Abortion - Heart and Head!!

[mads20]

Hello, new to this and been debating for days on whether or not to post on a forum. I am 20 years old and just found out on Monday i am about 4/5 weeks pregnant (my clear blue said 2-3 weeks but supposedly this would be 4-5 weeks medically). This was not planned and we really tried to prevent once myself and my partner had realised a mistake had happened (we tried to get the morning after pill from 3 places all out of stock!)

Anyway, i have just been on holiday with my mum and the whole time i knew i was pregnant - i didn't feel right (sickness and dizziness) and i just "knew". My instant reaction was not happy or angry but confused - i have been with my partner for 4 years and we speak all the time about wanting children but obviously not yet! we don't live together, have no savings (we first got together when we were only 16&18 and have been enjoying our freedom as young adults) and to make matters worse i got myself into debt big time last year. luckily my parents were able to consolidate this debt and i am currently paying my dad back around 567 a month - up until june 2019!!

my boyfriends insant reaction is to get rid, we have spoken to both of our mums who say the same - it is up to us but you don't have to be a genius to know that this is the wrong time. i can't however seem to draw the same conclusion and already feel emotionally attached to this baby, the thought of terminating is something that i am really struggling to come to terms with and something that i honestly feel i will never get over. i know that everyone is trying to suggest whats best but i don't feel like anyone understands what i am going through.

the biggest issue is finance and the fact we both live at home still, i am petrified to tell my dad as i feel he would be massively disappointed but i know the only way i would stand any chance in keeping this baby is if he can lower my monthly payments on the debt... alongside this we both have cars on finance - no idea how i would get out of mine - if it wasn't for the debt management i am doing each month i would have around 700 disposable income but whats done is done and i really don't know how i would get my dad to come around to this decision.

my boyfriend also refuses to rent a property as he is strongly against it, i said to him this is the price to pay for making this mistake with me but i cannot get him on board to keep it yet let alone to move into rented accommodation.

i am really torn as i wake up everyday thinking i am strong enough to go through with the termination for the sake of this baby future but as the day goes on i know i will not be able to go through with this.

we have an appointment tomorrow with my GP to discuss abortion, how it works and the process but i know all i will want to hear is the development of my baby and for a reason to convince my boyfriend we should keep this.

i feel like i am the only one that wants this baby and as much as my boyfriend is supportive i know he will never understand how i feel, if i go through with this abortion i don't know if i will cope :(

sorry for the mammoth post!! has anyone been in a similar situation and can provide any help/support? xx

I had a termination in my early 20s. I was in a loving relationship but it absolutely wasn't the right time in terms of money - we were struggling in a studio flat.

What made my decision was considering what kind of life I wanted for a child. I wanted to be more settled and comfortable financially. I never regretted my decision. It doesn't always come with guilt.

If you were my daughter I would be urging you to think about what's best for you and a future child. Good luck in whatever you choose

OP, I'm sorry you're in this difficult position!

Just wanted to say that it's not selfish to keep your baby, ever. Your body, your right to choose. It's great that your BF thinks seriously about things - but your ability to form loving bonds is probably one of the things he loves about you and he needs to consider that too! No one has the right to influence the choices you make around this. It's your body and you will be living with the consequences more than anyone else. Just now, you have no way of knowing how you'll feel. If you have a termination and are one of the people who find it difficult in years to come, your BF may or may not be there in the future to support you. So you need to be happy with your own choice.

From what you've said, it doesn't sound as if you will be at peace making a decision to terminate. About your dad...if you're carrying a baby and you want that baby, I reckon you're a mum first and a daughter second. If your dad is a caring father and you explain your deep feelings about this baby and exactly how hard you tried to be responsible (not your fault the chemists weren't stocked up!), surely there's a good chance he will try to be understanding.

Sometimes I look back and wonder what might have been but it’s fleeting and not tinged with sadness.

Also this. I occasionally think things like crikey, I could have a child doing their GCSEs now...but it doesn't make me sad.

Lots of women dont regret it, arent scarred for life, and just move on and get on with their lives.

Hard to predict whether the OP will be one of those women. And if she does regret it, it's not necessarily because society is telling her to do so. Maybe she just wants this baby. That's ok too.

You poor love. You sound to me like youre a strong lady and are already feeling a bond. As others have said do not be forced into an abortion if it's not what you want.

Further to my Pp; I have had a termination, I felt no guilt or regret, it was the right thing for me, at that time.

I felt regretful that it wasn’t the right time, or man, but not regretful of my decision in tne circumstances.

