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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

how to tell my husband and son i'm pregnant by my lover

83 replies

what2doo · 05/03/2007 22:56

even I'm totally shocked how my life has become a jerry springer show over night.
basically my husband works away for long periods but we have been drifting apart for more than 2 years. haven't had sex or even kissed for almost a year. we have started talking seriously about divorce 6 months ago but he doesn't want to upset my teenage son or his own family. Neither do I but suddenly I've found myself pregnant by my lover of 18 months. I so want to have this baby and I'm feeling so protective of this life inside me. however the news will explode like a hand grenade un every area of our lives.
I have a fantastic relationship with my son from prev relationship, he's away boarding only possible with great support from my mother in law. i think he'll never forgive me. i don't want to destroy my husband's life and upset his family either. also the financial consequences will be very tough as my husband isn't legally obliged to continue paying school fees.
this problem has been weighing upon me for 7 weeks it's all i think about, i'm hiding away indoors so noone sees me. i'm now 16 weeks and feel that i should have aborted immediately but now that choice feels terrible. i know it's not too late but i'm not sure how i'd cope. especially as i feel very scared that this will destroy my very loving relationship with my lover who says he fully supports my difficult choice and so this will be a life long regret
if anyone has any similar experience or helpful advice i'd appreciate hearing it so much

OP posts:

Carmenere · 05/03/2007 23:03

Well you would have aborted by now f you wanted to so I think that you want to have this baby. So you will just have to deal with the fallout.

Are you sure your h will stop paying for your ds's education?

Do you want to be a parent with your lover? Do you see him as a long term partner?

fireflyfairy2 · 05/03/2007 23:05

Do you think your dh is aware of your lover anyway?

colditz · 05/03/2007 23:21

Presumably, your MIL loves her Grandson and is not doing this out of any love for you. she will probably have a dicky fit, but send your son round to see her - she will see what's important.

I hope you resolve this. I think if you want this baby you should have this baby.

Original poster

what2doo · 05/03/2007 23:23

yes i can see my lover and i having a great future, very different and less financially secure but he's a great guy. i don't know how happy we'll be if my son hates us. i expect my h will stop paying school fees and his mother might just 'dump' us which will be so traumatic for my son. both my parents, my son's father and his grandparents have passed away and h's family are great with my son.
i do very much want this baby, so much that i've avoided aborting to this point. now i'm suddenly facing upto devastation it will cause. i'm being very selfish deciding to keep this baby whatever the consequences. it also seems doomed to try to sreate happiness this way. a total disaster all in all i can't see a good way out.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 05/03/2007 23:23

Colditz I think that the op's ds is from a previous relationship. But I agree that if they love the boy it shouldn't matter about his mums mistakes.

colditz · 05/03/2007 23:25

Criky

I am afraid I don't have any answers for you at all. Do what you think would be best - I don't think there will be any full solution to this. Maybe this is the push you needed to get out of a loveless marriage.

Carmenere · 05/03/2007 23:27

There is a way through this for you. Your ds is unlikely to hate you forever and is likely to grow to love his sibling. However he is likely to need lots and lots of love and support. I hope your h has it in him not to take it out on a child that he cares about.
As for your h, well there is no way of sugaring this pill, he will just have to deal with the fact that his relationship with you has come to an end.

nightowl · 05/03/2007 23:29

i had my dd in awkward circumstances. (not willing to go into detail) i wasn't married and neither was her father but i knew if i kept her i would lose a lot of people dear to me. i also knew that either way, her father would not be around as if i had her he would resent me, and if i aborted i would resent him. we were in effect, finished as soon as i found out i was pregnant. it was an extremely complicated situation.

everything said to me i shouldnt keep her, the consequences would be too much. but i did, and im glad i did. i had to face the music and be honest but it turned out ok. i dont regret it for a moment. i hope that may be a ray of light for you.

twinklingstar · 05/03/2007 23:37

What a lovely,caring post, Nightowl - glad it worked out for you.

