To tell family you're in labour or not... what did you do?!

[MotherofKitties]

Hi all,

I'm 37 weeks and pondering on whether to tell parents if and when I'm in labour or just wait until the baby is born, and I'm keen to get others opinions/experiences on what you did/are planning to do!

One set of parents live abroad and the other two sets live a good 3+ hours away, so if we did tell them we would have at least 3 hours before they could get to us. All sets are very keen and have specifically requested that they be told when Ive gone into labour, but I'm not sure I'd be happy saying anything to anyone until I've given birth.

My overriding thought is not to tell them with my reasons being, 1. Labour can go on for days and I don't want my husband and I bombarded with messages/texts/calls when our focus should be on delivering our baby, 2. Unless we end up being in hospital for several days I won't want any visitors in hospital 3. When baby is born I want at least a few hours of just 'us' family time, especially with 4. An hour or two back at home just the three of us before we start having family arrive and visit to us a little bit of time to adjust.

These to me are all very good reasons why not to tell our parents until our baby is actually born, and whilst I am more than happy to tell any potential disgruntled grandparent "I didn't want anyone to know until she was born and that's why we didn't tell you I was in labour", my husband thinks we should tell family but just tell them to keep away until we say it's ok to visit.

What did you do/are planning to do? If you didn't tell family, was anyone really disgruntled or put out you didn't tell them you were in labour or was it not an issue? Did anyone tell their family pre-birth and did you have any issues with people constantly trying to contact you/visit before you were ready? Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Xx

I never wanted people to know as they'd just worry.

My ex told his mother against my wishes that I was in labour and she got straight in her car to come over (3 hour drive) and was banging on the front door (home birth), then let herself in along with the paramedics who were called as DS was stuck! Midwife threw her out again, home birth was successful so no need to transfer and she came back, took the baby, went down stairs and refused to hand him back over as she lived so far away and I would get to hold him all the time, he wasn't even an hour old!

We didn't have the luxury of spontaneous labour but only told my parents we were going to be induced as they were keeping an eye on the older kids and the animals for us.

As it was DD4 ended up as a c section - they couldn't / wouldn't induce and I was due and not allowed to go over.

Didn't tell the inlaws as MIL had already been a nightmare with 'I will be the first person to hold my grandchild!' And so on. I can honestly say she would have needed a hospital bed if she rocked up mid labour

As it was we had this very surreal laid back c section, no stress and lots of laughs.
Dh rang the rents various after he spoke to all the kids as they were at college. We were home in 24 hrs. No visitors until 48 hours as we really wanted our other children to have time to enjoy welcoming their new sister before the world and his wife turned up.

Don't. My in laws arrived before the placenta!

I told my best mate and was whatsapping her during labour, once I had the epidural needed something to pass the time.

OH told his parents and they were waiting outside to come in, really wound me up as I didn't want them there interfering.

My sister was my birth partner so obviously I told her.
I didn't have a definite plan not to tell my parents, but they are/were sensible people who wouldn't have intruded. As it was, with DC1, they visited me the night before at 39 weeks, no signs of labour, waved them off with "don't hold your breath" - 12 hours later i called them from the birth centre saying "it's a boy", they travelled back up to see us that afternoon.
Because my labour barrelled along quite intensively I never really thought about contacting anyone, and with hindsight it was good not to have other people's anxiety or needs for updates distracting me. With DC2 I deliberately didn't tell anyone.

No of course you don't tell them.
Would you want them rushing to the hospital from 3 hours away? If so why? You could be in labour for 30 hours they'd be sat in the foyer for days.
If you love attention and drama I can see it's,tempting but NO

Guessing he became your ex shortly after the birth then stole

I didn't want to tell anyone. I understand it's exciting for everyone but I wanted to get home and get settled first. As it happened I had to be induced (dd had no intention of coming out voluntarily!) and had told people when it was booked for thinking it wouldn't matter as I'd go into labour before and just tell them when she was born. We told them it wouldn't be until 2 days later she would be born so not to text and that we would tell them when she was. We still had messages asking. Fortunately not loads though. We set up a group whatsapp to let family know but told the GPs first.
I was adamant no one would be visiting us in hospital and quickly shut that idea down when my dad said it while I was pregnant! Due to the day of the week she was born and when we were discharged we managed a day at home with no visitors before they all descended. Good luck.

We told both sets of grandparents first time and wish we hadn't. Didn't really have a choice and we were living with my parents at the time, and my mum and siblings were off (bloody teacher training days)
We had calls and messages throughout, and complaints that it was taking too long..

Second time round - I was due to be induced on the Monday so my parents collected my eldest on the Sunday afternoon. Fortunately went into labour naturally early hours of Monday morning and no-one was any the wiser. :)

First time, I was in utter agony and called my mum in middle of night for reassurance as my (now ex) partner had gone to bed/sleep. It went on for four days (back to back birth). My parents did visit in hospital, I was shattered and glad of the support. Second time I had a toddler to look after, I went into labour at 7pm one day, toddler went to nursery the next, my mum picked him up and went back to our house after nursery and we were home by 10pm after a blissful water birth.
But my uncle and his male partner did then turn up a bit too early at my house the next day and I was worried about getting my baps out in front of them which meant I didn't feed as much as I should have done and this led to having to syringe feed my sleepy baby. So it's important you do what is right for you and keep any visitors you're not comfortable with at bay.