The OP does not feel as I did do I have not advised her to do what I did!

I've been with 2 friends whilst they had terminations, one regretted it instantly and was a mess, and one felt it was the right thing to do for her situation, both are married with 2 kids now. I don't think hearing other people's stories makes a difference as ultimately they are not you OP.

At the end of the day no pregnant mother will be cast out on the streets the council will house you if u need it. If you really want this baby it is doable. You are still quite early you don't need to make the decision yet just take some time.

Do you think you could raise a child alone if it came to it?

Do you realise how much of a huge thing this is? It's not just the logistics of where you will live or how much money but also how much of yourself and your life changes. Are you prepared for that.

Every person can have an opinion but it's only yours that matters. Your dad will come round, if he doesn't then he's not the sort of grandad you would want for your child anyway. If you go ahead and terminate it will suck but it's rare that it affects the rest of your life.

Sorry this post isn't helpful but you can't make your mind up by listening to strangers on the internet it has to be down to you. And once you have worked out what you will do then dig your heels in and do not be swayed in any other direction. (That's when MN can help but right now it's your decision)

Shot that was long. Sorry !

It sounds to me that you need financial advice rather than emotional advice. From my guesstimate baby is due around Christmas, then you've got 6 months to continue paying your debt payments until it's clear. Baby doesn't need much in those 6 months, just you, a few clothes, a basket and nappies. You can get things second hand if needed. Once they hit childcare it can get expensive and you'll need to do the maths, but check if you're likely to be eligible for child tax credits/benefits etc before you panic. I hope it all works out for you.

To be fair chub I don't think many people truly are prepared for how much you/your life changes when you have a child no matter what the circumstances. I've known women in their 30s who own their home with a career and saving yet have had a real shell shock of how their life changed when they had their planned baby. On the other hand I'm sure there are mothers who took it all in their stride after having an unplanned baby.

Op they are right though, only you know how you feel and tbh if everyone looked at their current life/money/career/debt/what others will say when they found themselves pregnant then no one would probably have kids at all!

Omg son was 2 by the time I managed to get my own place. We moved out the day after his second birthday. You shouldn't feel guilty as this is as much his responsibility. I think it's very off of your bf mother to not allow you to stay there until you have things sorted how selfish with so much space. If this was my son I would do everything in my power to help them.
What about council housing? Would that not be an option?

Your dad may be supportive to an extent he offers to lower your monthly repayments. I’m not sure when this means your due date is but guessing January/February 2019 so your debt will be paid off soon after the baby would be born anyway. Aside from your debt, you seem to earn a decent amount for a 20 year old. You would need to look into maternity pay and whether you’d be entitled to any help whilst on it too.

You can’t allow yourself to be influenced by anyone else. Your situation isn’t great, granted but it’s not the worst situation ever. You aren’t homeless or completely broke and unemployed and this is to a long term partner rather than a one night stand or fling. It could be a very beautiful thing.

I’m completely pro choice so not trying to sway you towards keeping it but you need to make this decision alone to prevent you regretting it.

MoseShrute
No one tries to make people feel guilty they are sharing experiences and most of them are of regret. Do you have children now?

I haven't been in your situation but just my personal experience of abortion - I had one at 24 and have never regretted it, in fact I'm so glad I did it, because my life wouldn't be like it is now if I had a kid. It depends what you want from life though. I'd always be cautious of people saying "it'll work out financially" because money doesn't come from nowhere, it might not. You can't force your boyfriend to want a baby, either, and as others have said, if you decide to keep the baby he may decide he doesn't want that life (he should help financially at least though). But ultimately you have to make the right decision for you. I do think the practical, rational approach is sometimes the best option over the emotional though.

THANKS so much everyone cannot explain how amazing the support has been as I have been the only one exploring the “keep” side of this for the last week... can’t go through each response but general consensus... I suppose I need to speak to my dad as he is the only one that’s able to alleviate any financial pressure. I am going to gp tomorrow with my boyfriend to discuss the abortion and what happens - thinking then might be the time to make it seriously obvious that I want to keep this baby. I Keep telling him and he keeps going back against me saying he doesn’t think it’s right but he will support me whatever - I think if I sit In front of a neutral party and explain how I feel he might understand? I can’t get my head around him saying he will be with me through it all but then he will not take my answer as definite... I understand this is difficult for him to but he must know how I feel by now. The people I have spoken to have all said money will sort itself out but I can’t see how - the only way is if I was to increase my debt repayments for a few months, and then lower them again arounds 6months pregnant? I am due to pay everything off in June and would be due in January so need to either pay it off before or bring the payments right down.... again only my family can help with this! Sorry to vent to everyone when only I can make the decision, i think having been around people saying get rid was beginning to make me doubt my decision but tonight I am 100% sure I want To keep this baby... i worry about what life I could give it, it would have all the love in the world once our families came around as we both have big supportive families but how far can that get a baby?

