Why choose not to breastfeed?

[MissBax]

I work in healthcare and have just been on a breastfeeding workshop as part of my training. I knew the benefits of breastfeeding for mother and baby anyway, but couldn't believe just how incredible it really was!
I was just wondering what people's reasons were for not breastfeeding? I'm not asking about health reasons or those who have suffered abuse etc. But just wondering why some women simply choose not to?
I'm not being a GF either before anyone offers me a biscuit 😉 just genuinely curious why someone would choose to bottle feed?

I was a little like you when I was pregnant. I planned to BF (though with the introduction of a bottle after a few weeks so I could have a break if needed), which was just what my sisters and my friends had done. I also (silently) judged my SIL for 'giving up' after three weeks.

Then I had my baby. I couldn't get her to latch on well, then got mastitis, so I was expressing, cup feeding her, then topping up with formula as I wasn't producing enough milk. It was very difficult, and after five days I decided to switch to FF. I felt guilty about it, but it passed. I also felt guilty about judging my SIL, who had managed to BF for longer than I had!

I discovered it was definitely the right decision for me, as I really needed to be able to have a break from the baby and feel like myself again, which I expect would have been difficult if I'd been BF. You may discover that your plans and the reality are very different.

Also, on the first page a PP has claimed that co-sleeping affects men's body chemistry a X makes them more likely to bond/ stay with their children. I'd love to see the evidence for this claim!

MissBax Thu 22-Jun-17 12:15:11
And not to speak for FancyThat but I believe she has already told you why she didnt BF - because she didn't want to. That's her reason

Well my original question was WHY people don't want to. "because I don't want to" isn't an answer to that 😕

I don't have DC, and I've been out of nursing for over 10 years, I'm more concerned that you seem to not know basic information that I remember from my Midwifery placement which was way back.....

I fed both of mine- for 1 year and 3 years. I found it easy and convenient and only briefly painful in the first few days.

sorefeet as if to demonstrate my point, your reasons to FF are valid ones, however, some of them come across as implicitly critical of BF mothers, for example, my preschooler was not ignored/left to his own devices while I cluster-fed DS2; the baby fed in a sling whilst I took DS1 to the park.

We all see things differently, and what works for us might not be gospel for someone else.

Pouncival

MissBax Thu 22-Jun-17 12:15:11
And not to speak for FancyThat but I believe she has already told you why she didnt BF - because she didn't want to. That's her reason

Well my original question was WHY people don't want to. "because I don't want to" isn't an answer to that 😕

I'm not saying it's not a good enough reason not to breastfeed, I'm just saying it's not really answering the question. How can you not understand that?!

I fed Ds2 for 20 months. I found it quite restrictive. He wouldn't take expressed milk in a bottle so it was always me. And I struggled with the lack of routine of it all. With DS1 he had formula from around 7 weeks old and I could always plan when he would get hungry/wake up etc. With Ds2 he seemed to just want to feed every farts end. I'm amazed I lasted 20 months but by the end I was ready to scream "get off my sodding tit!" despite him only feeding morning and evening by that stage. I'm not sure I would BF if I had a third baby. The only reason I would try is because of the guilt I would feel if I didn't.

I'm more concerned that you seem to not know basic information that I remember from my Midwifery placement which was way back..... - well what is the "basic information"?

Have a few friends who didn't want to so they could have more autonomy going out especially at nights etc or didn't want babies they thought would be more clingy / spoiled
The others didn't get the support they needed from family ( so had to worry about feeding husbands and guests rather than the baby) or from health professionals or thought myths were true like it's affected by flat or small nipples or it's meant to be painful

I bfd ds for 18m. During that time he never slept for more than 20 minutes in a row. I was on my knees with exhaustion. He wouldn't take a bottle, so we couldn't leave him with anyone. He dropped weight, but wouldn't take a bottle, so we had to introduce solids early. My joints were as lax as they were during pregnancy and. Ow I have permanent joint damage because of it. My hair kept falling out
I was judged when I finally weaned him at 18m by the somewhat hippy attachment mums I know for stopping and on the same fucking day was told it was disgusting I'd fed him that long by someone else. You can't fucking win can you? If I have another it's mix feeding from the off

The problem you have here op is this. if a mum wants to breastfeed and struggles she needs all the support you can give her. If she wants to bottle feed you support her doing that too your job is NOT to coerce women who don't want to into doing it.

Breast feeding is best on a population level what's best for the individual mum and baby pair may not be what's best for the population as a whole.

Professionals need to stop judging, stop pressurising and stop guilting, and yes, even the subtle stuff, which goes under the guise of education. Provide support where it's needed - whether that's to bottle, mix or breast.

'I don't want to breastfeed' is a perfectly valid response. No one needs to explain or have judge comments about it not being as good for the baby. End of.

Very true brasty, I am wondering recently how much of poor maternal mental can be directly linked to the perceptions vs realities around infant feeding.

We are told as first time mothers how good breastfeeding is, how essential it is to mother and baby's wellbeing and how simple it is compared to any other method of feeding, how straightforward it is. There is not enough mainstream information in place to support the realities of establishing breastfeeding, and there is far too much misinformation around the realities of breastfeeding vs formula feeding.

