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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

how to tell my husband and son i'm pregnant by my lover

83 replies

what2doo · 05/03/2007 22:56

even I'm totally shocked how my life has become a jerry springer show over night.
basically my husband works away for long periods but we have been drifting apart for more than 2 years. haven't had sex or even kissed for almost a year. we have started talking seriously about divorce 6 months ago but he doesn't want to upset my teenage son or his own family. Neither do I but suddenly I've found myself pregnant by my lover of 18 months. I so want to have this baby and I'm feeling so protective of this life inside me. however the news will explode like a hand grenade un every area of our lives.
I have a fantastic relationship with my son from prev relationship, he's away boarding only possible with great support from my mother in law. i think he'll never forgive me. i don't want to destroy my husband's life and upset his family either. also the financial consequences will be very tough as my husband isn't legally obliged to continue paying school fees.
this problem has been weighing upon me for 7 weeks it's all i think about, i'm hiding away indoors so noone sees me. i'm now 16 weeks and feel that i should have aborted immediately but now that choice feels terrible. i know it's not too late but i'm not sure how i'd cope. especially as i feel very scared that this will destroy my very loving relationship with my lover who says he fully supports my difficult choice and so this will be a life long regret
if anyone has any similar experience or helpful advice i'd appreciate hearing it so much

OP posts:
Carmenere · 06/03/2007 00:28

I have to go to bed now but whatever you do keep on posting here for support and hopefully in 24 weeks we will be getting a joyful birth announcement.
Good luck and remember that babies have a wonderful ability to salve miserable situations xx

Original poster
what2doo · 06/03/2007 00:30

sleep well carmenere and thankyou

OP posts:
nightowl · 06/03/2007 00:31

would it help if i told you that the person i most feared hurting has actually gone on to be very happy and we are still friends from a distance?

Molesworth · 06/03/2007 00:34

what2doo - of course your ds will forgive you, you are his mum! I would be completely honest with him about it though. If his grandmother severs all ties then perhaps you are all better off without her. If she loves your son then she will stay involved.

VERY best of luck. I had a similarish situation some years ago and wish I had dealt with it differently.

Original poster
what2doo · 06/03/2007 00:43

thanks molesworth and nightowl, these are things i've told myself but it's such relief to hear from someone else
i know this baby will be very loved
i just hope ds and husband and his family will see i haven't set out to cause them pain but that this is only very bad timing

OP posts:
Original poster
what2doo · 06/03/2007 00:45

i guess i should also go to bed and let you good people rest too.
i don't know if you can imagine how calming it has been to receive your comments. i'm feeling an incredible sense of relief

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 06/03/2007 01:50

am amazed you have kept the pregnancy secret for so long!!

i don't think you should abort your baby for a loveless marriage. you are in a marriage which let's face it baby or no baby sooner or later you are going to have out of. you are only in it for your son and eventually that would no longer be enough to keep you sane in a life you hate.

instead you could be with someone you love and who loves you back with a little baby. i know which life i would choose ...

nightowl · 06/03/2007 03:04

goodnight what2doo, i hope everything works out well. let us know how you are.

midnightexpress · 06/03/2007 08:15

what2doo, would it really make such a difference to your ds, mil and h if you get pg 'within a year' after a 'tidy divorce' (is there such a thing??), I wonder? If you're going to leave anyway, and it sounds as if that is pretty much decided in your head/heart, and you really want this baby, then I say do it. Of course we'd all prefer to be able to tie things up tidily and put them away in boxes, but ime it so rarely works out that way - life's a bit messy. What I mean is, would aborting the baby really fix the problem, or just make you feel suitably 'punished' for, as you see it, breaking up the marriage? As the others say, it takes two.
It must be a scary time, and it's really hard to move into much more unknown territory, but I really hope everything works out for you. Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster
what2doo · 06/03/2007 10:10

wow, thanks to everyone for comments. I had the best sleep I've had in weeks!
I'm still terrified but I'm going to arrange antenatal checks today. It's time to get started.

OP posts:
itsazoohere · 06/03/2007 11:07

So now we can congratulate you! That's one of the bits I love about mumsnet-no matter how disapproving people may be in real life, there's always someone to share in the good (and bad) bits of having a baby.
Yes, it was tough having my dd1 so young, but tbh think it's harder now she's 11 and has hormones!
Your Jerry Springer comment clicked with me, I've often thought that my life reads like a bad neighbours script. Just try to remember all the fabulous times you've had with your ds whilst he's been growing up. Once he's had time to adjust, he'll be able to share more like that watching your new little one grow.

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 11:12

Having the baby is one thing but as we all know your relationship with your lover will almost definately change and probably not for the better!

Take the rose coloured glasses off of your relationship cos it wont be the same with a little one to disturb you.

itsazoohere · 06/03/2007 11:18

Sure, a baby always changes things, but if it was always for the worse none of us would carry on doing it!

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 11:21

itsazoo. Most of us carry on doing it because we have to. She will lose most family ties by the sounds of it and very likely the lover. Not a clever situation to wantingly put yourself in.

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 11:22

What I mean is that with the worse, you can at least get respite from an caring loving family around you (in most cases) this looks like it will sever any back up and destroy longstanding relationships. Hmmm, not convinced, it will all end up very nasty for her.

Carmenere · 06/03/2007 11:28

Tenalady the op is not a first time mum, she knows the implications of having a baby and the effect it can have on a relationship, in fact she refers to this in the op. She is not self pitying, she knows this is a horrendous situation and will affect her ds. But it doesn't have to be a nasty mess or at least if it is now it doesn't have to be forever.

itsazoohere · 06/03/2007 11:33

Sorry, didn't mean carry on raising the children we have, meant chose to carry on getting pregnant. And yes, it's a disasterous time for what2doo to get pregnant. It certainly wouldn't be very clever to chose to be in the position she's in. But I doubt that she planned any of this. I also doubt that anyone can predict how likely ANY relationship is to work-let alone those of people we know very little about.
What2doo, do you have family or friends around?

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 11:34

What will be the outcome, I wonder Can anyone write a happy ending for her to make her feel better for her situation?

Carmenere · 06/03/2007 11:40

I have been is a similarly disatrous position and whilst it was hell at the time and people did get hurt, I did get through it. I feel that it is only right to try to offer the op a glimmer of hope that she will survive this bloody awful time in her life. I wish someone had done the same for me.
What do you think she should do then? Abort a much wanted child? Stay in a loveless marraige until her sons school fees have been paid? Give up the chance of a happy future with a partner she loves?
Life is complicated and condemnation rarely is constructive.

itsazoohere · 06/03/2007 11:48

Wow Tenalady! Are you my mother? You take just the same tone and give the same level of support!

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 11:48

Carmenere, I just get a little fed up with people making excuses for their actions.

'life is like that' it is what you make it.

She is unhappy in her marriage, she should of finished it in the best way she could but she will have no chance of that with another mans baby in her belly!

Finish the marriage, hook up with lover and then have baby.

Contraception is helpful btw

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 11:50

Itsazoo, how do you give support to this situation.

Tell her that its all ok and it will work out well?

Its going to be painful for her dh, son and all the family.

She is the one with the prize at the end of it.

Carmenere · 06/03/2007 11:53

Have you never made a mistake Tenalady? You are showing a remarkable lack of compassion for a woman who is obviously very distressed, one who is not making excuses for her behaviour and who is not self pitying. She is looking for support though........

Carmenere · 06/03/2007 11:55

And he is not a dh, she tried to start divorce proceedings 6 months ago after 2 years of marital breakdown.

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 11:56

She is married.