Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

how to tell my husband and son i'm pregnant by my lover

83 replies

what2doo · 05/03/2007 22:56

even I'm totally shocked how my life has become a jerry springer show over night.
basically my husband works away for long periods but we have been drifting apart for more than 2 years. haven't had sex or even kissed for almost a year. we have started talking seriously about divorce 6 months ago but he doesn't want to upset my teenage son or his own family. Neither do I but suddenly I've found myself pregnant by my lover of 18 months. I so want to have this baby and I'm feeling so protective of this life inside me. however the news will explode like a hand grenade un every area of our lives.
I have a fantastic relationship with my son from prev relationship, he's away boarding only possible with great support from my mother in law. i think he'll never forgive me. i don't want to destroy my husband's life and upset his family either. also the financial consequences will be very tough as my husband isn't legally obliged to continue paying school fees.
this problem has been weighing upon me for 7 weeks it's all i think about, i'm hiding away indoors so noone sees me. i'm now 16 weeks and feel that i should have aborted immediately but now that choice feels terrible. i know it's not too late but i'm not sure how i'd cope. especially as i feel very scared that this will destroy my very loving relationship with my lover who says he fully supports my difficult choice and so this will be a life long regret
if anyone has any similar experience or helpful advice i'd appreciate hearing it so much

OP posts:

DetentionGrrrl · 06/03/2007 11:57

i think Tenalady is lovely. i wish she was my mum.

Carmenere · 06/03/2007 11:57

Ohhh so pious. Yes life is black and white and you are right because you have the moral high-ground and have never f*cked up in your life. Lovely.

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 12:00

Ah well, every cloud has a silver lining. Good luck with the fall out I am sure you will cope admirably.

itsazoohere · 06/03/2007 12:00

MOST of the posts here are showing support. And whilst obviously people will be hurt, your point that she will have a prize at the end of this is the thing that I would ask what2doo to remember as often as possible. And it's probably one that her lover, son and HER family will adore too. People find it easy to resent a pregnancy (but her lover has shown full support)-but very hard not to revel in a baby. Even 15 yr old boys!

FluffyMummy123 · 06/03/2007 12:01

Message withdrawn

thechildsperspective · 06/03/2007 12:01

I agree with what a few other people have already said here, that the fact that you've hesitated about aborting until now pretty much says it all - clearly you want this baby regardless of the fallout. Even with all the mess going on you know that you would not be able to live with yourself if you aborted. With the rest of the unhappiness going on in your life I think you should look at this situation not as a way to punish yourself but as a way to finally do something for yourself and try to make a little happiness for yourself, even if it is in a way selfish, by starting over with this new baby. Things are never as bad as they seem at the time and altho for a while things will probably get worse before they get better, it will get better. In response to how your ds will react, I can tell you from my own experiece with a parent who was unfaithful that he will quite likely be furious with you for quite some time. I assume if your DS has a good solid relationship with your dh that he will react angrily b/c children naturally feel protective over a parent who's been wronged. The truth is that your son will very likely not accept his sibling until he is a bit older but at worse he will come to tolerate this child and at best he will have a great relationship with it. Your relationship will get easier with your ds so long as you are sensitive and most importantly honest. I know one of the harderst things my siblings and I had to deal with was that my parent was not honest with us even tho we knew what was going on. We repeatedly asked what was going on and my parent repeatedly lied. We knew our parents marriage had been over for a very long time and they were both unhappy. We knew they needed to seperate and go their seperate ways and we could understand and deal with that. What we could not deal with was the lies, especially when the divorce finalised and this parent got together with their "affair" and will soon be married again with a new family. One of my siblings, the youngest and the teenager, does not speak to this parent at all now and I think it will be quite some time before they do. However, myself and another sibling have decided that however angry we are, people make mistakes and altho it makes us furious and sick, it's not worth sacraficing our relationship with this one parent. We tolerate this new person in their lives now even tho we don't like the situation one bit but we fully understand this person was not the reason for the breakup of our parents, it was simply a symptom of a marriage gone bad even tho that would never excuse the behaviour. My point is that our relationship is different with this parent then it was before but we love our parent regardless and we recognise that in the long run life is too short to severe all ties with a parent who did a fantastic job as a parent and who we know loves us and would do anything for us but who happened to make a big mistake in their personal life. I know in time my youngest sibling will mend the ties with this parent. In regards to the type of school your ds goes to, we also were in these type of schools so I understand the problem. Truthfully, that your son is away boarding at school is actually a blessing for him b/c he can keep the baby quiet if he wants for quite some time and he has somewhere else to be and to go whilst he adjusts to your new life. It would make it much harder if he was at home with you. If your dh will punish your first child for your actions by not paying school fees then the honest truth is that your ds is better without him in his life however painful that will be. If he has to change school b/c you can't keep him in his present school, it will be awful at first for him but he will deal with it, there are worse things in this life to deal with and I'm sure he will manage. Also, if that happens a new start in a new school will probably do your ds good in the long run. I just wanted to tell you this from the perspective of the child in a situaiton from this an I'm sorry if this is a bit long winded!