To add a cruel insult to injury, you are pumped full of this information from your first midwife appointment, and assured that it will be fine, 98% of women can breastfeed. .. And then a few months later after a traumatic birth, your support is virtually non existence unless you have the energy and wits about you to actively chase it down, while you remain alone struggling to accomplish the all important goal that you were told is so easy, so natural. And you dare not pick up a bottle of formula even though your baby blues aren't going away and baby is losing 10% of his birth weight, because if you do your child will be stupid, fat, sick, get cancer.

These thoughts may not be on the surface but I know from personal experience and speaking to many women in the same boat and these precidents are set early on. when my mum gave birth, you were in hospital for a week to establish feeding and if feeding wasn't going well then formula was given. It wasn't a big deal but now breast feeding is one of those things associated with a marker of ideal motherhood, regardless if it is ideal for the mother.

The support system needs to be much less patronising, much more factual and balanced and much more based on the realities of breastfeeding.

And if you don't want to breastfeed for aby reason? That is absolutely your perogative.

"get off my sodding tit!" 😂😂

My DS is almost 7 months and still BF.
I stopped at 8 months with my DD (only because I got food poisioning and was so ill I physically could not feed her).
Part of the reason I BF so long is because neither would take a bottle!
Of course, there are said to be health benefits (tho my DS has had so many colds it is hard to see them!), it is free and convenient (no bottle prep for trips out etc). But it is hard-when you are solely responsible for feeding. Your "freedom" is severely restricted and the exhaustion is overwhelming-my DS still wakes up to 3 times a night (prob more due to comfort than hunger). It becomes harder to BF when out in public as they get older-at 4 months both were so nosey/curious they left me "exposed" many times. Would I BF again? Absolutely

your job is NOT to coerce women who don't want to into doing it. - I haven't suggested otherwise at any point.

And - I KNOW "I DONT WANT TO" IS A VALID REASON NOT TO BREASTFEED!!!!!!!

But why cant you understand that "I don't want to" IS an answer to your question?

Your question was "why choose not to breastfeed"

"Because I don't want to"

That is the answer. They didn't want to breastfeed. Its really not that hard to understand.

Personally for me, I'm not comfortable breast feeding. I don't want to hide away in my bedroom every time the baby is hungry and I don't want to have to feel uncomfortable in my own body because everyone gets a little judgy that you don't "at least try".
It's each to their own, I don't pass judgement on those who breastfeed, as long as the baby is fed it's important. I don't see the point in trying to make a new mum feel awful for making this decision when they're probably feeling insecure as a new mum anyway.

Gah - and then I simply said, is there a reason you don't want to. Jesus, I'm sorry for asking what is evidently the most offensive question on the planet!

I don't see the point in trying to make a new mum feel awful for making this decision when they're probably feeling insecure as a new mum anyway. - neither do I.

BF is a learned behaviour (like walking) it does not just happen (like breathing). There is so much pressure to give up at the first sign of difficulty. Other mothers' guilt, few experienced breastfeeders to ask for advice and society's expectations about who and what breasts are for all set women up to fail.

BF is not best for baby, it is the norm...
FF is worse for baby.

That is the honest way it should be described. All the science points to this but it is a hard pill to swallow.

Op: not saying it's not a good enough reason not to breastfeed, I'm just saying it's not really answering the question. How can you not understand that?!

Please don't be one of those midwives. No one owes you an explanation. Good midwives support, they don't hector or judge under the guise of 'concern'. 'I don't want to' is a valid reason, no one needs to explain to anyone why they don't want to and your job is NOT to persuade women otherwise.

This pressurising is terrible, because it goes hand in hand with the myths described above (it's easy, it's painless - well sometime it isn't easy and sometime it does hurt, even if your latch is perfect) and yet theres no real support for women wanting to feed and struggling

Good midwives ask the question : then they support the woman in her choice.

The above goes for all the other stuff too. If she wants a cs, your job is NOT to persuade her otherwise, its to allow her to make an informed choice.

I didn't mean to offend ANYONE!

Stop playing the innocent and treating posters like they're stupid MissBax.

You're being totally disingenuous, shiteing on with your "I just want to understaaaand" trope.

Please don't be one of those midwives. No one owes you an explanation - IM NOT A FUCKING MIDWIFE

Because I didn't want to.

Why do you care ?

Fed is best.

The question isn't offensive, its been asked thousands of times by people who also think they are asking something original so its actually quite boring. Its the insinuation and that there must be a more spectacular reason than "I dont want to".

You actually asked "Fancythat - you must have had a reason to not want to? " when they had already told you their reason - they didn't want to.

I'm studying NLP and received this earlier this week from my tutor, your "why" comes across as aggressive, this might be helpful to explain it

Be careful with ‘Why?’ - and treat it as an attack question:

• when you are asked a ‘why?’ question

• when you are tempted to ask somebody else a ‘why?’ question

For example

We rarely intend ‘why?’ as an attack question. But it’s often experienced this way - as a challenge or an intrusion.

This is because, when we were young, adults used ‘why?’ as a way of controlling us and requiring us to justify our actions.

So we have a deep-down uneasiness about being asked the question - and, conversely, a deep-down drive to answer a ‘why?’ question…

immediately and almost without thinking!

How is this useful?

If you use ‘why?’ a lot it can, over time, evoke a degree of resistance or resentment towards you.

If you unknowingly respond to ‘why?’ quickly and obediently, you may be open to being manipulated - and you are educating people in how to treat you!

Should I never use the word ‘Why?’

It’s fine to use it - as long to do so with caution.

And as long as it fits in with the context.