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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Hubby says he leaving after birth

125 replies

flowa79 · 18/08/2017 03:31

Iv been married 19yrs and have 3 children 20, 19 and 16. Recently found out expecting again which was a total suprise as i've suffered cervical cancer and partial hysterectomy. Was nearly 12 weeks when i found out. Hubby unfortunately demanded i have an abortion which i cant justify. He indicated to me that he will leave if i continue with pregnancy and last week told our 19yr old that soon as baby born he is leaving. I plan to talk this out with him and to be honest would rather walk away from my marriage now than have this threat hanging over my head. What i really dont want though is to be an emotional wreck when having said conversation and would appreciate any and all advice/words of wisdom/coping techniques so i can be as calm as possible. Tall order i know. When he said that to me i put it down to shock on his part but now saying it to our other children is making me feel crappy

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/08/2017 19:04

Congratulations on a healthy pregnancy Flowers

I hope your talk goes okay tonight. You know you want your baby and you need him gone if this is how he's behaving.

Look after yourself.

Original poster
flowa79 · 18/08/2017 19:15

After having chemo treatment 15yrs ago was told that chances were slim to none of conceiving so i suppose we both didnt c the need for protection. Also am lucky if i have 4 periods a year. Older kids are all fine with pregnancy just dont want a sister as my girl has ADHD and tourettes and can b demanding so afraid another girl will b as bad her :) but supportive nonetheless. Sorry iv been late replying as honestly thought id get notifications but havn't. Am being consultant led due to past history and health. Im not discounting his feelings towards baby at all, and can even understand the shock as im still feeling it myself, but where id of wanted us to b adult and able to talk through everything and make a fully informed decission it feels the way he has just spoited off has created a very high wall

OP posts:
Cherrytart6 · 18/08/2017 19:21

I'd be tempted to ask him to leave now if he has any plans to

MyOtherProfile · 18/08/2017 19:23

Oh dear OP thinking of you this evening.

coriliavijvaad · 18/08/2017 19:29

Wow. Well after a medical history lime that I think on your position I would feel that a miracle had occurred in conceiving a healthy pregnancy, and nothing at all would make me consider an abortion.

Good luck with talking tonight. I hope he apologises for his temporary insanity in asking you to abort against your wishes, blames the shock and promises that you and he are in this together for better or for worse. If that isn't what he does then he isn't worth keeping.

IDoDaChaCha · 18/08/2017 19:33

If that isn't what he does then he isn't worth keeping. - exactly.

Good luck OP it sounds like this is a miracle baby x

SonicBoomBoom · 18/08/2017 20:07

Best of luck with your pregnancy OP.

Neutrogena · 19/08/2017 07:36

DH has a valid position. He never thought she'd get pregnant, so wasnt taking a risk. I'm not saying he should have the final say (that is the prerogative of the OP) but his opinion needs to be considered. Just dismissing him and telling him to fuck off is rude, childish and grossly unfair.
If the OP has the baby then it is her that is deciding to go through with a huge change in circumstance, and then she is responsible for the fallout as she is making the decision.

Lauralou031986 · 19/08/2017 07:44

Hope everything goes ok for you guys and your husband comes around Flowers

Orangebird69 · 19/08/2017 07:51

Neutrogena, it is the DHs prerogative to be unhappy about it indeed. But to involve the other kids is shitty. And why is he waiting to leave until the baby is born? If he maintains his position, he should just fuck off now.

Neutrogena · 19/08/2017 08:12

@Orangebird69

Why should he leave his own home? The OP has decided to have this baby, so it's her decision that is driving this.
There is not going to be any resolution here if the OP takes your advice and tells him to 'Fuck Off'

onalongsabbatical · 19/08/2017 08:28

Neutrogena he should leave now because he says he's leaving after the birth, which means until he leaves, he's making the OP live with the threat of him leaving whilst she's also dealing with a difficult and unexpected pregnancy. That, to me, seems cruel and selfish. If he's so sure his right course of action is to leave, he really should go now and let her heal from his abandonment in peace BEFORE she has to give birth and bond with a newborn. That's why. Normally, I'd agree with you.

Lauralou031986 · 19/08/2017 08:32

I agree with @onalongsabbatical she won't want to deal with her husband leaving the family home when she's just had a baby? At least if he wants to leave and he goes now then she has time to adjust and put plans in place. hopefully it won't come to that tho and hubby is just scared and will change his mind

Neutrogena · 19/08/2017 08:35

@onalongsabbatical

Do you think it's right that he has to leave? The OP is the one has has decided to have the baby, and yet DH has to leave his house.

Agree that any leaving should be done earlier rather than later.

Cherrytart6 · 19/08/2017 08:37

He decided to have unprotected sex with her. They decided to have unprotected sex with an unexpected outcome. Of course she shouldn't have to leave the house because she wants to keep the baby after consensual sex.

Brownsauceandsausages · 19/08/2017 08:39

Great that all is looking good at 12 wks op!

He is allowed to be shocked and confused, but as a husband and father who helped to create this child, he needs to step up, discuss his feelings rationally, while supporting his wife and family. That is how responsible adults behave. If he can't do that, then he needs to leave to minimize the negative impact on the op, who is shocked too.

Mountainviewloo · 19/08/2017 08:41

neutragena

Have all the Biscuit

onalongsabbatical · 19/08/2017 09:14

I don't think anyone's saying he has to leave, like you're implying. People are saying if he can't step up and be mature and take 50% of the responsibility, if his response is - I'm leaving - rather than - how can we get through this together - then, surely it's better for everyone if he leaves sooner rather than selfishly drags it out.

MyOtherProfile · 19/08/2017 09:25

Yes he's the one who decided he was leaving. The issue is just when and for the OP it would be better sooner rather than later I would think.
Unless maybe he has come round to the baby after they talked last night...

RhinoGirl · 19/08/2017 09:25

If my husband said he was leaving in X amount of months, for any reason, I would be saying no, if you want to leave, you leave now.

Orangebird69 · 19/08/2017 09:28

Neutrogena, he said he'd leave anyway! The op hasn't asked him to.

Orangebird69 · 19/08/2017 09:30

Exactly Rhino

waits for Neutrogena to pop up and say that the OPs decision to keep the baby (that they made TOGETHER) is forcing him into leaving.

Moreisnnogedag · 19/08/2017 09:41

Agh tell him to go now if he wants to go at all. I'd perhaps be willing to continue a dialogue with him but tbh I'd find the telling your son that pretty despicable and would to get past it. It'd be one thing if he said that to you whilst you were talking about what was happening, but what was his plan?? That your DS would rush to you and tell you not to break up the family?? Dickhead.

IslingtonHels · 19/08/2017 10:05

@Orangebird69; spot on!

Neutrogena · 19/08/2017 10:38

He was honest with his family. Nothing wrong g with honesty. You find what he said unpalatable, but he was honest.