payments on the debt... alongside this we both have cars on finance - no idea how i would get out of mine - if it wasn't for the debt management i am doing each month i would have around 700 disposable income but whats done is done and i really don't know how i would get my dad to come around to this decision.

my boyfriend also refuses to rent a property as he is strongly against it, i said to him this is the price to pay for making this mistake with me but i cannot get him on board to keep it yet let alone to move into rented accommodation.

i am really torn as i wake up everyday thinking i am strong enough to go through with the termination for the sake of this baby future but as the day goes on i know i will not be able to go through with this.

we have an appointment tomorrow with my GP to discuss abortion, how it works and the process but i know all i will want to hear is the development of my baby and for a reason to convince my boyfriend we should keep this.

i feel like i am the only one that wants this baby and as much as my boyfriend is supportive i know he will never understand how i feel, if i go through with this abortion i don't know if i will cope :(

sorry for the mammoth post!! has anyone been in a similar situation and can provide any help/support? xx

This was my friend at 19. And me at 20.

Both of us couldn’t go through with abortions, despite pressure to do so.

Like you, I felt an instant attachment. I think had I gone through with an abortion I would have found it hard to cope.

Father was an areshole, and that’s another story. At the end of the day, the father can disappear anyway. But you and your baby, that’s forever.

Your decision is yours and yours alone. You’re the one that has to go through a termination or giving birth.

Neither decision is right or wrong.

Finances can change. People can change. It’s about whether YOU want to have this baby.

Good luck x

OP, a termination would be your partner’s preferred option but if you did what he preferred he would go off on holiday and leave you to it?

I am really sorry to say that I see some red flags in your relationship. He earns good money but prefers to live with his parents than live with you, at 22? He is either very immature, or not ready to commit, or not commit to you.

He has a LOT of growing up to do, and in truth you both do, really, not having lefy home or had other partners etc.

Having a baby and toddler to look after is incredibly hard. Tiring, wearing, often extremely lonely, and cuts you going out. Childcare is very very expensive so you could find yourself out of the workplace. I can’t see how you could keep your car unless your parents or DP take over payments.

I know this is as hard as hard can be, but let your heart spend a little time imagining real life as a possible single, broke, parent of a baby.

Just as part of the decision making process.

gluteustothemaximus
I whole heartedly agree, once your baby arrives they become the most important person in life. Money might be a struggle but you will work it out.
I also can't believe that your partner would go off on holiday and leave you to go through a termination by yourself. That is very selfish.

Just a thought - 9 months is a long time to be pregnant. You’ll be due beginning of Feb?? Debt finishes in June - that’s 4 months, not very long. From then on you’ll have more disposable income and may be in a better position to rent.

My heart goes out to you. I had an abortion in my mid 20s. I was very indecisive about it. But I went ahead. I still feel guilty but on the other hand I’m aware of all the things I got to do that having a baby at that point wouldn’t have allowed. I now have 3 young kids, am in my late 30s.

Good luck. Will be thinking of you xx

Scrub that was me at 20 with my boyfriend. He was 23, lived at home, didn't want to live with me or commit in that way despite earning a full time wage and being with me for 5 years. I made the decision to abort and the fact he didn't come with me and we split a few months later really confirmed my decision was the right one for me.

If you think you want to keep your baby Life charity provide counselling and it might help you to talk to people with a supportive view as you seem to be under a lot of pressure to terminate. (They are a pro life charity). Their philosophy is to help people overcome the problems which are making it difficult to continue with a pregnancy so they provide some practical support, including some housing. Hope you come to a decision you are comfortable with and get plenty of support from the people around you.

I hope it is ok at GP today op.

You seem very worried about not getting your boyfriend on board and also paying your dad back. These are short term things that will pass in a few years.

If your bf is not on board I would say, tough, his loss. You and your feelings are all that matter. It is not selfish to keep your baby if that is what you want, not at all.

Don't worry about where you will live, my youngest co slept with me till he was three. I'm sure you will have sorted out something way before then.

Your dad might let you pay him back when you're in a better financial position. I know you were going to tell him and I hope that went well.

If you want the baby, stand your ground and fight for what you want. No one else's opinions really matter in the long run.

I also think it's appalling that your partner is pressurising you for a termination and wanting to go on holiday when you would be having that termination, OP. He's behaving incredibly badly. I don't think you should involve him in your decision to be honest. He doesn't sound like the kind of person you need in your life (unless he really steps up now!).

Thanks all for the messages again... we went to the appointment today and I broke down when she was explaining what will happen if I go through, she said if I was to have the medical abortion I would see the tissue - if not, they will physically go in and scrape it out...

my partner had a bit of a break down to me afterwards explaining how he understands how I feel but he still feels that we should go head with the termination... he keeps saying he understands how I feel but I know he doesn't.. he is a good partner and I could not fault for him for the last 4 years we have been together, I love him and I know he loves me but somehow I feel whatever decision we make this could be the end of our relationship - he is adamant he will stand by me but he also will not accept what I am telling him and keeps coming back with the same answer of "if we wait things will be perfect now is not the right time"

anyway, I went ahead and booked the referral as the gp explained they will give me the best possible options and explain what will happen - I am thinking this will give my boyfriend a better understanding as I know that he is quite naïve to this.

