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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Hubby says he leaving after birth

125 replies

flowa79 · 18/08/2017 03:31

Iv been married 19yrs and have 3 children 20, 19 and 16. Recently found out expecting again which was a total suprise as i've suffered cervical cancer and partial hysterectomy. Was nearly 12 weeks when i found out. Hubby unfortunately demanded i have an abortion which i cant justify. He indicated to me that he will leave if i continue with pregnancy and last week told our 19yr old that soon as baby born he is leaving. I plan to talk this out with him and to be honest would rather walk away from my marriage now than have this threat hanging over my head. What i really dont want though is to be an emotional wreck when having said conversation and would appreciate any and all advice/words of wisdom/coping techniques so i can be as calm as possible. Tall order i know. When he said that to me i put it down to shock on his part but now saying it to our other children is making me feel crappy

OP posts:

coriliavijvaad · 19/08/2017 10:56

Yes he was honest. He can have points for that. He honestly showed himself to be a right cunt who has no place in a family.

Orangebird69 · 19/08/2017 11:06

Yes, he was honest. But why hang around until the baby is born?

Neutrogena · 20/08/2017 09:09

@Orangebird69

Yes, he was honest. But why hang around until the baby is born?

Because if the baby is lost, then why would he leave?
He said 'Me or the baby', so if there is no baby, he has no reason to leave. Normal service resumed so to speak

OohAahBird · 20/08/2017 09:20

Because if the baby is lost, then why would he leave?
He said 'Me or the baby', so if there is no baby, he has no reason to leave. Normal service resumed so to speak

My marriage would not survive that scenario, I would not be able to resume normal service ever again. I dont think most relationships would

Orangebird69 · 20/08/2017 09:30

Nice. So you think it's ok for him to hang around to wait and see if she loses the baby? Are you fucking joking?

coriliavijvaad · 20/08/2017 11:46

Yes, he was honest. But why hang around until the baby is born?

Because if the baby is lost, then why would he leave?
He said 'Me or the baby', so if there is no baby, he has no reason to leave. Normal service resumed so to speak

Fuck that. He has shown his true colours. If the baby is lost he is just as much of a poisonous git.

Italiangreyhound · 20/08/2017 14:13

Neutragena "If the OP has the baby then it is her that is deciding to go through with a huge change in circumstance, and then she is responsible for the fallout as she is making the decision."

No, the circumstances have changed. Aborting a baby I'd not an option for all people. You have to live with the decision of the person directly affected.

OP how did the conversation go?

If he wants to leave, I agree, he should go quickly.

IDoDaChaCha · 20/08/2017 16:28

Normal service resumed so to speak if my partner would only stay with me if I miscarried our baby I'd be sick and never be able to look at them the same way again. Vomitous.

Cupoteap · 20/08/2017 16:36

To say it in discussion and shock with you is one thing, to say it to your child is different altogether.

For me it would be a deal breaker.

Congratulations x

LadyRenoir · 20/08/2017 16:50

While I understand the shock, I think that after my partner asking to terminate the pregnancy is something I would not be able to stomach well if it was me.

It's not like he asked the OP not to paint her nails or not to cook chicken for dinner. Abortion has got a huge effect on your body AND mind, and he would not be the one struggling with the aftermath. It's easy to say, but he is not the one doing it after all, so I find it very, very cruel.

OP, I hope that it was just his angry fit talking and that he did not really mean it, and that you can manage to talk about it if this is what you want, but if you want to keep the baby, or feel even in the slightest uncomfortable about abortion, have the baby. He is the father and his feelings need to be understood, but he should understand the impact of abortion and if he pushes you to go through it regardless, he may not be worth sticking with.

Neutrogena · 20/08/2017 18:03

@Orangebird69
Nice. So you think it's ok for him to hang around to wait and see if she loses the baby? Are you fucking joking?

This is no joking matter.
Why should he leave if the baby isn't born?

He doesn't want the baby
He wasn't expecting the baby
He wants his family together
So if there is no baby, there is no good reason he should leave.

