My friend is desperate for a girl!! Rant!!

[liliboard]

Hey!
I just need to rant!!
So I had my little boy 2 years ago and he's an absolute joy! When I was pregnant my friend who had no children at the time, would drop little comments when I was pregnant about how it was a boy and do I think I don't feel much bonding with him because it's a boy. (I went through some pre and post natal desperation, only mild)
Now obviously for me, my boy is my world and I wouldn't ever change him!
Now my friend started trying for a baby a few months ago (first) and got pregnant right away. Years leading up to this pregnancy she's have conversations about how if she had 2 boys she'd try for a girl but if she had 2 girls she'd stop. So basically boys are obviously vile. Which hits me hard and makes me angry!
She not finding out what she's having as I heard from another friend incase it wasn't a girl. So she wouldn't have the long disappointment.
This girl is so not maternal and not naturally great with kids and even the thought of her being a mum makes me laugh as she doesn't seem to understand how hard babies are. So the fact she's so so keen to have a girl makes me so mad! Like, what's wrong with having a boy?! Any child is a blessing! She says she now doesn't mind what she has but I know she does.

Ugh.

Sorry for long post! But I'm so annoyed!!

Oh I don't know, from being knee high to a Brussel sprout I only ever wanted little girls. I never really got along with little boys much, not friend's kids, not cousins, neighbours, classmates etc. I had nothing really in common with them. I certainly didn't hate boys but I just couldn't easily imagine myself mum to one. When I got pregnant I did kinda hope for girls. I got one girl then another. Eventually I got pregnant again and thought I've got what I wanted, maybe a boy would be nice. And then I got him. Turns out he's the apple of my eye and I can't imagine life without him but I still don't feel that I was wrong earlier to hope for a certain sex. Preference is not wrong. Treating your children differently due to their sex is wrong. Not loving your children because of their sex is wrong. In the end it's all good as long as they're healthy but there certainly is a difference in raising girls to boys.

OP I Actually agree with Thou - it is ok to have a preference, however I am firmly in the boy camp. I think boys are just divine! When I had my first son I was pretty relaxed about what sex I had. Then I had him, he is now nearly 3, and i am so besotted with him (and all his boyishness) that I verge on a bit weird about how yummy I think he is.

I am expecting my second boy in three weeks and this time I REALLY cared that I had a boy - as I feel I 'understand' boys now and how I build relationships with them. I cannot wait to have my two boys. There is a certain straightforwardness with boys in my experience but I accept everyone feels differently.

I think having a preference is ok - but in your shoes I would have also been offended because I would have wanted to help your friend see how incredible having a boy will be too. I just couldn't be disappointed with a boy EVER.

It does seem that lots of mothers want girls...just doesn't occur to me ever. All my friends who are mums of boys feel the same way I do.

When I was pregnant with my first I wanted a boy and nearly cried when I was told it was a girl at my 20 week scan. People told me I wouldn't mind once she was born.

When I was pregnant with my second I wanted a boy. Again I was disappointed when the scan showed a girl. I would be without them now. It's just silly ideas you get in your head. I had a perfect boy's name from family history. I never got to use it but that's ok.

I think you are looking a bit too much into it to be honest. It's got nothing to do with your son.

People are allowed to have a preference. It doesn't mean they won't love whatever they get. It doesn't sound like you like her much and are looking for a personal attack in her behaviour when there isn't one

I only ever imagined myself with a girl to the point I only considered girl's names when I was pregnant. I admit, although obviously all babies are blessings, that I really wished and yearned for a girl. I got her and she is a complete tomboy. But I get to dress her, and do her hair, and go to coffee shops and paint her nails and do all the little things I imagined I would do with a daughter. I think some people have a fantasy about the future and when I was a child pretending dolls were my children, they were always girls.

I think it is okay to have a preference as long as you love whatever you get.

I think OP that your friend doesn't mean to offend you in any way. IMO she might be better off finding out the gender in advance in case she needs time to adjust her fantasy before the baby arrives. Enjoy your boy and I'm sure she will cherish whatever gender she gets.