I have decided to tell my dad once I have had the appointment on Friday as I know this appointment is going to make my decision to keep a hell of a lot easier as I know full well it will freak me out.. however, I feel I should make sure my boyfriend is as educated on this as possible as I know deep down if I keep this baby he will come around and be a great dad.

as much as I am entertaining this termination I know in my heart I cannot go through with it.... I will keep you all posted xx

I don't think you should be entertaining it at all then. You may end up going through with this.
I sorry to say it doesn't sound as though your partner does understand how you feel. If both of you are upset about the decision to terminate then you really shouldn't do it. You may end up deciding in 2 years time that it is the right time to have a child then it will really all have been for nothing. I've seen this happen on more than one occasion.
It is not I'm just tissue it is a human life and like you said you have an attachment to this child.
You need to be firmer with your bf, you hoped your appointment today would make him come round but it didn't, I doubt the next one will. Also it's not him that has to go through the horrific procedure, he will be on holiday having a lovely time.

I know, I keep telling him he doesn't understand as if he did understand he would be trying to make this work.

I have just told him that I am keeping this baby, whether I do or not I NEED him to explore the option as so far all he has said is no no no. I need to know if he will stick by me whatever!

also furious he hasn't considered cancelling this holiday but hoping it will give him the space and time he may need to comes to to terms with being a dad! x

He is not going to come round at this appt. he is being a selfish prick. How can he even think of going on holiday. You need to stop factoring him into your decisions and put yourself first. As you say, it's unlikely you will stay together. I'm not sure why you think he's going to come round and be a good dad, so far he's coming across as a lousey partner.

its really difficult for me to comes to terms with his attitude as I have been with him for so long and never thought I would be in this situation - he has just said if I rent I am on my own as he wont ever rent.... I said he needs to take responsibility for what has happened and at this point I am absolutely furious with his attitude... how dare someone say they will support me whatever and yet here I am giving them the decision and he wont accept it let alone move on and deal with it?! for someone that I love so much to act like this has really broken my heart but right now my main focus is on getting my families support, I know they will eventually it will just take a while with the dad - my mum/auntie are both very supportive as they already know and understand how difficult this is :( xx

Sorry op I’ve been reading and although I’m not in your situation, (i’m pregnant and 20 too-but was planned) I feel like it’s best if you, your auntie and your mum sit down with your dad and explain Your reasons and the way you feel. I’m sure he will come around. My mum and dad found it as a shock because I didn’t tell them I was planning it, however they came round very quickly especially after the first scan photo. I’m now 26 weeks and just looking forward to having my little boy here.
I think that your bf (although you been with him a long time) is not ready for the commitment of a child and I’m sure with your families help you will be a brilliant Mum. You may feel heartbreak now, but I’m sure if you choose to have this baby and you see him for the first time, you will feel like he was worth everything you have gone through. 💕 let us know how the talk with your dad goes

Him or her* sorry I’ve gotten use to calling babies ‘hims’

@mads20 Hey!

I'm currently cuddling my 5 day old daughter..

My partner and I had been together for 5 years when I found out I was pregnant and he COMPLETELY freaked out. He said all the things you shouldn't say and was anything but supportive and said we aren't ready and can't do this. It was like he hated me for saying I can't have an abortion..

Eventually he came round to the idea because well.. He had to!

Fast forward to now and he's absolutely obsessed with her! He's a completely different person. All he does is swoon over his little girl and tells her how much he loves her and how happy he is to be a Dad.

The other night he broke down into tears because of what he said beginning and said he feels so guilty about it as he can't imagine his life without her now.

Babies are amazing and they change people.

I understand you have a lot of financial issues but there is always a way. Nobody is going to let the baby suffer because of finances!

Just stay strong and don't do anything you'll regret. My friend couldn't even congratulate me because she has a termination and was in therapy for it.

Keep us posted, I'll be thinking of you!! X

mads20
I feel terrible for you, I think he is being an utter prick.
Why don't you tell him to hurry up and save for a deposit for a house for you all to live in!
He is clutching at straws because he doesn't want the responsibility of a child. Your dad will probably be more angry at him for this than your pregnancy.

congratulations on your pregnancy @gem173 and thank you for sharing, Its really lovely to hear! I hope everything goes well:) and @cosmoa I keep hoping that could be the same in my situation if I ever get round to making the decision.... I know he would be a good dad!!

@thewhale2903 , I know - he had savings last year and spent them all! he earns really good money in the summer as he gets paid hourly and last year was bringing home around 2200 a month! I said if he knuckled down he would be able to save for a deposit by October if we used help to buy!!
I said to my friend that I think my Dad will be absolutely furious if I was to tell him how my partner had been, realistically I doubt my family would let me carry on without looking at helping my financial situation?!

