To tell family you're in labour or not... what did you do?!

[MotherofKitties]

Hi all,

I'm 37 weeks and pondering on whether to tell parents if and when I'm in labour or just wait until the baby is born, and I'm keen to get others opinions/experiences on what you did/are planning to do!

One set of parents live abroad and the other two sets live a good 3+ hours away, so if we did tell them we would have at least 3 hours before they could get to us. All sets are very keen and have specifically requested that they be told when Ive gone into labour, but I'm not sure I'd be happy saying anything to anyone until I've given birth.

My overriding thought is not to tell them with my reasons being, 1. Labour can go on for days and I don't want my husband and I bombarded with messages/texts/calls when our focus should be on delivering our baby, 2. Unless we end up being in hospital for several days I won't want any visitors in hospital 3. When baby is born I want at least a few hours of just 'us' family time, especially with 4. An hour or two back at home just the three of us before we start having family arrive and visit to us a little bit of time to adjust.

These to me are all very good reasons why not to tell our parents until our baby is actually born, and whilst I am more than happy to tell any potential disgruntled grandparent "I didn't want anyone to know until she was born and that's why we didn't tell you I was in labour", my husband thinks we should tell family but just tell them to keep away until we say it's ok to visit.

What did you do/are planning to do? If you didn't tell family, was anyone really disgruntled or put out you didn't tell them you were in labour or was it not an issue? Did anyone tell their family pre-birth and did you have any issues with people constantly trying to contact you/visit before you were ready? Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Xx

I'm 37w + 5 and my MIL booked flights for herself and registered blind partner to arrive on my due date months ago, without speaking to us first. Neither of them are self sufficient and assumed they'd stay with us! Fortunately DH's cousin found out and had "a word" with them and they are now staying in a hotel 15 miles away (neither can drive and will require 2 buses to get to us, although DH will probably be summoned to transport them).
I'm hoping my baby comes soon as I don't want to be waiting past due date. However, I'd also be quite happy to be a week over so they'll have left before it all starts! I know she's just excited to meet her (second) grandchild, but my own parents aren't flying down until 3 weeks after my due date and it's their first grandchild - they asked me when we'd like them to come and felt we should have our own special time together initially, and also realised I could go overdue.
Gah, sorry to rant but I know I'm going to have to ask her to give me space which will then upset her.... So to OP I would say don't tell anyone until after baby's born and you feel ready. If I ever have a second child, I'll definitely be telling MIL my due date's about a month later then it really is!

Have they told you why they want to know? Are they expecting to jump in the car/on a flight and rush to be there - have they watched too many american films and have visions of themselves sitting around waiting for your dh to come out with a squalling baby saying it's a boy/girl?

I would try a brisk 'don't be silly, I'm the one giving birth, there's not a viewing gallery!' and a reminder that you're only allowed one birth partner (even if you're not... midwives are usually quite accomodating at being used as an excuse in these situations - mw said only one birth partner as there's not enough space/causes stress/etc)

And then remind them that you will let them know when there's something to know... suitably vague and non-committal!

Thank you all for your responses, it's really helped make up my mind hearing all of your experiences!

I know when I originally suggested the idea of having a few days to a week just the three of us before we have any visitors to my mum she basically went off the deep end, and it would be hugely unpopular with my parents in law too. I've brought this down to a few hours/a day, because whilst I love all sides of my family dearly, I know I will get overwhelmed and irritated by having a lot of company immediately after giving birth, especially when I'll be learning how to breastfeed!

Discussed this with my DH and he's agreed not to tell anyone when I go into labour; I think like a lot of you have pointed out it's a very special and unique time that we won't get back, and I feel quite strongly that we should have the opportunity for some 'new family time' before we have the world turning up on our doorstep and we have to divert our attention away from our first baby!

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, it's really helped me have confidence in knowing that what I'm suggesting is not unreasonable!

Xx

If you want a few days to yourselves OP then take it - it'll put a few noses out of joint but they'll get over it... It's not about them, it's about you and your new family.

It might be they first time you make an unpopular choice for the good of your baby and you but it certainly won't be the last.

My PILs basically bullied us into submission and ended up coming over earlier than planned when DC1 was born and I will never forgive them for their behaviour. Protect those precious days for yourself, DH and DC.

Unless you need child/pet care why would you tell anyone? I really don't get this.

"It seems a bit cruel not to tell them"

Why? I don't agree.

"I know when I originally suggested the idea of having a few days to a week just the three of us before we have any visitors to my mum she basically went off the deep end, and it would be hugely unpopular with my parents in law too"

Tough. This isn't about them. You and your husband need to be able to say to them that you want visitors when you are good and ready. DD wouldn't feed when she was born so we were in hospital for 5 days. You don't know what will happen - a C section, baby won't feed, something else, so keep your relatives at arm's length until you feel ready to face them. If they live a distance away it is much easier to do. Do they know the due date? Can you add on a week or two to deflect them?

MIL came to stay with us when DD was a week old, and she was fantastic. She looked after me and was a perfect guest.

I loved calling my mum to tell her DD had arrived. She came 5 days early. I'd seen my mum the day before in the morning and then Skyped her at about 6pm to show her the nursery curtains I was making. Then rang her at 10am, she asked if I'd managed to hang the curtains up, had we had a nice meal out with our friends, her and dad were going to IKEA later ... when she finally stopped and asked "how are you feeling then?" I said, oh, fine, err I've had a baby girl!! She was speechless!!

I'm one who's lucky to just not "get" the angst about parents coming early. Realise I'm fortunate in that. I wanted to show my baby off and am lucky to have a good relationship with the parents and in laws.my parents who live only half an hour away came for a couple of hours (bringing dinner) the day we got out of hospital (day after birth). In laws came the next day with my BIL, bearing bags of food inc pate, blue cheese etc and stayed for the afternoon (they live a 2.5 hr drive away).

I told close family. I've never really understood why the need for secrecy. No one appeared at the hospital,it wasn't a big deal.
Also I had loads of visitors at the hospital, everyone is described to see the new baby plus it makes it a bit easier to have them for a controlled amount of time due to visiting hours rather than waiting until you are home and descending on you at home for hours on end

" I've never really understood why the need for secrecy."

It isn't "secrecy" not to let people know. I have read so many threads on mumsnet from women who have been pestered by relatives during labour and had visitors in the labour suite or too soon after the birth that I can see why they don't want the whole world to know until they are ready to tell them.

My waters went while I was talking to a workmate on the phone, so work knew that I was in labour. No-one else did until OH rang them later that night.

This was before most people ditched their landlines and relied mostly on mobiles, and well before social media and the constant barrage of communication that we have today.

Honestly it didn't cross my mind to tell anyone except for DH that I was in labour! I had a couple of contractions just as I was leaving to meet DH and our NCT group for a meal. I had them about every 20 mins during the meal. As we were leaving the meal and driving home I told DH that I'd been getting pains. By bedtime they were strong enough that I couldn't lie down comfortably, about 8-10 mins apart, by 2am they were a few minutes apart and we headed to hospital about 4am I think. During all of that it didn't occur to me to let my mum know; apart from anything else she would have been asleep! But even in the daytime, it honestly had not occurred to me that I would tell anyone if I was in labour. Not that I made a conscious decision not to. Maybe if I'd had a One born every minute style labour where they seem to be there for days just sitting in the bed ...

We have 1 DD. I went into labour and once if been checked at hospital and we KNEW things were happening (very quickly!) DH called my dad and sister. They were both at work and they would never have considered turning up.

I think you have to match what you do to what your relatives think is appropriate. If I'd thought anyone would turn up and want in on the action they would NOT have been informed.

Do what you think is right. It's your baby, your labour, your choice!

We didn't tell anyone. We left my DGPs house late on Christmas night when I knew it was already definitely happening but managed to keep it quiet and just plead tiredness (it was late enough!).

DPs and DPILs were both 2.5 hours away.

We just rang them at 6am, and rang others about 8am, to say we'd had DD. We had 3 visitors that day (2 aunts and an uncle who had all been at Christmas dinner!), and then the hordes descended the following day (DPILs and DPs and a bunch of DSibs). All went home again though. I didn't go home from hosp for another couple of days, and there was a big annual gathering about 2 days later again that I was at, where I saw everyone from Christmas Dinner (including my 5mo DCousin!) plus my DPs/DSibs, and a "quick drink" en route at another DAunt's house with her family and my other DGM, where DCousins from UK were visiting (so that DGM had both her DGGC to hold! Another 5mo and DD).