What2doo, it is a real dilemma and people around you are bound to feel hurt, but you will get through this. What does your lover say about the pregnancy?

Original poster

what2doo · 05/03/2007 23:38

MIL is devoted to my h. she's a fantastic gma to my son but i'm 90% positive she'd sever all ties with us. they're a very conservative family. they have no idea of our marital problems. my son is aware but he's told me already he would hate us to divorce. we have a great lifestyle. i could afford another of school then he'd need a scholership for a levels or change of school.
to add to the drama my lover is black so my son will have a mixed race sibling. this might be an extra trauma condidering his very conservative public school.
my lover has been a mutual friend h has suspected our affair but ignored it, my son too suspects us has told me though he likes my man he wouldn't ever accept him as my partner.
the reason i keep returning to abortion is that it punishes only me rather than everyone. but i'm very scared that i'll miss the chance to have a baby

OP posts:

twinklingstar · 05/03/2007 23:43

What2doo - I suspect that deep down you want to keep this baby; however, up till now, you have probably yo-yoed between being in denial and secretly delighted. But around now you may have felt the baby move and certainly be growing to the point where your pregnancy will be hard to conceal any longer. That is a pressure on you to make a decision and you are panicky at the realisation on the impact this news is going to have for you marriage, your relationships with ds and other family, and friends, yes?

nightowl · 05/03/2007 23:47

ask yourself this what2doo..

do you WANT this baby?

if so then keep the baby and whatever happens, happens. there will be hurt, you'll feel awful. there will be arguments, your life will change. but you will get through it. it will fall into place.

Carmenere · 05/03/2007 23:47

O now stop that. Your marraige broke down. The last time I looked it took two people for that to happen. You tried to deal with it by getting a divorce but your h diddn't want to because of your ds. And now you think that he will abandon the same child he wanted to stay in a loveless marraige for. No it was much more likely that he was manipulating you and it hasn't worked, he has respnsibilty for the breakup too.

Yes you have been reckless in getting pregnant but you don't need to be punished for it. and if you abort you will resent everyone and hate yourself(I am thoroughly pro-choice btw).

Your only real responsibility is to your ds and your baby. If he has to change schools it won't kill him and may be better if his bigoted school mates would have a problem with your dp and his sibling being black/mixed race.

Original poster

what2doo · 05/03/2007 23:50

oh nightowl, i'm really feeling that sense of needing to protect my baby come what may. thanks for sharing your experience
my lover is great, we were strong friends before and he never falters in love and support yet he's broken a bit and shared his fears too
he's an awful situation too, will have to bear the brunt of masculine anger probably. we have debated every angle until we're exhausted and all that's left is for me to explain to h and son. he was a little shocked when a couple of weeks ago i decided i should seriously consider aborting and formulated a plan which included a long break together to recover, tidy divorce and new pregnancy within a year. but he seemed genuinely relieved at the less traumatic plan. however i cancelled the booked appt..yet i still don't feel able to tell h and son. i must be driving him insane but he's still very supportive we're totally in this together

OP posts:

worzella · 05/03/2007 23:54

Hard choice - but by leaving it to 16 weeks I suspect you have deep down already made it. You say you have a great lifestyle but that isn't enough to keep the marriage going. I agree with previous posters in that your DS could go to a non-fee paying school , or in fact the current school may have ways of waiving the fees for a period.

What is the worst that could happen if you decide to keep the baby? How would you feel to lose the baby now? Have you got anyone you can talk to who knows the people involved?

Children are resiliant, if they are kept 'in the loop' and surely your DS must have realised that you are not happy..

