My friend is desperate for a girl!! Rant!!

[liliboard]

Hey!
I just need to rant!!
So I had my little boy 2 years ago and he's an absolute joy! When I was pregnant my friend who had no children at the time, would drop little comments when I was pregnant about how it was a boy and do I think I don't feel much bonding with him because it's a boy. (I went through some pre and post natal desperation, only mild)
Now obviously for me, my boy is my world and I wouldn't ever change him!
Now my friend started trying for a baby a few months ago (first) and got pregnant right away. Years leading up to this pregnancy she's have conversations about how if she had 2 boys she'd try for a girl but if she had 2 girls she'd stop. So basically boys are obviously vile. Which hits me hard and makes me angry!
She not finding out what she's having as I heard from another friend incase it wasn't a girl. So she wouldn't have the long disappointment.
This girl is so not maternal and not naturally great with kids and even the thought of her being a mum makes me laugh as she doesn't seem to understand how hard babies are. So the fact she's so so keen to have a girl makes me so mad! Like, what's wrong with having a boy?! Any child is a blessing! She says she now doesn't mind what she has but I know she does.

Ugh.

Sorry for long post! But I'm so annoyed!!

Having a baby makes you realise how hard it is. Not your age.

You only know how hard it is because you have one.

If she is actually a friend. Stop predicting how bad this is going to be for her. Its not helpful to her or you. She may be one of the people who find it fairly easy. She may get one that sleeps through (dbro and sils first did at 4 weeks - lucky bastards).

I get the feeling you will take it as another insult to you if she does find it easy. It feels like you are waiting for her to learn her lesson about how hard having kids is.

Sounds more like a "frenemy" than a friend!

I appreciate everyone has a preference, my preference was a boy but I'd have been equally happy with a girl. If you have a preference then I really doubt that you would be EQUALLY happy otherwise why have a preference?

I have and always will pass on any advice etc in the nicest possible way she probably needs to find her own way of doing things. I'm not a massive baby fan, but my own were different and now they are older I think I do a pretty good job of raising children who are well balanced, happy and independent.

I unashamedly longed for a girl first time round. Got boys next and haven't found out this pregnancy. I genuinely don't mind. But is that because I got my girl first? Who knows.

I'm open in really wanting a girl (currently 16.5 weeks with my first, not finding out sex). Would I feel disappointed if we have a boy?- honestly, probably yes for a moment. Would it stop me from loving my son?- absolutely not. I think super beagle got it in one, it's fine to have your own feelings about preference; it's not ok to judge or insinuate others should or shouldn't have those preferences.

You sound like you don't like this woman at all. I don't understand why you refer to her as your friend when she's clearly not.

I'm 'not maternal' in the slightest and was pretty hopeful for a girl. I seem to have managed ok

I did have a girl, I'm not really into babies and small kids I probably wouldn't 'interact much' with you Dc and also would probably 'forget he was there' but that's ok he's yours. It doesn't mean she won't be a fantastic mum.

The not maternal and disinterested in other children thing is a complete non issue op. I used to get that sort of comment from my mother (which was nice and supportive).

I was not particularly interested in other peoples babies, I had no desire to mother children Tha weren't my own. But when I had my baby I found it pretty natural stepping into the role. They have all survived and been well cared for! Girls and boy.

I am assuming you are keeping your uncharitable thoughts to yourself op. Everyone is different, so your friend wants her baby to be a girl? So what? There is a need for both. So what if she is not awed by the magnificence of your boy, you know how amazing he is. She will find out for herself how hard parenting a child is, she might find it easier Tha you she might need lots of support. You have learned from her what comments can be hurtful so it is up to you how involved you are as she becomes a mother. Son friendships don't last.

Mostly, People have preferences based on what they think they like, which is based on what they think boys or girls will be like or how their relationship is.

Before my first I was, in truth, preferring a girl. The minute my boy was born I was delighted with him.

People love their child.

She will find out in due course.

Don't take her feelings personally, it is turning you nasty towards her.

London The idea of different speeds and life spans for x and y sperm was perpetuated by medical assumptions by a doctor called Shettles in the 60's. No reputable medical source supports this theory nowadays.

www.bmj.com/content/332/7546/916.3

CircleofWilis, thank you for your informative comment. Of course I understand that sex is determined by x or Y chromosome and indeed the differences between the two and a bit more besides. I'm quite knowledgeable really. Who knew there were four genotypes with deactivation of some X chromosomes? Who knew X chromosomes carry 1000 genes compared to 78 in the Y chromosome?

Can you influence the sex of your baby? Well if you understand the characteristics of the sex specific sperm you can certainly increase the odds. Sperm carrying male chromosome is faster, more motile but less resilient so dies quicker after ejaculation. Conversely, female sperm is slower but more durable and lasts longer. It doesn't take a genius to work out the biological fact that timing affects gender ratio and that personal behaviours can influence the statistical likelihood of a specific sex, if preferred. Not foolproof but can work if applied properly.

Tha = than
Son = some

OP I think you sound a little mean/bitter to be honest.

She is allowed a preference.
I know many great mothers who pre baby would not be considered "maternal" and don't show great interest in the babies of others.
It seems you are angry because of your own issues/previous difficulties. Although this is understandable it doesn't make your friend any less of a person/mother.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but your level of frustration/upset seems to be excessive in this situation.

I was sympathetic with your friend a bit at first although I can't comprehend a preference for either sex personally. That's how she feels and I'm sure she'll make a good mum whatever she gets.
Then I read this:

kind of reassured that we love them so much even though they're boys!