So there was plenty of opportunity for everyone to see us.

Realistically, calling people at 1am on Christmas night wouldn't have done anyone any favours!

We called our parents and siblings the morning after our DS was born. Nobody was displeased or anything, just super happy it all had gone well and they had a new grandson/nephew.

I actually quite liked the idea nobody knew I was in labor, it made it more special for the two of us. Also, my parents would've been worried the whole time...

Three DDs. I didn't want people hassling me, checking up on me, etc, when I was in labour. So with DD1 we didn't tell anybody until we were actually in hospital (three days into it all) and knew the baby was on her way (six hours later she was born).

DD2 and DD3 were different, as I had to get people to look after DD1 and then DD1 and 2, so I had to tell people. DD2 was a 14 hour labour; DD3 only 2 and three quarter hours from start to finish, so it didn't really matter either way then anyway.

I didn't for DS. But I got a phone call from my mother when I was already in hospital, although before the actual labour. It meant my parents didn't sleep much until the early hours, instead of a good night's sleep.

I didn't for DS. But I got a phone call from my mother when I was already in hospital, although before the actual labour. It meant my parents didn't sleep much until the early hours, instead of a good night's sleep.

Ah, the bliss of not having social media/mobile phones when DD was born.

*came

Oops! Posted on the wrong thread. That's what happens when you try to MN whilst feeding the baby

Might as well contribute while I'm here!

We told no one either time I was in labour. Called everyone once the baby was born. All the best!

We didn't tell and I'm glad since it took three long days from waters breaking to baby appearing and that was an emergency csection. They'd only have worried because it took so long. I didn't have any visitors until the say after either. I wanted to wait until I felt mildly human!

This time it's slightly different as I'm having a planned csection and have childcare arranged. So both sets of grandparents know the date, but again I'm not expecting any visitors until the day after and I'll make that clear.

Nobody was offended, they were far too distracted by a squishy newborn!

From reading all of your posts it seems that the majority of those who did tell parents/family they were labour either knew that no-one would turn up without being explicitly invited or were happy to have visitors straight away. I think if we told our parents they would immediately travel to come over as they would be so excited, but as sweet as all the family's intentions would be, I don't want anyone in the hospital or at home straight away other than my husband, so that wouldn't be an ideal scenario!

I may change my mind once I go into labour, but as it stands I'm definitely intending NOT to tell anyone and just switch off our phones so we're not dealing with lots of messages/calls/texts whilst we're having our baby! Feeling excited to meet our little one now my due date is near (which everyone knows unfortunately, didn't think ahead on that one!) and spend some time as a new family just the three of us when she arrives

Xx

My mum was staying with us both times and was at the both births (appreciate that this wouldn't be everyone's choice)

I remember with first baby not wanting DH to phone his mum when I went into labour. First labours can take ages and I didn't want to feel like people were waiting for updates. I wouldn't have trusted her not to zoom down the motorway either

Second baby, labour started just after midnight and it would have been daft to wake people up to tell them. DD arrived just before 6am, we phoned everyone after we'd had breakfast!

Sounds bliss, good luck motherofkitties 😊

My plan is to let them know, but it's easier for us as there's no risk of them suddenly appearing to see us as they're 6 hours away. We're also pretty lucky with that if they did suddenly drop everything and get here, they'd be happy to listen to what we want, so if we don't want them to visit in the hospital then they won't. (my mum excluded coz i've never known her to listen to anything I want so far... but she also can't just up and leave at her job so I'm safe there)

There's no harm telling them you're in labour when the baby is almost there, if you wanted. Technically you're still in labour so it won't be lies.. but you can also be totally firm and tell them not to visit you if you do tell them. Make them promise on it.

My waters broke with DS at MIL's house during Christmas dinner so everyone knew straight away. Nobody phoned us at the hospital, nobody texted me but couldn't say for sure about DH. He phoned my mum then his mum and they took care of telling everyone else. We got loads of texts afterwards but we just ignored them until we were ready.
Second time round, BIL was cutting our grass when my pains got too intense so once again, everybody knew straight away!
Didn't bother me that everyone knew although I don't know that I would tell people on purpose iyswim. I was happy to have visitors the next day too (both born during the night) so didn't mind people knowing once babies had arrived.