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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Health visitor requesting pre-birth meeting

111 replies

Bellamuerte · 22/12/2017 17:46

The health visitor has sent a letter requesting to visit when I'm 37 weeks pregnant. I won't even have a baby for her to see so don't know why she wants to come?

Is it essential to have a health visitor? Can I decline to see them at all? From what friends have said it sounds like they're just busybodies who ask nosy questions about whether you're coping and rudely inquire whether your OH is violent, and nose around your house to see if they think it's good enough for a baby, and basically look for an excuse to call social services.

One of my main concerns is that we started extending the kitchen before I got pregnant and it still isn't finished because we ran into structural problems. It's basically a shell with no cupboards, heating or even a ceiling, and the work is scheduled to take another six months to complete. I'm worried that the health visitor will report us.

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Ceebs85 · 22/12/2017 18:11

Your friends are idiots.

They don't nose around your house at all. They come to introduce themselves and their role. Tell you about support available etc. They have to ask about DV because so many women and babies are put at risk though this. I'm sad your friends think so little of them and their important role.

myrtleWilson · 22/12/2017 18:12

So victims of DV are idiots? Nice attitude OP - and DV doesn't just involve physical violence. As other posters have said most HV's are supportive and there to help you adjust to life with a new baby.

TheSameCoin · 22/12/2017 18:12

You need to understand they are not ‘insinuating’ that there may be domestic violence. It is a standard question that they ask everyone. And with very good reason. Women are vulnerable when they are pg and new mothers. Some men take advantage of this and become abusive. This is a statistically verifiable fact. All HV want to do is to make sure that women understand that help is available should they find themselves in such a position.

And don’t refer to victims of domestic violence as ‘idiots’. That’s hugely offensive.

Rumpledfaceskin · 22/12/2017 18:12

What on earth? You haven’t even met the woman yet! She might be lovely. We have 37 week visit here as routine, you will need to see them after birth for hearing checks etc for baby so you may as well not alienate them. And people who suffer DV are not idiots it can happen to anyone in the wrong circumstances.

Ceebs85 · 22/12/2017 18:12

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honeysucklejasmine · 22/12/2017 18:12

Well, with that second post I can see you are about as charming as your friends.

IDoLikeAReindeer · 22/12/2017 18:13

HV is also on the lookout for pnd signs, if they meet you before the baby arrives that allows them to see your 'normal' so that they can offer help if required.

The HV isn't going to ask if your DH is hitting you but will check you're both coping, seems not unreasonable.

coldcanary · 22/12/2017 18:14

Victims of DV aren’t ‘idiots who would allow their partners to hit them’ for a start.
That’s a daft and offensive statement to make - don’t take it so personally, they have to ask everyone they deal with.
It’s an opportunity for you to talk to them 1-1 in peace without a baby distracting either of you - they can give you information and answer any questions that might crop up.
Don’t worry about your house, it won’t be the first or last building site they’ve visited!

mustbemad17 · 22/12/2017 18:14

I was going to post regarding HV but then i saw your comment about DV. I lost a baby at 32 weeks gestation thanks to DV...guess I was an idiot to let him throw me down the stairs & kick shit out of me. Had someone taken the time to ask me about things before that point it could have changed everything.
Nice to see there are still some archaic mindsets about it all tho

notmenotyou · 22/12/2017 18:14

I would be dead without my health visitors who supported me through horrific PND. I never felt judged or like they were interfering. Every single one was lovely and life saving, truly

JackietheBackie · 22/12/2017 18:15

Midwives and Health Visitors are required to ask women about domestic abuse. Not because we think they are idiots or that their partners can't be trusted, but because pregnancy and a new baby can be a trigger for abuse, because they might not get any other chance to ask for support and to reinforce the message that they deserve to live a life free of violence and threats of violence. I am pleased you have never experienced abuse, but not everyone is as lucky.

