Can I hear your stories of having your mum as your birthing partner?

[Birdlet]

I'm 35+6 and over the last few weeks I've been thinking more and more about asking DM to be one of my birthing partners alongside DH.

I've always insisted that I wouldn't want anyone else but DH with me while in labour but me and DH have become much closer over the last year and especially over the last couple of months. I think I want her there but the fact I've always been so against it is making me wonder if it's the right thing to do!

Please share your stories of having your mum as birthing partner - good and bad!

I'm due tomorrow and have asked my mum if she can be birthing partner as well as my DP as he is, by his own admission, extremely squeamish. My mum is very laid back and has obviously done this before so I know she will keep me calm and know how to handle me. Both my DP and I still want him to be there of course but he feels the pressure has been lifted off him having to stay in the room even if he needs to step out. This is fine with both of us and it's nice that my mum, who I don't live near, can be part of it.

She was there for my first birth, almost fainted, the midwives were to busy fussing round her to notice the baby coming out for a while, then moaned about it for a while as I was being stitched up after being cut. Never again! But that's my mother, I've heard some great supportive ones other people have had

Hahaha no worries of that with mine Caz she used to be a midwife herself

Not sure if I'm a bit worried she'll try to join in

Christ, no way. She'd be telling me I don't need pain relief, just take some milk of magnesia, then bugger off for a fag and miss the crucial moment

My DM and my DH were there, it was great to have both for support particularly when I was pushing. It was so special though to have her there in the room when DD was placed in my arms, she cut the cord as it made DH a bit squeamish, and had a quick cuddle with DD before she got my Dad to pick her up so we could have some time just the three of us. The only time she annoyed me was when I was ready to go to the hospital as contractions were two mins apart and she went and had a shower thinking I couldn't possibly be ready to go then as the contractions had only just started, she then washed and dried her hair and put make up on DH was faffing too, so they were both as bad as each other at that point. Other than that I wouldn't hesitate to have her there again if we were planning on a second.

Hmmm... not really my story to tell but

My best friend had her mum as her birth partner. They are very close and do a lot for each other, meet up at least twice a week. It seemed totally logical and normal to my friend. Her mum agreed without hesitation, BUT - her mum has since admitted to me that she wishes she had never asked. She didn't want to be there, she felt awkward for the other grandmother and she really really struggled with seeing her daughter in so much pain and not be able to make it better.

Please think about it from your mum's point of view, as well as your own.

Good luck.

Not as a mum, but as she has midwifery knowledge I would definitely want her there with me.

My ex left when I was pregnant and my mum was my birthing partner (my best friend was meant to be too but my labour was so fast she didn't get there in time)

My labour went wrong so I needed crash team, episiotomy and keloid forceps and had no pain relief at all. I was screaming then saying to my mum that I was okay, as I was worried about upsetting her. I also needed to grip someone to push, and asked the midwife to do it as I was scared thr force I needed to push against would hurt her.

That said, I'm glad she was there - I trusted her to look after me and my baby, and she was so very proud of me that it changed our relationship for the better.

My situation is different in thst I had no partner, but she was a tower of support and experience.

My mum tried to steamroller her way in when l was having Dd1. I only just managed to persuade the nursing staff to keep her out as l was very young and not very assertive. I would have been mortified, absolutely mortified, embarrassment doesn't even cover it. We weren't close anyway because of her bossy dominating personality but even if we were l can't think of anything worse personally. I think it's a very intimate private event between the parents and would no more want my mother there than at the conception. Just imo and ime obviously.

My DM came to my dd's birth. I went into labour (very) early and there was a very small chance of dd surviving. I asked her not to come but she pretty much begged and I relented - I think she had it in her head that I'd 'need' her there.

As it was, DH would have been a great birth partner by himself, but DM was good at helping with practical things (giving me water and calling the midwife from outside the door when we needed her etc.) It was, though, a bit uncomfortable for me - we get on fine but we aren't close and it felt odd to have her there at such an intense, intimate time. She can be very emotional and demonstrative and I was anxious all through the labour about how she was going to react if dd was stillborn or died quickly after birth.

If I could do it again I would be firm and ask her not to come. I feel like that should have been a special time between me and DH, but my memory of it is coloured by the slight awkwardness of having DM there.

My mum was at the birth of DC1 and my MIL was at the birth of DC2.

Neither were birthing partners, DH did that. Our hospital said they allowed up to 2 people in the delivery room with me, so I felt there was a "spare place", as it were. So I asked if they wanted to be there and they said yes.

It was a nice "family reaffirming" thing to do. They didn't play very much of a role. But they hand held and supported.

Most importantly though was that I allowed them into the very unique situation where they saw the birth of their grandchild. Most people don't get to do that and I was able to do that for my and my DHs Mum.

Made no real difference to me in the delivery room. Meant the world to them. So for that reason, I'm glad we did it.