Bunlicker it was certainly the beginning of the end, he came back to the bedroom without the baby saying 'she just wants a cuddle ' 😡😡

We were living with my parents temporarily at the time, so they knew, also my Mum was my other birthing partner. My DH text his parents, but we knew they wouldn't get it until the morning as it was early hours so wouldn't be hassled. Didn't tell anyone else and our DD arrived before breakfast, so they all just woke up to the news :)

We told my best friend who was a birthing partner. Things got a bit sticky in the middle as I wasn't coping well and whilst away with the gas and air fairies I'd told both dh and friend to leave the room whilst I was being looked at. Student midwife misunderstood and wouldn't let them back in thinking I meant for them to leave and not be allowed back in. DH text my sis and mil telling them I wouldn't let them back in. They both visited and I only remember coming to my senses when I turned around and suddenly spotted it was mil rubbing my back and not dh. I went nuts at her and actually told her to sod off! she took it gracefully thank god and didn't turn up till after we announced and told people we were ready for victors. Sis sat in the waiting room doing coffee runs and generally being a star in the background. She helped calm my nerves once we were plonked on the ward and helped do first pop clean up as I completely went to bits!

I told people the first time around, my dad turned up at the hospital and I could hear him chatting to the midwives in reception whilst I was still being triaged. Unfortunately at this moment I forgot sound travels both ways and asked the midwife if she could tell him to 'kindly fuck off I wasn't kidding when I said don't just fucking turn up!' He still has the hump over this

This time it's been agreed between me and DP that the only people/person to know I'm in labour will be the one minding DD1. I'm happy with this decision, as is he.

I've told my lot I'm due two weeks after I actually am. I don't want to be pestered for updates, especially from my mum who is anxiety central. They'll hear from me when DC is safely here. DH's parents are more calm, and have no passports, so he can say what he likes .

I think you have to do what you are comfortable with.
Personally, i agree with your husband and would tell them but make it clear that you dont want them to come to the hospital and you will let them know when you are discharged and ready for visitors.
When i had my daughter this is how we did it and it worked out great . I am now 28 weeks pregnant and things will be a little different now (as my parents will be at my house looking after my 2 year old when i give birth this time ;) So they will have to be informed anyway.
I dont think there is a right or wrong answer it is completely up to you how you do it and what makes you feel the most comfortable.
Good Luck :)

We didn't tell anyone, gave husband my phone to field any texts as to not arouse suspicion, like you we didn't want bombarding with texts asking for news. Was in hospital over night then had 4 nights at home just the 3 of us before we allowed visitors, gave us alone time and them notice, thankfully our families all respected our request for alone time!
A few hours after birth, once settled, we did a video call to our parents so they could see the baby, the look of surprise on their faces was brilliant! Plus they hadn't known the gender as we kept it secret, MIL and my mum cried :-)

catrash couldn't you get an auto feeder for the cat?

We didn't tell anyone until she was born with first. My lovely MIL is on standby for babysitting/dogsitting with second. They all still turned up within hours...I think I will keep them away for a bit longer this time.

I'm confused about the cat thing too. You only feed them once or twice a day at most.

With our first, we told both sets of parents of parents when we went to the hospital. I had been having contractions for 24 hours or so before that but not told them as i didn't want a fuss. We had said no visitors at the hospital though as it was a long way for both sides and we wanted to get home first. I was glad about that in the end as I was in for a few days, feeling awful, and only wanted to see DH.

With our second, we had to tell my parents sooner as they were our childcare for DD. We told DH's parents at the same time, thinking we had hours to go yet but my waters went an hour after that and we had to go straight to hospital. My parents visited us in hospital with DD the day DS was born, he was born at 6am and we asked them to wait until evening visiting to visit as we wanted some space with DS. It was lovely to see them, but it made me realise I was glad I had my space when DD was born.

I didn't with my son as labour started in the evening and we thought it would be ages. Ended up going to hospital at 4am, and thought there was no point in telling anyone until we knew for certain. However when I got there, I was already 6cm and then it all went very quickly as he was born an hour later so no time to even think of telling anyone as my last lot of contractions where coming very strongly on top of each other.

We'll have to tell my parents next time as they'll probably come to watch DS.

As PPs have said, do what is right for YOU and will make you feel most comfortable 🙏🏻 I believe birth should be a special moment between the two people who created the life together. Everyone else comes after that.

I'm 37+2 and in a sticky situation whereby DH is overseas for military service so we don't know if he'll be able to make it back in time. I'm staying with my DM so obviously she will know as soon as I go into labour, although I've been clear with her that I don't want her in the delivery room with me. I'd rather be alone with my lovely midwives if DH can't make it; I don't want anyone else to experience that moment if he can't.

I love my in-laws dearly but I definitely wouldn't want them anywhere near during labour and for a little while after the birth. They're a bit overwhelming bless them (DH is one of 6...). Luckily they're all overseas too, and would need 48hrs to get the Electronic Visa Waiver to enter the UK, plus a 7 hour flight... so in this case I don't mind them knowing when I'm in labour because I have that safety net of time 😅 if we were all in the same country it would be virtually impossible to keep them away though. They're all messaging me daily already, asking about any signs of labour yet 🙈

We didn't tell anyone with DC1 until an hour or so after they were born. It wasn't a conscious decision, it just didn't cross our minds to give anyone updates on the state of my cervix so we ended up not letting anyone know until the baby had arrived