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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

We have found out the gender and I don't know how I feel about it...

109 replies

DuRezidal · 27/05/2017 15:18

I am 16 weeks today and we made an appointment for a private gender scan. I had no idea what I was having, but I did always envisage having two daughters.

We took my 5 year old daughter with us as she wanted to know.

The baby was not very cooperative for quite some time, and then finally the sonographer asked if we still wanted to know. We said yes and she announced we were having a boy.

Since that moment I've just felt strange and don't feel as excited as I would do. I can't say this to my husband as he is absolutely delighted, he never imagined we would be having a boy but he is so so happy. So I feel a bit guilty that I am not glad I am having a boy.

It's silly because I know that I have a daughter who is perfect, but I just envisaged having another little girl.

OP posts:

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Lofari · 27/05/2017 20:26

I think it's natural to have the image in your head of the child you're having and then feel a bit meh when you find out you're in fact having the opposite gender.
My 3rd dc, I had such a feeling was another girl (already had one of each) And at 20 week scan I was told yes that's a girl. Lovely.
At 2 scans afterwards (excess fluid) I was told I was having a boy and when I looked shocked they froze the screen and showed me without doubt his little boy parts. I felt very meh for a few days, in my head bump was a girl and we had names for her.
After a couple of days I was over the shock and happily buying boy stuff. Little man is nearly 2 now and is adorable. Give yourself a break OP x

Original poster

DuRezidal · 27/05/2017 20:28

I did not realise that I would be so judged when I posted on this forum, I thought it was a place you could air your worries or thoughts while being faceless to give you the freedom of open thought.

At least I have learned one thing from this post.

OP posts:

Original poster

DuRezidal · 27/05/2017 20:29

Thank you @Lofari , I am hoping that my emotions will catch up in a few days.

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 27/05/2017 20:31

DuRezidal, I had a scan on ds4 and cried all the way home and intermittently for the remainder of the pregnancy. When he was born, he was just the most gorgeous baby and I fell head over heels in love with him. He is nine now and the loveliest, kindest child. I did go on to have a little girl who sadly died when she was seven weeks old and the person who above all others helped me cope was ds4. His hugs, his sensitivity and his pure unconditional love. I wouldn't swap him for the world.
Whatever you have, the love is the same

YoginiBump · 27/05/2017 20:32

Hello OP, I have a 3 year old boy and an 18 month old girl. Both are totally lovely! When I found out I was having a boy at my 20 week scan I too felt odd. I have a sister, work in fashion, am very feminine and always imagined I would have a daughter. But you know what, he is the lovliest little boy, we have a great relationship and he is the cuddliest of my 2! Yes he likes trains and football and 'boy' activities, but he also does ballet, likes clothes, plays with his sister and is an excellent big brother. It really is about the little person, not the gender and you and your husband and daughter will love him so much!

OhTheRoses · 27/05/2017 20:33

I am sorry if you have not had the sympathy you feel you deserve. This is an open forum yes. But it is also one where there are many viewpoints and many life experiences and you have to be mindful of what others have suffered too. Whilst comparisons are odious it is important also to be proportionate. You have a daughter. You are having a boy. All is well. Get over yourself and move on.

dynevoran · 27/05/2017 20:34

Look you can't help how you feel, but you do need to process and move on. I know it's hard when people remind you of how precious any healthy baby is because someone else's suffering doesn't mean that you can't be having your own problems. But try not to take it as rude and use those reminders of how precious life is as the things you need to tell yourself to be able to process your disappointment /shock and move on feeling happy and positive.

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2017 20:37

I'm glad my son was born prior to it being commonly known which sex you were having. I had a girl first and tbh felt it was win-win on the second - if it was a girl there would be two sisters; if it was a boy it would be one of each. Except - I had a very violent and abusive brother and was terrified of having a boy.

My son is now in his twenties and he's the most lovely boy - I couldn't have hoped for anyone better. I was worried he'd be into football and things I didn't like, but no, he wasn't, but even if he was I loved him so much I would've been on the sidelines cheering him on. (Still glad he wasn't, though!)

In the end you realise you've given birth to a person, not a sex. Your son will be wonderful. He will love you just as much as your daughter does. You will think the world shines out of him. As it will.

Original poster

DuRezidal · 27/05/2017 20:38

@OhTheRoses I was not looking for sympathy, perhaps that is you projecting your own emotions on someone else's experience.

This post was a way that I could voice my concerns over my lack of emotion, something I did not feel able to discuss in the real world. I in no way 'feel sorry for myself' or 'feel I deserve sympathy', these are only required when someone needs support in times of difficulty. Clearly this is not that acute of a situation, it is simply a person voicing concerns over their own situation.

And for the record, no one on here knows the journey others have made to get to the point they are at. Assumptions make an ass of those who make them.

