Hubby says he leaving after birth

[flowa79]

Iv been married 19yrs and have 3 children 20, 19 and 16. Recently found out expecting again which was a total suprise as i've suffered cervical cancer and partial hysterectomy. Was nearly 12 weeks when i found out. Hubby unfortunately demanded i have an abortion which i cant justify. He indicated to me that he will leave if i continue with pregnancy and last week told our 19yr old that soon as baby born he is leaving. I plan to talk this out with him and to be honest would rather walk away from my marriage now than have this threat hanging over my head. What i really dont want though is to be an emotional wreck when having said conversation and would appreciate any and all advice/words of wisdom/coping techniques so i can be as calm as possible. Tall order i know. When he said that to me i put it down to shock on his part but now saying it to our other children is making me feel crappy

I think you need to get checked out first by a doctor urgently then deal with your husband.

I'd assumed from the post that the OP was in fact fine, so will write assuming she's been examined.

I also agree with goingtobeawesome - this is exactly what he would do. But I hope he doesn't get that chance, OP's baby is fine and she fucks him off out of there now; no way wait till its born.

Indeed. I hope the the OP just got her terminology mixed up and I hope she fucks her husband off too.

I don't think he should be castigated here.

He doesn't want this baby, it was unexpected so he didn't believe he was taking a risk. He's given you an ultimatum, but you seem totally inflexible too. Your choice what you do, but this will have ramifications for the whole family, so you should think about their needs to, not just your own.
If the whole family is against a new baby, what kind of environment will it be for you and the infant? Pretty toxic I imagine.

I don't mean to sound harsh but am looking at it from a different point of view. You're in a horrid situation OP so

Partial hysterectomy is a pretty specific piece of terminology and the only possible pregnancy after one is ectopic. So, either she hasn't had a PH, in which case the post is confusing and could do with some clarification, or she has, in which case she's in danger.

OP, you are under no obligation to tell us anything of course, but a number of people obviously have some alarm bells ringing on your behalf, any chance of clarity?

I hardly think it would disrupt the family given her children are older? At 18 years old I was working full time, at night college, renting my own flat and had already bought my first car...you can't be too soft these days on teenagers. I agree DH has a choice because it will effect his life but it's not going to effect him as much as it will her.

I see your point and he deserves a choice too however did he choose to use precautions during sex? Clearly not. So it's his choices that have lead him to this path in the first place. He is 50% to blame for the sitauation that he's in that he seems to hate so much.

I think OP just wants some reasurruane as maybe she feels a bit ganged to on if her husband is telling her to do things she doesn't want to do and then going behind her back and telling their children what he is going to do istead of discussing it with her and keeping it between them two alone. If anyone is going to distrupt this family, I'm gunna place my bets that it will be him, not the baby!

I agree that you should ask him to leave now. That a grown man with three children can behave in this immature, spoilt, selfish and cruel way beggars belief.

He doesn't want this baby, it was unexpected so he didn't believe he was taking a risk.

OP, did you climb on top of yourself and get pregnant you silly lady? No? Okay then. So I think it's safe to assume that the man child is partly to blame for his help in the matter, Neutrogena. Unless you abstain from sex or you have been told there is ZERO chance of conceiving, there is always the possibility of sex resulting in a pregnancy. 'It takes two to tango' is not a difficult concept to understand.

The OP has been through hell health wise by the sounds of it, and her DH is acting like a total shit. It might not be what they, as a couple/family, wanted, but it's what they've got. He needs to be an adult, take responsibility for his actions and grow up. What a sorry state the world would be in if we all just decided to up and leave the minute things got choppy. While I can totally appreciate the shock value here and sympathise with the situation being a difficult one, it was a situation he is equally responsible for creating.

OP, I'm incredibly sorry you're going through all of this My advice? Keep your baby if that's what you want to do, and wave the middle finger flag at your husband. Plenty have gone it alone, myself included, and everything will work out one way or another. I promise you that. Have you spoken to the doctors yet?

@Jessybear90

I agree DH has a choice because it will effect his life but it's not going to effect him as much as it will her

A newborn child is a massive shift for the whole family.
It's not just a minor annoyance but a life-changing event!

The OP has said she cannot justify an abortion, but the OP's DH has said he cannot justifying keeping it. Both are dug into their respective positions.

If the OP feels ganged up upon, it's because the rest of the family don't want the baby. Is everyone not entitled to an opinion?

The baby hasn't arrived yet and it's breaking up a family. This doesn't bode well. Awful for the OP to be in this position.

Before anybody gets too wound up the OP needs to come back and explain what medical procedure she had because she cannot be having a normal preganancy if she's had a partial hysterectomy . That is a specific medical term and involves removal of the uterus .

If the OP had had a partial hysterectomy there was no reason to believe that either of them should be using contraception as pregnancy would not have been considered a possibility, so all this talk of he shouldn't have had sex if he didn't want a baby is rubbish. The OP wouldn't have been able to conceive if she had no womb. If she has conceived an ectopic pregnancy despite the fact that she had no uterus then it was an almost freak event which would have enabled this to happen.