Why has his opinion been crucified but not the OPs?
They both seem committed to their opinions and are both as stubborn as each other.
If the OP was pregnant and didn't want the baby, but OP did, what would be the response? Support the OP come what may? Castigate the OH for having a different opinion?

Of course the OP has final say as all women should and so, but the baby is 50% the OH - he has a right to have has opinion seriously considered.

Original poster

flowa79 · 20/08/2017 18:17

Ok we have had a chat well more like opened dialogue. Iv laid out exactly how i feel especially with health that i dont think i could have an abortion just to please him. And the chance to have another lil un is special. Especially when never thought it would happen. He has been honest and said he doesnt like kids and after watching ours grow up (they were very challenging) has cemented his thoughts of never going thro it all again. I can understand where he is coming from and i am taking his thoughts into consideration but to myself they seem very selfish. Id have been more receptive if hos concerns were more about future health, affordability etc. I have said that if his wish is to leave please do it soon as to be fair to us both (house is mine) as to previous poster, if i sadly lost this baby i would never b able to carry on with him as normal either way. Im willing to work with him to a degree to c if this relationship can b salvaged as we have both invested many yrs into each other, but there is no way i will allow myself to b treated as a doormat or lodgings while he waits to c what might happen. Love can only take u so far the rest is sheer bloody hard work. I want him in my life but am discovering i dont need him

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 20/08/2017 18:33

OP you sound very wise and he is being selfish. It's his life and if he can't face it, so be it, but he should move out and allow you to begin to heal from the sgock, IMHO.

Italiangreyhound · 20/08/2017 18:34

Shock of his leaving....

thingymaboob · 20/08/2017 18:38

If he was so adamant he never wanted children again, why didn't he get the snip?

Nanna50 · 20/08/2017 18:43

Its unfortunate that your OH didn't talk about contraception earlier if was so sure that he didn't want any more children, unless he was truly under the impression that you were infertile. Is this not something that couples discuss throughout their marriage?

You can only be true to yourself and do what is best for you, good luck.

coriliavijvaad · 20/08/2017 18:51

Why should he leave if the baby isn't born?

Because "love" that is conditional on the op miscarrying or aborting is not love. It is some kind of sick travesty of a relationship, not a real marriage.

Similar kind of scenario - what if someone came on here saying they had been called into doctor's needing tests for cancer and the dh instead of being supportive explained that they don't really like being around ill people and if the tests result in a cancer diagnosis then they will be off. When the tests come back negative how on earth can such a revelation be ignored? Do they get to continue their relationship unchanged? Of course not. Same goes in the OP's situation. Her DH is not with her "for better or for worse" but only "for better" - he has broken that bond. It is unlikely to be fixable.

LadyRenoir · 20/08/2017 18:54

@Neutrogena
Of course the OP has final say as all women should and so, but the baby is 50% the OH - he has a right to have has opinion seriously considered.

Yes, but the body belongs to the OP. She will suffer through potential psychological and physical damage that can occur after the abortion. If her partner has no consideration for her feelings and her health, well because he does not like kids as it turns out- maybe he is not the best partner to stick around.
Unpredictable things can happen in any marriage, and if one side does not want to work with it, maybe it's time to go separate ways.

thingymaboob · 20/08/2017 18:58

Well said @coriliavijvaad

IDoDaChaCha · 20/08/2017 18:58

Good luck OP you are wise indeed

Orangebird69 · 20/08/2017 19:13

Good luck OP.

Neutrogena, I can't decide if you're on a wind up or really that obtuse.

IDoDaChaCha · 20/08/2017 19:33

Orangebird69 it seems from reading that Neutrogena has a 'the poor bloke" comment for every thread where a man has behaved badly... I think they're a man themselves.

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2017 04:42

How are things going OP?

Original poster

flowa79 · 26/08/2017 09:33

Italiangreyhound slow but more positive. Well he still here and we still talk and he has stopped being reactionary and more supportive. Just hope its not a front

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 26/08/2017 22:05

flo good to hear.

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