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MrsEricBana · 27/05/2017 20:39

You really are lucky to have one of each. I have ds and dd. Both are wonderful but v different, as two same sex children could be. Ds age 16 is sweet and kind (as well as being mad on the gym, rugby, xbox etc), loves having a cuddle and is SO kind to me. Dd also lovely but less needy and far more independent. I absolutely LOVE having a big son (a foot taller than me!) and a daughter. I do know what you mean though as I was convinced dc2 would be a boy as dc1 had been. By that stage I felt I could manage a boy baby / toddler so was a bit thrown by then having a girl, but it has been wonderful. Differences not necessarily bad!

chipmonkey · 27/05/2017 20:39

Oh, and you ALWAYS get judged on Mumsnet, no matter what you say or do! I think when people have suffered horrendous loss, it can be hard to take when people are upset about what seem to be minor things. But I have lost my dd and my dh and I still moan over small things. It's allowed!

Bodypumpaddict · 27/05/2017 20:39

Lots of people on here will wish they could have a healthy child.

Just remember that.

Original poster

DuRezidal · 27/05/2017 20:40

@dynevoran this post was exactly that, a way to process without causing emotional torrents to those around.

OP posts:

Original poster

DuRezidal · 27/05/2017 20:42

@MrsEricBana a friend has always said her son is far more cuddly and tactile than her daughter. She always put this down to her daughter being a little more independent b

OP posts:

ChickenBhuna · 27/05/2017 20:42

Congratulations on your healthy baby OP.

Original poster

DuRezidal · 27/05/2017 20:45

I think some of my emotions are partly because I know what I am doing with a girl, whereas a boy is the complete unknown. I am from a family of girls, my friends have all had girls, so that is what I know.

My best friend has just been sending me some outfits for little boys as I said to her I wouldn't even know where to start (obviously after the baby grow point). I am sure it will all settle down soon, that my daughter will pass over her disappointment and we can all look forwards to the arrival of the new little boy in our family.

OP posts:

Bodypumpaddict · 27/05/2017 20:46

MrsEricBana · 27/05/2017 20:54

Exactly OP, that's all it is. It'll be wonderful!

ChickenBhuna · 27/05/2017 21:02

I've never really understood it when people say things like 'I wouldn't know what to do with a girl , I've got (insert number) boys'. All children are different and a girl may not be girly and a son may not wish to play with trucks , it's impossible to know how your baby's personality will grow as you nurture him/her.

I have one of each and another on the way and I didn't find out their gender's (the first two) until they were born. Literally the only difference been a boy and a girl baby are their private parts no how you wipe them...oh and how they pee over you/the changing mat when they are bare bottomed!

I know what I'm having this time because we had a late loss last time and told the sonographer to talk be through everything she saw , this happened to include boy bits!

What I'm trying to say OP is that gender says nothing about a child really , they are all different.

Good luck with your pregnancy.

mummabubs · 27/05/2017 21:07

Just wanted to add another supportive voice OP. I'm 21 weeks pregnant with my first child and am open in that I would much prefer to have a girl first time round, probably as I am one of three girls, my cousins are all female and so girls are familiar to me. This definitely not me saying that I won't love my child if they are a boy, but equally it would be a shock. (And if I'm being brutally honest I would initially feel disappointed). I personally don't think there's any shame in having a preference when it comes to sex. I'm sorry to read some of the judgemental responses you've had, and I'm sorry to say it's those responses that are the reason I've never started my own thread about finding out the sex. (We're not as husband really wants it to be a surprise, so it's 19 weeks of uncertainty left for me!) And before anyone leaps on me for that comment we were at risk of several health problems with our bubba, which have thankfully been ruled out at the latest scan.

Zampa · 27/05/2017 21:08

Roses I'm very sorry for your losses but your posts, along with those of Strawberry, Bodypump and others are unfair on the OP.

Minimising someone's feelings because worse things have happened to others is not on. I'd be devastated if someone who had lost both parents at age 20 had told me that I couldn't possibly be sad about losing "just" my Mum at the same age.

DuRez I can sympathise. When an idea in your head is formed, consciously or otherwise, it can take time to adjust to your new reality. But you will adjust.

Good luck for your pregnancy.

Bodypumpaddict · 27/05/2017 21:13

I don't mean to be unfair but do want to give OP a sense of perspective.

She's lucky to healthy baby and needs to remember that

peaceloveandbiscuits · 27/05/2017 21:13

These feelings are valid and real, and you have to let yourself feel them. "Grieve" for the girl you thought you'd have but aren't, do whatever you need to. But do listen when people tell you how absolutely marvellous little boys are! they are loving, kind, vibrant little things - just like girls! You're going to have a gorgeous baby boy, congratulations

OhTheRoses · 27/05/2017 21:13

zampa the op hasn't lost anything. She's gained a wonderful healthy son and is having a whinge about it. I am sorry but I find it incomprehensible.

VaccineWife · 27/05/2017 21:18

I have two girls and was convinced my third was going to be a girl too.

He was a boy. When we found out I was a bit nonplussed. What do you do with a boy? I only knew about girls!

I, too, felt a bit weird about it at first. It was all so abstract.

But then he was born and oh my god... I love him so much. We all love him so much. He's just perfect and cute and wonderful and I'm so, so glad I got the chance to experience having girls and boys. I love him just as much as the others but in a different way that I simply can't explain.

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