Best wishes with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

what2doo · 05/03/2007 23:57

twinklingstar you are 100% right, i'm shocked that anyone can understand so well. thankyou. i wish i'd found this website weeks ago. it really does feel such a relief to share this.
only my sister is aware of my pregnancy and she thiks i'm mad and should abort and sort out life first. i agree with the logic but i'm realising it's too late i can't do it.
carmenere you're also very right too, i forsee a lot of resentment if i were to abort too

OP posts:

nightowl · 06/03/2007 00:01

when i first found out i was pg with dd i wrote a list, outlining pros and cons of having her. madness, absolute madness but that's what i had done.

i had a whole page of reasons not to and about 3 to the contrary.

i was having a clean out about 6 months back and i found the list. i had totally forgotten about it. i also took great pleasure in ripping it up because nothing is ever as bad as you think it will be.

i remember going for my first anti-natal and bursting into tears at the midwife (saying i couldn't have the baby after all). she called my gp in and we had a chat. she said to me "looking at this from a logical point of view", (i assume she meant the circumstances at the time and knowing my history of depression), "perhaps you shouldn't have this baby"..."however, from an emotional point of view you may regret it if you dont?".

it was said in a very non-judgemental way (i cant remember her exact words now) and it made me think.

nightowl · 06/03/2007 00:05

i hope btw, it doesnt come across that im against abortion, im not at all. just wanted to share that a difficult situation can work out fine.

Original poster

what2doo · 06/03/2007 00:13

thankyou so much for taking the time to give advice. i'm really feeling much calmer than i have in a long time. i'm away from home staying with my sister buying extra time and when i try not to panic it all seems simple and wonderful. but working out how to explain to h and son is most impossible situation i've ever faced. i'm so angry with myself for creating this situation and hurting good people and my son who i've devoted my life to raising and have thus far done a grand job. but it feels wrong not to give this baby a chance even though it's disasterous timing

OP posts:

Carmenere · 06/03/2007 00:16

You have two different problems, you have to tell your h asap so you can begin the new phase of your life. What age is your ds? It may be best to wait a while and see how your h reacts re ds before you tell him(oh would he tell ds to be spiteful?)

Original poster

what2doo · 06/03/2007 00:21

my son is 15, totally wrong age for this event in his life. younger or older he would cope much better.
he will be home for holidays in less than 3 weeks.
in fact husband has accepted to a degree that our marriage is over but has decided to resign from his job and take a 6 month break so i'm also going to have to leave the family home. another trauma for my son, we have a beautiful home.

OP posts:

itsazoohere · 06/03/2007 00:21

Someone once told me (when I was 15 and 12 weeks pg) that whilst getting pregnant may be a mistake, having a baby never is. My dd is now 11 and I think we've both proved her right.

twinklingstar · 06/03/2007 00:23

As Carmenere says, it takes two to make a marriage work, and from what you say, what2doo, it has been a loveless experience for a long time. 'Not upsetting others' is a terrible reason to stay married!

Your ds has also had a long time to adjust to the situation in your family, even if he is away at boarding school and h away working. It could turn out that actually neither your h nor ds are surprised that their suspicions were right. It would be hard to hide your relationship with your lover totally, body language gives so much away, even when we don't mean it to.

You will need to be strong and tell them soon, best coming from you than finding out some other way. It seems so hard that it's a struggle to find the words, but if you had been happy with your h, the lover wouldn't have got a look in and you wouldn't be in this situation now.

Deep breaths. Every cloud has a silver lining.

nightowl · 06/03/2007 00:25

i know you dont want to hurt anyone but its unavoidable now. (sorry that sounds awful but i dont mean it in that way). we all hurt people unintentionally sometimes, but people move on. im sure that your son loves you and after the initial shock he will understand. the dust will settle. it won't be pretty at first but things do calm down.

Original poster

what2doo · 06/03/2007 00:27

wow itsazoohere that rings so true, I was only 18 when pregnant with ds (i just read acronym list!) noone expected me to keep the baby i was such a wild child but having ds has been the making of me.
you must really have struggled to raise a child at such a young age. i appreciate your comments so much

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