Can I hear your stories of having your mum as your birthing partner?

[Birdlet]

I'm 35+6 and over the last few weeks I've been thinking more and more about asking DM to be one of my birthing partners alongside DH.

I've always insisted that I wouldn't want anyone else but DH with me while in labour but me and DH have become much closer over the last year and especially over the last couple of months. I think I want her there but the fact I've always been so against it is making me wonder if it's the right thing to do!

Please share your stories of having your mum as birthing partner - good and bad!

Similar situation. Premature labour at 27 weeks with twins. Parents lived abroad, H phoned to tell them I was in labour, my dad got the call got the passports, picked up my mum from the local supermarket and went straight to the airport. She didn't have chance to pack! Hospital stopped labour for about 24 hours by which time they'd got to the hospital but my mum and my H were there by my side for the whole of my 19 hour labour (dad was in the waiting room outside). She just understood what I was going through and probably supported my DH as much as she supported me.

Babies were whisked off to NICU immediately and she fainted almost as she left the room to go and see my dad (I have no recollection of the last 2 or 3 hours of my labour). Did she want to be there? Yes. Does she regret it now? No I think she has a closer relationship with them because she sees how precious they are.

My mum was an amazing birth partner. She took on the role of providing encouragement, taking the pressure off DH who was brilliant but nervous, allowing him to focus on the birth.

I valued having her there because she was an extra hand to grip, an extra voice to advocate for me if necessary and she was someone who had been through it four times and could speak from experience.

Having her there was amazing, no regrets whatsoever. She was able to have cuddles straight after DH and I did, took pictures of us both with her, and I think she loved seeing her granddaughter enter the world :)

Ah my mum and DH were there first time round and thank god she was! She stuck up for me and told me to get on with pushing or they would have given me a c section. (I had an elective second time round!)
It was vvvvv reassuring and I appreciate it now still as DH and I had no real idea what was going on!

Am considering this too for my second... My DH wasn't much use in my first labour lol. It was very calming to have his presence beside me in early labour, but he didn't help in any way unless I gave him direct instructions, had to leave for 5 hours to do something on the other side of town (genuinely was urgent and for all our benefits!) so was actually alone when the shit hit the fan and the oxitocin kicked in and had my epidural... And almost three years on still claims to be traumatised about what he saw happening down there... My mum is very calm and has had five children. However she irrationally gets on my nerves often just because I'm an irritable person and she can be over caring and over attentive... Saw her for 10 minutes while in slow labour and wanted her to leave me alone... Still not made my mind up... She gives a killer back rub so that might be the deciding factor!

I has my dm there first time round, 7 years ago and I wouldn't of coped without her. She was so calm but I guess she knew what to expect having had children herself.
I've made no plans for this one yet as I'm only 8 weeks but I think I'd like her there again.

My ma was my support person for my third birth. DH didn't cope well at the second birth and fainted and we both agreed we were not a good team.

It was great. She was really present and supportive unlike DH. The only point she annoyed me was when I shouted at the midwife I needed to change position and get this baby out NOW and she hissed at me to be polite LOL.

I've had my mum with me all five times. My 5th baby in July, my mum was actually there instead of my partner. It was quite an up and down labour that they had tried to stop as i was only 30 weeks. The day I had her, it was 10pm when I went to hospital and the four boys were all in bed as was dp...I thought it was another day of ones that weren't doing anything as it was day 4 of them. But when I arrived at hospital I was 5cm, and DD was born at 11.52pm by emcs due to placental abruption so all went really fast. Mum couldn't get hold of Dp as he was fast asleep thinking nothing was wrong.

In short I am glad my mum was with me all of the times, she understood and was great during all. Im also thankful for her being there with my DD. I would have her there again if I ever had anymore.

It definitely depends on your Mum, as I can't imagine anything worse than having my mother there when I gave birth!

My cousin had my Aunt there when she gave birth for the first time - she'd gone along to a routine antenatal scan at 27 weeks and was whisked into theatre within minutes, no time for her DH to get there. She said her DM was so brilliant at keeping her calm that she asked her to be there when she had her second child too (straightforward delivery at 42 weeks).

I had my MIL there with my DH! Sort of unintentional as she was the first one round when I went into labour (my mum lives 3 hours away and DH was at work 2 hours away!) then she just sort of stayed and ended up coming to the hospital and seeing everything . She is a nurse though and we get on well. She was useful as DH was panicking a bit (didn't let me see though!) so he was good support for her and it meant I wasn't alone when he had to 'nip out' (get some air!). She also cut the cord as he was too squeamish.