Life has a habit of changing the best plans. I wanted four girls and was timing things to that end but we lacked the necessary self control for correct timing and number two was a boy. He was luckily the sweetest, most placid, most beautiful baby imaginable. The fourth turned out to be twins so that completely trashed idea of four little ones. Not sure why we had the sixth, it just felt right.

I wanted a girl so badly but mainly because I genuinely couldn't envisage me having a boy. I always say how happy I am I had a girl and I really am. I have never felt pressure to have any more because I felt I had everything I wanted. But I don't think badly of anyone having boys or that they are worse off. Just feel lucky I got my preference that's all. I do sometimes look at families with lots of boys and think ahhh still so happy I have my girl. Although maybe ask me when she's a teenager as she's still a toddler...

I was desperate for a boy, I imagine girls to be such hard work, so much more complicated and wanted to find out the sex so I could prepare myself mentally if it was a girl.

I'm sure I would have loved any daughter just the same but as the oldest of a brood of sisters I'd den first hand the drama

Years leading up to this pregnancy she's have conversations about how if she had 2 boys she'd try for a girl but if she had 2 girls she'd stop. So basically boys are obviously vile.

Don't agree with this. I've always been the other way round. Always seen myself as being the mother of a boy and always felt that if I originally had 2 girls I would probably try again for a boy. But If I had two boys I'd probably stick to that. It absolutely does not mean that I find girls vile! I've just always wanted a boy. As it happens I had a boy first and then a girl. I love them both exactly the same and I certainly don't favour the boy over the girl now!

Your friends is allowed to have a preference. She'll love her child whatever the gender.

This girl is so not maternal and not naturally great with kids and even the thought of her being a mum makes me laugh as she doesn't seem to understand how hard babies are.

This is just a horrible thing to say. You're her friend are you?

Bold fail! Try again...

Years leading up to this pregnancy she's have conversations about how if she had 2 boys she'd try for a girl but if she had 2 girls she'd stop. So basically boys are obviously vile.

I'm pleased to have one of each so if anyone suggests to me that boys or girls aren't their preference I can say everyone is different and love is love. Mine are equal to me.

I just hoped for 2 btw, didn't have a preference.

Crumbs1 are you saying you think you can control the gender of your child through "proper timing" of when you have sex? Gender is determined by whether the sperm fertilising the egg carries an x (girl) or a y (boy) chromosome.

I think you'd be as well to just tune out all this stuff she says. It will change when the baby actually arrives as you said yourself. Don't respond to it.

Having a preference is fine. Shit-talking the opposite of your preference is not. There's a distinct difference.

With my first, I had a preference for a boy. For a couple of reasons (would've been the first boy in the family in 58 years, and was a little bit sick of pink, Barbies, Dora etc. by that point!), and I had a boy. But I know, rationally, that I would've adored a girl every bit as much as my son.

I now have two boys and two girls. I love them all equally and uniquely. I often find the insistence on only having a particular sex interesting, because there's no guarantee that your girl is going to be a stereotypical girly girl, or your boy being a stereotypical rough and tumble boy. People seem to forget this when they plan out their fantasy family.

Ignore her. She sounds like a prat. Enjoy your little boy. They're wonderful.

SuperBeagle is right. My much wished for girl is a complete tomboy. I often think she doesn't identify with being a girl. She will paint her nails but the joy is not in having painted nails, it is instead the actual painting. While she will wear dresses and skirts, she prefers boyish clothes. She is happiest outside playing chase with boys and pretending to be a ninja. I think at some stage she will change and become girlish but it doesn't matter as long as she is happy. She has made me realise that if I hadn't got my girl, I'd have coped and would be an okay mum with a boy after all.

Circle...you can abit. Boy sperm is quicker to reach the egg but dies early. Girl sperm is slowly and lives longer. Not sure if old wife tale but worked for dsis who wanted one of each.

When I had DC 5, which was a surprise, I was adamant I wanted a girl.