I am so disappointed that I have got myself into this position as this is the one thing I have always wanted growing up....

Also, I would get normal maternity so 6 weeks at 90% of my pay (approx 1108 before tAx a month) and then the rest at statutory... my partner earns good money but not sure what our situation will be in terms of living/expenses ....
Thanks again all xx

AND THanks to everyone who has gone through with terminations providing their feedback, did you feel like you had an emotional attachment by the time you terminated or just me? I feel like this is my baby... by the time I terminate (If i do)I will be 6-8 weeks... what’s worse is boyfriend will be on holiday and expects me to be able to go with another family member, I feel like he has a really easy way out of this - I know he is finding this hard but sometimes I feel like only I know how I feel and it’s impossible to explain x

Can I also just say if you already feel an attachment to this baby please do not go through with the termination unless you are 100% sure. You feel like this is your baby that's exactly how I felt pregnant, instantly wanted to protect my child from everyone trying to end it's life.

I want to give you a hug. I really do.

I had an abortion in 2015. Baby was unplanned and to this day, I regret. I knew it was the right thing albeit though. My brother had committed suicide 3 months before I terminated at 10 weeks and 5 days. Numerous times on the day I wanted to get up and leave. My boyfriend (now fiancé) at the time didn't want the baby because of the state I was in and the fact we'd been together just over a year by that point with no savings and still living a good way apart.
Honestly, it killed me. I still think about my baby an I wish I'd have stuck with my gut and kept my baby.

We conceived our planned little girl in 2016. We had nothing but we knew it was the right time and everything just fell into place. (it can happen). We have a lovely house, he had a good job until he got let go (shit happens) and we now have a newborn ds as well as a one year old dd. We are happy and circumstances changed I credit quickly.

Abortion is hard and if you need to talk to anyone, I'm here. But you need to make the decision that's really right for you. Not your dp here, this is your body and if you have an attachment, listen to your gut and heart because things will work out either way
Good luck OP, I hope you're okay. Feel free to message me anytime. 💕

Also regarding your pp.
I felt a huge attachment. I still grieve and think about baby but it wasn't meant to be sadly. But without that I wouldn't have my two beautiful kids now

I wish you the very best and hope everything turns out well for you. Do what is best for you not anyone else

I was 20 when i had my daughter. We were thinking of a termination at first, i got to my pre-termination appointment and i just broke down, i couldnt do it. It was hard at first but we go through it. Shes 10 now and i have met an older man (11yrs older) and his kids are grown up so he doesnt plan or want anymore, I've had my daughter so i genuinly believe it can be fate.

If you deep down want this baby then dont terminate, the regret is more painful than putting your life on hold. Life can begin again when they grow up. Xx

If you already have an attachment and think about it as your baby, then it sounds like you've made up your mind not to terminate and nobody should talk you into it. I terminated at 12 weeks and felt no attachment, just absolute relief that it was gone. You sound like you feel the polar opposite and that wouldn't be the right thing for you to do. But again on the money point, I think that is something you need to have a discussion with your dad about, because as you said money doesn't just "sort itself out". Perhaps he'd be willing to let you stop your repayments for a while or lower them while you make plans for living situation etc?

Hi, i was in a similar situation to you a few years ago.

I was 21, we continued with the pregnancy, saved as much money as we both could for 9 months, moved out but rented.

Life changed alot and I didn't realize just how young I actually was, my little boy is everything to us but i feel like maybe i could of lived a bit more first and didn't realize how much life would change.

I don't no if i feel like this more because my son is severely disabled we carry a genetic condtion we didn't no about untill after birth.

It just depends on how you want to move forward with life and if your ready to be parents. In terms of income you will get child benefit and maybe child tax credits depending on your income, but don't have termination if you don't want to it's your choice. X

Don't have a termination unless you are 100% sure about it.

Perhaps you could overpay your debt to your Dad for a bit if possible.

Hope the GP appointment is useful. Also there is some counselling available at Marie Stopes I believe?

Good luck with everything OP
Wishing you all the best x x x