Not my Mum, but my sister (a Mum) was my birth partner for my second child. Just her and the midwife.

Me and my younger sister have also been BPs for our youngest sister for 2 of her births (there are 4 sisters!).

It has been a positive and magical honour for all people involved.

Definitely depends on your mum, your relationship with her and DP's relationship with her imo.

There is no way in a gazillion years I'd have my mum there. She'd find some way of making it all about her, most likely in a negative way. I didn't even tell her I was in labour through genuine fear that she'd turn up at the hospital.

That's just me and my mum though. I see you've decided to ask yours along OP - hope you have a brilliant birth with two amazing birth partners

I've been at the birth of all 6 of my grandchildren. My daughter has 3 of them and my 2 daughters in law have the other 3. I never asked to be their birth partner, it was something they all wanted. When my last grandchild was born my daughter in laws mum had managed to get here for the birth, and because of language difficulties I was still present even though I would have been happy to leave her to her mum - it was an absolute honour to see another woman help her daughter bring her baby into the world. It was all quite beautiful.

No way ever, love DM but that would be just so uncomfortable plus disrespectful to DH.

I agree with PP who've said it depends completely on your relationship with your own mum. Only you can decide whether you want her there or not.

I don't have my own tale to tell as such. My older sister had our mum at her side as she went through labour and she has warned me off of having her at mine! Not that I would have anyway because I know what a bad idea that would be without her having already gone through it lol.

She moaned at my sister for moaning out loud in pain with every contraction and told her to "pipe down", mocked her for crying in pain when "she was only 4cm dilated", told her how her knee pain was worse than the labour she was currently feeling and constantly reminded her that she couldn't offer any practical support on giving birth because "she never went through it". Mum had C-sections with all her kids so whilst that's true it didn't help my poor sister much!

As other people have said it absolutely depends on your mum but I don't know what I would have done without mine.
We've had a hugely up and down relationship even down to being nc at one point for 9 months and I had to have a section. The plan was dp would come in with me and my mom would wait outside for us. When we got to the hospital dp freaked out completely and had to leave, he has medical anxiety so I was half expecting this and had even put in my birth plan I was happy to go in alone if he couldn't cope. In actuality I asked my mom to come with me, she was amazing. I didn't find it stressful itself but the wait wound me up and when they pulled dd out I was v teary as I had lost a baby before. My mom was utterly brilliant. Cut the cord, said all the right things, was just amazing and supportive. Right down to remembering how much I wanted to hold dd (didn't get to with first born for a day or two) and asking when I would be able to for me because I was too teary to ask myself. Quietly left the recovery room when dp arrived to allow us some time alone, supported him when me and dd were taken for a check before being moved to a ward. I just cant stress how perfect she made the whole thing. Best thing is its bought us closer and really healed a rift. If ever I have another hands down my mom will be my first choice!

Obviously it depends on the individuals and their relationship with eachother, but in general if it feels right, mums are great birthing partners.

Just think about it - men didn't used to be allowed anywhere near their wives during childbirth, traditionally women have always been supported during childbirth by close female relatives and friends.

It's certainly not uncomfortable or disrespectful to your partner, as one poster suggested! That's a pretty ridiculous thing to say really. Yes, childbirth is a special thing, but it's also a messy chaotic event and if you're giving birth in hospital you're going to have all sorts of strangers around you at one stage or another - anyone from ambulance drivers, to cleaners, healthcare assistants, nurses, midwives, doctors, anaesthetists, etc! It's not a magical glowing Disney moment shared only between you and your partner. Your own mother has presumably been through childbirth herself so is an entirely appropriate person to have present.

Having both my mother and my husband with me during the birth helped greatly as it meant I always had someone by my side even if one of them needed to pop to the loo or grab something to eat. This is especially useful during long labours. I eventually had an epidural and the labour was progressing slowly but consistently, so the doctors were able to tell me that I wouldn't be giving birth for several more hours as they had a time estimate in mind. Having my mum there with me meant my husband could leave the hospital, get something to eat, and return with plenty of time to spare before the baby was delivered. It was also nice to have two people supporting me, fetching me drinks, applying a cool flannel to my forehead, etc!

I would definitely have my mum with me again but unfortunately she'll probably be busy babysitting my first born next time round! I am considering asking a friend to the next one...! I think it helps DH too, not being the only one there with me.