I had 1 boy and then 3 girls so i was set up for girls, I had all the clothes etc and wouldnt have to spend a penny. Plus when I found out I was expecting him, DC4 was only 3 months old so it would have been easy to just keep all the baby clothes out and keep going!

I was devastated when I found out he was a boy at 20 weeks. Properly snotty tears, in a bad way for weeks, devastated. When I found out I was pg I did briefly consider a termination and was in a bit of a state about it, but came to terms with it and was ok. I think I pinned my "It'll be fine" on him being a girl. Of course he wasnt. By the time he was born I was used to the idea and I am glad I found out when I did as it allowed me time to get used to it without actually trying to bond and care for him at the same time.

Having a preference is not a problem, being obsessed that a baby has to be a particular sex is definitely a problem as I found out. It would worry me that if the baby is a boy after she spend 9 months planning and desperately hoping for a girl, she will struggle to bond and it could lead to PND.

I think you're being really unfair to your friend. Firstly she hasn't had a child yet and so it's just imaginary to her. Secondly it's quite typical for women to have a slight preference for girls and men to have a slight preference for boys because that's what your gender is and you imagine it will be a "mini you" sometimes. Thirdly her position has nothing to do with your son.

So basically boys are obviously vile.

Thats not what she is saying. Thats what you have, incorrectly, translated it as.

What you actually said
This girl is so not maternal and not naturally great with kids and even the thought of her being a mum makes me laugh as she doesn't seem to understand how hard babies are

Is far worse. You are taking comments she made about her own preferences and turned it into and insult. Then completely insulted her.

I am not maternal in the slightest. I am a damn good mother to 2 kids. Nothing prepares anyone for how hard babies are. Being naturally maternal (i assume this means simply liking kids) is no guarantee you will find it easy.....as you well know.

Your friend isn't judging your boy, just saying that she wants a girl, maybe you're so defensive because part of you wanted a girl too?
I thought I didn't care about the gender until I found out I was having a boy and it was a shock how upset I was. I'm not very girly and would have hated all the pink stuff that would be bought but I suddenly realised I wanted hair to do and little toenails to paint, dresses to buy and little tights. You get more variety with girls, you can do all that and still have the jeans and dungarees too. I love my DS but I still mourn the girl that I'll never have (I can't have any more). Mainly I think it's because in general people seem to have more of a relationship with their adult daughters than their sons. Maternal grandparents are generally put first and couples will often live nearer her parents rather than his. I know it's not always the case but I see it a lot and it does make me sad. I consider my son on loan to us for 18 years and then anything else is a bonus.

I think most people have a preference, even if it's deep down.

I have one of both, and they're just perfect.

Thank you for all your replies.
I appreciate everyone has a preference, my preference was a boy but I'd have been equally happy with a girl. I really didn't care! I just leaned a little bit towards boy. I just feel like she would be utterly disappointed with a boy. I guess coming from a life of miscarriages and I know a lot of friends that had miscarriages that I feel like you should be happy with whatever you get.
With the non maternal thing, I know it sounds harsh but it's so true.
Not interacting with my son when he was a baby / forgetting he was there, not understanding that babies are hard work, not just there to be looked at and thinking all you do with a baby is sit and hold them. I think she's in for a real shock and of course I have and always will pass on any advice etc. But you've got to think come on, you're almost 30, you should understand that this is going to be hard work!
I didn't mean to offend anyone and it's perfectly fine to have a preference but I think she's very obsessed with this preference.
She's been my friend for almost 15 years and there are some things I love about her and some things that just make me
I've spoken to her about how great boys are and how wonderfully easy my son was! She told me once that she's seen how i am with my son and how her friend is with their son and is kind of reassured that we love them so much even though they're boys!
Anyway.
Sorry for the long post xx

How someone behaves with other people's DC is no indication of whether they'll be a good parent to their own.

I didn't have a preference. I really didn't mind either way. I lost 3 babies and would have been happy either way.

I had a boy first and thought he was (and still is) fucking great. Ive just had a much wanted second baby who happens to be a girl. And she's great too!

Im not in to the whole dressing a girl like a princess etc I view them both the same.

Try not to take it personally.