I have already thought 8 months down the line about holding this baby in my arms and I so long for this to happen in a loving family with our space... I wonder if the only way things will get sorted are if I dig my heels in and tell everyone this is whats happening and to get on board.. tempted to speak to my boyfriends sister who I am incredibly close with and I know feels the same about termination, I know it is wrong as she is his sister but I have absolutely no one fighting my corner and my partner has his mum onside! my mum is very passive and wouldn't get involved and is just here to support the outcome but his mum is very strong minded and she often controls a lot of his life I wonder if he is trying to keep her happy! xx

It's so unfair the way a woman can be pressured into keeping a baby she doesn't want, or aborting a baby she does want. It is entirely YOUR decision as it is YOUR body. No one, will understand your exact situation. Even those of us who have been there, as we all react differently to situations.

You've already pictured yourself holding your baby in 8 months time. So I think there's your answer.

All you need to do, is realise that no matter what happens, you will be the baby's constant. Everything else can change.

'Good' partners, looking forward to being a Dad, can realise they don't want the responsibility and leave. Partners who aren't looking forward to it, could turn around and love being a Dad. Either way, you don't know. Either way, your decision should be made based on YOU.

Futures are never certain. You can be financially stable, have a baby, then lose a job. Or you can be broke, have a baby, then find a great job.

I once knew a couple who were never financially ready (even though they were) and they're still childless as when they started TTC, it was too late.

If you were my daughter I'd be completely on the fence, and exploring ALL your options with you. Until you decided what YOU wanted to do. And as soon as I knew what would make you happy, you'd get all the support you needed for a termination, or all the support you needed for having a baby.

Good luck x

Hello everyone, decided to bite the bullet and tell my dad tonight - if he can help with my debt that is a massive weight lifted!!!

anyone know how I can get out of my car finance early? bought for 10800 and owe 7280, could only get about 6300 if I sold privately..xx

@mads20 hey,
I had my first daughter almost 10 years ago and I was quite young, I never regretted that choice and we are so close! I then got pregnant again when she was 2 and decided on a termination, my dp and I weren’t getting on and I had severe pnd, it was quite traumatic for me and I do look back on it and think what if.... 😔

I’m now pregnant again, almost 9 weeks and was very shocked at first and scared but I felt an almost immediate attachment and realised what ever happened I have to keep this baby, it just felt right!!!!!

You need to do what’s right for you, your family will support you whatever their judgement and there’s a lot of help for us mums out there!

If you do decide to terminate then don’t feel guilty but make sure you are doing it for your own reasons and not other peoples!

Lots of hugs xx

I’ve got car finance too! 😂😂
You could try and get 0% deal on a credit card, means less interest and paid off quicker? Are you able to pay off a lump of it?? Xx

Just wanted to say 1) I agree with others you should go to one of those pro life charities if you’re pretty sure you want to keep as they can help with the costs, 2) it’s really almost never perfect when you have a baby - I did everything ‘right’, good career, 30s, married and my dh who is been with years got terribly depressed as he found the pressure and tiredness/relentless of parenting so hard, hopefully we’ll stay together but there is never a guarantee in life. It was also a huge struggle to fit the children around my job. There isn’t a right way to do life although probably if you did wait til you had more money and further in your career it helps some things with children. Childcare is a huge expense.

Lastly, 3) if you were on your own relationship wise with the baby, would that be a price worth paying? We all really have to consider this question as you never knew with people and your dp doesn’t seem to be listening - maybe it’s his mum driving who knows but I’m not sure that’ll stop if that’s the dynamic?

Hey OP.

Sorry to echo others but you really do need to get used to the fact that your boy friend is not going to be around for this, and will not support you practically. You are perfectly entitled to keep the baby that you both created (albeit by accident) but he is only expected to pay for maintenance. You started the thread saying that you know him well after 4 years but within a few days of him finding out about your pregnancy he is almost unrecognisable to you.

You need to make peace with doing this totally 100% alone and without him. Then you will not be dissapointed.

Also, you may want this baby but single parent hood is hard. Practical stuff. You have nowhere to live. What will you do about child care so you can return to work? Are you totally fine with doing every single ball creaking night feed on your own and then still working a full time shift to pay the bills?

I have had several abortions. The last was my husbands baby, between our 3-4th children. I was devastated but I knew we could not cope with me being pregnant with a 12 week old and two primary age kids. I got over it though, as much you can. And with the medical pill, you do not really see anything recognisable. It is just like a bad period.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Can anyone give me some more advice in regards to the pro-life charities? Thinking they may be my best option..

Thanks for sharing own abortion experiences, I wonder if you felt the attachment or you knew from day one what the plan was? I worry that I have thought too much about the baby to go ahead, but how can I help myself?!

x