Is that what she said?? If so they she is very foolish.

Well if you didn't have a strong preference, then I guess you can't know how she's feeling??? Plenty of people have preferences, there's websites and forums online dedicated to gender disappointment. These people can't just switch it off, they feel bad they feel that way, but they can't help it.

It sounds to me that you're a bit offended because her preference is opposite to the sex of your child and you seem to feel like if she doesn't want a boy, it's some sort of insult to your son?

I had a slight preference for a girl because I had a wonderful relationship with my (now deceased) mum and I wanted to share that with a daughter.

My DH has a slight preference for a girl too, as he's not a typical blokey bloke and felt her would relate better to a girl.

Last week we found out we're having a boy. That's absolutely fine with us. I've been so ill in this pregnancy, that just having a healthy child at the end of it is all I want. I'm quite excited about meeting my little man.

But, being so ill, I'm really not sure I'll have another. I always wanted two children but currently don't think I could face another pregnancy. So this son might be it for us.

I caught sight of my old dolls house yesterday, which I had been keeping to hand down to a daughter. It hit me that I may never have a daughter to give it too, and that made me sad. It doesn't make my son any less wanted

It sounds like your friend is scared of being disappointed if she has a son. She's probably being sensible by not finding out, as she knows she'll love her baby regardless when she first sees it. Cut her some slack OP, she's hardly being a monster.

Sorry but you come across as petty, you have come on here with some rediculous ideas about why she will be a bad parent. Imo you sound jealous hmm

Hi crumbs I really shouldn't post after midnight as I morph into my sarcastic alter ego. Sorry that my earlier post was patronising. Should have just said that there is no medical proof for that belief and more modern rigorous studies have not found those differences.

I also think you sound jealous. Are you annoyed that she's going to be a mum and your PFB won't be the newest baby anymore?

I am pg with my first and really, really strongly felt that I was having a girl. I could see her, was referring to her by her name in my head.

But the other day we found out that there's a wee boy in there! I was really shocked, not because I don't want a boy but just because I hadn't even considered having one. My family is very female dominated so I never grew up with boys. I had plans in my head for how I could help my wee girl be confident and resilient and not make the mistakes I did. My mum is a great mum and we have a lovely relationship but she, my sister and myself have all had eating disorders. I was planning how to raise my wee girl never to go down that road but I know that's not necessarily something you can control.

Finding out I was having a boy was actually like finding out I was pregnant again. I thought 'I know about wee girls, I was one!' But then no two wee girls are identical. I cried because I suddenly felt so protective of him - DH was an unhappy, lonely wee boy and when I look at pictures of him as a child I just want to reach in and hold him tight. I feel a bit teary thinking about it now. I couldn't bear thinking about how it would feel if my wee boy felt lonely or embarrassed or left out as DH did. But then I remembered that DH grew up in a family with a lot of problems, he was put forward a year in school as he was so clever and found it hard to make new friends. Though I can't make my son's life perfect, I can do my best to give him a secure, happy home and the knowledge that he's not alone and as good as anyone else. I've been talking to him these past few days and calling him by his name.

Sorry for the ramble but it's been an emotional week and at the end of it I am delighted that one day I'll meet this wee man.

Honestly how she is with other people's children will have little bearing on how she is with her own. I have no interest in other people's children. I don't find them interesting and when I meet friends with their children, I inwardly groan as I know our conversation will be constantly interrupted. I don't care that they sleep through the night/can read at age three/love lego. I stifle yawns listening to and about them. Yet I find my own absolutely fascinating (most of the time) and i am genuinely interested in hearing about older kids - secondary school kids.

On another note, I thought the Shettles method was not backed up scientifically? I read up a lot about it (and tried to use it) when trying to conceive. More interesting are the statistics for IVF babies which I think male babies are in the (slight) majority?

I think you're being quite nasty about your friend, to be honest. Nobody knows how hard having a baby is until you get one. You sound like you're rubbing your hands in glee at the thought of her struggling. I was never maternal (and quite frankly I still don't like a lot of other people's children) but I absolutely adore my dc, do everything with them and found the whole motherhood thing a lot easier than many of my friends.

Incidentally, I have 2 girls and never wanted a boy either. I love girlie things like clothes and jewellery, and can spend hours playing with dolls and girls toys. Boys toys don't interest me in the slightest, and I couldn't imagine myself as a football/rugby/sports mum. But , if I had a boy, I would have loved him just as much as a girl.

Don't offer her advice unless she asks. I could have cheerfully stabbed the know-it-alls who tried to tell me what I should do with my baby.

This is slightly different to the situation you describe, but might offer some reassurance that she could turn out to be an OK mum.

My DP really wanted a boy. Had no sisters or female cousins etc so didn't know how to relate to girls.

He hadn't a clue what parenthood involved, wouldn't read any books I showed him, was incredulous at some of the stories he hard at ante natal classes.

We had a girl. He fully admits that he felt a wave of disappointment followed in a split second by an overwhelming tide of love for our daughter.

He is the best best best dad ever.

CircleofWillis - hah should have thought about user name and pointed out that there is a significant development problem in 50% of healthy individuals. Often a missing artery. Interesting stuff. Don't worry I've had much worse said to me and only ever get patronised on here - I'm usually taken quite seriously in real life.
My theory may not be subject to rigorous gold standard research but is great fun trying and can do no harm. Worked when we applied theory to practice.