FluffyMummy123 · 06/03/2007 12:02

Message withdrawn

DetentionGrrrl · 06/03/2007 12:03

there is a paragraph...one enormous one.

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 12:04

Of course we all make mistakes, that is why we give the advice and suggestions that we do.

The fact that others dont see eye to eye with your view on it is neither here nor there.

Morally I think what is happening here is wrong. It is what it is and now she will live with the fall out of it.

You cant paint a pretty picture on the events about to unfold.

thechildsperspective · 06/03/2007 12:06

Ok, sorry for the long paragraph! Didn't know we were being graded for punctuation, etc on our answers - you can take a few marks off if you like

FluffyMummy123 · 06/03/2007 12:06

Message withdrawn

Molesworth · 06/03/2007 12:07

I'm sure the op won't be worrying about the arrangement of your text tcp

aquasea · 06/03/2007 12:08

Nobody is painting a pretty picture, it's not a pretty situation but I don't see how coming on here and being so harsh and judgemental is helpful in any way at all.

thechildsperspective · 06/03/2007 12:08

Lol... I hope not! Was just getting my thoughts down and forgot there's something called paragraphs

itsazoohere · 06/03/2007 12:09

Ahhh, that moral high ground. It must be pretty cold and lonely up there.

What2doo, before this totally degenerates into a slanging session, don't be put off-mn is usually a wonderfully friendly place. It kept me going through my (very) recent pregnancy. Good luck, let us know how you are.

Carmenere · 06/03/2007 12:10

Great post TCP even if it was a bit long-winded

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 12:12

No slagging match here, just my thoughts.

Earlybird · 06/03/2007 12:13

I may have missed this in all the posts - is your ds, who is at school, the biological child of you and dh?

morningpaper · 06/03/2007 12:15

Is your lover also married?

morningpaper · 06/03/2007 12:16

How come your son has said that he won't accept your lover as your partner? That sounds like an odd thing to say.

LazyLine · 06/03/2007 12:30

I think that its about time your family was simply honest with each other. Accept the situation and start dealing with it. You and your husband need to face the truth about your marriage and your affair. You need to speak to your son honestly.

lou031205 · 06/03/2007 12:49

Hi What2doo

I really feel for your situation, and can see that you are trying to deal with it the best you can.

Just to balance things, I wanted to say that I think it is terrific that you are not seeing the new baby as 'disposable' and see the very real consequences of aborting.

I don't say this in anyway to be moralistic, but do think that some people can forget that whatever you do, time can not be turned back.

I personally think that you will regret aborting this baby's life, and to do so would not leave anyone better off.

Regret not sorting your marriage out; regret not telling your family sooner; regret the upheaval of a broken marriage on your son; but don't regret terminating the life of your baby, which it sounds like you deep down want to keep.

There are too many other things to regret - don't add this to the list.

Louise xx

twinklingstar · 06/03/2007 13:17

Tenalady, this seems to have hit a raw nerve for you. What2doo isn't making excuses and is looking for support. In answer to your post of 11.50 on how to support her, I'd say realistically, being honest, but not judgemental.

It is not an ideal world, and I share your thought that every cloud has a silver lining - I don't think anyone has given the impression this situation is going to be easy for her. She didn't deliberately set out to hurt her family and put herself in this dilemma.

There are always things in life we wish we had done differently, I'll put my hand up to that one...........

TenaLady · 06/03/2007 13:30

Sorry Twinkly, cant agree, she had an affair and got pregnant. Whilst we cant all stop ourselves falling in love we can prevent pregnancies. I think the pregnancy will be the biggest bone of contention in the family.

Parping now, sorry about the smell

twinklingstar · 06/03/2007 14:03

S'okay Tenalady - the tenapad muffled it!

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread