how to tell my husband and son i'm pregnant by my lover

[what2doo]

even I'm totally shocked how my life has become a jerry springer show over night.
basically my husband works away for long periods but we have been drifting apart for more than 2 years. haven't had sex or even kissed for almost a year. we have started talking seriously about divorce 6 months ago but he doesn't want to upset my teenage son or his own family. Neither do I but suddenly I've found myself pregnant by my lover of 18 months. I so want to have this baby and I'm feeling so protective of this life inside me. however the news will explode like a hand grenade un every area of our lives.
I have a fantastic relationship with my son from prev relationship, he's away boarding only possible with great support from my mother in law. i think he'll never forgive me. i don't want to destroy my husband's life and upset his family either. also the financial consequences will be very tough as my husband isn't legally obliged to continue paying school fees.
this problem has been weighing upon me for 7 weeks it's all i think about, i'm hiding away indoors so noone sees me. i'm now 16 weeks and feel that i should have aborted immediately but now that choice feels terrible. i know it's not too late but i'm not sure how i'd cope. especially as i feel very scared that this will destroy my very loving relationship with my lover who says he fully supports my difficult choice and so this will be a life long regret
if anyone has any similar experience or helpful advice i'd appreciate hearing it so much

She didn't have an affair.. she & her husband were planning a divorce until he stopped it as he didn't want to upset his family!

I think if you are genuinely in love with the father of your child you can make it work, no matter what anyone says or does.

The first thing you have to do though, is come clean to your h & your son.

No, she has been having an affair for 18 months and they started planning a divorce 6 months ago.

Sorry, I got mixed up. But it's obvious she & her h have been drifting apart. haven't had sex in almost a year That's not normal!

Wow...what a very sensitive and difficult situation. I'm impressed by all the sage advice out there.

My advice, for what it's worth...take some time to find out what's really in your heart. And be true to that. Your love for your lover; your ds; your baby; and the love that used to be for your h. You may no longer love one another, but that doesn't mean respect and friendship disappear either.

And then when you're good and ready, be truthful, open and speak to what you know to be true and right in your heart (and no-one else's). Share with them what you're feeling about the situation: your fears, your doubts and your hopes.

Take the time to plan what you will say. And think about doing it face to face with everyone, even if that means waiting 3 weeks until your ds comes home from school.

It will take courage, but you have that in spades. You did it when you were 18 and you acknowledge it was the making of you. You can find the same courage now.

To be fair though, she states that her and her husband haven't had sex for almost a year and yet she has been having an affair for 18 months.....

wow thanks once more for every comment.
it's funny how comforting it is to know that other people are aware of what i'm going through this is a crazy time for me usually the sensible one!
Lover knows i want this baby i think we can be strong enough to cope and he's scared of consequences for ds and hopes i won't regret this he?s as ever supportive and excited to be a father but worried about circumstances.
We?ve been great friends for 3 years. he was in a relationship the first year but she cheated and they split leaving him broken hearted for a while. i watched him drink and party it out of his system patched him up a few times and to our surprise we grew attached to each other. we tried to ignore attraction and our friendship got us both through worst of times. turning point came when I met a guy and decided i deserved a lover as i was sick of going to bed alone with cocoa and book like an old widow! leaving the house on my way to my big date i found lover's car blocking the exit he declared undying lust and suffice to say i never left!
my h has been working away for ever lengthening gaps for 3 years. we moved to a beautiful remote location to start a new business together but he found excuses to stay with his job. for the first year returning home every 5 weeks by last year gaps of upto 18 weeks. during these absences we have infrequent contact by text or email mostly. i often say he thinks i'm just a cardboard cut out wife and he doesn't understand i'm a real person who continues to exist after he leaves!
i don't believe he cheats as he has impotence issues. this has also been difficult to cope with as it became worse with long absences he tried to cover it drinking and by using viagra! this was unacceptable to me as it only made him an even more selfish lover! so the last 3 years of marriage have been about resentments and unresolved issues. I've gotten over the abandonment and built up ?our? business alone but I do feel sad that we lost our relationship h is a good person just very self centred and thoughtless. when he came home he was on 'holiday' drinking late sleeping late but I'm an early riser and have a business to run so he's often angry i don't devote more time to him. neither of us enjoy arguing so we just kind of 'got through' and avoided each other while he was home
so we did have sex less than a year ago but he knows he forced this and we haven't had 'happy' regular sex for at least 3 years. divorce was first bought up by h 10 months ago as a warning of where i was heading if there was no chance of sex when he came home!
in January I pushed divorce issue he suggested seperate rooms. since then we've argued via text and email and he's admitted he's not in love either but doesn't want to break up our life/home/family. he's decided solution's to take a 6 month break from work stay home and work it out. i didn't mention affair as i don't want over blamed for all our marriage problems.
my ds adores h but can see we're not the couple we were. he knows and likes lover but sensing our closeness has warned he wouldn't accept him as my partner. maybe as he's 5 years younger or the couple of months following his break up when his woman chasing antics were source of conversation in the house!
the biggest heartache in this disaster is the consequences for ds. he'll lose security/home/family mil is doting step-g'ma and does all practical pick ups and dentist appts etc in term time. it will be very painful for all and the first time i've betrayed ds trust.
i appreciated honesty of tenalady as i wake up through the night and every morning with that voice telling me i'm doing the wrong thing. i know it but i've actually wanted a baby for so long and i'm really scared this might be only chance. i'm getting divorced there's bigger chance relationship with lover won't survive abortion. it's a mess.
the only good news is that i have appt with obs tomorrow so will take it from there
heartfelt thanks to you all out there sorry for the self indulgent long reply!

goodness, what a situation what2doo. will read it properly later when ive done my shopping. glad you came back, hope you're feeling more positive.

what2doo your husband sounds really deeply unhappy - he is unable to have sex with you because he has performance problems. His ego is probably in ruins. He is taking 6 months off work so that he can spend time with you to save your marriage. Please tell him the truth so that he doesn't lose his career as well as his family life.

You say you don't want to be blamed for all your marriage problems, but the problem does seem to be with you. It sounds to me as though you decided that you weren't going to work through his sexual issues and you went to find a lover (and then ended up with this other guy).

It's great that you are happy but you really need to take responsibility and stop trying to blame your husband.