The reality here is that if she has had a partial hysterectomy there will be no baby at the end of it, so this entire thread is academic.

I'm sorry but I can't agree that it will create a shift in a family of grown up children. These "children" will be shortly flying the nest and OP will be left on her own with her husband anyway, so the point I am
making is he should be discussing it with HER and not the children behind her back.

Sorry I'm don't want to upset anyone here and we are all entitled to our own opinion but what I really want to say is that it sounds like OP has been through a hell of a lot and I think people sticking up for her husband when he's throwing around unlitamtums is the last thing she probably wants to hear.

But Jessy, the OP was the first to set the ultimatum by saying she cannot justify an abortion! She had her position in stone.

I agree that the OP probably doesn't want to hear ultimatums from the DH, but he's entitled to one, just as she is. Why isn't the OP talking to the children herself? Give them a bit of balance.

@VinoTime

I don't apportioning 'blame' is that helpful.
OP has stated her position.
DH has stated his position.

Both the OP and the DH need to be responsible for their future actions. Just because a woman wants a baby does not mean the husband should support her no matter what.

"so you should think about their needs to, not just your own" Women always get to think about everyone else's needs. What about her dh, whose needs do you think he is thinking of here....

"If the whole family is against a new baby, what kind of environment will it be for you and the infant? Pretty toxic I imagine."

If I aborted a baby because my existing children, on the brink of leaving home, were in some way unhappy I think it would permanently damage my relationship with my existing children. When baby arrives I expect all the kids will be as interested, happy, as kids generally are and will get on with their own lives.

Existing children do not get a say in their parents procreation!
"Just because a woman wants a baby does not mean the husband should support her no matter what." He doesn't need to support her but he does need to support his child. And his attitude may well affect the existing children, who may well see his position as unnecessarily cruel.

Quite honestly I'd put the blame squarely on him and say you didn't expect to get pregnant after your surgery so why the hell didn't he get the snip instead of having irresponsible unprotected sex if he is that anti baby.
Once you are pregnant is much too late to do anything about it he should have thought of that. I would crucify him if it was me. he needs to accept his responsibility in all this.
Could be he'll come round, it must be very uncomfortable moving out at his time of life and losing his home which he surely will.
Don't let him bully you.

I don't think OP will be back.

My understanding is that it would be impossible for anyone to carry a baby to term after a partial hysterectomy. OP must know this.

Just because a woman wants a baby does not mean the husband should support her no matter what.

No, he should support her no matter what because that's what he fucking promised if they married in church. If she was chronically ill instead of pregnant, would you also think he has no duty to support her?

They both didn't think a pregnancy was something that could happen, but the OP should be the one to suffer the consequences? Because why? Oh, because she's a woman.

12 weeks is not 4 weeks, and considering that even aborting at 4 weeks is FUCKING ILLEGAL in Ireland, not to mention other countries, because people deem it immoral, it is fucking shitty to tell a woman that she should have an abortion at 12 weeks even if she herself doesn't feel it is right.

What the fuck.

It is symptomatic of worldwide misogyny, that people feel they can tell women to have abortions, or force them to give birth at a whim, depending on which country they happen to live in at the moment.

If people truly were concerned about ethical issues or the rights of fetuses, then you'd think they'd think twice before telling a woman she is morally obliged to do something that large parts of the world view as horrible crime.

A woman's morals always must match what her male owner wants, isn't that right?

Oh, and OP doesn't want a baby. OP already is pregnant and does not want an abortion. Those two are NOT the same.

There is no baby. If the OP has had a partial hysterectomy then she has no uterus and pregnancy is impossible.

All this talk of how the man should have had the snip if he didn't want the OP to get pregnant is bollocks. The OP couldn't possibly fall pregnant. If she now finds herself in the unlikely situation of having an ectopic pregnancy then termination and removal of the tube is the only outcome.

So all this talk of whether it is tearing a family apart etc is irrelevant because there is not going to be a baby. Or are people that un-informed?

If the man had had the snip would people be telling a woman she should still be using contraception if she didn't want to get pregnant? No of course not. A hysterectomy is sterilisation in the same way as the snip is, except it's a lot more harsh on the body and obviously won't have come about by choice in the same way the snip might. But the outcome is exactly the same and pregnancy is not an expected outcome, if fact if someone has had their uterus removed and not their tubes or ovaries then pregnancy is not an outcome at all even if a fertilisation has occurred.

I don't understand the medical side at all either. I hope the OP comes back to explain.

I am confused. Hope the op comes back.

He sounds like an arsehole. Please focus on yourself and getting medical advice.

Thank u for all replies. In all fairness he never usually is such a jerk but can on times not think about what he says or how it can affect ppl. I am pleased to say iv had scans and am 12 weeks today and all looks well. I had cancer yrs ago and had overy fallopian tube and parts of cervix removed so still retain my womb. Im still yet to have talk with him as he not long got in from work but it will b happening tonight x