I had my mum and my husband with me. Not actually planned that way. Daughter decided to arrive prematurely. Was meant to have a section as she was extended breech with no fluid, so mum cancelled a day trip when she heard I was in labour and came to the hospital. She arrived and I was wheeled back out of theatre, too far through and having to deliver. It was amazing for me to have both her and my husband with me. She was very calming and really helped me when I felt it was hopeless. She also helped with taking me to get cleaned up, and was great to have the extra company whilst Dh told the family and my daughter was taken to nicu. I would have hated to have been alone at the point.

For her too it was the most amazing experience being with us and seeing her beautiful grand daughter being born.

With dd1 my mum turned up at the hospital even though I'd said I just wanted me and dp there. I was thrashing about like a loon until the epidural kicked in and I didn't want her to see me in that state so I refused to let her come in until I'd settled down. Even though I didn't want her there initially, it wasn't too bad and at least it was another person for me or dp to talk to when either of us dosed off briefly (long labour). But I've never felt especially close to my mum and even in labour I didn't feel I could properly 'open up' (hence not wanting her in the room whilst I was doing my best exorcist impression). It was made more bearable by the copious amounts of gas and air sucked up

I think my mum was just excited to meet her first grand child, but regardless of that I would never encroach on either of my dd's labours (if they have children in the distant future) like that unless they had specifically said they wanted me there.

Op it's totally up to you, everyone's relationships with their mothers are different. But make sure that what ever you decide, you are doing it for your benefit, not for anyone else. If truth be told when my mum came to the hospital I didn't have the heart to send her home for fear of hurting her feelings and in a way I wish I did now because it was my labour and no one else's. She looked after dd1 whilst I was in labour with dd2 and I felt it was a much better experience for me when it was just dp there.

My mum was there with my first (along with DH)-she was brilliant, just a total star. She wasn't there with my others as she was looking after the older ones.

My DM was my birthing partner alongside DH and she was awesome. She helped me stick to my birth plan and explained what I wanted to the MWs when I couldn't. She held it together when DH started wobbling and was brave enough to check out the business end when DS was arriving so she was literally the first to see him. If I had another I would definitely ask her again.

Bird mine missed the important bit. She'd popped out for a ciggie

She was very supportive when she was actually there.

My mum was there for the last few hours of my labour with my first. It wasn't planned that she would come but I got very upset and wanted her (I was only 19). She came when she finished work, I'm glad she did. I wanted her the second time too but she was looking after our daughter. She won't be there this time either for the same reasons

My mum was with me for dc2 birth and was fantastic support.

It was, though, a bit uncomfortable for me - we get on fine but we aren't close and it felt odd to have her there at such an intense, intimate time.

Yes, this is exactly how I felt having my mum with me during labour. Sorry to hear you went into labour early coming, hope everyone is well with your dd now

my mum was there for first one, she was awful and got comedy mileage out of it for some time. I hadn't wanted her there, she was awful.

I had my dh and dm as my birthing partners. I get on well with my mum (more so as I've got older!). To be honest, I was so glad to have them both there. Idea was that if dh needed 5 mins fresh air for example, I'd have someone with me. As it happened, I had a bad labour (which I won't go into details as I wouldn't want to worry you) and I'm grateful to have had them both there (and poor dh never even left to l the room to have 5 minutes out!).
Recently my dm said that being there and being asked to see her 1st grandchild being born was such an honour.
I know it's not for everyone, but maybe ask yourself if you didn't invite her, would it be something you'd wished you'd done?

My mum was with me all three times and useless, bordering on adding to trauma in the first instance.

I've been with my DD for both her births and she tells me she was happy and supported.

TL:DR
It depends on your mum.

Thank you all for sharing! Mind made up I think. She's pretty laid back and not prone to hysterics so will be great if I start losing my shit plus an extra person to support me, if DH needs a bit of a break or if I need help communicating with the midwives. Thanks all

I had both my DP and DM when giving birth, I'm in my 20's so even though I've moved out of my mums and not really close with her I still wanted her there for support. I had a quite a traumatic birth so the help and support through that and afterwards when my DP didn't really know what to do with himself was great and the fact she was allowed on the delivery suite and post natal ward 9-9 was great but she did give us space to be a family and came mainly during in visiting times apart from the day I gave birth and the day I left hospital, I spent five days in hospital in total

I had my mum (retired nurse) and my DH there every time. It was brilliant for me, DH and dm chatting helped to distract me and saved me from having to talk to them if I didn't feel like it. My DH was my 'main' birth partner but mum helped too and definitely helped me to feel more in control and relaxed. Both at the head end until the head was out and I couldn't care less who saw me!
With ds1 she stayed throughout, ds2 she had to go home overnight (failed induction) but got back an hour before he arrived in the morning and I had really missed her. She left quickly after they were born so we could get to know them.
Ds3 she stayed as I had complications and I was so happy that ds3 had his first cuddles with his grandma rather than being left in a cot or my DH having to leave me alone to look after ds3.
Can you be honest with your mum? I knew if my mum was annoying me I could have told her to leave me to it and she would have been fine. If you have to be polite then it probably won't work.