MinorRSole · 22/12/2017 18:15

@mustbemad17 I'm so sorry to read that, heartbreaking Thanks

user1498549192 · 22/12/2017 18:16

Ok, I also hadn't seen your second post when I replied. That is horrendously offensive and ill-informed. DV is never the fault of the victim, and to suggest so is beyond insulting.

myrtleWilson · 22/12/2017 18:16

Flowers mustbemad

icklekid · 22/12/2017 18:17

"And I do find it very offensive for them to insinuate that there may be any domestic violence. It implies that I'm an idiot who'd allow someone to hit me and is basically a character assassination on DH"

Move on from this perspective and think. If them asking means one women who is being abused gets help surely it is worth asking the 99% of women who just say no. It takes asking 3 times for people to admit when there is a problem.

As others have said my health visitor was invaluable with both my children-pnd with 1st and premature birth with 2nd. Meet them and then judge. They are just humans who want to help...

BikeRunSki · 22/12/2017 18:18

I loved that the HV came to visit just before my first child was born (as it turns out, it was the day before he appeared, the best part of 3 weeks early). I was a completely clueless, older (37), first time mum. No local family, no real local friends. Knowing there was an HV service, and becoming part of it gave me a great deal of comfort and confidence. It also meant that when the MW signed me off, I knew the HV, efrrr to go for support, check ups, weighing etc. I was rather sad when my youngest child started school and I could no longer tap into my lovely HV!

Hmmalittlefishy · 22/12/2017 18:19

mustbemadFlowers

Op I hope your child is never the victim of dv and comes to you for support

NoParticularPattern · 22/12/2017 18:20

Well I was coming on here to tel you HV visits aren’t compulsory but they are usually helpful and supportive.

However all I have to say now is you sound like an absolute piece of work. Women (and men!!) who are in absusive relationships or have been in the past, are not idiots. I can’t beloeve you’ve got to this point and NOT been asked about DV. My midwife asks questions every so often that are obviously probing for answers that would signal DV problems, and HVs do the same.

How professionally offended do you have to be for someone making sure you are safe to be offensive to you? Hmm Perhaps you need a special badge that tells people how determined to be offended you are. Grow up

Mummyme87 · 22/12/2017 18:22

Wow you are unbelievably rude and stupid. Domestic abuse is not about being hit, it’s financial, emotional, physical sexual, psychological etc... and 1:4 women are a victims of domestic abuse in their life. Pregnancy is a massive risk factor for this starting, postnatal being at the peak time.
Your midwifenis also supposed to ask you about this at least 3 Times during pregnancy (not routinely happening, but it is national policy).
No one is making judgement of a person they have never met, they are simply giving you the option to disclose any concerns and the knowledge and info if you have future concerns.

Health visitors have enough safeguarding on their plate, they certainly aren’t looking for more. Sounds like they are wasting their time with you and your idiotic friends.

I am on DS2 and I don’t get offered a pre birth visit but wish I did as had postnatal depression last time and no one has asked me about it this time and would really like to discuss that now. Think yourself lucky that you’re in an area providing this care

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2017 18:22

Nasty op, those who suffer DV are victims of abuse, not idiots. Please educate yourself about DV before opening your mouth.

AprilShowers16 · 22/12/2017 18:23

Had our pre natal HV today, house was a tip and we were still in our pjs. She didn’t care, just wanted to give me a few leaflets, introduce herself, let me know about local services and check how I was feeling. It wasn’t life changing and as it’s my second baby I don’t feel that I really needed it but it was helpful to be able to ask about a few local services as I’ve moved to the area recently and appreciate the job they do for mothers who might be struggling more. Decline it if you want but don’t pay attention to your friends they sound paranoid and ridiculous

VivaLeBeaver · 22/12/2017 18:23

1 in 4 women experience domestic abuse. It often starts in pregnancy. I don’t think 1 in 4 women are idiots.

This is why everyone is asked about it now, because it’s so prevalent and you can’t tell from looking who is affected. Doesn’t matter how nice an area you live in, how well educated you are, how much money you have it could happen to anyone. Research shows that women who are affected by it are often desperate for someone to ask them.

MiaowTheCat · 22/12/2017 18:24

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/12/2017 18:25

My last pregnancy was 6 years ago, and was never visited before. Mabey things are changing.

Sullabylullaby · 22/12/2017 18:26

My experience of them is that they are indeed busybodies. 10 different ones will have 10 different opinions or advice to give. They would be my last port of call if I needed medical advice.

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