My Mum came with me for the birth of my first daughter. I had wanted her there for support. She spent most of the time banging on to the midwives about how she had severe pre-eclampsia and her / my eldest brother had almost died in labour. I started to get in a panic as I was in a lot of pain (back to back labour) and they hadn't given me any pain relief yet. As my BP had gone up and with that in their ears, they immediately sent me out of the birth centre and into the labour ward. Obviously once I had some gas and air, I felt much calmer and my BP was back down to normal. Generally she found me being in a lot of pain quite hard to deal with and I also found I couldn't quite "let go" in the pushing stages with her there. I felt exposed and uncomfortable. At one point I asked for my bottom to be covered while pushing on all fours because I felt exposed, the midwife responded "I don't care about your bottom", which her and my DH found funny. I on the other hand, did not and kicked them both out of the room -- which was convenient as not long after, we had quite a few people in as I ended up with an episiotomy / ventouse delivery. My DH was only allowed in just as our eldest DD was born in the end. DM came back afterwards and then when they brought me my tea / toast after being stitched up without additional pain relief, she thought it was for her and drank the tea before I realised. I probably would have killed her if she had eaten my toast as I hadn't eaten for almost a whole day by that point. I get really hangry at the best of times
Second time around, they didn't arrive until a week after DD2 was born. I had a very easy 4 hour waterbirth with just me, my DH and a really lovely midwife. No one drank my tea either

I had my mum with my dh, I wasn't sure but she's quite reassuring and assertive and gets on well with my dh. He was glad for the company and comfort, esp when I got rushed from the birth centre to the hospital, he was obvs really worried about it so I'm glad she was there! She didn't really do much but is good company so was nice to have her there throughout.

It totally depends on what your mums like and what your relationships like. My sister had my mum in and she was great totally helped asked all the right questions made noise about the right thing held her hand faffed about doing things for her but my sister is very immature when my mums around she reverts to ill sit back and my mum can do it, that made it work for them. I could never have her in with me I had to be re-stitched a couple of weeks after ds1 was born and sent my mum away because she was irritating me faffing and trying to butt in when I didn't need her too. She came during my long second labour for a couple of hours to let dp go see ds1 i was glad she left before it got into full swing. I'm as close to my mum as my sister is but we have very different relationships with her.

My ex left during my pregnancy so my mum and my auntie (my dad's sister) were my birthing partners, though my auntie wasn't there for the first ten hours or so. My mum and I have always been close but can quite easily tear chunks out of each other at the best of times so I kept joking during my pregnancy that she had to be nice to me during labour I half expected us to argue the whole way through just because she's never been good at dealing with us kids being in serious pain and I would be feeling like hell, but she was absolutely fantastic, even the midwives (all four that I had by the time I was done!) said she was brilliant. She was calm, supportive, reassuring and I can't sing her praises highly enough. She's a tough ol' gal but a real softie on the inside and immediately burst into tears the moment my son was born.

I think if you feel that you could benefit from her support and that she would be a comfort to you during your labour then I say you should ask her; I think it's quite typical to want your mum during hard or worrisome times in your life. I said to my mum later on that it was quite funny that in the process of becoming a mother myself, I needed mine so much. At one point when they were doing the epidural and I was absolutely exhausted and having a cry (just cos I bloody needed to!) she was holding me, kissing my forehead over and over and shushing me like she used to when I was little, so it was quite funny but lovely at the same time...labour pains aside of course

Do whatever you feel is gonna be the best for you OP, and I bet your husband will most likely be grateful for the extra support!

Loulou, that's it in a nutshell. ❤️

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences!! I'm seeing my mum on Saturday so I'll be asking her then.

Loulou your post had me in tears! I'm an emotional wreck at the moment anyway and you just tipped me over the edge your mum sounds lovely!

It was a nightmare. She kept telling me to make more of a noise because I was too quiet then when things got busy downthere she kept getting in the way of the midwives to look at my vagina. She was pissing everyone off. I had my partner there too and he told her in the end to quit annoying everyone or leave. She calmed down after that but I wouldn't have her there again.

Birdlet aww bless ya! I'm sure she'll be absolutely thrilled to have you ask her haha yeahhh she has her moments

good luck!!

babynelly2010 Wed 04-Jan-17 14:35:15
No way ever, love DM but that would be just so uncomfortable plus disrespectful to DH.

Disrespectful to DH? Really?!

Uncomfortable is fine if that's your feeling but a woman supporting another woman during an exclusively female experience is in no way disrespectful to a man.